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Living with my mother in law is driving me crazy

My family has been living with my MIL for 5 years. 5 years ago, we decided to buy my dream house , and in order to buy that house, my MIL moved in with us and helped us purchase the house. (Giving my husband his inheritance early) I can't stand living with her. I constantly blame myself for this situation and putting my kids and husband in this situation because I wanted this house. She is 89 years old. Every day when I come home from work she is sitting in the Living room waiting for me to come home. I don't have one minute to just de compress before she is pouncing on me with 1 million questions. It's gotten to the point where my daughter and I will be sitting in the living room, and the second we hear her open her door to come down, we run upstairs because we don't want to talk to her.  She does the same thing to my husband and he works long days and all she does is pounce on everybody she second we get home. We don't want to talk and we don't want a million questions. It's like we can never escape her. And I always have to worry about her. We can't do anything spontaneous because I have to worry about what' she's going to eat for dinner. We can't decide to do something before God forbid she's not involved or It doesn't fit her wants needs. Everyone is annoyed by her and I just want her gone but obviously that's never going o happen. She thinks that just because she lives here, she is automatically granted involvement and has the right to know everything personal about us. I seriously can't stand living with her. All she does is sit and watch TV all day and never has anything to say but complaints. We have asked my sister in law to take her out (she lives 5 min from us) but she will take her out when we aren't home. For example they will go to lunch on a Monday. But that's not helpful because we aren't home. We want her gone when WE ARE HOME. I just don't know what to do anymore. She also favors her grandchildren except for my children. My children are her least favorite and it's very obvious. My nieces and nephews will go my MILs summer home all the time by themselves. And one time we asked if we could go and she basically told us no. I am 50 and my husband is 55 we are adults not children and she had the audacity to say that she gets that she isn't part of our family because we wanted to go alone. How dare she. UGH
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13167 tn?1327194124
In rethinking,   newyorkgirl,  I do think everyone would feel differently if you said you had 4 little kids and couldn't afford decent housing in the good school district so you made this arrangement.    I think there would be a lot of empathy for that.  As it is,  your reason for getting into this agreement seems kind of shallow,  and something you can easily give up to keep your sanity and health.  
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
newyorkgirl,  I know you're frustrated and angry with the responses,  but here's how I see this:

You bought more house than your family could afford,  with your MIL's money,  on the condition that she be able to live in this house with you permanently.  And her behaviors and opinions grate on your nerves,  and you're asking for help with this.

I don't know what else can be said,  except renegotiate the housing deal,  sell the house,  locate housing your family can afford without your MIL's money,  and set your MIL up in housing appropriate for her age and ability.

As it is,  you are stuck in a life that is probably ruining your health because you refuse to solve the problem.

And I do wish you well,  honestly.  I couldn't stand living with someone who grated on my nerves - but honestly,  it's your choice to live above your means that has caused this.
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Avatar universal
And I'm kind of shocked at what you said. "Given her all and only wants to hear how our day was". It is much more than that. I'm not complaining because my MIL wants a quick chit chat.
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Avatar universal
You don't know my situation or my life. My MIL has not given her all to us. I don't know where you got that from.
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Avatar universal
I did not come here for parenting advice. My MIL is a selfish, rude, mean woman. She favors all grand kids over my children. And that has NOTHING. to do with my children's dislike for her. They dislike her because of her actions. Not the other way around. I never bad mouth my MIL in front of my children and my daughter has her own opinions of my MIL that are 100% NOT influenced by myself.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
I think that "hate" on your part, and then on your daughter's part, is a pretty harsh way to look an an older women that given her all to your family, and who only wants to hear about your day. Don't you think so? I think the first thing you could do is to remove that word and the actions that go with it  (hiding) as a result, from your lives and start fresh to find  a compassionate solution. It's possible and it sounds like you're from New York City and there's plenty of senior's programs and activities All you need to is have a positive attitude. It's the right thing to do. You're daughter will be proud of you, if you get a positive attitude, because it's the right thing to do. You can turn this into a Win Win situation, i'm pretty sure. So please think about admitting you've been short sighted, and are making new plans to keep your MIL occupied and happier. For the sake of goodness.
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134578 tn?1693250592
As I said before, if you dislike the status quo but won't shake up your quality of life or go through the hassle (with family, or refinancing, or other) to find her a better place to live where she has lots of things to do, it's now on you to find her those things some other way, and you are going to need to try hard unless you want the situation to drive you crazy.

Regarding your daughter who "hates her even more than I do," if this is the case (and the language), why are you surprised that your MIL seems to favor other grandchildren over your kids?  I agree with specialmom that modeling more compassion might help things, especially in front of your daughter, because even at 20, she sees what you do and will take her future cues from it.  

You said "it worked out that she would live with us," not "She suggested we buy a better house and she would move in."  It doesn't sound like she pleaded to be allowed to spend her life with your family, but that it was more one of those family discussions about mom and her issues, and someone from your side said "We could take her if we bought a better house, but we'd need some help from her to do it."  So here is what you've got.  She is old and will not get younger or healthier.  You say you can't
1) sell the house towards the goal of your and your family's peace of mind,
2) refinance the house to make some money for her to be in a high-quality, fun, independent-care place (and believe me, the top-dollar ones are not what you keep calling "a home," they are more like cruise ships, with five or more activities every day to choose from)  or
3) be happy about the status quo.  
This just keeps coming back to for your own peace of mind and hers, you have to find ways for her to be active and involved.  There are places and programs, daytime care for seniors, all kinds of possibilities.

Count yourself lucky, frankly.  My dad has had a minor stroke and he needs help wiping his bottom.  You guys are just dealing with her social needs, for now.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
the part about how you and your daughter hide from her when her door opens.  What a role model for your daughter -

Your 20 year old daughter is an Adult Child, and still living at home. She absolutely is being influenced by your actions and is learning from you every day, regardless of her age.

I learned from each and every comment made here and I think it's important for you to be open and not resistant to hearing different sides of this issue. That's the beauty of the forum. To learn something  new, and to look at an issue from all the angles. There is definitely a solution in what you've heard here. So good luck and i pray for the best for your family to find a graceful solution.

God bless your MIL for giving away her independence to care for her son and his family. The fact is that at any time , you're MIL can become infirmed and unable to care for herself without 24/7 care.  Unless you are willing to care for these intimate needs (feeding, bathing, exercising to keep muscle healthy, ,changing her diapers, rolling her in different positions to avoid bed sores,) you will have to pay for someone else to care for all of her needs. While it may not be something that an elderly person wants ( to go into a residential nursing care facility) it may be quite necessary. Your MIL could easily have a stoke that requires nursing care. and it is your moral responsibility to address all of those needs, as well as her son caring about and helping to maintain her emotional stability. SO, i think you can and i think you should teach your adult children by example to keep your MIL is a fit state, physically and emotionally, as lack of both of these things can lead to your MIL requiring full time residential care.

So selling the house can and should be the option if these needs  arise. and there is no other choice for her personal care. What is the alternative but to sell the house?
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
This is hard to read and sad.  I'm guessing you are venting and getting it all out there but certainly you must realize how this reads.  You used her to get your dream house and now want to ditch her.  Like making a deal with the devil?  I'm sure you do beat yourself up as YOU brought this on yourself.  

But I can also relate on the aspect of annoying.  My father in law---  oh my gosh, the man told the same story over and over and over and he would talk and talk and talk.  He didn't live with us but would come to visit.  He had all sorts of peculiar habits and yes, it was a pain.  BUT, I did my darndest to never let HIM know.  We all did.  Because it wasn't his fault.  It wasn't like he was doing anything bad to want to talk and to tell his life's stories.  

We took turns.  I'd sit with him for an hour and then my husband would and our kids took turns, etc.  

And then he passed away.  And boy, do we all miss the stories.

I think this is one of those times I life that your attitude will dictate your emotions.  You made the deal.  So now make the best of it.  good luck
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Avatar universal
And my husband just won't sell the house we went through such a big process and selling it just isn't in the picture right now. And you guys seem to think that we asked my MIL to pay or took her money. She has money and when we were looking into purchasing a new house she was at the point in her life that she could no longer live by herself so it worked out that she would live with us. The rest of the family (my husbands brothers and sisters) wouldn't put her into a home nor would my MIL agree to it. She's old but she's not senile.
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Avatar universal
My daughter isn't a child she is 20 years old so I don't know what you were implying with that comment but she hates my MIL more than I do.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
I understand fully what Anniebrooke is saying here,  

I know that as an aging parent, i would rather not spend what i saved up for a lifetime i would prefer it to go to my son if it could be of help to them,
i think that i would be able to handle the idea that my son's family needed a bit of time to themselves,
but that's just me, not everyone,
I would willingly sacrifice a social life in the end, and just as soon shut myself away and paint, draw, read, knit, crochet, keep up with tv and documentaries etc.
But your MIL seems bored and lonely, regardless of whether she is around family.
And i can also see how it would hurt an old lady to have everybody scram when I came into a room and how bullying that would appear.

It would be ideal if you could refinance the house and give your MIL a better life, and i know there are senior's programs for seniors that still live with family.

I agree It' IS your responsibility to care enough to get her to having her best life. and i think that there will be time for your family to spend together alone, if you do that effectively.

Good luck with it. Thinking of this like it was you that was 89 and sacrificing everything for her child, would be best for all. (including your kids seeing how you handle this most compassionately).

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134578 tn?1693250592
Regarding a mother-in-law apartment, if she is old and by herself, it's not the apartment she needs, it's having someone to talk to and something to do with her days.  This means you're sure right in saying you can't force her to go sit in her room! which is what you would be asking her to do if you said "our family needs its privacy" and she took it to heart.  She needs something to do and someone to do it with.  If you resent the status quo but won't shake up your quality of life enough to pay for her to have a better place to live, it's now on you to find her those things some other way.

This also seems very important because of the part about how you and your daughter hide from her when her door opens.  What a role model for your daughter -- what's going to happen to you when you become old and annoying?

Anyway, find some senior services, either at a senior center or at an independent-living place, and get her there.  Arrange transport, arrange assistance, or take her there yourself every single day.  Sorry that is work, but you have ruled out all other options.  

I also want to comment on "getting his inheritance in advance."  It sounds like you or your husband or both thought her money belonged to him before she died and she would never need it to live in a high-class independent living place to her happiness and yours also.  But an inheritance does not happen until someone is actually dead.  Until then, her money belongs to her, for this very reason -- if she needs it she has it.   I hate to say it but in a lawsuit, part of the house (since it came from her money) would belong to her now (unless you guys got her to sign off on that, and even then a good lawyer could claim undue influence and get that agreement voided).  Given that she owns part of your house and she needs some money to go where life is more fun for her, please reconsider how to help her to be able to go where life is more fun for her.  

I get that you don't see this as this still being her money, at least not enough that you might seriously consider selling the house (purchased partly with her money) so she can buy in at one of the really nice places.  But she (and fortunately also you) needs a better quality of life.  Her money is still in existence as an asset -- it's just that the asset is part of your house.  

My dad is 87, he just moved to a place that costs $7800 a month (no down payment like some places) and he will probably spend all his money on living there before he dies.  It's a huge amount of money, it's his money.   He gets to spend it on himself and having a top quality of life when old and feeble.  That is why he worked and saved all his life.  If I (or my sisters) had gotten in there with "can we have our inheritance early?" he would not have had the money to go where he is, and he needs it!  He needs the activity and he needs the care.  Trying to keep him with one of us would have meant he would be isolated and bored, and we probably would have gotten resentful too, and if the kind of care he begins to need is too much, there would have been further problems.  Please take this into consideration when you say it's entirely out of the question to sell the house.  If not sell it, what about refinance it?  It's still her asset.
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13167 tn?1327194124
You're going to have to live like this,  if you've ruled out any solution.

I'm not sure why selling this house "is out of the question",  but it's your decision.  

So I guess the question is,  what do you see as a possible solution if you won't sell the house,  and won't put her in an adult living community?  Specifically,  what kind of help were you looking for in this forum?
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3060903 tn?1398565123
http://www.nyc.gov/html/dfta/html/senior/out-and-about.shtml

Start looking on the internet for groups for your MIL go become involved with.
That's what i'd do anyway.  
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3060903 tn?1398565123
I don't know how old your kids are but they're time at home with their parents is limited. I think you need to get your husband to sit down with his mother and lay out some very reasonable ground rules. It would not be considered cruel for him to tell his mother that the family needs to relax when they get home without having to give her a play by play of their day. That the family ABSOLUTELY does need time to bond as a family by themselves. I think that your husband should look into senior's groups, maybe having a teen wheel your MIL's wheelchair (if need be) through the mall, to the food court, to a movie, etc. You get the idea? Nothing changes if nothing changes.

The first and foremost thing that has to happen is for your husband to demand some privacy. That's the only way it's going to happen.
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Avatar universal
Also her room is just 3 steps up, she couldn't be in the basement 1. we can't afford it and 2. she can't walk up a flight of staires
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Avatar universal
She has her own little "apartment" attached to our house. A bedroom bathroom and "office" all separate from us which is attached to the kitchen... But i can't force her to stay in there she's lonely and bored. Its not really a possibility to move/sell our house. Thats out of the question. And my MIL cannot live on her own, but we will not send her to a home. (although i wish i could sometimes)
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3060903 tn?1398565123
Also, you DON'T HAVE TO BE THERE FOR HER EVERY MEAL. You can easily freeze a meal or prepare one for her earlier in the day.

You have to start thinking about possibilities rather than to let negativity control you. Anything is possible. Be positive about the changes you want to see happen. Your MIL not being able to see that you need your privacy should not control whether you attain privacy.
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3060903 tn?1398565123
If t's a huge house, can't you build an in law suite in the basement ? That would be my first priority i f i was moving in a MIL that couldn't understand that every body needs their privacy. I mean if you have a basement with a full bathroom, then it's pretty much set up as you can bring her her meals.

If your husband is agreeable that you and he and the kids need privacy you need to make that happen. It's a reasonable expectation given the circumstances. I wouldn't feel bad about wanting your privacy. I would state it as it is. Let her be the one to ask for her money back. if the situation that you offer to her isn't good enough.

Also, she's what 89? She's not going to be around forever, there is an end in sight no doubt about it. Maybe there is some agency that can have someone visit her to keep her company or bring her out, when you are all home, but frankly if she's living in an in law suite in the basement that should afford you privacy.

Again, YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR CHANGING WHAT'S HAPPENING NOW, AND TELLING HER THAT YOUR FAMILY (now) NEEDS (more) THEIR PRIVACY.  It might hurt her feelings, but it's not going to kill her to be told that her family needs some privacy. It will help a lot for her to adjust to it if you have something new in the works for her that will help to keep her busy. What about your paying for a babysitter to bring her to the mall in the evening? or is there a Senior Center that has knitting or crochet groups, or walks in the mall.? There has to be some sort of activities geared to an older person socializing or getting out where you are?

What do you think about setting up her own space in the basement? It might be that you lose a family room, but if' it's a big house you could manage for the amount of time she has left.

Be honest with her about your needs. It might be that she will work with you , along with community support. (and why not have her daughter take her for dinner when you're home?)

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13167 tn?1327194124
I also think it would be helpful to have a serious heart to heart with her,  in a kind way,  telling her that you feel she favors the other grandchildren and although you all live together,  your children aren't given the same favors.  It might be interesting to hear her side.  
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13167 tn?1327194124
I completely agree with Annie.  She sounds lonely,  and I do understand how you feel,  but it's also a little bit of a surprise you agreed to this in your 40's,  when it seems like you might have been more far-sighted and not so interested in a larger house than you could afford.  So I don't mean to beat a dead horse,  because you've acknowledged that it was a bad decision.

Get a house you can afford,  give back the inheritance so she can afford to pay for her own independent living,  and everyone will be happier.  
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134578 tn?1693250592
Sounds like it is time to sell the house, give her back the money she invested in it, and send her to Independent Living, if this is destroying your family.  She is probably super bored and also lonely, but not capable of having a life of her own, so being in an idependent living place would be more fun for her than what is happening now.  Sorry if it means losing your house, but it sounds like otherwise your family life will keep being low quality.
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