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Avatar universal

My adult son hates me!

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou
278 Responses
Avatar universal
I think I can help you.  Not only is my husband a psychologist, but we went through something very simular when we were young.  (I'm am now 47)  I was the very, very, controlling girl friend who lived with him (I am no longer controlling at all), his mother hated me (he was her only son) and she too was married to an alcholic, but at that time divorced from him, and a very controlling woman herself.  And my husband (who was my live-in boyfriend at the time) became totally estranged from his mom for 5 years.  Feel free to write to me hon, I think I can help you.
Avatar universal
I sorry for your situation.  I'm 44 yrs old and I have a 22 yr old son who today told me to leave him alone and that I'm a liar.  He's my only son and like you I try to give him everything w/thin my power.  As I grew up w/ an abusive and controlling mother I try to be different w/ my son.  Only it came back to slap me in the face.  My mother I believe uses him to either continue to control me or to just use him against me.  Either way after reading these posts I understand that I need to let go and let it be.  I know I was a good mother, I never let a day end w/out telling him I loved him.  I was there for whatever he needed.  I can't figure out what I did wrong, but I do realize I gave him too much w/out having to work for it and he took advantage.  I will not give him anymore of my life.  Enough, it's sad for him that he will miss out on what a really great person I am.  I believe that I really didn't do anything wrong but just love him too much, if that's a bad thing.  I refuse to give into his game and manipulations.  I pray for him that God takes care of him.  But I refuse to enter into any guilt trips my mother already did that job when I was youger and it took me a while to learn to love myself I won't be brought down again.  I believe certain people in our lives mistake our love for them as a weakness and try to use it against us by making us feel guilty.  Don't give in, give love but not at the expense of your own.l  It's time you were loved for who you are and for the love you have given to them.  Don't be controlled, even if it's the person that you most love, your own child.
Avatar universal
Thanks for this website. I dont know if I am ready to post my story but will say that the comment about "I have no idea what fills in the void once your heart is trampled on by your own flesh and blood." really hit home. I could not have described my feelings any better than that. I am a single father of an adopted boy. Not flesh and blood but I loved him the same. Anyway the comments/suggestions have helped me some. I will try to use some of the help. Maybe some day soon I will be ready to post my story. Believe me it is a good one.
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Post ur story
963409 tn?1247176111
I know xactly how you feel. I to am the mother of a foul mouth 27yr old son,with no job,he's angry all the time,has tantrums such as hitting himmself in the head when i won't give into what ever it is he wants. My husband doesn't want to hear anything about the older kids when he gets from work,so i have to act as if nothings wrong in order to keep the piece,for everyone younger in the house hold. I have no idea what happened with my son after he turned 18.The only medical problem is asthma since birth.Good boy growing up,needed very few *** whippens during his baby to addult years.Was a good kid,smart,still smart,but for somereason has turned on me, "yes my 1st born son" who is a gemini.He doesn't have anywhere to stay so i let him stay on the couch with a few simple rules which he agreed to. Soon as his dad leaves for work hear comes dr.jeckyll & hide. He likes you to listen to him but he doesn't want to listen to you,everything he says is right,everything i say is wrong. Mothers can tell when their child is lying"well, my 27 yr old gets mad when i tell him he's lying,i tell him when he tries the reverse psycology **** on me,then he tries the boys in the hood ****,never had a dad,lived on his own,got *** whippens 24/7,never gave him no money for school,all kinds of crazy bull **** he tries to get his girlfriend to believe. I have now just stopped talking to him because it was creating lots of anger & tension on my end since i have no-one to talk to.Moms for some reason ALLWAYS,ALLWAYS gets the blame for their adult mistakes they choose to make. I have also stopped saying anything to my 2 yr old granddaughter,"as my son & his girlfriend/wife to be has now requested that me"the grandmother"aka"mamasita sounds better for me,lol" I & the aunt & uncles can't tell my granddaughter! No don't tell me to shut up- we must ignore the 2 yr old so she'll stop saying shut-up. I can't tell her to hold the railing while walking down the stairs, because she allready nows how to waalk down the steps without holding on. Any automatic grandmother responces that come from my mouth"as taught to me by my mom" are now all wrong,although i raised all 5 of my kids the way i was bought up. Both my parents & brother are dead,so i am left with no family to talk to. My husband is the one with the huge family,but i can't talk to them about my husband/their baby brother. So i have decided to take my 2 remaining children who are still school aged 11 & 14 and move out of the home to somewhere quiet & a place where my kids caan have friends & attend a good school. My present home can continued to be occupied by my husband,and 3 older sons,i'll just take the last 2 untill they graduate.This saying is true" the more you love your kids the more they hurt you".Now my answer to him is allways no,no,no,no,but honestly as a mother i just can't sit by and watch his life get worse, so i wanna move.out of site out of mind,so to speak.can't turn back the clock,can't put him back in the womb,no more redo's,it's his life,and his soul,but i can't watch it happen as he is and allways will be my 1st born son. I have Number 1,2,3,4,sons & my 1 and only daughter who is the baby/youngest in my family,but for my sanity it's best for me to get the hell out of hear.just tryn to figure out how,and where to start as i'm 45 yrs old and have allways been a homemaker.I'll figure it out i guess.I would rather leave than end up killing my 1st  born son,and that's the way he's been tryn to push all the correct buttons to **** me off,so i stay in my room only comming out to cook for the younger 2 & wash their clothes,and sit on front porch. He has no problem asking for money,but gets mad when i say no,and it took me a long time before i could start telling my oldest son,NO! but finally i can.
Avatar universal
My older son truly wanted to be an only child.  I did not know this.  I gave him a brother because should I die, they would have each other.  They are friends with each other, but not tight like I had hoped they would be.  The older son has never met his baby nephew, eventhough they don't live far apart.  I am appalled by his behavior and attitude.  I am well aware, though it has never been mentioned, that my younger son is hurt by this.

We did not give our children everything they wanted.  We took care of the things that they needed in life.  I did the best I possibly could to show my children how much I loved and cared about them.  When my older son made a statement about something in his childhood that was very hard on him, I was aware that I should have done some things differently.  But it happened.  All I was able to answer to him was, "Yes, I can see this was very hard for you then.  I am sorry.  I should have done things differently.  There were a lot of things I should have done differently, but I did the best I could do with what I had to work with at that time."  I know that always, my children's health and welfare were my number one concern.  I did everything I could to give them happiness in their childhoods.  But I always knew the older child needed "something" that I just could never accomplish to give him, that brought him that happiness.  I still don't know what it is.  Our children are all grown, educated, and into careers of their choice and doing well.  This was our goals for them.  But then it was our job to cut the apron strings and set our butterflies free.  I love my children very much and I do everything I can to visit them, be it in their living areas, or meeting them on their travels for a day or so.  I email them, and call them and they do the same in return.
But I knew it was a risk, that I could lose my children once they moved on with their own busy lives.  I don't make any demands on them and I would never attack their wives like some mother in laws are guilty of.  I love and greatly miss the grandchildren, being that my husband refuses to move.  I am missing out on their lives, and the plan my husband had once promised me but broke.
I could sit around and obsess about this all the time.  But what good would this do me?  I still have a life to live.  I just am shifting my gears to a new stage in life.  It is time to travel, to persue my own hobbies and interests and get involved in the community and in meeting and making new friends.
When I read how you gave your son all this money, you may believe it was the way to show your love and caring for your son.  But maybe he interpeted the money given to him as more like you don't think he is capable of providing for himself, and feels indignant that he is still treated like a child.  You have had trouble cutting those apron strings and setting your butterfly free.  So he ran away, angry.  He needed to face consequenses for his accident.  He needed to have to work to afford his first car.  He needed to face consequences for neglecting his home chores, breaking curfew, for leaving the scene of the accident.  He needed to have his butt kicked by the law and by you both.  He needed to clean up his own messes.  When you take away those consequences by helping him instead, he probably got the message you didn't have confidence in his ability to take care of things himself.  Respect is something earned, not demanded or assumed it is owed to you just because society says it.  Your son's behavior is his only way he knows of telling you something was always wrong.  He doesn't know how to say it, maybe he doesn't even know what is bothering him.  
I am not saying in the least that you and your husband have been poor parents.  Overindulging, yes.  But you too were doing the very best you knew how with all you had to work with at that time.  He indeed was loved !!!
It is time for you to shift your gears into a new stage of your lives.  Concentrate on you both doing things you enjoy, and being active in your  community, church, or Organizations.  Broaden your lives by meeting new people and living your lives with quality and happiness.  I am not saying to forget your son.  I am saying that you both need to live your lives in a new direction, for you to enjoy happiness.  Allow your son his freedom to live his own life.  When he feels he is truly free, he may come back to you.  You can't smother him anymore.  He is grown and an adult.  One day he will realize it, lose that anger with maturity, and maybe return.  But if he doesn't , you and your husband have moved ahead with your lives and are living your days to their fullest and most rewarding for you now.  You now enjoy each other and expand your lives to include others, on their own terms.  You can write him letters about all the new things, people, and places you are going & nothing about how you miss him and want him back.  Give him his space.  But keep an avenue of communications open and undemanding, and unguilt provoking.  Let him come to you on his own terms. I wish you all well and lots of happiness in your new vertures in life.   Kathy
Avatar universal
Sorry to hear you did your best and your child doesn't deem it good enough.

My son is the same- 17, 18 in 7 weeks after his birthday I will tell him to leave. He's rude, argumentative and lazy and disrespectful non stop.



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