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Menopause my wife at 58 driving me crazy.

Me and my wife are 58yrs.old this has been going on for several yrs.she picks a fight over nothing its all my fault.im very good to her and she to me.i cant touch her titts nomore.i cant rub her no more.everything hurts her.she doesnt want me to watch her dress or undress.she cant have the bigger o through intercourse.it has to be rubbed or vibrator.i ask all the time do you want a rub no.i dont feel like it but have found out she masterbating and she denys that.if i put my arms around her she goes off.weve always i thought had great sex sometime everyday.now she wants me to stand 12'away to have sex im sorry i wish i was that big of a stud but im not nowhere close.she wants me to get in and out as quick as possible no messing with the gold mine.she says she has no problem having sex it doesnt hurt i love my wife been married 38yrs.but now ive started looking at naked women and masterbating so i dont borther her.i dont like this i think its wrong.i treat her very nice.she has 4 more yrs.to work.im retired from 30yrs. In a factory worked long hrs.demanding hard long hrs.work.ive done ok.i had to go on disablity before i retired but i was still connected to the co.understanding our contract.i done well for someone who raised thereself since 12yrs old.ive been dhot accidently i had polio child viral mennugitis fibro.o/arthritis 14 surgerys.but as a man who loves his wife i dont want to give up my sex life i love sex.my wife was my first same for her.and now i cant even hug her.
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134578 tn?1693250592
It's hard to know what to advise.  It sounds like your wife is emotionally drained in terms of sex and cuddling with you (though she might like the cuddling if she didn't think it would automatically lead to the desire for sex in your mind).  This doesn't mean she does not love and appreciate you, it probably means that the idea of sex is unappealing to her overall (even though she might masturbate every now and then, that is just a cold-hearted physical release, and does not require the emotional expenditure that sex with another person requires, for women).  If she is drained of the emotions for it, she won't be interested in it.  She probably feels embarrassed over this for your sake and perhaps a little sorry, and that would certainly make her defensive if you ask her for sex.  But being sorry and embarrassed does not mean she can muster up any sexual desire.  My suggestion is that she might see a doctor and ask about testing her hormone level and possibly her thyroid, but that perhaps a counselor could be of better help to get to hear from her what is wrong.  

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A couple of other ideas --

A friend of mine in a marriage for a long time told me recently that she was "just tired of being pawed all the time."  Who knows what makes for that reaction in some women, but I don't think it is menopause alone, however.  It might be that she felt used by her husband for his sexual gratification for a long time already and had finally decided that it was enough.  They aren't getting a divorce; I assume with their long history together and at their ages, they figure it's better to stay together as partners even in a marriage without much sex.

It might be that the only way you are going to get your wife to give you a totally honest statement about what is going on for her (if she even knows) is probably if the two of you go to a couples therapist. If it is not a total mystery to her where her sexual desire went -- for example if she knows that she feels the way my friend felt -- she might not want to tell you just when the two of you are talking because it would hurt your feelings.  (Even if she doesn't want to have sex, she probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings.) It might take the help of a trained counselor to get her to open up about what she is going through. (Again, if she herself knows where her desire went.)

Another possibility is that she might have a crush on someone else.  I would guess she is not having an affair, but just noticing someone else and thinking about him can make some women find their regular partner unstimulating.  This would not be something you should accuse her of, or even ask her (unless it is in front of a counselor who is there to help you with communications), because she would probably prefer not to let you know.  These things are transitory if they are imaginary for the woman and not acted on, and most crushes are just in the mind, and if she has one she doubtless knows this and again, wouldn't want to hurt your feelings by expressing it when it is bound to go away eventually.

Sometimes women hit their late 50s and look back at their lives and feel like all the things they hoped would have come true in life have not, and now they are losing their looks and their energy and their hopes that sooner or later big successes will be theirs, and that is just really disappointing.  If she is working and you're sitting home on the disabled list, she might feel like life is just not what it was cracked up to be, and might be processing a lot of disappointment.  If that is the case, she could probably benefit from talking to a counselor for herself.

In your shoes I would ask her if she would attend couples counseling with you.  If she won't go, go alone. Or she might go alone and you go alone, and then the two of you go together.  I assume at 58 you don't want to move forward to a future of another perhaps 30+ years of marriage with no sex, so it is worth getting the counseling ball rolling to decide what that means about your marriage.
Avatar universal
Maybe i explained it wrong if i did im sorry but i dont know what to do.pack my bags and walk away im not doing that not what all we been through you dont even know half of it a man should be able to love his wife and not only sex.but to feel close and hold them tell them you love them.but i reckon thats to much to ask for.
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Is there any women out there that can stand up and help a man.
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I was hoping somebody could give me some good advice or say something to help me get through this its hard on a man to we wake up one moring with a different woman.i dont know what to do with this i have a disable daughter to.im about to go crazy.i love my wife.rabbit3
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Avatar universal
Please i hope some women will answer my post i really need help how to work thistles out.not trying to be outside of the way but hadn't to explain.i need a woman who bcares to tell me the trufh about what i can do.thank you.rabbitt3
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Avatar universal
Rabbitt3 i have to look at naked women or i would forget what it looks like.we was doing it 4 times a week than she cutting it down to 3 then down to 2 if im lucky.im taking testrone shoot once a month because i had none in my system i got so weak i couldnt get up.but it has really helped.but it makes me horney to.i cant helping it.i know she uses a shower head to masterbate and late at night her fingers.but i cant hardly touch it.something aunt right i told here this she denied it and told me if i wanted to jerk off do it she didnt care.
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Avatar universal
From rabbitt3 i need some help anybody know what i can do.i also have a disabled grown daughty.i havent had a nice hug and a kiss for along time i love snuggling up with my wife but i cant remmeber when we last done that i miss it so much i think its gone for good.instead of a wife i sleep with a piece of ice.most of the time when i get in bed she gets up and sleeps in a recliner.im a very clean person.do fiquire it out.she told me that thats the only way i love her is for sex.she never wants to spice our sex life up.she doent like it when i talk about sex.she getts mad.
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I reckon everybodys to afraid to help a man understand all this well i guess ill live through it by the grace of the lord.
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