My adult son hates me!

[mlou440]

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou

[Hopefully12]

Is there any solution to this problem...i know all about having made a lot of mistakes like being over protecting ..trying to provide because the father was absent etc etc what is the sokution if there is any

[Landing1]

I am glad I found this website.   My relationship with my son has been a roller coaster since he graduated from high school.   He blames his father and I for everything that didnt work out for him.   He feels that his father didnt show him enough love and support and I was overbearing and smothered him, did too much for him and caused his anger issues.   He had a baby while he was in college and we did everything in the world to help him.   He resents how close his daughter and I are.   He is so angry at the ex-girlfriend (babys mom) for everything.   He never lets the past stay in the past.  He is just as angry today as he was 8 years ago.   He has told me in the past that he is very lucky that he had me to help him thru really bad times in his life.   He has acknowledged that he took his anger out on me because he knew I would always love him no matter what.  He has acknowledged to my daughter that he has been horrible to me and regrets it.   You would think with this insight he would not still treat me like he does.   He acts like I am such a bother and burden.   If I call him because Im trying to make plans for something, he acts like he cant stand to speak to me.   When we are together in a group of people he acts like I turn his stomach.   Like he cant stand the sight of me.   I have learned that the harder I try, the more annoyed with me he gets.   I know Im all over the place with this.   But back a few years ago when he was having a hard time and so angry after he blew up and cussed me out and had a fit about something, at least there was times when I could see my little boy in there.   Now, things have settled for him.  Things are good with his work, with new relationship, his daughter is awesome, you would think he would not still show so much resentment toward me.   It hurts more than anything I could ever imagine, the looks or the comments he gives me.  He just doesnt like me at all.   I have probably ruined my health somewhat.   I am an emotional wreck.  I worry about everything.   A bottle of wine helps me forget how sorry I feel for myself and how much I love and miss my only son.   Now, having said all this and after reading other mom's struggles and comments, I know Ive got to start living my life for me and distance myself.    I'm not going to have the relationship that I want.   Ive got to let him set the boundaries and learn to live within them.

[Lakarma]

I really feel for you.  I am glad I read your message as I can see so many traits of my own son and our relationship . Keep strong .

[ThereUare2]

I'm really glad I stumbled upon this website, your stories are very much the same.  I was a young mother,his father was abusive. I left him when my son was only five. Now my son is resentful after rekindling his relationship with his father 30 years later.
I was always very close with my son. My daughter-in-law is a little bit iffy she totally turned against me and started exposing herself to my boyfriend... I had to  back away and protect my son from this activity, I immediately ended my relationship with a boyfriend and tried to talk to my daughter in law. she lied to my son and now he hates me.   I haven't been able to see my grandchildren for 5 years. Like these other persons telling their story; the pain is unbearable, I have done myself work for Mind Body Spirit and I feel good about myself and my life.
I have a few supportive friends but they have their own lives.
I am by myself for the holidays I continue to send loving messages and pictures to my son, no response.
So I say enough is enough I remove myself from this pain and go on with my life, and forget that I have a family and maybe someday my granddaughter will contact me.
At times over the years, I felt I have no purpose for life, now I give myself permission to cry... I love me for taking the high road.
My son has become the abusive jerk like his dad.

[RockRose]

In the last several years, is there anyone at all that he has a close,  loving relationship with?

[RockRose]

Savvyae,  what does he say?  It seems like he must have said something to indicate what is making him unhappy with you.  Whether it's valid or even happened is one thing - but it seems like he must have indicated what makes him distant from you?

[Savvyae]

He has nothing specific to say just once he said he could never share his feelings with me- but i sat with him every evening as soon as I came back from work to ask him about his day and he always said - nothing happened- says we were always angry with him , which is not the case at all, he is was and is very laid back , won't lift a finger to help out with any chores, won't clear up after himself, and when he was younger we did tell him stuff like - set the table or get the washing in or put his clothes in the laundry bin, make his bed etc and insisted he did, we don't even do that anymore. There has never been at physical disciplining beyond "go to your room"
He was easy to dea with - woke up on his own, had breakfast and got dropped off at school by his dad and picked up and brought back by me after school and I would go back to work, then our housekeeper fixed his snack and he spent hours on his computer games and play station , till we got home, he was never nagged to study, which he rarely did, we never had to make him do his homework , he did it on his own- he got good grades at school, was headboy in senior school, is polite to everyone, but simply hates us, gets along better with his dad than me but is extremely Rude and disrespectful to the both of us, swears, yells, just finds everything I do wrong, mocks, ridicules, tells me what I should do instead . even now, al he does when he gets back home is play his computer games every evening , every weekend .  And I try to go and speak to him , or try and do things together - but he just does not engage- either is rude or says something nasty . But when he speaks he has so much hatred , my husband has given up on him ever being normal with us . But I still keep trying as he is my only child and I can't stop loving him or caring for him, even though it's hard to like him anymore

[Boulder15]

I'm glad I stumbled into this community and appreciate everyone's sincerity and honesty.  I'm 67, mother of a 32 year old son. We are on very rocky ground,  especially since Christmas, and particularly since late Mother's Day.  We communicate rarely and briefly now. I'm a retired lawyer, raised him alone and he has an alcoholic, angry father with whom he gets along well and spent regular time with always. He has a graduate degree and a great job with a tech company.
Our relationship was extremely fraught from 8th grade straight through until after his graduate degree:  almost no time hanging out together, communicating rarely after he went away for college, horribly frosty or harsh 'visits' for Christmas. BTW I've apologized profusely for the unspecified-by-him  whatever he doesn't like about me or what I've done or not done.
We have never had classic fights or raised our voices other than briefly a couple of times. He walks away or refuses to listen or 'engage' if I brought something up or whined about how he treated me, by email or in person. Nothing seemed amiss between us to others. He got mad at me often, sneered, was critical, passive aggressive, lied, about money mostly, while I was paying for college. He moved from L.A. grad school to his San Francisco job, and suddenly we had 4 years of nice times, us visiting each other, going  out to dinners, hikes, bike rides, and he called often.
The 2015 Christmas visit, bringing his new and first true-love, was yucky for me; I hardly saw them, he was critical, judgmental and rude outside of her presence. Our calls and emails almost vanished, and were fakey.  He abruptly invited me out for Mother's Day to their new apartment. With some pleasant times, it was often unpleasant. They left me alone a lot, like suddenly at 6 p.m. saying they were 'going out' for the night, and like girlfriend spending hours in their bedroom, door closed. By Sunday night I realized the accumulated awfulness as we all faked niceness. When he drove me to the airport Monday we had a brief, hostile conversation after I said I felt he was in a tough spot because his mom and the love of his life still hadn't had a conversation after 3 weekends around each other, and that I wouldn't be coming back for awhile til they got more used to their life together, or something.... He said a list of harsh things about me, which he hadn't done before.
Do I sound self-pitying and exaggerating things?  I'll see them at a family wedding in several weeks. What do I do now?

[Savvyae]

Same boat.. I have retraced the past 20 years and looked and relooked at it critically - to see where I went wrong in my parenting for my son to hate everything I am. As a Working mother I  worked very hard in juggling my work and home and what kept me going was that when he grew up he would be my friend and appreciate my sacrifices. Instead he simply cannot stand me and blames me for everything. The irony is he had and has privileged life - private schools, university education - engineering degree, 4 years of tuition and one bed flat paid for by me, holidays 3-4 times a year and now works in the business my husband and I set up from scratch, drives our car and lives with us but hates me and hates us . What did we do wrong? Why dont we have a loving kind and affectionate son?