My adult son is abusive towards me.

[MandaC123]

My 20 year old son has anger management problems. He blames me for his life being a mess, im the reason he is aggresive and violent etc. The verbal abuse when he is angry has been going on for a few years now. Also around a month ago he became physically abusive resulting in me having to phone the police , him also attacking police when the arrived. He knows hes going to jail for this and is awaiting the trial. Yes , i did let him come back to the house when he was released on bail till his court date. I didnt want him to be on the street. He has never apologized and says he never will as he says it was me that made him snap by something i said...because i objected to being verbally abused basically and gave him a piece of his own medicine. I have had enough . The relationship is toxic. I once wanted to help him. Now, i just want him to go and not come nrar me again unless he can behave like a rational civilised human being. I guess what im asking here is...am u a terrible Mother to feel now that iv given up on ever having a decent relationship and wanting him to go? Today he has been calling me horrible names again like pleb, scum bag and all because i told him to stop thinking he has corona virus ( because he so obviously doesnt have it) . Im finding the name calling and the fear that he might be physically aggresive towards me again quite depressing and is giving me anxiety.

[anton52]

Yep. that's about the right age for that.
Kick him out, now. He'll survive just fine.

[specialmom]

Wow, mom to mom, this is very painful to read.  I'm very sorry you are going through that.  And heck, it's mother's day here in the states.  You know, I think there isn't a mother that gets through the teen years that wonders if they didn't make a mistake or two in the parenting job.  I sure do on the daily!  And our kids can grow into adults that don't function well.  Or have problems either mentally or with addiction.  Your son sounds troubled.  What do you think that stems from?  

First, make sure you are safe.  Absolutely. That's most important. Someone hurting you.  Someone hurting your home. Someone verbally losing it on you.  None of that is alright.  It's right to eject an adult doing those things from your home.  Whether they are your child or not.  

But it sure does hurt, I'm sure.  I'm just wondering how it got this bad sweetie?  What happened?  hugs to you.

[AnnieBrooke]

You say he is either with you or on the streets, are you sure those are the only two choices? Do *you* have a place to go if he does not?

[AnnieBrooke]

In other words:  you are in an abusive relationship with each other, so the number-one priority is not to be in the same living place at the same time. But you "don't want him to be on the street." Does he have a friend with whom he can stay until the court date? If he has no such friend, can you fund him staying at a motel? If not, do *you* have a friend with whom *you* can stay, until the court date? The point is not for you to win the argument, the point right now is for both of you to have a place to stay that is not with each other. Accomplish it the easiest way you can.

[MandaC123]

Thanks for your comments, i agree, it would be better if we didnt live in the same house but i dont feel that i am abusive to him. Once, when i snapped after having a tirade of abuse fired at me from him , yes. But not in general. I would bend over backwards and apologize to him for anything he thinks iv done throughout his life to ruin his life as he calls it but i cant any more while being called the terrible names he calls me. I cant afford to pay for a hotel for him. At the moment i have had to give up my self employed job for the time being untill the lock down is over. Because of the lock down it would be difficult for him to find anybody to take him in. Iv asked him to leave  just now and he says hel leave when he has money. Before his court date which is in July he says he will leave and go on the run to avoid jail. I dont think this is a good idea but i cant stop him. I cannot just leave thos house just now because he has caused so much damage...punching holes in walls , doors, setting rooms on fire ( accidently) , i have to have the damage repaired before i begin to look for some where for myself. I dont want to repair the damage while he is here because i fear hel do the same again in his temper. Its a terrible situation. Sometimes i think it would be easier if i took my own life. To be called horrible names and abused by a stranger would be bad but when its your son doing it to you , its very depressing.

[AnnieBrooke]

I think you should call one of the domestic-abuse hotlines. No matter if you are blameless and him the devil, a relationship between two people takes two people's input, and you need to change the pattern, and the only person whose behavior you can change is yours. The people who work on the domestic-violence hotlines are good counselors and know what resources there are, and can give you advice about what way to turn.