Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

Living with inlaws and getting depressed and ill

I’m really sorry that this is going to be longwinded, but I would really appreciate anyone’s advice.
I was with my partner for 8years, in a relationship from college, before we decided to get married. We had survived a long distance relationship as we went to different universities in different cities, and I thought marriage would be all set. I knew I was going to have to live with his family for some time after marriage, as that is just part of our culture.

We always talked about eventually getting our own place, after about 2yrs. I was apprehensive about moving in with his family, because although we had been together 8yrs he never introduced or welcomed me into his family, whereas he was pretty much a part of mine from day 1. When I moved in I tried my best, but saw all these different sides to him I didn’t even realise existed, as if he was hiding this part of his life from me.

Turned out he was extremely attached to his mum and dad, and his sister, who is roughly the same age as him. I found it really difficult to adjust to this side of him, and wasn’t comfortable in the house because of him, and also his mum and sister are quite controlling. They like to do everything for him, and I wasn’t able to ever cook for him and me, or even wash his clothes.

I made myself really detached almost instantly, because I started to feel really depressed and missed my family because his house didn’t feel like home. 4 months into the marriage, my husband asked me to ‘leave his house’ because he wasn’t happy with how I had been with his parents and sister, and they had apparently been crying because they felt I hadn’t made the effort to mix in.

he said he could see the whole time I wasn’t gelling with them, but he didn’t speak to me about this, he instead was writing down every time I acted in a way they didn’t approve of to read out to me later. I would spend a lot of time in our bedroom and not much time downstairs with the family, but I didn’t feel comfortable, especially with his relationship between him and his mum and sister.

I would take my food upstairs and eat alone, or spend the whole evening upstairs, as my husband would work very late most nights. after he asked me to leave, he dropped me back to my parents house, he left me there for a week while he decided what he wanted to do, and until I had sufficiently apologized to all the family for what I had done to hurt them.

I moved back in after a week or so, and tried my best to mix in, but by this time my husbands attitude had completely changed towards me. From then on we have been very emotionally and physically distant, and there is no resemblance of a relationship let alone a marriage. He wouldn’t speak to me much, and there is no opportunity to have a private life – hes no longer affectionate, caring or friendly.

His parents are controlling, and there’s always functions or events to attend, and we don’t really get given a choice on what we do. Everything must be on his family’s routine, and I was told I need to spend less time and talk less to my family because I am married now and it is my duty to always be with his family. I felt like another child being told what to do by parents and my role is just to slip into their way of living and just be okay with it.

My relationship with both the in-laws and husband completely deteriorated, and he has no interest of having a life with me alone, everything must be with the family. I’ve tried to talk to him about being distant, but his answer was always I don’t make enough effort or care enough about his family, so he cannot be normal or a husband to me. I also suffer from MS, and none of that is taken into account when I am too tired or need space when I’m feeling particularly bad.

No one cares what the effects of the living situation has done to my illness as well as my relationship, which has an 8yr foundation but is now completely destroyed. My husband and his mother continuously tell me it is my fault, because of me not integrating with the family, but they don’t understand I alone was expected to adapt to their entire way of living, and it didn’t matter what I wanted or that I wanted a private life with my husband too.

I have now been living separately from my husband for a few months, as I walked out when things got particularly bad and now stay with my parents. I understand at times I was rude when having to stand up for myself but everything has been blamed on me. Since leaving my husband has made no attempt to reconcile, but meets up with me around once a week because he says he misses and still loves me, he just says he ‘doesn’t know’ how to fix it, even if I try.

When I tell him maybe we don’t have a future, he doesn’t agree, but has also made no effort to fix things, even when I suggest moving out for a short while to see if we still can work. I don’t really know what to do, and am completely lost and stuck in a limbo. The whole year has shattered my confidence, I feel empty and not myself, and I just don’t trust my husband anymore.

But I’ve been with him so long, and now am 27yrs old, so feel I don’t know if ending it is even the right thing. I feel so confused about whether I should just divorce him, because I really can’t go back to his family's house, but he has no interest in moving out because he wants to stay with his family. I just don’t feel strong enough for a divorce, and am scared of being alone for the rest of my future.

Has anyone had similar experiences or can offer any advice please? I’m so sorry for such a long post, this is over a years’ worth of my life, I’ve been married a year and 8 months.
4 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
3060903 tn?1398565123
Wow, i love the way you write, and i'm really glad that you have such a good handle on everything that has gone on, and how you're feeling. lease don't apologize for a longer than most post, often we are left having to try to pull out enough info to maek a comment that is helpful. You've done an A+ job letting us know what's going on and how you're feeling.

I agree with what the others have said there. I think you need to get into therapy yourself, and if your ex (and i'm sorry but you're not living together and at this point, he is your "ex") misses you enough to attend , you and he may have a chance of working this out.  I'm not sure where you're living.If you are living in your country of origin , it might be difficult to find a therapist that will tell you that it's okay for you to have expectations of your husband that include possibly becoming more independent from his family. I could be wrong. The fact is, that you have the expectation that your husband put you first, and not last. And that's okay. It's better than okay. It is okay to make your own rules.

You've mentioned that you have ms, and need some time to yourself. I find your husband is unable to compromise his own rigid belief system to allow for his wife's different personality traits and needs. I think that unless  he is going to back up his still being you life, with the action of hearing your needs and making your needs his priority, by going to counseling and finding ways for your marriage to work (yes, compromise), then i'm so sorry honey, but i believe it's time for you to cut ties and move on. Again i understand that if you are immersed in the lands of your culture, this may feel like the ends do not justify the means, in other words it might feel like if you do not accept the cultural norm in this case, it may feel unlikely that you will find a man that can think outside of the box his family and culture is putting him in and ever find someone to put your needs first. The cultural norm of the need of  having his family fully accept you to be fully acceptable is not something that I've ever had to deal with in the country i live in. In fact, my husband's mother said upon first meeting me, She "didn't think too much of me" (mostly because i was the 2nd wife, she told my step daughter i would only have step mother status if i had a child with my husband and as i was 39 when we met that wasn't happening. My step daughter still thinks the way her late grama and mother thought. It is not coincidental that she is 28 and has never made a friend, unfortunately she is part of the poisoned tree. The dear girl was taught exclusion and suffers from the same family of origin to this day and perhaps for a lifetime.) Anyways, I read the writing on the wall early, and had no further interest in getting to know my husband's mother, or family for that matter. I have gone and visited some of his extended family on occasion, but really, i can't be bothered trying to change something that is so deeply ingrained. Simply, i don't like them and the way they act towards newcomers. I find them overly judgemental. End of story.

My husband understands and we have a life together that we live fully, together most of the time,. Now that i'm getting older, and having health problems of my own, he has  been 100% supportive. Now that i'm getting older and lost my early beauty to a degree, i know that he's still all in. While we enjoyed our youth, this guys a keeper , truly he will "love me when i'm 64" (a Beattles song). Our life has always been about us, i miss not having had the extended family. I don't have a family of origin of my own. .It would have  been nice, In fact, as such, it could have been a requirement of mine, that i did have his family of my own. The reality is, that my husband and I are family and he is very close with my son. He cares and knows where  he wants to stand. With our family. I can't change how his daughter thinks, she is missing out on a pretty spectacular slightly older step brother, and that is her loss and her cross to bare. You can't change something that is not recognized. Your man may not have the jam to separate his thoughts from his family. He may not be able to stand on his own and fight to regulate a compromise that will make you happy. The only thing worse than wasting 8 years on this, is wasting 9 years. You are still young enough to have a  life, and children with someone who has the  capacity to put you first. Give him an ultamatum, draw a line in the sand. If he wont' talk about your needs being his first priority, you should walk away. Find a therapist that supports your position, and ask them to talk to your husband, if he will, you may have a slim chance of working this out.

Please know we care and are here for you to talk to anytime. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hope to hear back from you on this subject.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I can't imagine living in such a depressing situation. Good that you separated and not living there anymore while thinking it over.

I can't make your decision for you, but I think you probably can see where this relationship is heading. Your husband says a lot of words about wanting to work things out but he is all talk no action. It's hard to believe someone who doesn't put their money where their mouth is. I think you should consider a timetable in mind after which time, if he hasn't made any actions to improve the situation, cut your losses and move on, regardless of the words coming out of his mouth. Life is too short to remain so miserable every day of your life.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Thank you so much for your reply - I still feel bad that I made a hasty decision to leave his house, so it's nice to know someone sees that as acceptable and normal. Everything you said above is right, he really just talks alot but his actions have left me feeling worthless. I just need the strength to move on I guess, because he refuses to do anything to improve the situation and instead wants me to do what he says, for him thats the only way to 'fix it'. Thank you again for your reply, I really do appreciate it.
Avatar universal
Hi,
Your situation is complex, but one of things that stood out to me is how your husband seems to put his parents and siblings above YOU and the health of your marriage. For a marriage to work out, compromises have to be made by both, an understanding has to be reached that works for BOTH. One cannot dig his/her heels in an expect the other to fall in line.

In this case, it seems like your husband is not yet ready to break the umbilical cord in a healthy way with his family and create your own family unit. This has to be explained to him so he realises it. Have you guys tried marriage counselling? The unhealthy patterns being followed and the rigidity shown by your husband wrt his family will be pointed out to him by an experienced marriage counsellor.

Wish you the best! Do keep us posted.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Thank you so much for your reply it really means a lot. I have suggested marriage counselling a number of times and he doesn't want to attend. I have told him he seems to put me and the marriage below his family members (he for some reason doesn't see me as 'family' even though we are married) and he doesn't think so, he thinks it's me alone that's the problem and we now have 'relationship issues' because of this family situation. I wish he would agree to see a counsellor, as the counseller I have been seeing (because of the damage of this year) thinks the exact same as you have mentioned above, so I don't see a resolution to this any more, which is really hard. Again I really appreciate your reply, thank you for your advice
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay, truth, that was a LOT to read.  I did my best but may have missed some details.  Bottom line, if living with his parents is a deal breaker for you and that is all he wants to do . . . there is not a compromise to that.  sometimes cutting our losses is best.  sorry hon, it sounds difficult. But you do not write glowingly of this man and I have to wonder if once you are over the impact of divorce, if you wouldn't really just be happier.  good luck
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Thank you for your reply, it means alot that you read my post! I do feel like my feelings have changed towards, but the idea of divorce scares me a lot, especially as he is the only person I've ever been in a relationship with, and am really attached. I'm still hoping for a miracle and him to see things a bit differently, but I'm not sure how much longer I should wait. Thank you again
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.