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Avatar universal

My boyfriend won't sleep in the same room as me

I've recently been having trouble sleeping with and feeling close to my boyfriend of four years. We've recently moved in together, three months ago, but for the last two years we've been sleeping at each others apartments most nights, this was only an occasional problem then. I really believe that we should be sleeping in the same bed, or maybe that's just what I really really want.

However, it is inevitable that he'll wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning, get up for a little while and then end up sleeping in another room. This has been frustrating me because its depressing to wake up with him gone, sort of like I'm to blame. Of course, I want him to get plenty of good sleep, but when we sleep in separate rooms, I don't sleep well. It's also extremely depressing to completely resign myself to having separate bedrooms. I find it hard to even look at him during the day and usually end up crying if he tries to come into my room before going back to sleep in his.

We are having less sex because of this issue, since we would often have sex before sleeping or in the morning after waking up. Plus, there's no desire for romance when one of us is miserable or sleep deprived.

Neither of us snore, although he says that sometimes I cough in my sleep, and we have a fan or air conditioner on for both the noise and the heat. I use my own top sheet and he has a comforter so we don't touch and I try to sleep as close to the edge as I can in order to not disturb him if I need to turn over. I've suggested getting a tempurpedic, but he doesn't want to spend the money. I know that he loves me a lot and cares about our future together, but the issue has been such a problem that he will no longer talk about it, which just makes me feel very lonely.

I've run out of ideas, any suggestions?
29 Responses
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Avatar universal
My boyfriend does the same like he sleeping in another room and we been fighting  and i love him and i just don't know why I sleep better beside him and it hurts
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have the same issue but my boyfriend sleeps in a bed with his 8 yr old son will my 3 year old sleeps in her room alone and I sleep in the master alone.  He says give it time he doesn't want to upset him but how much time do I give it's been 2 months?
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Avatar universal
I am so with you on this...im in the exact way...I dont think these partners realize, how this kind of relationship screws with your head, while keeping us awake all night wondering how we are ever going to live this way the rest of our lives...we arent getting our sleep...its no way of living!  If these people want their space so bad, they should never mislead anyone into a relationship like this...my boyfriend hasnt slept in my bed for over 2 years and had no intimacy for a year..l cant even look him in the face anymore....thinking of seriously leaving
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Avatar universal
I've been w bf for 7 years & for the last week he has started sleeping in the other room as well. He says he sleeps better bc I wake him. Usually my 2 small dogs, dachshund & chichuachua & his pit would sleep w us above the sheets around outs legs, and he says he can't sleep with all of us. But yet when he sleeps in the other room, so does his pit... Wtf. I haven't givrn him a hard time bout it, but I am feeling more separated and as mentioned above, I'm not even wanting to give him sexual pleasure, nor has he except 1x. When we wake, he doesn't even touch me when walking by... I've even began to leave earlier just bc I don't feel the love from him like before. I've even started thinking bout breaking up completely, thinking often, maybe he'll care then. I'm just bout over it. ..... What am I to do bout all this? .. I'm seriously bout over the top. We don't have kids either, both 32. What should I do?
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Avatar universal
Im a guy and have a quite simular experience to Trialanderror.
I do not mind sharing dreams with my girlfriend, if they are real dreams and not just looping worries.
My girlfriend can be quite tense, worries a lot and has a lot to think about. .
In bed, this tension is invading my body and then I cant sleep.
If we are at a longer vacation she will relax, and then our bodies will be in tune..
Then I am able to and love sleeping next to her.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm having a very hard time with this as well. We have been together for 6 years. One night a year ago, he got so frustrated that I snore that he woke me up in the middle of the night, threw me in the guest room, said "this is your room now" and there I've been ever since. I'm so angry and hurt. We did get close to being in the same room again like 3 months later, then he had a fall and that went right out the window since there was suddenly a medical need. I am still here, we haven't been intimate in over a year, and he gives me the excuse that he likes to spread out. I told him 2 nights ago that i still resent this and that i feel there is no compromise, and he said w do compromise. To me a compromise would be weekends or a few nights a week if he can't deal with it every day. I haven't been able to move beyond the hurt in all this time, and it's a big deal to me. I think it is so stupid that he can't deal with me in the same bed after 6 years, but i know we both need and deserve good sleep. How do I become "okay" with this arrangement? I refuse to call it a compromise because it's not.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It might be because I'm old fashion or raised old fashion and also raised in church but you really shouldn't be living and having sexual relationships with each other if your not married. Sorry but that has to be said, now to your question, it may not be you it might just be him. If he loves you like how you say he does then him not sleeping in the same room or bed with you is actually the right thing to do and he is just trying to do right by you. And him not wanting to talk about is okay because I once knew a man who is now with the Lord who never complained or spoke his mind where it wasn't needed. He was a kind old man who died from stage 4 or 5 cancer. But when he was stage 2 he never said a word about it in fact he took a transmission out of a big van, that holds about 16 people, and he put it back in. He never complained about his pain even before his death. If you wanted him to say anything about it you had to pry it out of him. Point is there is people like your boyfriend. So don't worry about it.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi.  I don't know how long you have been together but that can make a difference.  Sometimes the longer you are with someone, the more used to them you become.  I have gotten used to my husband.  Ha.  You should think so, right?  But I too am a super light sleeper and value my sleep very much.  I don't function well without it and do best with NINE hours (I know . . . pathetic that I need that much and rarely do I really get it).  After years together, other things come into play like the comfort of my own bed, the familiar sounds, etc.  It really helps me to have some kind of white noise in the room.  I run a fan a lot of the time.  A king bed also helps.  But I remember early on . . . and in my sleep deprived little children years having a lot of trouble getting used to sleeping with another.  

good luck dear
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I want so much to sleep with my boyfriend. I love him and he loves me. We are so good together. It's just that, i sense his energy and I can't totally relax. Just him touching me wakes me up, though I hardly go into a REM sleep. He's understanding, but not fully. He wants to make love a lot, and though it relaxes me, it totally wakes me up. I always sleep in for at least two hours after he gets up.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
My boyfriend well not come to bed he says it to cold in the bedroom why is he saying this now so I ask my mom for a heater and when we got it was the wrong one and he go that was your excuse for me to go to bed like why would he say this that really hurt all I want is time together and our cuddles back I get nightmares a lot and it just like he know and not really wake up when I do but he pulls my closer to him and I know it was just a dream when he does this and it make me fell safe and I can go right back to sleep but when he not in bedroom with me Im up every 2 or 3 hour going to check on him and if I have a nightmare Im up for like 2 hours because I cant sleep we only be together for 4 month I don't to lose him I love him so much please I dont want this to end please someone help me on this I dont know what to did or done  I havent told him how I feel but I know he knows deep down how I feel because I ask to come to bed and he also said he like sleeping on the couch better how is it better with out me what am I doing wrong someone please help me on this
Avatar universal
LOL, I thought you meant some kind of test to see if he's gay!  ha ha ha ha
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh,  M CAT is the test that one takes to get into medical school.  

anyway, yes, break ups are hard.  Stay busy and keep a journal.  It will be better when he does actually go.  Ya know, I don't care what anyone says------------ close friendships with x's rarely work.  Reason being, one typically has some hidden feelings left over.  I honestly would not be thrilled with my husband keeping in touch with an x on a regular basis.  Luckily, my husband doesn't do facebook or any of those sites that cause so many problems and is so busy working that he has no spare time for such nonsense.  But I really think it is a red flag that he talks to his ex every day.  

You will find someone to have the kind of relationship you'd like.  Don't settle until you find it.  good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yeah, pretty bummed today as we still haven't discussed when he's moving out.  I just know that this situation makes me so unhappy because I'm a snuggler!  It also messes with my mind thinking maybe he's got something going on the side, x-girlfriend as she still calls and texts him on a daily basis.  It just doesn't feel right.  Never fun going thru a breakup.  Glad he had to work today!  I'm not sure what test you are talking about though..??
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi emcat (cool name.  Did you take the test????)!  I am sorry it came to that with your boyfriend, I'm sure you are bummed.  It is always sad when a relationship ends.  But better now than after a wedding.

This thread is old and often posts get missed.  You can start a new thread if you'd like and probably get more responses.

I too often wonder what happens to people that post and then we don't hear from them again.  I wish that we'd receive follow up memos!  

Okay, welcome to med help.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I've been going through the same thing with my boyfriend/fiance.  For the past couple of months he has been sleeping on the couch.  He knows it bugs the hell out of me!  Now he even decides he needs alone time and will go watch tv in bed while i'm downstairs.  Well today I broke up with him.  I was just wondering whatever happened to some of you that went thru the same thing. Did you ever resolve it, still together or did you just adjust?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm only 23 and moved in with my boyfriend a few months ago. He has always been a light sleeper and says i wake him up with my nightmares and snoring. I'm really embarrassed about this as i never used to do it when i first got with him. I'm getting upset aS we are still in the honeymoon period but have in my eyes grown apart :-( please help me. Do i go and see someone or do i get my boyfriend to see a sleep therapist as i think he got things on his mind which are stopping him from sleeping? X
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
hiya i ave the same problem. my boyfriend of 5 yrs who is 28 sleeps each night on the sofa and i in the bedroom. i feel lonely. i know it is never gonna change it has not for the last 4 or more years. we have sex one a month when he feels he wants to. we have been trying for a baby for 4 years lol and i now i will never conceive as lack of action. i am 33 and time is running out for me. i am thinking of leaving him in a couple of yrs if no different when my son who is 14 from previous relationship has left school. i want to move down south. i know my boyfriend would never want to move from the town we live in. i wanted a sibling for my son when he was 2. I have wanted another baby for 12 years and my boyfriend knows this. I know he loves me, but i dont even get a cuddle or a kiss. I feel like my heart could turn to stone if i go on like this. I know we are not teenagers but i am sure adults do more than nothing, dont they?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I realize that nobody has posted on this forum recently but I've just found it. Im in a very similar situation with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. We have lived together for about 2 1/2 years and for the past 9 months he has stopped sleeping in our bedroom. He's always been a light sleeper but now when I ask him to try sleeping in here he says he just cant sleep good when he does. It never seemed to be a problem before so I just dont get it. We barely ever have sex now and I'm just feeling really bad about our relationship. I feel there is so much distance between us and it seems that it doesnt even bother him. Im beginning to feel like room mates and I dont know what to do?! I almost want to move out just to see if it makes him want to be closer to me again.. what do you guys think? 9 months is a long time to feel lonely... and it's really taking a toll on me :'(
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi!
Its good to hear that you have the same problem as I have with my boyfriend... We have been together for 2 years and moved in a month ago. We have never had bigger problems with sleeping together in the same bed on the weekends or during holidays. Since we moved in we have not had a single night that he wasnt waking up, and waking me up as a result... i think he sleeps very light. He falls asleep very quickly but wakes up suddenly...during night and cant go back to sleep. He says that he is very stressed because of work so at times he sleeps in different room, so that we can catch up on sleep. The only problem is that it makes me feel like Im his flatmate only... not a close person with whom you spend intimate moments during night. Moreover it also puts me off sex as I dont feel close anymore. Any suggestion? Help...I am fed up with it...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi!
I'm a female and I have great problems getting to sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend. And I love him more than anything in the world!

For me I think this difficulty has arisen because of a number of reasons. I'm an only child and not used to having any sibling around me, or sharing a room with anyone. I always had problems sharing a room with other girls when I was growing up and we went on over-night school trips/camps. I had Valerian tablets even as a 15 year old, to try and calm me (but that didn't work either).

I think for me it's just that I am quite an anxious person and a very light sleeper and I just can't switch off completely with someone else in the room. It hurts me a lot, because I want to please my partner, and I can feel a bit guilty, because I know it means a lot to him. But now I think he has got used to it and because we have such a loving relationship during the day, I think he feels reassured that I love him. And we always cuddle( or have sex) in one of the rooms before going to bed and cuddle in the morning when we wake up. I just feel so rubbish if my sleep has bee deprived in any way, that I can get angry in the day, so we have learnt that I should sleep alone, even though I'll sometimes try and sleep with him (but it still hasn't worked out).

I can so agree with what Trialanderror that it's as though I can catch on to his brainwaves when I'm trying to sleep in the same room. I can't explain it. Not that I have any of his dreams or so, it's just that my mind seems so conscious of him being there.

If anyone has overcome the problem of not being able to sleep next to their beloved partner I would love to hear how they did it!
/Christine
Helpful - 0
1167333 tn?1263382173
I realise this is an old thread going, but I can say that I am a woman and I do exactly the same as your boyfriend does. I've no idea why but feel so much more comfortable on my own. I realise this sounds insulting to a partner but its nothing to do with loving them less or that I dont want sex, its simply to sleep. If anyone is interesting in talking about this more I'd love to discuss and expand on the theme, I very rarely speak to anyone about it, but has caused a problem in every relationship I've been in.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
my boyfriend hasnt slept with me in 2 yrs..he has never even tried too...l feel like l moved into his house and kicked him out of his own bed..l am at the point in leaving him cause l cant deal with this anymore..l dont feel like this is a relationship at all never did..he is also a habitual liar..when l asked him why he doesnt sleep with me first it was cause l dont sleep with the tv on..well sorry dude l cant handle noise..the second was it was to warm in there..well thats why they have fans..the third was he had a bad cough and he couldnt breath laying flat...the list goes on and on...he did however said his last girlfriend he slept with he would put the tv on in the living room and sleep with her..so it has to do something with me..all the woman he has been with have big breast..well l dont and l think thats the problem but he wont fuss up...tired of all the lies ....
Helpful - 0
285848 tn?1219092313
Aren't you cute? and doesn't he love you?! Thats totally bs! He'll let the cat sleep with him until it wakes him up to leave the room...he's totally contradicting himself.. Did you say anything in response? I would have gotten po.ed lol ..

Gosh I love how all of the sudden everyone thinks my boyfriend is totally gay or bi...*sighs* He used to be bi, or said he used to be because he had one experience and now that he stays over at his friends house he's gay...HE IS NOT GAY! His friend is not gay! He hasn't been hanging out with any gay person, just a married guy and his best friend...who is not gay! As far as my other comment I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP COWBOY OUT...and how is the last one the most telling? I don't even mention his being bi or anything. Were having problems and suddenly he's all fruity and its because he wants a guy over me?

Sorry Katie I am not going to post on this forum anymore...people on here just...assume way too much. Anyways! If you need my help at all anymore feel free to message me!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
To get back to the sleep issue and maybe provide an update, I've agreed to maintain separate bedrooms for about the next month or so. My boyfriend has a major project coming up and I know what it is like to have a trusted partner seem to sabotage your success by providing selfish distractions.

Beginning in October, I need to move back into our bedroom and work on sleeping together. It's just an absolute necessity to me and I hope that we can make it work.

In the mean time, I wonder if I should be upset by the fact that he'll let his cat stay in at night, sometimes even in his bed. He knows perfectly well, and has accepted the fact that around 2 or 3am the cat will annoy him enough until he'll have to get up and let it out. Yet I'm not allowed to sleep in his bed because I'll inevitably wake him up. I mentioned the double standard and my boyfriend seemed to see that it's unfair, but "he's cute and I love him," says my boyfriend to the cat.
Helpful - 0
103391 tn?1221808547
Hi Jame - looking at your posts lately I am 99.9% sure he is bi. After reading this last post it just confirmed it  to me. Straight guys just don't add this way!

The posts I am talking about - Jame0223


Your comment on Cowboys post - http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/624493?personal_page_id=4091&post_id=post_3394105 and another post

The most telling one - http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/624714.

Good luck, and sorry to hijack the post!

:-)
Helpful - 0
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