My boyfriend won't have vaginal sex with me

[coldbloodtruth]

My bf 23 will not have sex with me 20, and we have been dating for abt a year, we both love each other to where we couldn't let the other go unless they cheat. he has anal sex with me sometimes, and we do everything else sexually, but he says his reason is marriage, he wants to wait til we are married. of course i can't believe this reason. he evern said b4 that he wanted me to force it on him and i just dont want my first time like that. what is wrong? what can i do??? ohh btw i have a 2 year old daughter and he is a virgin. (besides the anal sex hes had with me)

[Vance2335]

Maybe he didn't want to have vaginal sex because he wants to wait until he was married to have kids. Are you married to this new guy?

[coldbloodtruth]

Thanks for all the advice, I left him and since have met someone special and we have a 3 week old daughter (all is well for coldbloodtruth) :) and sorry for being so sensitive abt your answers, I believe he was a bit emotionally abusive-possibly narcissistic as well. I was glad to finally let go of my feelings for that man. Boy was I foolish lol

[Sorry moderator, post now closed, if anyone would like to comment/ask a question,  you may inbox me]

[Claire_MHModerator]

Hi, folks,

Since this thread is old and the original participants are no longer taking part, we'll close it now.  If you'd like to ask a question or start a new thread, please click the "Post a Question" button near the top of this page.  Thanks!

Claire
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[spokentruthfemale81]

I don't know u or ur man but I have read everything u have said. You stated he doesnt want to have vaginal sex with u until marriage but says u can force it on him, in my opinion hes not intrested in your vagina at all, n using that excuse about marriage is just an excuse because if it was all about that he would wait on the other things as well...u ever think if he has u from behind he might b imagining another man...he may love u n he may be protective over u because he actually does care n love u as a person, but it doesn't sound like real partnership love to me..I bet he also enjoys oral From u but does he do oral with u..im just saying I hope ur truly understanding this situation because I don't honestly believe hes being 100% honest with you. There's to many excuses of avoiding the vagina n id hate for u to marry this man n still have the same problems..n u seem to have some doubts as well about his sexuality or u wouldn't have asked him or us those questions n just because he says he wouldn't want a 3some or a strap on used on him doesn't mean hes being..sorry for being so blunt but I actually feel bad that ur allowing this man to be so selfish with ur needs, love is equal..u please him he pleases u...no excuses

[deadmemory]

I totally agree with Londres (Ha, when don't I)

This is an open forum and you came here for advice..

Advice typically involves a person's personal opinion. We are not here to validate your feelings, but to give you our heart felt opinions of the topic at hand. You say your boyfriend is a virgin, however, he has anal sex with you. Sex is sex. Whether it be vaginal, oral, anal..

Sounds like your boyfriend is a little perverse if he doesn't want to have sex with you vaginally.. Do you even enjoy having anal sex? The thought of it makes my butt-cheeks pucker. I just want to be sure that YOU are being respected.

I didn't really read everyone's responses so I could be way off or repeat something that has already been said, but have you told him how you felt about wanting him to have sex with you vaginally? Does he know where  you are coming from..? Do you even like anal sex? You aren't doing it to please him are you?
Sounds like he is just giving you some pretty lame excuses to NOT have vaginal sex with you.. He wants to WAIT before you all get married before he "loses his vaginal virginity?" But he is totally OK having anal sex with  you before marriage..

As long as you're okay with the way things are.. Then fine.. To each his/her own.. But if you're unhappy.. You need to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR to him.
Before you marry this BOY, be absolute sure that this is what you want...
I mean NO offense or anything, but let me share with you something very personal. I got married to someone when I was 20. Unbeknownst to me, he was very sick. He did something unforgivable. I was the one to ultimately pay for it, I still am. Not saying that anything bad is going to happen, but I was a naive 20 year old girl once. I married this person when I didn't really know him. I don't want you to get hurt.
Take it from me, don't rush into marriage or having kids yet.

Good luck

[Londres70]

Dear, this is an open forum and you have come here for opinions/advice about your situation and we have done that.  There are things you may or may not agree with or wanted to hear, so take what you think you can use and leave the rest.  That is the beauty of these forums.  It would be a DISSERVICE to you to tell you what we think you want to hear vs. what you need to hear.  

Secondly, we don't KNOW you to judge you.  We are merely basing our opinions, etc. on the personal information you have given us.   I wouldn't call that "judging" you.  We are totally relying on your life's "snippets" you have given.  

Sounds like you are getting the "short end of the stick" in regards to your sexual needs not being met the way you want regardless of the reason he can't or won't perform vaginal sex.  I feel for you as I don't believe anyone should have to endure this.  

Thirdly, if you thought his mother was the real issue in the first place behind this, then why not mention any of this in your original post that way we could better understand the situation.  

Your statement....."what is wrong? what can i do???  Well....you were already given possibilities what COULD be wrong (as we are PURELY guessing) and you were given some suggestions/things to try, i.e. NO sex until marriage.  

There is NO way to make this man into someone he isn't or change him into something he will never be.  If he told you after marriage he will do this, then hang on then if you love him and trust him.  Why he believes this is the thing to do......well...he just does.  If this all is possibly related to his upbringing, there is NOT much you can do about that.  If you stay, you will just have to accept this about him and possibly more and endure.  

Best of luck with this; a very convoluted situation.  There's no "quick fix" to this unfortunately.  




  

[RockRose]

The actual question,  coldbloodtruth,  was "what is wrong" and "what can I do".  

I wonder what kind of responses you expected to get?

I don't see where anyone is being judged.

So,  I'll just form my answer into the questions.

"What is wrong" - is that he doesn't like vaginal sex.  We don't know why,  and it appears you don't either,  but that's what's wrong here.  Sexual preference is so hard-wired into men,  that it's hopeless to change them.  His preference for whatever reason is anal,  but most men who prefer that are also willing to have vaginal sex.  But that doesn't really matter in this discussion because he finds it so abhorrent he won't do it no matter how much you ask.

"What can you do".  You have a choice to make.  Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who will never have vaginal sex with you?  If his other qualities are so astounding and you don't particularly mind anal sex,  that's a choice for you to make.

If you were hoping that women would come along on this thread and tell you how to change his preference,  that's not going to happen.

Best wishes.

[specialmom]

Oh, and my recommendation to ANY woman is to mindful of giving more than their partner.  Sexually, you do.  I wouldn't like that and again, would go ahead and pull the plug on sex and tell him that you agree that some things are special and you'll wait until you are married.  Just an idea and I'd try to do it more than just a day to see if he is serious about this relationship.

[specialmom]

Hm.  I'll read back through as I didn't really see that to be honest.  No one cares what you do in your bed room but to an outsider, it is odd that he does all he does sexually but won't have "regular" sex.  I doubt his mom wouldn't have made him feel bad about anal, threesomes and strap ons too.  That is not trying to be judging but am trying to understand the correlation between his mother and his sex life.  Sometimes people are damaged and they have a skewed idea of sex.  And they may find someone that can live with that or someone they are with may decide they would rather a person they were more compatible with.  So, I'm not exactly sure anyone could have given you a real answer to your question.  I don't know how to make him enjoy having sex the way you want to.  You can just say he needs to be married to do that and find out if that is the case??  Maybe it will be.  Maybe it won't.  How's the rest of your relationship not including the sex part?

[coldbloodtruth]

thank you to those that didn't judge and stuck to the question instead of adding personal opinions , i know how hard it is for people to truly leave judging to god , and keep negative opinions to themselves. overall i can't say i got any completely helpful answers though, just things ive already considered, and people judging and trying to push their life choices on others. the way i see it is i think its his moms fault, its our job as mothers to teach our sons and daughters about sex and about the opposite sex, not just say, son if u have sex your gonna not only screw up your life, but burn in hell without mercy, leaving your child scared, confused and unaware of women and how to treat them or how they act and this will end up ruining their chancs of ever finding a wife willing to put up with his ignorance of feelings and other female things . thank goodness im willing to be understanding towards him and his bad upbringing where racism, and hypocrisy was so influenced... but anyway i will stop just get so aggravated when i'm being judged but its fine its my life my cchoices and only i will have to deal with the results in the end but thank you to those who tried to give positive feedback to the ACTUAL question

[specialmom]

yes, I agree with you londres--------  that is what I meant by 'hang ups' about regular sex.  Something seems a bit wrong with the picture.  But I agree with you for sure.

[Londres70]

Yes, definitely agree with you Specialmom and RockRose that this could be the situation with this man, however, I was confused to the fact the poster stated he told her he wanted her to "force it on him."  Then, I was thinking was this guy sexually abused or has something traumatic happened to him to make him have this strange view about vaginal sex.  

There are some heterosexual men that prefer anal sex only though.  

He also could "swing" both ways;  i.e. Bisexual, and prefers anal sex with both sexes.  

If it were me, I would be looking for someone who is willing to do what I liked, needed and ENJOYED, not he gets his sexual needs met and I get NOTHING.  

Doubt if this changes after marriage.  What you see now is what you will be getting later on most likely.  

Still confused about what is going on here.  

[specialmom]

To that I agree.  There is a very strong chance that his preference will always be anal sex and there is also a good chance that he has a few hang ups overall regarding sex that I'd not be thrilled to deal with.  

[RockRose]

I'm  not saying he's gay necessarily,  I'm just saying this won't turn itself around after marriage.  This is a man who,  for whatever reason,  doesn't want to have vaginal sex.

[specialmom]

Well, I don't know.  Are you saying he is gay Rockrose?  Who knows.  Maybe.  But I find the highly sexual relationship in which she is willing to do anything and he has his limits quite odd.  

[RockRose]

I SOO respect the other posters in this thread,  but I have to say.

A man who is not so overcome with desire that he throws caution to the wind at least once - doesn't, in fact want to have vaginal sex.  

I'm just sayin'.  With all due respect.

[Londres70]

I agree with Specialmom.  

It is sounding more and more as if he doesn't want your PREGNANT before marriage or just doesn't want you pregnant.  Dear, condoms are NOT 100% foolproof.  There are MANY unplanned pregnancies related to condom failure and/or improper usage.  Everytime you have vaginal sex there is a change of pregnancy whether there is a condom used or not.  Of course the chance increases tremendously if there is NO condom used.    

Why not withhold ALL sexual activities UNTIL you all are married?

Are you sure about what you want?  One minute you say it's no big deal to wait and then you say you can't stand waiting.  You sound confused.  

In your initial post, you stated he wanted you to "force it on him."  Then you say he wants to have vaginal sex after he is married.  Does he know what he wants?  

Not to be rude but this whole situation sound contradictory and confusing.  I don't get the comment about the "strap on" and the "threesome."  Why would you resort to that?  

[Bnl1024]

he might have a fear of not being good enough due to your past sexual partners. If he really never have sex before he might be scared of not being able to please you! pshh girl, if i were you i would just be like whatever and make him give it up! lol what can it hurt if thats what he wants.but once he does have sex with you he'll understand the reason you been so sexually frustrated...

[coldbloodtruth]

i tried that the other day we broke down in an argument abt the sex thing and i said how abt we stop messing around all together, then the very next hour he showed up at my door and immediately started asking me if he could finger me!! although it felt great and it made me feel better i knew very well what he was doing,he wanted to make sure i didnt go thru with my threat... i couldnt resist tho because i love the sexual attention, i did almost have sex with him once btw but my daughter woke up from her nap so, i guess its not impossible just i want him to be like any other man and to want to do this with me , to crave it , to want it to need it, like if i was a guy and had a girl bending over or spreading it for me i would stick it in faster than u can say zip-slip... idk but condoms work just fine i dont see y he would be scared of getting me pregnant, im sure that has a lot to do with it but i mean when i got pregnant it was from NOT wearing a condom... i understand the risk of pregnancy obviously that is what sex is all abt, reproduction, but that is why they make condoms and there are ways to make sure the condom doesnt break or have holes.

[specialmom]

I don't know how to say this but that he is into anal doesn't really mesh with the being a son of a pastor and seeing sex a certain way.  Could he just not want to impregnate you??  

But regardless, he is holding out.  You certainly sound pretty ready to do just about anything for him . . . invite others into your bedroom for sex with you, using strap ons . . .  I'm not sure why vaginal sex would be special after doing all of those things.  But am sure you see that yourself.  So, what is the big deal about regular sex?  

I don't know.  I think I'd start withholding all sexual activity with him and tell him that you want it to be more special in general.  See how he handles that.  good luck (and that is not being sarcastic, that is exactly what I'd do.)

[coldbloodtruth]

oh and again he does not call himself a virgin, when i say virgin i mean to me he is a viginal virgin since he has never put his penis in a vigina, the same way i was an anal virgin b4 him and i had anal sex, which has only been 2 or 3 times.

[coldbloodtruth]

ive considered that maybe he is in the closet but if that was the case he wouldnt be sooo protective towards me and other guys, i have asked him if he'd be interested in a threesome with another man or maybe me use a strap-on on him, but hes not interested in those things at all he doesnt think that being gay is right but he doesnt really judge though, we are pretty open sexually and this just seems to be our only problem, i believe he is just scared especially sincce he's never done it b4 and probably because i have done it soo many times in my past, i think he might just want it to be special. and i have no problem waiting until marriage but obviously u see i dont believe he really wants to because its pointless after everything else we do... i mean he doesnt exactly neglect my needs, he will finger me but that is just not sensual enough for me, i would like to make love with him.. it is something i do want very badly, not only will i be his first and that will make me feel extra special but its a way we could more mutually please eachother. i'm sure the way he was raised (his mom being a pastor and all) might have a lot to do with his mental challenges with women and the vagina, after all im just his 4th girlfriend and he's really not the best with girls... but i love him soo much and i just want to solve this problem without leaving him because i wanted sex because i dont want to seem like a *****, i mean i havent had sex since i got pregnant almost 3 yrs ago, its not like if i was single id be sleeping around, i just want to make love with my boyfriend because i have a strong feeling he is the one i will spend the rest of my life with. hope all this helps everyone understand more...

[Bnl1024]

OMG... This is a SUPER BIG RED FLAG! If my boyfriend ever pulled this we would be in a bond. I dont see how you let this fly! i understand all sex is fun and good and times but only anal haha yeah right!!!!!! as far as i know you stick it in one hole your not considered virgin at all. He seems to not care about your needs. Any real man will ask " baby are you pleased, finished, etc." like omg this is so strange to me! Something might really be wrong with him! like i dont mean that in a rude way... anyways good luck with that!

[Hunny25]

Sorry to ask and put it like this but is he really in the closet and usinig you as a cover up? I hope u have protected anal sex with him.