Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

My adult son hates me!

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou
278 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
When I was a young teen I made some mistakes. My family has never let me forget, I'm 55 now have 2 grown childern and 3 grandchildren. My kids grew up listening to their grandparents aunt, my aunts and uncles remind me what a terrible person I am. My daughter and I have a great relationship. My son has stolen from me and his mom, lied about me abusing him, blamed me for all of his problems. His girlfriend and mother of his 2 kids (2 of my 3 grandkids, the other is my daughters) recently died. While she was alive it was getting a little better. Now he blames me for her dying won't let me or his mom around his kids. He blames me for his girlfriend dying. Says I'm not fit to see his kids. Yet he always wants money to help with daycare. He cannot manage money, has been to prison admitted to the cops he robbed the store, then blamed me when his lawyer couldn't get him off. I'm sick to my stomach most of b the time, I think about giving up a lot. I'm tired of being the bad guy, tired of being blamed, tired of having my reputation ruined. I want him to be respectful and stop lying. I would love to have a good b relationship with him even though I really don't think it will ever happen.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
@Badger131:  You are NOT the "bad guy!" so next time, instead of saying "I am tired of being the bad guy," tell yourself "I am tired of him MAKING me out to be a bad guy."  Because it's not what YOU'RE doing, it's what he's doing.  Give yourself a break, god knows you deserve one, as we all do on this webpage.
Avatar universal
I know you posted this a while ago, --- is it still happening? I am having the exact same problem.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I just want to say how sorry i am that you have been through all this abuse.  You don't deserve it.  I think you son got messed up from watching his father treat you so badly.  Who knows maybe he disrespects you because you took the abuse, but i understand the fear.  You know we do the best we can at the time.  I hear that in you.  We have to forgive ourselves and ask God to forgive us.  And believe His Word that He does.  My son has put me through a lot.  I think he hates me too.  I think he even destroys his own life to get to me.  It is crazy.  But I can't live like that any more.  I am getting support at my church group.  And i do go to a cournselor every couple months.  But it is expensive.  I guess we can't look to our children to give us our value.  Our value comes from God.  I have been reading some Max Lucado books, very good author.  Maybe get some at the library.  So helpful.  I will say a prayer for you.  If i can help let me know.  I too have been through a lot.  Trusting Christ is my saving grace.  But I still worry at times.  But am praying and getting prayer from my church family.  I hope you have a good church to go to.  We need support.  I feel badly for you.  I am glad you are not with your abusive husband anymore.  Don't give up.  God has a plan.  Seek Him.
Helpful - 0
4 Comments
I need to join this group
I need to join this group
All of your stories are similar to mine. I raised two children alone,without any help or support.I sacrificed,worked 3 jobs,and did everything to give them a happy, consistent childhood. I put them through college while living in a tent,so they could live comfortably. I love them fiercely and would do anything for them,although I seldom get thanks,or acknowledgement. My son will not call,or respond to any communication from me, but he remains in contact with family members who have been very abusive to me. He has made it clear that I am nothing to him. My health has suffered from working so hard for so many years. He considers me weak and pathetic. He has earned a lot of$, because of the start I gave him, but he claims to be a self made man. It hurts me so deeply that I cannot sleep,eat,or even breathe at times. I  recently realized that he is a true NARCISSIST, something you all should read about. He is incapable of empathy,remorse,and cares only about himself,and the attention/admiration he gets from others. He was so cruel when I asked him to join me for my 60th birthday, claiming I was pressuring him, and he has no time for such "frivolous" activities. I have had to accept that he will NEVER change. His world is only about him,and I am to blame for everything that goes wrong in his life. I could go on, but most of your stories are things I have experienced as well. I lived for my children for so many years that I don't know how to live without them. Losing a child is the worst thing to happen to a parent.when a child removes you from his life,it hurts even more,as you always carry hope, guilt, questions,and know that they are out living their life, but don't want you to be a part of it. That pain is unbearable, knowing that the person you gave life to, and loved forever has no feelings for you at all,and you have no happy memories beyond childhood to hold on to.somehow it helps to know I am not alone. I appreciate all of you who share your pain. It seems that those of us who gave the most,loved the deepest,and worked the hardest are the ones who suffer the most.
Ignore ignore ignore cut off completely it's the only way to have a happy life it's NOT your fault
Avatar universal
I'm so lost as why my sons have disconnected.  I'm going to let go.  I can't stand it...we used to be close and now they treat me like crap.  Glad to know I'm not alone.
Helpful - 0
4 Comments
I dont know and understand this im going through the same...
Im also going through it. Ive let go, but it hurts. My heart is breaking. He also treats his crazy, controlling 18 year old girl friend horribly. Ive had to step away. They are pregnant, no job, he got fired from the family business and are beginning kicked out of her father's home.
My son is an awful human being he just turned 18 Saturday and I can't wait for him to leave he's so very very cruel to me and it constantly breaks my heart. He's been that way to his father who just sent him back to me. It's like he'll try to be good at first but he's just not capable of kindness or empathy long term. So he needs to go, he's adult now, he definitely doesn't want to and tries to put every blame on me, I can't wait to be released. I'm in hell and long for peace.
Good for you Riley!
Avatar universal
I am a new member, and went looking tonight on the net under search terms "Why does my son hate me?" and found this group.  

First I want to say "Thank You" to all of you for being brave enough to share your stories.  It has given me hope just knowing I'm not alone.

Second, in reading over these posts, I begin to see some common "themes" in cases where sons (who I always heard, when he was born, would always love and be there for their moms) end up hating their mothers.

One common theme seems to be turmoil while growing up--mostly from disrupted or abusive marriages, or the presence of drug / alcohol abuse, or severe financial hardship.

Another common theme seems to be the mother neglecting her sons to give more attention to her husband / boyfriend, her own interests, or her own pleasures.

The last theme I see is that of boys for whom their mothers sacrificed themselves---"I gave him everything";  "I did everything for him<"  "I did all I could for him to be successful"---and young men who respond to that sacrifice with contempt, which develops into total disrespect.  Coupled with the self-sacrifice are often comments about "we gave him whatever he wanted" and / or "we spoiled him."

I think I fall into the last category, and a little of the second.  

I have three sons, one special-needs, one a struggling learner, and then my very bright, very capable middle son---who spends as little time with us his parents as possible (about 15 minutes a day at suppertime), spends literally every waking moment that he isn't working on his schoolwork (college) on the internet (FB, emails, games, etc.), and hasn't worked since he quit his part-time job at a drugstore in December (a job I helped him get, though my friendship with the pharmacist) because of a "sure-thing" job with a friend's father in computing--a job that never materialized.  He simply sits all day long---in his car driving to school, in his desk at school, or in his chair in his room on that computer.  

I always felt a little sorry for him because of his having an older special-needs brother and the extra strain that put on our family and the extra time it took me away from the other two boys.  My youngest understood, but my second-born never accepted it.  He was always resentful of his older brother's disability, then of the attention he got when it became obvious he was greatly gifted in music.  In about 4th grade, he started cheating in school, not doing homework, having to repeat grades.  I kept trying to coddle him (a word used often here) and "make up" to him for the "hard life" he was having to experience, by trying to make sure I watched for and then supported to the max ANY area in which he showed great interest or ability---so he would feel as "appreciated" and noticed as his older brother.  When he fell in love with Legos, we bought him all the Legos he wanted and encouraged him to build---developing creativity, right?  When he loved Medieval knights, we looking into fencing classes (too expensive) and jobs working at Medieval Times.  When he wanted to try music, we bought him a trumpet, paid for lessons, and I even started a children’s community band so he’d have a group to play in nearby. When he fell in love with acting, we put him in a private fine arts academy where I worked as a janitor to pay part of the tuition (along with his youngest brother, who volunteered to help so I wouldn’t work too hard).  

But his greatest downfall has been computer games.  I curse the day I disobeyed my own rule and ever let him start playing online games---that opened the floodgates to what, today, is full-on addiction to the internet and computer games.  It was somewhat better when he was working--then he didn't have enough time to be on it constantly;  but now as I said that's all he does.

And he blames me--as many of you said your sons do--for every single problem in his life.  It's my fault he's depressed, my fault he has a bad self-image, my fault he can't stand to be around me (yet he can never seem to explain "why" he can't stand to be around me---though I've asked repeatedly and all he ever says is "I've tried to tell you already--what's the use?"--when in truth he has NOT told me at all, though I've begged with tears for him to tell me what I've done wrong so I can ask forgiveness.  So I've had to "guess" what it might be---spending too much time taking care of his special-needs brother?  Being distracted by the turmoil in our home life when his dad got repeatedly laid off (5-6 times in 25 years)?  Being stressed by my own health problems (3 serious surgeries---two on my eyes to prevent blindness) during his childhood / teen years?  Financial stress?  Family stress (we had problems with my husband's family)?  For all of these, and more, that I thought "might" have made him feel I didn't give him enough time and attention, I've asked forgiveness, even though I had no control over any of them and had to deal with the cards I was dealt.  Yet---still, no forgiveness---only bitterness, abuse, and rejection.

Now, he's a young man (20) living in our home.  He will not work (though he does go to college).  We've told him we'll pay for his college in exchange for him paying "rent" in the form of helping out with chores as we ask and being available to help us with our needs, and in showing respect and courtesy (note we didn't even say "love") to us.  But even that, he can't do.  He wants to go and come in our home without any regard for us, our needs, or our schedules. The car he uses is in our name but he (until recently) drove it recklessly and if he has a wreck (and doesn't, God forbid, hurt himself) but hurts someone else, we would be liable--yet he can't afford to have a car in his own name because he has no job. He takes our electricity to run his computer, our internet service we pay for to play his games, our food, our shelter, the clothes we bought him, the bed we gave him to sleep in, the many personal items in his room we gifted to him over the years, the money for his college tuition, his cell phone, and a car he drives to school but which will be "his" car once he graduates--he takes all this with no complaint (but also no thanks) from us----but then has a fit if we ask him to do anything;  spews out hateful talk, today he told me "screw you", won't spend time with us but is in his room like a hermit all the time, won't even talk to or even LOOK at us, and speaks to us in the most hard, cruel, evil, hate-filled voice I've ever heard.

I see now the truth of TWO things my mother used to tell me:

1.  The more you give a child, the less they will appreciate you.
2.  The worst thing you can do for a child is feel sorry for them.

I've done both--and I'm reaping the results of what I've sown.

Is there anything I can do now?

I feel like I've lost power over him.  If I say, "My house, My rules", I'm scared of what will happen.  Will he just argue but keep on doing as he pleases, as he is now?  Will he leave and go live with his friends, where I will have no chance of influencing him at all?  If I ignore things, they'll only get worse--and this isn't helping him learn responsibility---or ANY sense of appreciation and gratitude toward us or toward God for what he's been GIVEN. If I stop paying for things, I fear he'll take on mounds of college debt--the current slavery most kids are foolishly taking on, and like them will be a slave to that all his life. I'm trying to help him launch, not hold him back--but trying to teach him to be respectful of us while he's doing so (he is VERY respectful to others--it's just US he fights obeying and spews hatefulness when we insist on it) .  It's like he's very spoiled, and wants to have his cake and eat it too---be independent while being dependent on us.
Thanks for any advice, for sharing your stories, and for letting me share my own.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
CALL a church pastor.  Tell him you are a victim of "elder abuse." (and that IS what this is).  Ask him to help you locate the proper authorities, or to put you in touch with a lawyer at his church.  They can help put you in touch with the right people.  Please do so.  Your life is in danger.
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.