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502065 tn?1329187519

Messy and very traumatising break up.

My former girlfriend and I we got together on the 21st February 2011, we were seeing each other for 5 weeks prior and we really click. We shared our first kiss one year today. Thing were going swimmingly up until september/october 2011 when a massive blow to our relationship stopped us both in our tracks. Her parents are really conservative and because she suffers from depression, self harm and Bulimia several nights throughout August she asked to see me, bare in mind this was midnight, she was down and was upset so I asked my friend would he come with, she asked her friend to come out to keep mine company whilst we spoke.

Long story short, we went and sat at the Basketball courts and my girlfriend at the time walked away, I didn't notice until I saw her heading towards a carpark, I walked after her, I found her sobbing in the middle of the road, repeatedly saying "I saw her, she was standing right there!" I begged her to tell me what she saw she eventually said "Ellie, I saw Ellie, she was there, I saw her!" I comforted her, I told her she was probably trying to bring over the message that she's safe and well.

We walked back to the basketball courts and we sat on the ground, in the middle of it. 5-10 minutes into sitting on the floor and talking strong, yet gentle gusts of wind began to encircle is, which made me think she did see Ellie.

Long story short-ish, Her mum found out about us going about at midnight and forbid us from seeing each other, which was the blow which our relationship didn't need. Over November and December things got from good to downright awful, with me ending the relationship on the 28th December so that her friends and her could focus on rebuilding their friendship (they hated me!)

Over January we got close again and we began going out again, but things weren't the same, she'd not tell me how she felt, she'd never tell me she loved me unless I provoked her into doing so. She was self harming and recently, I cut my chest with a blade (one off, not again!)

Anyway, we broke up for good 3 days ago, I stupidly tried blackmailing her and she ended it. She claimed a few days prior she wanted to be with me and only me. Yesterday however she was already in a new relationship, I want her to be happy, I truly do, but how does one move on so quickly after a crushing break up? I've not eaten fully for 3 days, I had one small meal on Sunday and since then I've tried to eat some bread which I couldn't keep down. I've eaten a yoghurt which is the only thing I can seem to tolerate for now.

Where do I go from here? I can't move on because I have so many questions left unanswered, I have so much I need to say to her and she won't see me so it makes it near impossible to move on. I cannot trust myself, I can't trust other females, I've been messed around in my previous 2 relationships and lead on for over a year so my trust is completely wiped out and I can't do anything, I have no energy, I have no motivation, she's moved on which makes me slightly happy but upset.

Ideas??
7 Responses
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13167 tn?1327194124
;D  Thanks,  Tink.  
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Avatar universal
WOW, ROCKROSE - YOU ROCK!!
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13167 tn?1327194124
Stressed,  I've been reading your stuff for quite awhile now,  and I think you need to go in a WHOLE other direction than where you are.  This girl is gone.  Your need for answers isn't going to be satisfied,  because there aren't answers except she's not interested in you anymore.  That's what teenage girls do - they have boyfriends they want,  and then the feeling fades.  That's the answer to what happened here.  You're kind of lucky the parents didn't take legal action to keep you away.

So that's in the past.  Your future is what you make of it.  I think you need to take about a day (really,  a day,  not years) to begin to reinvision who  you are,  and what your very near future will hold.  You're approaching 20,  and you're doing nothing as far as I can tell.  You don't have a job,  you haven't had one for a long time (if ever) and I don't see any movement in that direction.  You're basically a huge bundle of raw nerves doing nothing.

This reads harsher than it would sound if I were talking to you.  Imagine a motherly voice telling you all this.

So.  I think you need to actively purge your purposeful negative thoughts - start by changing that horrid avatar and name.  When you see those,  your brain tells you you are stressed and sleepless.  How about a name like BritishGuy and a piano avatar,  or whatever it is that symbolizes you better than that horrible bloodshot face.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

You are entertaining negativity over and over and over and it's getting you absolutely nowhere.   Purge your life of the negative symbols, and only entertain positive thoughts,  and see where you are in month. My guess is,  you'll be on a different planet.
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Avatar universal
I am sorry you are going through this.  I hope you don't find this patronizing.  That is not the point... the point is truthfulness and that's what you'll get from me.

Depression is really nothing to mess with.  This girl has been through a lot, and it seems as if you've been down a lot of these roads with her.  Nobel in one respect, but on another level... it is not what she needs.  This young lady has issues that you cannot help her with.  You can be there beside her, but you cannot solve her issues unless you are a professional in the field of mental illness.

The amount of love you can show her, unfortunately doesn't amount to much.  I was diagnosed as clinically depressed years ago.  I was and am married to a woman who could not love me more, but even she could not offer me the help I needed.  Somehow, she managed to stand by me for 14 years and a lot of traumatic incidents that almost ended our marriage until I decided to hit bottom.

My wife asked me, nudged me even to see a therapist about my depression.  I declined, partly because I didn't see my problem as serious and partly because I saw "getting help" as a weakness.  The last thing I wanted to seem was weak to my wife and kids when they deserved the strong man that I had always been.

All of the trauma I put us through was finally a wake up call for me.  Like an addict, I hit my rock bottom and knew I needed help.  If my life was to go on, if my marriage and relationship with my children was going to survive, I needed to face my problems with the aide of mental health professionals.  (I was seeing 2 simultaneously....)  They understood and validated my issues... they did not condone my negative behaviors, but did validate my feelings.  

I hope that she can find some help and you as well.  It is available, and you too have been through a lot as well.  There are people that care and help is out there waiting for you.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
My point was not to hurt your feelings or patronize you, I promise.  

The reality is that this girl is mentally unhealthy.  She needs help.  Best thing that could happen for her is that her parents DO find out all she has been doing and if you need to tell them, do so.  She needs professional help.  Period.  I know that those who suffer mental difficulties will have good days but her bad days are alarming.  I am sorry that her parents are checked out or in denial about her issues----------  because she really needs an adult to take charge of her and get her help.  

That is above all else.  That is the bigger picture. That is the main concern here.  

I don't doubt you feel love for her.  But I hope for your own sake that at some point you will learn that love is a choice.  I've loved many in my lifetime--------  and left several because the situaiton wasn't right or good for me.  I chose a man to be my husband because the relationship was healthy and working well.  Down the road, you might understand what I mean more.  

Now, she is 16 and you are almost 20.  Parents might be concerned about you and she sneaking out at night.  That is a basic thing that parents will be po'ed at.  I bet they did try to interfere with the relationship at that point, many parents would.  And if they are in denial about their daughters mental health issues or checked out as parents enough to be unaware, then it is much easier for them to just think cutting you out of the picture will solve the problem.  Naive as to what the true problems are but many parents will choose this easy route.  

You have to understand that her 'digging at her wrist or vomiting if she had an extra calorie' during bad times means that she has not learned how to cope and her mental health issues come into play.  Depression can take over completely and maybe every day will end up being bad days for her and she could wind up like her friend.  SHE NEEDS HELP.

A hard lesson in life is that we can't save everyone---------  they must try to save themselves.  Her recovery will be long and possibly a life long challenge for her.  Bulimia, cutting are things people find very difficult to overcome.  AND, often when they do, they switch to other desructive things to numb their pain.  SHE NEEDS HELP.  

If you love her, call her mother and tell her the truth.  This girl might hate your for it in the begining  but it might save her life.  

goodluck with the job and I do hope that on to have a happy life full of drama free love.  Peace
Helpful - 0
502065 tn?1329187519
I found some of the above quite patronising. We did have amazing times together, she very rarely self harmed, purged or was unhappy when things were right, her best friend (Ellie) commit suicide, it was a tragic blow to her life and whether you believe in spirits or not, I believe in what she saw.

You're right, relationships do not equate to massive drama, when we were spending days together, relaxing, chatting joking around by the lake things were perfect, loving, cuddling, holding each other when we were down. We were both there for one another and believe me, I know this is love, I thought I knew what love was when I was sixteen, my best friend had sex with the girl I thought I had fell for. It look me nine months to get over that.

It's been 3 days and it feels like a year already, her parents didn't know the full story, I mean absolutely no disrespect to them because they have fantastic values, but they don't believe and they don't know their daughter has these problems despite her mum seeing her self harm wounds for herself.

Sorry but any loving parent would immediately console the person and get them help, not pass it off as a phase! She is sixteen and I am nineteen, I tried to do right everyday with her. When her mother asked about seeing her, I denied it because she didn't want her mother finding out about all her problems. So I guess what I really did was set myself up for a fall in the long run.

I believe in the saying "You cannot help who you fall for." I didn't plan on getting involved in a relationship, truthfully? I wanted fun, just having fun like every guy. But I fell for her and I soon realised she was a part of me. Friends used to comment that "you two are like an old married couple" we'd fight, we'd bicker but deep down, everyone knew we loved each other, going back to the remark about an old married couple "In sickness and in health" I believe that shouldn't be just to a marriage, but in fact all relationships which you love the person dearly.

I do need to ask her questions, she began pushing me away gradually, making excuses up not to see me, spending more time with other guys than me, she on numerous occasions broke my trust greatly, but I forgave her because I love her.

I truly believe that because other people interfered in the relationship, it caused severe tension between us, her friends interfered because I had no money to buy her a card or present for her birthday. Her friends and not to forget her family judged me on that! Since that day, they began to get more involved, asking questions, interfering, asking about our physical relationship.

I suffered from bullying, I have been physically beaten, verbally abused, I had no help from no one, despite the silent cries for help, no one came. I knew what I was taking on, I knew she had issues with her depression, but when we met, they quickly became hidden and I was going to try to get her help the day her parents forbid us from seeing on another. It was a Tuesday or Wednesday they stopped us seeing each other, the Friday we had both planned on going to the doctors to get her help, to battle her demons head on, she was all up for it, it was a massive blow for her health!

I hate drama, I'd certainly not spend my life with someone who is always digging into their wrists or vomiting because they had an extra calorie. As mentioned before, things were fine when no one was getting involved, I'm old fashioned and believe no one should be interfering in anyone's affairs because it's just not their business. Now I know if things were simple and we weren't being interfered with, things would've been simpler, I'd of taken her for help, she'd be happier and less prone to self harming.

Break ups are hard, damn hard and I will not move on, trust myself or any other female for a very long time, It took 2 years to properly trust again after my relationship when I was 16, i'm 20 in 2 months and I know I won't be in another relationship for at least a year or two.

I'm waiting to hear about some jobs, long hours to completely bury me under so that I have nothing but work to think about, it's mentally and physically exhausting  but so I not eating and being able to move!

Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh my goodness.  I hate that you are so young and this is what you think love is.  My hope and prayer is that this relationship doesn't set a precedence for you for relationships in your future.

Relationships do not equate to massive drama.  This girl has tremendous mental health conditions-------  depression, cutting and bulimia.  This is serious stuff and can be life long battles.  They require professional treatment.  She doesn't need to be dating anyone right now and should focus on getting well.  She is still cutting.  So very sad.  You can not have a true relationship with someone with significant mental health issues.  She is not well enough to be dating you.  

You mention her friends hate you.  Her parents don't appreciate the two of you sneaking out at midnight (where she is seeing dead people?)---  no parent would.  At that point, it is a redflag to a parent that this relationship is not safe and those involved aren't making good choices.  By the way, how old is she?

Now you tried cutting once and you are blackmailing her.  

You don't need to ask her questions, in all seriousness, you need to leave her alone to heal.  

Relationships are not suppose to be like this.  The less drama and trauma, the better-------- especially early on. Relationships are to enjoy each others company.  And we date to get to know someone better to see if things should progress to the next level.  You should seek a happy situation.  A healthy person emotionally.

And this is what has me really worried.  Not everyone would stick it out with someone that had such issues and even then go down some unhealthy paths with them.  That you did is my worry.  If you develop a pattern of only being with unhealthy people and having relationships plagued with drama, you will have a lifetime of misery.  This is something serious for you to think about------  and maybe see a therapist (maybe your parents will help you with that) to discuss.  

I wish you luck.  Break ups are very very hard.  They hurt.  I would get a journal and write in it whenever you are really thinking about this.  Read back over it here and there.  It is a great outlet.  And keep yourself busy with things like school or work, friends, exercise and family.  That is your best bet dear.  Peace
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