Married and in love with another man.

Question

I have been dating my husband for 6 years right before we got married 1 year ago. In my eyes, everything was perfect. He started coming home later than usual and acting strange. One night we went out with friends and when we got home he started and argument with me and left at 2am and turned his phone off. Turned out he had cheated with one of the girls that came along with us. He refused to tell me what happened and I was in the wrong for caring. As the days passed he felt so guilty he began saying he never loved me, how horrible I was and broke me down to nothing. I left. I began talking to a guy friend about my issues because I wanted to feel needed. We began to become really close. At this time, my husband had still been with the other girl for weeks. I later decided to give my husband another chance, but then he said he might still have feelings for this other woman. So I left yet again. My friend accepted me with open arms. I began to really accumulate feelings for him. But third time is the charm taking back your husband... This time he's willing to do anything for me and he's been great, but I think it's too late. I've fallen in love with the man who was there for me when I needed him most. I realize now, I've only stayed with my husband because of comfort. I will lose everything I've ever known. The hardest part is my friend messaged me saying, he can't let this potential love pass him bye. He also accumulated these deep feelings for me when neither of us were trying to. I honestly feel like my husband loves me more than I love him. It's hard to imagine him with another woman. Should I stay or should I go?

Nighthawk61 · Answer

If i were dating for six long years, and then my partner cheated after our marriage, i wouldn't trust him to have not been cheating for earlier long dating period. In other words, i would have to question whether there was any real monogamy throughout the relationship and the trust issues would always weigh heavily upon the relationship. 

Material assets can be a big draw to stay, but the fact is that you can replace items, just as you can replace a relationship that doesn't hit the mark. 

If it were me, i would find my own composer without a man, but i don't think i would walk away from a possible relationship with a man that provided me with emotional security. I suggest that you find your own way to personal security, by further education if necessary and finding your own job security. I would date the other man, while working towards your own personal security.

specialmom · Answer

Here's the deal.  Relationships that start via adultery most always fail.  Because it starts under a cloud.  And there are trust issues because it started with the knowledge that the person has the capacity to cheat.  

So, if you want to be with someone else, end your relationship fully before starting a new one.

But, I'll say this. You'd be wise to NOT be with anyone right off the bat.  You're hurting.  You're in a bad marriage.  Often, without realizing we're doing it---  we grab another guy that is familiar to us in some way and get those woozy feelings for them like a band aid.  There is no foundation there.  Rebound is real.  And it often ends in our not making the best choices for ourselves.  So, you should take a break if you divorce to be YOU>  No men involved.  Get strong again and then pick the best person to be with at that point.  

good luck

AnnieBrooke · Answer

If there are no kids, and he cheated on you more than once, and you don't love him that much (frankly it's not hard to understand why), it's probably time to go.  Material possessions or concern for your position as his wife are no reason to stay married, you should stay married for love and leave if it has worn out its welcome, unless you have children counting on you to stay. 

It does seem a shame to run immediately into the arms of someone else without having a time where it's just you, figuring out who you are without a man as a shield, though.  See if you can do that.