Aa
Lost in Love?
My husband and I got married a little over a year ago. We are both 21 with a 2 year old son. All of his friends are around his age/a little younger and have no responsibilities. Their biggest concern is when the next party is and who is bringing the pot. My husband has been staying out partying with them and sometimes not coming home until late. I would call him and he would get annoyed with me and we would hang up. Sometimes I even rode to his friends house and we would fuss and i would go home and he would come home later. This past week he has been staying out until 4am and he says he fell asleep there. Thurs and Fri he didn't come home at all. Yesterday (Sat) I saw him and we talked. I asked him if it was drugs or another girl. He said drugs. Then I asked him if he loved me anymore and he said no. I went hysterical and it ended on a bad note. He called me later that night wanting to see if i was ok. Today he tells me he loves me he is just not "in love" with me. He said this came up within the last 2 weeks. We have been together for 4 years. I really feel like he is completely confused because he wants to go out and party too. I hope and pray he is confused about what he is saying to. I need advice!!!
I agree with both above posts also the more you chase a man the faster he will run and he will leave if you stert trying to chase him down it is your decision whether you want to live this way or not just dont let him walk all over you he will just keep it up. also you can either take it and have more babys or you can leave lots of luck jo
Agiesmom, that was a fabulous post. I couldn't agree more.
MrsPakman, I saw problems when you made it clear that you and your husband made a baby together long before you married. Was it his idea to get married or yours? He obviously doesn't intend to be a daddy right now. Yes, he's a shite. Yes, he's immature. And yes, he's probably blaming you and the baby for "ruining" his partying life. I just hope you're prepared to be a single parent, because that's what you are now even with the piece of paper joining you to your husband. I guess one question you need to ask yourself is this: do you want to be a mother to one child or two?
It's time for the "Come to Jesus" talk. I agree with Agiesmom that this topic, painful as it is, allows you to yell and scream and point the finger of blame. You need to ask him calmly if he intends to ever be a mature father to his child and a husband to you. His response to those questions, calmly asked, will speak volumes. Ranting and raving are very easy to ignore. It's when a woman gets quiet and says nothing that her man needs to wake up and smell the coffee, because he's about to get hit upside the head with a nuclear radioactive biatch from h*ll. At least, that's what my husband has finally learned. :-)
MrsPakman, I saw problems when you made it clear that you and your husband made a baby together long before you married. Was it his idea to get married or yours? He obviously doesn't intend to be a daddy right now. Yes, he's a shite. Yes, he's immature. And yes, he's probably blaming you and the baby for "ruining" his partying life. I just hope you're prepared to be a single parent, because that's what you are now even with the piece of paper joining you to your husband. I guess one question you need to ask yourself is this: do you want to be a mother to one child or two?
It's time for the "Come to Jesus" talk. I agree with Agiesmom that this topic, painful as it is, allows you to yell and scream and point the finger of blame. You need to ask him calmly if he intends to ever be a mature father to his child and a husband to you. His response to those questions, calmly asked, will speak volumes. Ranting and raving are very easy to ignore. It's when a woman gets quiet and says nothing that her man needs to wake up and smell the coffee, because he's about to get hit upside the head with a nuclear radioactive biatch from h*ll. At least, that's what my husband has finally learned. :-)
You're both really young. And I think that when women become mothers, they mature more quickly. He may be feeling overwhelmed with his responsibilities and maybe even a bit envious of his friends who don't have those same responsibilities.
Regarding not being "in love", but still loving you, that's a natural progression, if you ask me. That butterflies in the stomach, not being able to stand the thoughts of not being physically together 24/7, making love non-stop, etc.--that naturally fades with time. It's simply not sustainable or reasonable to expect it to be like that indefinitely. If we never got past that, we'd never go to work! ;)
And as hard as it is, you need to let go. The harder you try to get him to change his behavior, the more he will resist...the worse it will get. Showing up in front of his partying friends with a two-year-old on your hip, fighting and crying, isn't going to make him see the light and go home and stop hanging around his friends. What's more likely happening is his friends are giving him a hard time about it, resulting in him resenting you and wanting to avoid you even more.
He needs to realize that he needs to change--he needs to stop doing drugs and needs to be responsible. You can't make him do either of those things. Do you think he has a serious drug addiction or is it more of a case of him being sucked into the whole partying scene because his friends are doing it?
You can do one of two things: Give him an ultimatum--quit the drugs and lose the friends and focus on his family...and leave him if he doesn't comply (file for divorce and child support and truly be done). Don't threaten and not follow through, though. If you aren't willing to do that (follow through if he doesn't change), your only other option is to step back, focus on your baby, and seek other moms of toddlers to befriend. These mothers will likely have husbands who are hopefully responsible and enjoy their kids and maybe you can invite them over on a Friday or Saturday night for a potluck barbecue or snacks and games while the kids play. But don't expect your husband to be involved--if he sticks around when people come over, great, if he doesn't, let him go. If he thinks you want him to stay and that you'll be upset if he doesn't, he won't come around.
He may never come around, but he is more likely to come around when he realizes he isn't the focus for you anymore. When he sees you being independent, not needing him and his attention and his time--when he sees another guy pushing his son on the swing or pulling him around the yard in the wagon with his own son or daughter--that's when he will wake up.
If I were you, I'd behave the way a married mother would behave--take care of things around the house, make dinner (if he shows up, fine, if not, you and the baby eat together), take care of your child, get involved in groups or activities (there are toddler reading times at the library, Gymboree, seek a home schooling group (it may sound odd, but there are usually playgroups for moms of toddlers and preschool classes at co-ops that you can go to)).
Keep yourself busy with your new family-oriented friends and your family. He will either continue on his downward spiral with his friends and drugs until you eventually get fed up and realize you truly don't want him in your life anymore--or he'll figure it out and make some better choices and befriend guys with whom he has more in common now that he's married and has a child.
I really do feel for you. I know it sucks. But you will NEVER make him behave any differently. He has to make the decision to change himself. When you stop needing him and expecting anything of him is when he will come around and be more involved.
Best of luck to you.
Regarding not being "in love", but still loving you, that's a natural progression, if you ask me. That butterflies in the stomach, not being able to stand the thoughts of not being physically together 24/7, making love non-stop, etc.--that naturally fades with time. It's simply not sustainable or reasonable to expect it to be like that indefinitely. If we never got past that, we'd never go to work! ;)
And as hard as it is, you need to let go. The harder you try to get him to change his behavior, the more he will resist...the worse it will get. Showing up in front of his partying friends with a two-year-old on your hip, fighting and crying, isn't going to make him see the light and go home and stop hanging around his friends. What's more likely happening is his friends are giving him a hard time about it, resulting in him resenting you and wanting to avoid you even more.
He needs to realize that he needs to change--he needs to stop doing drugs and needs to be responsible. You can't make him do either of those things. Do you think he has a serious drug addiction or is it more of a case of him being sucked into the whole partying scene because his friends are doing it?
You can do one of two things: Give him an ultimatum--quit the drugs and lose the friends and focus on his family...and leave him if he doesn't comply (file for divorce and child support and truly be done). Don't threaten and not follow through, though. If you aren't willing to do that (follow through if he doesn't change), your only other option is to step back, focus on your baby, and seek other moms of toddlers to befriend. These mothers will likely have husbands who are hopefully responsible and enjoy their kids and maybe you can invite them over on a Friday or Saturday night for a potluck barbecue or snacks and games while the kids play. But don't expect your husband to be involved--if he sticks around when people come over, great, if he doesn't, let him go. If he thinks you want him to stay and that you'll be upset if he doesn't, he won't come around.
He may never come around, but he is more likely to come around when he realizes he isn't the focus for you anymore. When he sees you being independent, not needing him and his attention and his time--when he sees another guy pushing his son on the swing or pulling him around the yard in the wagon with his own son or daughter--that's when he will wake up.
If I were you, I'd behave the way a married mother would behave--take care of things around the house, make dinner (if he shows up, fine, if not, you and the baby eat together), take care of your child, get involved in groups or activities (there are toddler reading times at the library, Gymboree, seek a home schooling group (it may sound odd, but there are usually playgroups for moms of toddlers and preschool classes at co-ops that you can go to)).
Keep yourself busy with your new family-oriented friends and your family. He will either continue on his downward spiral with his friends and drugs until you eventually get fed up and realize you truly don't want him in your life anymore--or he'll figure it out and make some better choices and befriend guys with whom he has more in common now that he's married and has a child.
I really do feel for you. I know it sucks. But you will NEVER make him behave any differently. He has to make the decision to change himself. When you stop needing him and expecting anything of him is when he will come around and be more involved.
Best of luck to you.
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