My dad chose his girlfriend over me

[IzzieL]

My father cheated on my mum. it was a while back. I found out in November. It's now February. Things we hard, obviously. My younger siblings now know they're getting divorced, but not about the cheating. By the way, his GF is a 26-year-old Filipino. My dad is a 45-year-old Brit.
They met when he had to move to Malaysia due to his job. Then he moved to Singapore in mid-2016 for higher pay. He was keeping this a secret for months before finally telling my mum and totally breaking her.
He hasn't been here. He hasn't been a Dad for ages.
My mum told me I should tell him how I feel. It's hard to do when I see him in person, so I emailed him. Told him how I felt.
He gave a long reply. He seemed sort of like my dad again. But when he addressed how I told him I wasn't going to have a relationship with him while he was with the woman who broke up my parents' marriage, he said how she didn't and how he didn't see how him breaking up with her would change anything.
I then told him: her or me. The gold digger you've known for less than a year, or your daughter who you've known for just under 14.
He chose her.
I actually couldn't believe he did that.
He could put it on hold. Just for a bit. If it's actually love, she'll still be there. Thing is, he doesn't want to risk it. He keeps saying how she genuinely loves him, but deep down, he must be scared that she'll just go out and find another 40+ wealthy white man if he puts the relationship on hold.
He doesn't care that his kids are in pieces.
I have depression and Anxiety. I cut.
I keep trying to put myself in his shoes: what if I was in love and didn't want to leave them, but my children were in lots of pain because of it?
I WOULD LEAVE. KIDS FIRST. THAT'S WHAT BEING A PARENT IS.
I'm grieving. He's dead. My dad is caring. He'd risk anything for me. he's not that person anymore...

[AnnieBrooke]

I also want to add...one thing having a withdrawing or emotionally distant (but admired) dad left me with as a legacy was that for a while, until I saw the pattern and deliberately worked to break it, I only fell in love with emotionally distant (but admirable) men.  That was the "gift that kept on giving" from my fervent wishes my dad would be more loving to me, and it was hell on my romantic life until I worked it out and found a man who was right there for me all the time.  I gave him a second chance because he wasn't as exciting as all the emotionally tied up in themselves creative geniuses I had been dating!  And we've been happily married now for years.

So though this is very early days for you to be thinking of your future with men and your ultimate life partner, I do hope you will keep on your plate that you can't let the hurt, from your dad being sort of self-centered and seeming to turn his back on you kids, rule your life in the end.  You will probably always have more tolerance than many women for men who are somewhat emotionally unavailable, but please don't get serious about one.  That would carry forward your present heartbreak unnecessarily, since it would hurt only you.

Good luck, sweetheart.  See if you can find a counselor, it really will help.

(((HUGS)))

Annie

[AnnieBrooke]

In short, you are a lovable and desirable person, whether your dad validates this by his actions or not.  His fault, not yours, that he couldn't find a way to get what he wanted emotionally and still have you in his life.

[specialmom]

Hi Sweetie.  I can relate.  I had a similar circumstance.  My dad left my mom abruptly and married a younger woman two months after the divorce.  In fact, she was younger than my sister and barely older than me.  I was in college at the time.  Whew, this rocked my world!  My mom was a mess and he pretty much started a new life.  It hurts.  But, I can now say this ---  having been through it, it was his right to do what he did.  He was an adult and I, as his child, can't control who my parents love or are with.  I think making it her or you was unrealistic.  And truthfully, not fair.  As a parent, I can tell you my kids are my world.  But I also am human and having one tell me to pick them or someone I love would be an unfair thing for them to do to me.  We raise our kids to be adults, self sufficient and independent from us.  So, we ALSO have to have lives and live.  I didn't like my dad leaving my mom and especially the way he did.  But he wasn't happy.  And he was in the midst of that 'mid life crisis' thing that can happen and while I think he made a horrible mistake as a child (even though I'm really old now, you're always your parents child, LOL) I'd like my parents together.  

And here is something else you don't realize at your age.  New people in our lives offer new opportunities for relationships.  Meaningful relationships. Your dad is 45, say he is married to her for several decades.  This is a person that could be in your life and have a positive impact on it for a very long time.  Step parents can be good to us.  My dear friend had parents who divorced.  Her dad died. Then after a long cancer battle, her mom died.  And now, who comes as a grandparent to their kids things?  Her step dad.  Who gives her that sense of family when others aren't there?  Her step dad.  Had she never given him a chance, she'd not have that relationship in her life now.  

My own mom died at a young age and in a tragic way.  My husband's second wife could NOT have been nicer to my sister and I.  While I don't like what my dad did, at all, she was a nice person.  My dad divorced her and she has since passed away too but the month before she died, I got a lovely card from her telling me her thoughts on how proud she was of my accomplishments.  It was touching.  

So, my point is---  it wasn't the right thing to do to tell a man in an adult relationship that it is you or the other woman.  Do not allow your parents to put you in the middle of these things.  Be loved by both your parents.  DO tell your dad what makes you feel loved--  and it's okay to request spending 'some' time alone with him and the new woman not there.  But it is not fair to expect him to leave her or have two totally separate lives.  

good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

This is bigger than you can solve on the Internet, sweetheart.  Please see a counselor or therapist.  You will be surprised what good it can do.  Your dad will still be gone, but you will at least feel like life can go on and you will be able to see who you are, even when in the pain that's now around you like a cloud.  

Your dad is not you.  His distance is not a judgement on your desirability as a person.  Some men are just withdrawing, I had an emotionally withdrawn dad.  His distance is making you want to fill the gap, making you feel the void and you are right to hurt over it.  That is bad parenting for sure, but right now you have to take care of you.  I'm sorry, but he doesn't sound like he is able to.

The only thing I would say is that he is probably being truthful when he says the other woman is not a cause; she is probably just a symptom of the restlessness he already had.  (People don't leave if everything in their relationship is perfect.  If someone attractive comes on to them, they just laugh and tell their wife about it.)  I'm not saying he should have left his children.  I am saying on that one thing, he is probably correct.  He's saying it's his fault, not some manipulative, all-powerful woman who broke his will and roped him into it.  So your anger at her is probably misplaced.  Be directly angry at him, it's more likely to help you get through this painful time.