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My Wife of 10 Years is in love with her childhood friend in her native country.
I met my wife in Iran nearly 10 years ago and over the years we had our problems but I thought we were generally happy. Three months ago I came home early and caught my wife talking to strange man over a video conference call on skype. Overall it seemed innocent however a few other times I overheard him saying things like "I love your smile." or "Beautiful eyes" which to me set off red flags.
I become increasingly paranoid and started snooping in her phone more often and found that she had another account she created which was more personal. "I your always my love" and " I love you" were communicated between them multiple times. When I comforted her she said he is just a friend and denial. Then I kept finding them talking and although she denied we had many intense fights. She nearly left once with the kids and no belongings because she said she felt offended by my suspicion.
She said she will cease all communication and that I was being overly sensitive. After over a month of no signs of communication. Today I found a long chain of chat messages where she confessed to this other guy saying she is unhappy for 10 years and he is his only love. When she closes her eyes she sees him... The other man is also married with children and in his texts he wants to stop but my wife keeps calling and persisting.
I don't know what to do. We have two children and if we separate she will likely flee to her country or worse. In our culture something like this is uncommon and the embarrassment might drive her to drastic measures like suicide. If we separate I know it will hurt the children most of all because she will either take them with her or she will leave them behind.
I am desperate and don't know what to do.
I become increasingly paranoid and started snooping in her phone more often and found that she had another account she created which was more personal. "I your always my love" and " I love you" were communicated between them multiple times. When I comforted her she said he is just a friend and denial. Then I kept finding them talking and although she denied we had many intense fights. She nearly left once with the kids and no belongings because she said she felt offended by my suspicion.
She said she will cease all communication and that I was being overly sensitive. After over a month of no signs of communication. Today I found a long chain of chat messages where she confessed to this other guy saying she is unhappy for 10 years and he is his only love. When she closes her eyes she sees him... The other man is also married with children and in his texts he wants to stop but my wife keeps calling and persisting.
I don't know what to do. We have two children and if we separate she will likely flee to her country or worse. In our culture something like this is uncommon and the embarrassment might drive her to drastic measures like suicide. If we separate I know it will hurt the children most of all because she will either take them with her or she will leave them behind.
I am desperate and don't know what to do.
Thank you for all the support here and advice.
Over the weekend my wife and I had another discussion. I cannot hide my distant and sadness which she noticed. When she kept pushing me to tell her what is wrong I eventually told her everything. I had admitted to her that looked at her phone and saw inappropriate discussions recently. I couldn't control myself as this other guy had been asking for her to send him her pictures and said "I wish I was in your bedroom." He is in the other side of the world, but four months ago she visited Iran to visit her family. The possibility of sexual encounter has crossed my mind a few times.
To me this seems like a tug of war between emotions or whatever it is. Sometimes he is distant, sometimes she is. I forgot to mention the other guy is married with two kids as well. So that may be the source of hesitation as neither wants to ruin the other one's life. Divorce is a very taboo subject there.
Anyways during our discussion she admitted that this other guy was a close childhood friend for as long as she could remember. He loved her and had at many times asked her father to marry her. The tradition there is very different, there is little to no dating and no physical conduct before marriage. She wouldn't tell my why they never married but she insists she never looked at him in that way and the fact that she was a virgin when we were married shows they never that kind of relationship. She admitted openly she loves this man and he is very important to her but only as a friend and insists that the fact she didn't marry him then and chose to marry me that should be enough of proof.
After our marriage, this other man had taken on drinking (uncommon there) and was depressed and devastated that she married me. He had waited nearly five years after to marry. My wife let it slip that he isn't happily married and doesn't love his wife.
It seems recent marital problems and the harsh words we had said to each other (which were unwarranted which neither of us meant) during such fights had pushed her to confide in him.
I don't know if they had talked before or during her trip to her native country. She says she doesn't have any friends here and feels alone. She insists he is just a friend and didn't realize they were being inappropriate. She said she cannot give up her friendship but will tell him to stop inappropriate discussions.
I am torn. I don't know what to do. One part of me wants to give this relationship and become the man she married rather than the people we became as we drifted over the years and try to win her back. The other part... wants to harden myself and become roommates living a sexless and emotionless life until my kids grow up.
I really want to believe her and believe that I had been mistaken. I only had relationship of love with my wife and I love her deeply. I have never been a very emotional or passionate which has hurt my marriage over the years. I feel I am to blame for this situation and that maybe I can change things.
Over the weekend my wife and I had another discussion. I cannot hide my distant and sadness which she noticed. When she kept pushing me to tell her what is wrong I eventually told her everything. I had admitted to her that looked at her phone and saw inappropriate discussions recently. I couldn't control myself as this other guy had been asking for her to send him her pictures and said "I wish I was in your bedroom." He is in the other side of the world, but four months ago she visited Iran to visit her family. The possibility of sexual encounter has crossed my mind a few times.
To me this seems like a tug of war between emotions or whatever it is. Sometimes he is distant, sometimes she is. I forgot to mention the other guy is married with two kids as well. So that may be the source of hesitation as neither wants to ruin the other one's life. Divorce is a very taboo subject there.
Anyways during our discussion she admitted that this other guy was a close childhood friend for as long as she could remember. He loved her and had at many times asked her father to marry her. The tradition there is very different, there is little to no dating and no physical conduct before marriage. She wouldn't tell my why they never married but she insists she never looked at him in that way and the fact that she was a virgin when we were married shows they never that kind of relationship. She admitted openly she loves this man and he is very important to her but only as a friend and insists that the fact she didn't marry him then and chose to marry me that should be enough of proof.
After our marriage, this other man had taken on drinking (uncommon there) and was depressed and devastated that she married me. He had waited nearly five years after to marry. My wife let it slip that he isn't happily married and doesn't love his wife.
It seems recent marital problems and the harsh words we had said to each other (which were unwarranted which neither of us meant) during such fights had pushed her to confide in him.
I don't know if they had talked before or during her trip to her native country. She says she doesn't have any friends here and feels alone. She insists he is just a friend and didn't realize they were being inappropriate. She said she cannot give up her friendship but will tell him to stop inappropriate discussions.
I am torn. I don't know what to do. One part of me wants to give this relationship and become the man she married rather than the people we became as we drifted over the years and try to win her back. The other part... wants to harden myself and become roommates living a sexless and emotionless life until my kids grow up.
I really want to believe her and believe that I had been mistaken. I only had relationship of love with my wife and I love her deeply. I have never been a very emotional or passionate which has hurt my marriage over the years. I feel I am to blame for this situation and that maybe I can change things.
I, also, think this is more about your wife having fantasies than a personal attack. She is projecting unrealistic images onto some guy she used to know. It's not reality. Naturally it seems offensive and tragic if you get into feeling sorry for yourself and think about her casting someone else as her true love. But what it is not, is a threat -- *he* doesn't think he is her true love, and frankly she probably knows she is making this up, herself. What *would* make it a big, big problem in the real world is if you react with hostility. Yell, scream, hit, make pronouncements and it just makes you look small and insecure, like you don't know fantasy from reality either. You doing that would convince her that it is all true, while right now at best, she is just dreaming. Let the poor, harassed other guy deal with her, she will get awakened from her mental image of him soon enough. If you value your kids and your life with them, play it very, very calm. As the previous poster said, you might be able to find a new partner in the future, but right now you are much better off staying with the status quo in a holding pattern.
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, but i can say this with some authority, losing your kids from being in your life, would be so much worse than you making yourself hardened , so that this fantasy of your wife's will not hurt so much, while you continue to raise your kids. I agree with the others that this fantasy will peter out, and if you are showing yourself to be the best parent you can be, that she may learn to regret her actions and be truly sorry. If she cannot get there, if her character is not strong enough, all the more reason for your kids to have one parent they can rely upon for good form.
Your kids will not be at home forever. I f you keep them with you, then chances are they will settle near you with their own families. The long run, has to be your PRIORITY now. I know it won't be easy, but if you think that it might send your wife into taking off with the kids, for you to sleep in another room, i wouldn't chance it. I would do what it took to stay of good cheer around your family so that you stay together until your kids are out of risk of being moved to another country. It' s unfortunate but it happens in marriages, where couples end up more like roommates while raising their kids. It is not your choice, but i realize this may well affect whether you can love her the same way you did before finding out that her heart is not pure. I just want you to know, YOUR KIDS are worth it. They desperately need you in their lives. Make these years about them. The best is yet to come. You will have love, you may just have to wait until your wife grows up emotionally, because she is not acting in a mature way right now. She may grow out of it, or after the kids are grown, you can move on and find true love. It won't be too late for you.
It might help you to talk to a personal therapist to help you to keep yourself and your priorities in line for yourself. Maybe even a female therapist, so that you have a connection with a women that is not tainted. It might be helpful for you to have nurturing by a female, as your wife is not equipped to do so at this time.
You're in my prayers and in my thoughts, This has really struck a chord with me, I pray that you can learn to let your wife's silliness really, take a backseat in your life so that you are assured that your kids can grow up with you in their lives. Please, let us know how you are. I really think a female therapist can help you to cope through this mistrust.
Your kids will not be at home forever. I f you keep them with you, then chances are they will settle near you with their own families. The long run, has to be your PRIORITY now. I know it won't be easy, but if you think that it might send your wife into taking off with the kids, for you to sleep in another room, i wouldn't chance it. I would do what it took to stay of good cheer around your family so that you stay together until your kids are out of risk of being moved to another country. It' s unfortunate but it happens in marriages, where couples end up more like roommates while raising their kids. It is not your choice, but i realize this may well affect whether you can love her the same way you did before finding out that her heart is not pure. I just want you to know, YOUR KIDS are worth it. They desperately need you in their lives. Make these years about them. The best is yet to come. You will have love, you may just have to wait until your wife grows up emotionally, because she is not acting in a mature way right now. She may grow out of it, or after the kids are grown, you can move on and find true love. It won't be too late for you.
It might help you to talk to a personal therapist to help you to keep yourself and your priorities in line for yourself. Maybe even a female therapist, so that you have a connection with a women that is not tainted. It might be helpful for you to have nurturing by a female, as your wife is not equipped to do so at this time.
You're in my prayers and in my thoughts, This has really struck a chord with me, I pray that you can learn to let your wife's silliness really, take a backseat in your life so that you are assured that your kids can grow up with you in their lives. Please, let us know how you are. I really think a female therapist can help you to cope through this mistrust.
It does not sound to me like making a grand pronouncement that you do not trust her is necessary. You have already repeatedly snooped through her phone, of course you don't trust her and she knows this.
You have to be pragmatic, here. Do you want your children or do you not? Your wife is not getting away with anything -- she is rather unsuccessfully pursuing a crush (and not meeting with the guy) and he is trying to hint to her that she should leave him alone. Sooner or later it is going to dawn on her that she has built a fantasy figure and it is not going anywhere. But you would do a lot better NOT to be the person that says this to her. If you want her to stay (and especially, not to take the kids) all you have to do is let time do its work and sooner or later she will realize she was being kind of stupid.
You sound like you are big on confronting her, what good will it do? All it will do is perhaps make you feel better for about one minute, but it will certainly threaten your stability with your children.
Imagine she is your roommate, be civil and not sulky, and enjoy your kids. Hate to say this, but you will be more interesting to her if you focus on the children and look like the world's best dad.
Also, even if she stays, you may never get the fantasized-about moment where she says she is sorry. You've been hard enough on her already -- "I've confronted her about this" and so on -- that by now she's probably pretty fed up. You seem to think you can argue her into not feeling how she feels. But she feels how she feels.
I'm sorry that this leaves you in a situation with more or less a roommate, and perhaps you will not want this in the end, but if you value your children you should try it on for a while.
And for your own dignity, stop snooping through her phones and spying. Assume she will try to keep the fantasy crush going and pretty soon it will implode, and she will have some down times, and you do not need to help them be worse.
I'm sorry.
You have to be pragmatic, here. Do you want your children or do you not? Your wife is not getting away with anything -- she is rather unsuccessfully pursuing a crush (and not meeting with the guy) and he is trying to hint to her that she should leave him alone. Sooner or later it is going to dawn on her that she has built a fantasy figure and it is not going anywhere. But you would do a lot better NOT to be the person that says this to her. If you want her to stay (and especially, not to take the kids) all you have to do is let time do its work and sooner or later she will realize she was being kind of stupid.
You sound like you are big on confronting her, what good will it do? All it will do is perhaps make you feel better for about one minute, but it will certainly threaten your stability with your children.
Imagine she is your roommate, be civil and not sulky, and enjoy your kids. Hate to say this, but you will be more interesting to her if you focus on the children and look like the world's best dad.
Also, even if she stays, you may never get the fantasized-about moment where she says she is sorry. You've been hard enough on her already -- "I've confronted her about this" and so on -- that by now she's probably pretty fed up. You seem to think you can argue her into not feeling how she feels. But she feels how she feels.
I'm sorry that this leaves you in a situation with more or less a roommate, and perhaps you will not want this in the end, but if you value your children you should try it on for a while.
And for your own dignity, stop snooping through her phones and spying. Assume she will try to keep the fantasy crush going and pretty soon it will implode, and she will have some down times, and you do not need to help them be worse.
I'm sorry.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Gosh, I'm so very sorry to hear this. What a predicament and how painful! I'm truthfully unsure of the answer. As it sounds like separation/divorce is not an option--- you are very limited in what you can do. I would allow your wife to go on if you can't leave her for fear of the children or what your wife might do. I would be pleasant in the home. You basically know the truth. AND, the other man will eventually get through to her that he does not want to carry on.
I know this is terrible to even suggest living like that. But if you can't leave, I'm not sure what else you can do. Protect yourself emotionally, think of her as the mother of your children rather than your wife and protect your feelings as best you can.
Again, very sorry. I hope you get more opinions as I'm a bit at a loss with this. I understand that it isn't worth the risk to your kids to confront her and cause a drastic shake up of your marriage. good luck and keep in touch with us
I know this is terrible to even suggest living like that. But if you can't leave, I'm not sure what else you can do. Protect yourself emotionally, think of her as the mother of your children rather than your wife and protect your feelings as best you can.
Again, very sorry. I hope you get more opinions as I'm a bit at a loss with this. I understand that it isn't worth the risk to your kids to confront her and cause a drastic shake up of your marriage. good luck and keep in touch with us
Keep calm and be honest about your feelings. She may not be able to resist an opportunity to have a more passionate and emotionally available partner.. It might be her greatest wish in life to have you and her start anew. You won't know until you talk to her. Hold us in your heart , we'll be thinking of you.
Thank you for your advice, I'd like to expand on the situation.
I had confronted her a few times when I first found out two months ago. We had a few large fights but she said he was just a friend and she would cut off the relationship. How can it be friendship if they text each other at odd ours of the night or when she finds an excuse to leave the house so she can have video chat...
Then she opened another account behind my back and I found out and we had yet another confrontation.
Then just recently I saw on her phone that she has another account that she opened right after. The chats were a bit more personal and emotional "I can't stop thinking about you" or "I love you and always have". I have not confronted her about this because I know her pattern, she will just open another account and be more careful. Or worse, she may take the kids and leave.
At this point I feel very insecure and emotionally/spiritually drained. Worse yet... my current employment situation (they are relocating to another state) requires me to start working from the home next month.
Should I tell her that I no longer trust her and until I regain that trust we should separate but live under the same roof just for the sake of the kids?
I had confronted her a few times when I first found out two months ago. We had a few large fights but she said he was just a friend and she would cut off the relationship. How can it be friendship if they text each other at odd ours of the night or when she finds an excuse to leave the house so she can have video chat...
Then she opened another account behind my back and I found out and we had yet another confrontation.
Then just recently I saw on her phone that she has another account that she opened right after. The chats were a bit more personal and emotional "I can't stop thinking about you" or "I love you and always have". I have not confronted her about this because I know her pattern, she will just open another account and be more careful. Or worse, she may take the kids and leave.
At this point I feel very insecure and emotionally/spiritually drained. Worse yet... my current employment situation (they are relocating to another state) requires me to start working from the home next month.
Should I tell her that I no longer trust her and until I regain that trust we should separate but live under the same roof just for the sake of the kids?
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