My boyfriend lied to me

[Angelika010]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 8 months now, we are both 20/21. From the beginning of our relationship I knew he watched porn and masturnated to it and at first it bothered me only a little. But around Christmas time it started to really get to me and make me feel insecure and worthless. So in January I decided  to talk to him about it. I did and I told him how it made me feel. He promised that he would stop. But around Mid April I found loads of porn in his web history from all the months between January and April. During that time I asked him if he watched any porn and he always said no. So all those months he was lying to me. He knew how it made me feel but he still did it and lied to me about it. It’s really hard for me to trust him about that kind of stuff now. And I know he still dose it and lies about it. I really don’t know what to do. The thought of breaking up with him has crossed my mind a few times but I love him. I tried talking to him about it a couple of times and he always says that he’s try to stop.

He always does this when I leave to go to university, so I’m gone like a couple of hours. I don’t understand why he can’t just wait for me to come back home.

It’s really starting to bother me and I don’t know how to talk to him about it anymore..... PLEASE HELP

[AnnieBrooke]

We get a lot of posts on MedHelp from women who take it super, super-personally that their boyfriend looks at porn. I don't think men who use porn in this way do it because they feel there is anything wrong with their girlfriends or their relationships, it's just a quick release. Would you feel less distressed if you found out he was masturbating when you went out without looking at porn? Are you saying that any time that he ejaculates, it must be when he is having sex with you? (Given how human beings are, that seems like a very high standard for someone to have to meet. Sometimes a person is just horny, or stressed, and wants to take care of the issue in 3 or 4 minutes.) Or is it that you would not mind learning he masturbated when you were away briefly, but you just really do not like it that he is looking at porn when he does it? Or is the problem that he seems to do it a lot?

[Angelika010]

I really do not mind him masturbating especially that we live in different cities and sometimes don’t see each other for like a week or so. It is just the porn watching and him lying about it that bothers me.

[AnnieBrooke]

I think you should not have made him promise. Of course he promised because you asked him to, but for a guy who does use porn this way, he should not have; he should have said he can't promise but reassured you that it means nothing about you or your sex life together. He is lying when you come at him and accuse him of continuing with porn so you will not be angry, or even worse, feel bad due to body-image issues or insecurity issues, but he probably even now has no real idea why him masturbating to porn would even set those off. He is lying, but he is trying to make you feel better.

Obviously he is going to still masturbate. Asking him to promise to something impossible for him and then getting on your high horse that he "lied" is changing up the argument and upping the emotional factor of something that should never have gotten to that level. It's like asking a little kid to promise not to lick the frosting and then leaving the room and coming back to a frosting-covered child and being upset that the child "lied." The kid promised because you asked him to, but he really wasn't capable of restraint. This guy likes porn and uses it in this way, it probably means nothing to him in terms of how much he loves  you, and you put him in a tough position by forcing him to promise not to use it. He promised because he cares about you, but he doesn't have the capacity to keep such a promise. In your shoes, I would release him from his promise rather than accuse him of lying. You brought that one on yourself by being insistent for your own reasons.

The question to think about is whether he is just a normal guy who jerks off to porn or whether his porn use is excessive, such as one would see with a porn addict. If he is turning away from sex with you at night to look at a screen and masturbate, it's excessive. If you are having as much sex as you want with him whenever you want, then it doesn't seem so excessive. (Unless all he does ALL DAY when you are gone is watch porn and masturbate. That would be excessive!) If you think he is a porn addict, you have a choice to make about whether to stay in the relationship. If you think he's just a guy with a relatively normal libido who does look at porn and use it for release, maybe you need to lighten up and believe it has nothing to do with your attractiveness. For that, a counselor might help.