Is it him or is it me?

[SCFL326]

I have been with my boyfriend for going on 4 years.  Have lived with him for almost 2.  While there is no abuse, fighting, name calling it just doesn't feel like a good relationship. Let me give a little back story.

I moved into his house after helping my mother out for a couple of years.  His house looked like something out of a hoarders episode.  The filth and clutter was so overwhelming that the first day I spent cleaning I ended up with Bronchitis and Pharyngitis from the damp and mold since he did not properly heat the house.  After 2 months we finally made it inhabitible, but not clean by any means.

To this day the majority of my belongings reside in my mother's house.  Unable to bring them over as he has repeatedly moved junk back into the area I have cleaned to make room.  He piles dishes for a week at a time, not even having the decency to scrape them into the garbage.  I usually don't even eat at the house because the ordeal of cleaning dishes just to be able to get to the kitchen is just too much.

Now, I am bipolar and unmedicated.  I find that I'm more situation stimulated.  I do just fine until all the bad things keep piling on.  

We have 4 cats and a dog between us.  Anything to do with cleaning them or picking up after them is done by me as he will leave vomit, feces (when the dog was a puppy) laying in the floor for days if I'd let him.

Anytime I have begged him to pick up after himself he blames me for the messes and tells me that I should do more around the house.  I have picked up after him numerous times and I don't even get so much as a thank you from him.

I don't buy a lot of the groceries for the house because everything I have every bought is either not good enough or he just turns his nose up at it.  We take my vehicle everywhere we go together because his is so filthy I would stick to the seat.  He refuses to clean it or chip in on gas.  My vehicle gets 14 mpg mind you.

He has never said I love you and never said he was sorry for anything that he has done wrong.  He once told me that you don't have to apologize if you didn't do it on purpose???

I am in no way perfect.  I have a temper and can be moody, but I don't argue or fight.  I just go do my own thing.  I took a lesser paying job last year because the last one was so stressful he never wanted to even hear about my day.  Of course, he rarely asks anyway.

I'm thinking about packing up what little I have, including the pets and trucking back over to Mom's.  I feel like this relationship has no hope.  I don't think I even love him anymore.

Am I being a picky jerk or is this really a deal breaker?

[Londres70]

Sounds like this bf has some serious issues to address and I would be leaving and let him sort his own situation out living alone.  Plus, you have your own serious issues to deal with and this environment wouldn't be helping you in any manner.  

You are doing too much and have done too much to try to live in this manner.    

This is just not a good mix.  

Go back to your mom's dear and take care of you.  

[shell921]

You are seeing the light now! GOOD! Yes he doesn't mind hurting you and he doesn't RESPECT you. You can still love him - but love him from afar. In you place I would leave asap and tell him you love and care about him but you can't live that way anymore and if and when he can clean up his act and show you the respect you deserve you can perhaps be together again. But right now you must take care of YOU. This could be the wake up call he needs. You could actually be helping him by leaving. Good luck and keep us posted.

[SCFL326]

You are absolutely right.  I don't invite my friends over.  I often have people meet me somewhere or at my mother's house.  I am embarrassed to face my neighbors most the time because the yard is just as unkept.  I find myself spending an hour at a time picking up garbage he has just sat outside the door and the dog has gotten into while I'm away.

I have always taken great pride in my homes.  No one besides my Mom and one other friend has been in the house in over a year.  I actually teared up when the friend walked in and apologized that she had to see it.  

I think what hangs me up is I don't want to hurt him.  What I fail to realize is he doesn't mind hurting me.

[shell921]

Holy cow of course this relationship doesn't feel good. That feeling is your inner voice telling you to leave--so listen! A hoarder experiences a great amount of anxiety when faced with the decision to throw something away. They are usually very sentimental persons, and like to keep everything to hold on the memory. Persons who are slobs are just plain lazy and can't be bothered to clean up or throw anything out. Although I think that a lot of hoarders are slobs in some ways as well. If you watch the show "Hoarders" you will very often see that in their life history they have lost someone very important to them, and it caused a lot of lingering emotional trauma.

E-gads woman-!!-- I can't imagine how you can possibly live there. To me what you are doing is is not really living. I feel a person's home is a reflection of who they are. I want to feel safe and comfortable in my home and a CLEAN & tidy home is essential to my mental well being.I say you need to leave. he doesn't listen to you or care about your feelings so where is his respect for you? And how can you or anyone respect a slob? To me respect and trust are the key ingredients in any relationship--friendship or a love relationship. So I don't know how you can say he'd make a decent friend. I am not friends with people who do not care for their homes and themselves. Self-love is always the limiting factor in loving others. If you love yourself and care for yourself you will be a good friend to others. If you don't take care of yourself and your HOME you will not be a good friend to others. He is not your friend dear! Run for your life and get away asap!

[SCFL326]

The one thing we do have in our relationship is laughter.  We always joke around and play games like "slug bug" or use the pets to pick at each other.  More like a buddy of mine than a boyfriend.

[SCFL326]

You are right.  That has severly affected our physical relationship.  To the point that there really isn't one.

[TTinKKerBBell]

and You love Him why ? ? ? ?  -  did I miss something ? ?

You have been shown what it's like to live with Him.  What else do You need to see?  This is beyond untidy and if it hasn't improved  in 2 years then it's not going to.

It's not just a dirty house You speak of here but His personal hygiene!!  That would be a deal breaker for me as concerns intimacy.

[SCFL326]

Thank you for your take on this.  I sometimes try to talk about this with my friends and my mother.  Unfortunately, all of them have been so "wounded" by men in the past that their takes are usual bitter.

I'm not a victim and I know that he is not trying to hurt me.  I often say, "he just doesn't think" and I truly believe that is the case.

He will be 39 in May, he has spent most of his free time with his family and has very few real friends to call upon or hang out with.  He works a swing shift of 12 hr days and gets 3 - 5 days off in a row every week.  

I just don't want to fight about it.  I did that in a relationship once.  I don't like cofrontation.  I really don't think a dirty house argument is really the hill I want to die on.  

I wonder if I should give it 1 last shot and when the second anniversary comes on Memorial Day Weekend I need to take a hard look at myself and what I want out of life?

[kendalmintcake]

Hi, it takes a lot of courage to write all that - good for you for opening up to the forum.  I want to say, firstly, it is not you.  When someone else reads something like this it seems so obvious it is not you - but boy isn't it easy to be in a situation like this and wonder about yourself.  It is not you, no way.

What you need to be reminded of, as well as me and pretty much everyone else seeking help in dysfunctional relationships is that you need to take care of yourself first (part of the reason I write responses, to also remind me of things I need to do).  So please stop wondering this question 'is it him or is it me' - that is not going to help.

I don't really want to say you got to do this or that, especially since this post is a snapshot and although fairly detailed, we know that it is not enough to conclusively say, take my advice (well at least that's my position).

What I can say however, is that my aunt lives with a hoarder.  He neglects her and everybody around him.  He has plenty of money because he never spends any.  Despite being secure financially, my aunt suffers incredibly, shes is tired of it but cannot leave.  He has imprisoned her.  To everyone around her, it is so obvious that his neglect for tidiness and compulsion to collect extends beyond physical into his relationship with my aunt.  We all see that she is just one of her belongings that he refuses to a.  Let go of, and b.  Treat with dignity.  It is so heartbreaking to see her as one of his collectibles.  Perhaps one day she'll muster the courage to leave, find her dignity and treat herself with the kindness she deserves.  She calls our family looking for help and although we tell her the blunt truth, only she can do what is right.

I hope that helps you gather some strength.  I think that you un-medicated bi-polar condition should become something you put at the forefront of your agenda.  I recently decided to treat my depression and can't believe the results.  I look back at more than 10 years of depression and wish I'd have recognized then that I needed professional help.  Regardless, being happy and feeling like a normal person is something you forget and upon coming back to normalcy feels like a gift.

I hope that helps ;)

[SCFL326]

He was raised in a family that you never talked about your feelings.  I think he does suffer from depression.  He talks about how his Mom spent the majority of his childhood asleep on the couch when she wasn't working.  His parents take separate vacations and his Dad is very inconsiderate himself.

I have noticed that lately his hygeine has gotten worse and I find myself washing the sheets more often and wiping down his leather recliner because the body oil smell is just too much.

I've tried to tell him how it affects me in the past and he might take the time to pick up a half of bag of garbage, only to leave the bag laying around for the animals to play in.

I feel like I'm more of a boarder than a gf.  I pay him $500 a month for 1/2 the bed, 1 cushion on the couch and 1/2 the side of a spare room to put my clothes in.  

He's not a bad person.  He would make a decent friend, he's just really bad at being a partner.

[Kayannaboo]

We all have our flaws and so you having a temper or being moody while it can be frustrating, in my mind doesn't make you a "picky jerk". Your boyfriend is dirty -___- plain and simple. The house sounds like a battle field. He needs to do better, you are not his mother. Relationships are often based on compromise and he is no good at it. The chores should be done thoroughly and by both of you. Based on your description of the conditions of the house, I am surprised you held out that long.

Bipolar patients are alot more sensitive than others. Everything around and in the environment affects them. That definitely includes the cleanliness or lack thereof of the surroundings. I would suggest that you let your boyfriend know that you cannot live like this and that unless he provides a better living condition, you will be staying away from the house.

Also I must ask, do you know your boyfriend's mental condition? Is he bipolar? Does he have anxiety/depression issues? I ask because in addition to the deplorable conditions he is able to live in without seeming to even mind, his personality doesn't seem that great for someone who has been in a relationship for 4 years. Perhaps he simply should not be living with anyone right at this moment. He may have some problems that needs to be rectified in order for him to do so.

If you are unhappy and feel as though it is not going to get better anytime soon, do not make yourself become depressed. If you feel as though you want to help him or if you see him making progress and wish to stay with him, then move out for awhile and see what happens.

Take care!

Anna