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Avatar universal

My adult son hates me!

Hello, I am desperately seeking guidance that may provide me with the tools to build a better relationship with my 25 year old son.  I married at 18 and I had a very turbulent marriage for 16 yers to an alcoholic...divorced him when my son was 14...during that time I tried my best to be a good provider, mother and role model...my only son never went without anything....I was a very strict, organized and scheduled kind of mother....yes whether it was right or wrong I did punish my son for inappropriate behaviour...perhaps today being wiser I might have chose different options... I did not know anything else.  I raised my 4 younger siblings.  My husband was the good guy and I was the bad guy....
Today, I am only 46 and have been divorced for 11years...emotionally I feel like I am 80....since the time of the divorce my son has constantly alleged that I severely abused him...anyone that will listen is told this story...and it gets embellished....I have spent the last 11 years of my life desperately trying to show him that I love him, accept him and would do anything for him.....now he is cohabitating and has a one year old daughter...his current partner is a very jealous, manipulative and controlling personality...she hates me terribly and now my son is even worse than ever before....he allows her to scream and yell and disrespect me terribly....he says he supports her....the situation is very bad and unpleasant...
I have gone many times to a counsellor looking to fix whatever it is that I have caused....I just don't know what to do....anything he wants I provide for him...just recently I stopped the financial flow and all the 'taking advantage of me' behaviour....I am an educated, logical and fair minded woman...but when it comes to the relationship with my son I am a total emotional basket case....I cannot stop thinking about this situation, I have acid reflux, headaches, I am depressed and angry at the world....I want to lash out.
I try to occupy my life with warm and fulfilling activities but I cannot stop obssessing about my son and granddaughter...I don't want to go the rest of my life not having a relationship with them but more importantly having my son truly feel, think and believe in his mind that I abused him...it is tearing me apart...he will not go to counselling and now has cut off all communication.

I am only telling you the tip of the iceberg of my heartfelt story....I am hoping that someone may have some suggestions that I may employ to make my son realize he is wrong, to show I love him and build a better tomorrow and have a wonderful future.
Thank you to whomever.
Mary Lou
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Avatar universal
My 28 year old son has just gone back to his flat after visiting us for Christmas.  Why he came I don't know.  He seems so angry with me, all the time, but he is pleasant (if taciturn) with his younger brother and his father.  He told me to shut up and called me an idiot this visit, and shouted at me.  I didn't respond, but obviously I must be doing something really bad to deserve this treatment.  Before he came I'd been meditating regularly and listening to self-help audio files to help me cope.  Why on earth should it be so hard?  I know I'm not perfect, but I have loved him and helped him all his life.  I have never put him down.  I show an interest in his life, but I get nothing back.  Thank you everyone for sharing.  It helps.  I'm feeling so many mixed emotions; sadness, hurt, fury.  Very best wishes to every mother in this position.  It's horrible.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, I'm sorry to hear this.  That is heartbreaking for a mother.  I always wonder how it gets to this point.  Our children calling us the C word?  

I know this hurts and hurt often looks like anger.  I will hope for healing for your relationship with your boys.  peace
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Avatar universal
This is me exactly!   I so wish I never had kids.  My 2 adult sons, 33 & 26 treat me like ****, call me names (the c word even) and say hurtful things.  I no longer want to be a part of there lives.  I am stressed to the max with my ailing mother and they are nothing but hateful towards me.  I just want peace.  
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Avatar universal
I haven't seen my son in 28 months. He moved in with his dad when he was 14 (he just turned 17 now).  My husband and I have been married since my son was 5 and my husband adores and loves him so much. We tried to be the best parents we could and I know we didn't do everything right but we tried our best. We don't know what went wrong. My ex really doesn't seem to care that he has no contact with us.  I feel alienated and my heart is broken I think so much time has passed that he will never want to see us again.
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Avatar universal
i am 61 yrs old have ms been hurt by 2 husbands , so had my heart broken , i fell in love with a younger man he is 39, my son hates me not allowed to see my graddaughters , i have done my best for him i feel now very very hurt he never came to visit me or let me have the girls , what do you think his problem is please help
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
How well I know your pain honey, and I've endured it for 4 years. My son is 23, we all moved to SC on coast, and he's worked with police thru school, did awesome, and loved it!! Well, he'd never met his birth father, name's NOT on certificate, and son has My last name!! One night I got a text from him it read, "Thanks for never letting me meet my dad, he's Dead now!" I just came unglued!!! I suffer from bipolar, and I'm on meds, like you I have NO insurance, so excellent therapy is out! :(  It's a curse, but I don't regret any decisions!
He's got 5 half sisters in Kentucky (western) which is where I grew up. At 17, he began visiting them, so I figured if he wanted to meet him, then he'd a had them help or I would think!! Not to mention he was never a "dad" to them either!! I was trying a new SSRI to go with Lithium, major Mess!! And my son saw it ALL, I was rapid cycling, so up then crying/upset etc...HEll. He texted later that he forgives me" however, he comes over (he's 2 hrs away in Charleston!! But he still ignores me. I'm studying to be child psychologist, yet I can't solve OUR problem!! :(

I have been suicidal 4 times, as you said, I begged God to kill me! I know we've gotta change what we do now, it has not worked!!! So, that's what I'm seeking, info on how to change behavior. You're not alone, and it *****! Starting to research how to deal with this age, he's not in the home, so discipline; is not gonna work! I'm 4'11, he's 6'1 and knows he can intimidate me, but he's not violent at all! He's successful, he's SEEN how drug dealers are!! His B. father had over $9 grand cash on him, split among kids, he refused it!! See? I think that he's blaming other stuff on me. My parents helped me raise him, they're amazing! And, I struggle every day about my faith, do you??! I have HAD IT!!! And I'm ready to find answers! Prayers for you sweetie, God bless!!
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