What a sweet man You are!!
I understand that is a side affect with anti depressents BUT a Woman CAN perform without having the desire and perhaps She would be willing to participate out of Her Love for You. Maybe You could come to an agreement that You have sex a little less than YOU would like, but a little more than She would like. I know that doesn't sound spontaneous but it's out of Love for One Another and that can be very touching. We do lots of things that we don't necessarily enjoy doing out of Love for Our Loved Ones. Sometimes we cook dinner for Our Husbands when We don't really feel like it cuz We Love Him and We know He has the need to eat (get the connection) Even though She may not have the sex drive that You have it can still be Wonderful having those Intimate moments with the One You love. Maybe compromise - a little less than You want, a little more than She wants.
Not sure that's going to happen which is pretty much torture for a guy.
February was the last time!
I agree with Tink.
As a woman who went through about 6 years of ZERO libido (I think women do this when they have kids, it's a survival thing, shut off the baby maker when you're working to capacity), I do understand what it's like to have no sex drive. It used to be that women understood this, and had sex anyway, because that's what you do in a marriage - you try to make your partner happy.
There are things that make sex easier on the woman, that might make her more willing:
1. Don't ever expect her to initiate.
2. Don't make the act last so long that she's sore, in the belief that if you just go on for a really long time she'll "get in to it".
3. If you've just had sex 3 hours ago, don't ask for sex again. Once a day is really as much as a woman who has no drive can do.
We all do things we don't want to do, and we do it willingly. My guess is, she unloads the dishwasher pretty cheerfully. That's probably the most amount of enthusiasm she's going to be able to work up for sex, too, sadly. Go with it, and don't expect more.
She probably puts a great deal of effort in to NOT having sex. If she could just do it, and be done with it for the day, in 20 minutes, my guess is she'd be willing. That's just an act of maturity, and keeping her husband happy.
OMGolly, kingof14ers!! That's too long and I'm CERTAIN She knows that!! Do You talk to One Another about this?
It's commendable that You want to make such a sacrifice for Her as to suppress Your sex drive!! - but I would think She would want to make more effort for You, too. She doesn't have to be "turned on" to have Love Making moments with Her Husband. The act of Intimacy can and should be, rewarding for Her as well - even if She doesn't have the libido for "sex". Let's not call it "sex", let's call it "making love" - Maybe that will prompt more effort from Her?
Have You talked about Couples therapy/counseling? It's not realistic for You to "give up" sex. We all know it's a "physical" need for a Man as well as Emotionally fulfilling for Both parties when We are in a Loving Relationship.
and I agree with RockRose - She understands the issue You are having and Her suggestions are great!!
If it's rushed I'd rather not bother. If the frame of mind is get it over with then I'm over it. I get the maternal shutdown but I've had a vasectomy so no concerns there.
I've even scheduled a make out session which she excitedly agrees to then forgot, then the rescheduling got wishy washy so I'm thinking she's just not interested in making physical affection of any kind a priority!
Well, that's certainly your choice, King. What you last said - is true. She's just not interested in making physical affection any kind of a priority.
If you are, then you may have to compromise. I think if you've never been without a sex drive, it's kind of hard to understand how all-encompassing that is. For me, I didn't want any touch at all - not even my kids sweet hugs. Physical affection, of any kind, was irritating, or at least not pleasurable.
Best wishes - I hope you can get this worked out.
I agree completely with the women here.
I also think it's so sweet of you to be willing to give up sex, but that's just not fair, or realistic, and what is going to happen, is you're going to end up resenting her. Marriage is all about compromise, not surrendering.
You need to talk to her. You're obviously very sensitive and understanding with her about the issue. Antidepressants do cause some serious libido issues, but it's something that needs worked on. It['s not impossible to fix. Suggest that the two of you go to the doc together, maybe she could try a different med. We react very differently to different meds...so while one AD may cause her to lose her sex drive, another may be much better. Just because two meds are in the same class of drugs, they all work a little differently.
Explain to her that you're willing to be patient, and not expect sex super frequently, but that you would appreciate her meeting you in the middle a little bit,. Even once a month would be a drastic improvement for you! Once a week is even more realostic. Communication here is going to be the key.
I have been in your wife's shoes, and trust me, it's hard on us, because while we have NO desire for anything sexual, we DO feel guilty because we know it's important to our partner. Thats tough! Crap, I can't even begin to tell you how many pretend periods I had. That wears on BOTH partbers. That being said, even if she acknowledges that she needs to sacrifice a little, she STILL won't likely ever initiate. She definitely needs to give a little here. There were plenty of times the thought of sex repulsed me, but I "gave in" because it wasn't fair to my hubby.
I knew things were getting bad when he stopped even trying. I asked him about it and he said, "why bother? I already know what the answer is going to be"...and then he would make comments about me not being attracted to him anymore...stuff like that. Broke my heart, because it isn't true. My hubby is hot. I'd be a fool if I didn't try to make him happy in every way.
This needs fixed for sure, somehow, and I agree that some professional intervention would be super helpful. Start with the suggestion of perhaps changing her meds. There are plenty of options out there.
Very best to you...your wife is a lucky gal!
I don't think RockRose was suggesting that Your Wife has a fear of pregnancy, but instead She feels overwhelmed being Wife, Mother, HouseKeeper, etc., etc., - that maybe She's tired and because She has no libido, (because of the medication), She doesn't give sex the attention (the priority) You would like Her to - She's just UNABLE to be "all that" right now.
I think You should approach Her again with the "make out session". You said She excitedly agreed to that but then She "forgot" - it probably wasn't about "forgetting" but, because of Her lack of libido, something "else" took priority. YOU should pursue the "make out session" that She agrees to. RockRose suggested You not look for Her to "initiate", and I agree. She's not likely to even be thinking of sex if She has no libido. There's nothing wrong with You being the initiator. Women often are "turned on" by the pursuit. I understand that, as a Husband, You would think You shouldn't have to "pursue" and ALWAYS "initiate", BUT, so what!!?? if it gets You Both through this difficult time, well then, THAT'S what matters in the end. If You and Your Wife Love One Another, I am SO sure, SO certain that this time will pass.
I thought Your first post was so "giving" and "understanding". I thought Your last post sounded somewhat impatient.
I would suggest You not want or expect Her to feel the SAME way about "sex" right now that You feel. It truely is different for a Man than it is for a Woman. No matter how tired a Man is - He can fit in the "extra" time for sex (and then fall immediately to sleep). A Woman requires more time to "want" sex, more time for Her body/mind to even "prepare" for sex - so therefore, it's easier for a Woman to be "disinterested". A lot of this is biology - Man is PROGRAMMED to "spill His seed and inhabit the earth" - Women are PROGRAMMED to be "nesters". Men should NOT expect Women to "feel, to respond" the same way They do. Much of this is BIOLOGY!! Not something You "chose", not something She "chose". BUT, We are the higher intelligence of ALL animal life, We ought to be able to figure some of this!! If Your Wife is willing to have "make out sessions" then You just may have to be willing to "settle" for that, for awhile, and You just may have to be willing to "pursue" that, for awhile. No problem. Things will get better for Both of You in time - I'm sure of this!!
We've tried several meds for her with the same results.
I like I've given quite a bit of latitude and I think I'm going to take any pressure she may feel when we go away to Vegas in a month for our 10 year and just not bring it up. I think I've already given up trying. I think the only bitterness I have was the pressure to have a vasectomy where up front I always said there's no point in doing that. There's no mystery as to what conceives a child and if that's not happening abstinence is birth contol as well. Money could have been better spent elsewhere.
I just want to make it easier on both of us. The woman gets to decide when and when not to be intimate and if I don't like it, I'm just being selfish of my needs. When our 2 boys get older I'm sure going to set them straight and warn them of how sex in marriage will likely play out for them. I guess now I know why many guys are afraid to commit. They've then been conquered by an umbrella to be faithful and abstain.
P.S. I think settling for one or twice a year is more then patient and while the genders may be built differently I think that frequency is excessive. If waiting for the planets to line up is the key then sexuality in a marriage is too complicated and requires entirely too much effort.
Disclaimer: I get our boys ready for school in the morning and split the dishes and mowing the lawn so whhile most women unfortunately take the brunt of the chores. I think we have it fairly well divided. Just throwing it out there.
Your wife knows that intimacy is important in a relationship. Again, one doesn't have to "desire" the act of sex to be intimate, to share that closeness with Her Husband. She IS "capable" of participating. Maybe She/You need to look into why this isn't a concern for Her, for Your sake as well as Her own. Suggest couple counseling/therapy.
Let us know how the anniversary trip to Las Vegas turns out.
To be honest, you just sound like you've already made up your mind. I'm sure you're frustrated and don't probably feel like putting much effort into it anymore, but I think if you don't, there may be some serious relationship issues to come. I'm sorry, but while I TOTALLY sympathize with what you're wife is going through, I think she's being quite selfish.
I would be interested in hearing what meds your wife tried, and how long she was one each med. I cannot stress enough just how many different antidepressants there are out there, different CLASSES of ADs too. If you can share that with us, I may be able to make some very basic recommendations to take to the doctor and ask about.
Lastly, while I appreciate that you want to "warn" your son, not every marriage has this problem. There are plenty of marriages where the sex life is very healthy and balanced. You can't assume EVERY woman is going to end up like your wife.
I feel for you...
How old are you two?
Have you both ever tried consulting a sex therapist?
"I guess now I know why many guys are afraid to commit. They've then been conquered by an umbrella to be faithful and abstain." I am sure you made this statement out of frustration, but it really isn't fair to state or assume this is the underlying cause for any man that is unwilling to commit. There is NO doubt that YOU have been "conquered by an umbrella to be faithful and abstain." In my opinion you have been confronted with this NOT "conquered."
What's going on outside of the bedroom during the day? I believe foreplay should begin before going into the bedroom. Perhaps more cuddles, more kisses and hugs throughout the day, holding hands on the couch, more you and me time, etc.
Omg you guys haven't made love since February. Sorry to say but that's a long time. I agree with the ladies here you two should go to a sex therapist. if she's scared to get pregnant why doesn't she get on a method of birth control?
wyrpamatz: she's not afraid of pregnancy as I've had a vasectomy.
3 months without sex, nothing, try 29 years!
This is an old post. Please start your own post if you have a question. Thank you
That is Great advice and so correct
From a loving husband of 60 years and without sex for 10 years
My wife doesn't belong to me and is a person so respect is needed
We live in a new world and it's about time we begin making new arrangements. If you and your wife love each other but she has no interest in sexual intimacy then perhaps a conversation about what else is possible in your needs being met outside the marriage. It is not cool to go behind someone's back however we can make arrangements that are supported and safe and everyone can be happy. Suppressing sex drive just causes pain, suffering and resentment. If you feel this is crazy and off base and yet this forced celibacy is still going on (old post) I would ask you why you are still in the marriage, life is short - be happy!!!
Hi there. This is a very old post. The original poster has not resurfaced in a long time. thanks
Thanks for your comments. As a 59 year old male with juvenile hormones Im
learning how the female mind works as she ages. Being a married man with 3 grown children and an empty nest, its truly helpful to know what it is like to live without a sex drive. You make it clear that they avoid physical affection.
And that touch becomes annoying. Thats new for me. Its a challenge.
Only because of my christian life style I can cope with that behavior from my
wife. Some men could become violent when intimate advances are rejected.
Your insight has helped me handle a very difficult aspect of manhood.
Being able to control sexual drive is important for all men.
Wow...if only my issue compared! I'm a female who realized only after marriage that my husband either us a-sexual or a .. . .........! Anyway,I felt almost as if I was raping him on one or two iccassuons! I didn't like pleading someone to be with me,esp my husband! After a CPL yrs of only being together a few times in said year, I stopped initiating I mean why !? Just to get rejected, I don't know how it is for men but I feel like for a woman it's way worse I mean WTH!? Anyways, I'd say 5 yrs ago we completely stopped, and I haven't had sex in 5+ yrs now,still married I really am in a situation where I have no options. But I tried asking for an open relationship but only to hear No,I'd kill you or him or both of you! Very immature husband I know! But as of the last two yrs he's now went a step further and has refused to take care of me financially as well as physically and emotionally. I've never done him wrong,never cheated. Yet I'm the one who's punished! I have to say he really never took care if me financially before I was the one paying bills,buying toiletries,clothing,etc. But I lost my income 2yrs ago and he completely refuses to be there for me in my time of needing help and support! He's such a stubborn little child he won't have any conversation about anything if substancem..only fantasy repeats about what will be one day. Which I know is total ********! I want our so bad but have no way if doing anything,getting anywhere,noone to help me. I don't think I've ever felt hate towards a person or thought I could. But I now understand how someone could 'snap'! Honestly I've never known a man any man who could be so less of a man! Or so unfair, selfish,ignorant,I know it's abuse too but still what can I do. Nothing so I must suffer!