Avatar universal

My dear friend took her life.

I met her exactly a year ago. We started hanging out together as quarantine buddies and we’re in an intimate relationship but we never called it anything may be more like friends with benefits however there was some serious feelings there. She loved me so much and told me all the time. She bought me stuff constantly and I’d yell at her and say don’t. She’s clean my house and dishes and I’d tell her to stop and that she’s here to have fun not be a housewife. She showed me a lot of love and I didn’t receive it well. I pushed back a lot because I felt smothered by her love. She was dealing with medical issues such as breast cancer, kidney stones and then something knee that popped up in her colon, an unidentified mass. She was afraid of hospital and being sick and would net get the treatment she needed. She was not in made shape or terminal. The lumps were removed and she just needed radiation and chemo. I don’t know if she found out what the colon mass was. We had a fight on Tuesday last week and made up Wednesday. She came over Wednesday dressed up real nice, hair perfect. She seemed particularly happy. She cooked for me. She left a kiss mark on my bathroom mirror. What I didn’t know until the next day is that she took a firearm from my house, went home and shot herself. I am completely ruined and feel it’s my fault and I could have stopped it. I wasn’t there for her to lean on and I never told her I love her even though she always told me. I have no other friends because I lived an odd lifestyle where I was always overseas drifted away from everyone. She was everything to me but I just didn’t know it. I was everything to her and she told me all the time. I miss her and love her. I’m having a hard time dealing with this right now. I always gave her crap about trivial things and now she’s gone. I contacted my PCP and insurance about counseling but I just also wanted to reach out here as well. Alice, I never believed in afterlife and stuff but if it’s real and you can see me or hear me, I’m sorry and I love you. Please stay by my side and be my angel.
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207091 tn?1337709493
I am so, so very sorry about Alice.

Suicide is never someone else's fault. Obviously, she'd had a lot happening in such a short time, and perhaps she found out that the colon mass was malignant, and decided she was done fighting with her body.

She chose to express her love for you in the way she did, and that wasn't conditional on how you received it. I hope you can just be grateful for that. She knew who you were, and what your lifestyle is, and decided that you were worthy of her love. If she needed a man to be there for her daily, she'd have chosen someone else.

I hope your memories will bring you comfort. I'm sure you brought more to her than you realize right now.
Helpful - 2
Thanks. I just visited with her family and found there was other pain in her life that I didn’t know about as well. There’s a lot she was dealing with that I never saw. I have therapy starting tomorrow.
973741 tn?1342342773
Oh my gosh, I am so very VERY sorry. This is hard to read.  I hear your sadness, your regret and your pain.  Please know that she must have been dealing with so much for her to have taken her life by suicide.  You brought her joy. To do for others makes many so happy.  To love someone.  She loved you.  She knew that you loved her, don't doubt that.  

I agree that perhaps her health was taking a turn for the worse and you weren't aware.But those who think about suicide usually are hurting terribly emotionally. She's not suffering any more.  

I am so glad you that you are starting therapy.  I personally went through a painful loss of someone I deeply loved that died unexpectedly, tragically.  Therapy helped me very much. Staying busy and distracted.  This is a lot for you to deal with. She doesn't want you to suffer so do what is necessary for yourself to get through this.  I'm thinking of you.  
Helpful - 2
Avatar universal
I don't know all that happened, obviously, but I kind of have developed my own way of looking at this kind of thing.  My Mom got cancer when I was 17, and ended up paralyzed from the waist down.  It drained her of her joy and drained my Dad of his spark as well.  She stayed pretty much the same, with the same amount of pain, for 7 years, and then ended up in the hospital and basically starved to death while on morphine.  My view was, the death wasn't sad.  Her drained life and the illness were what was sad.  We all die at some point, so it's the life while lived that's most important, and in this case, she was quite sick and obviously decided this wasn't how she wanted to live the rest of her life.  That doesn't at all mean she didn't care for you deeply or that you didn't do for her exactly what she needed, it's that you couldn't give her what she needed, which was health and a future that wasn't going to be filled with medical procedures and pain.  It's not at all on you.  Like you, I'm not a believer in the afterlife, but if there is one, she's got a chance to have a better time of it and if there isn't, she's completely free of all that ailed her.  Grief isn't a mental illness.  It will take time for this to mitigate, and it may never completely go away.  But don't measure the death, measure the life, and it sounds like you two had a wonderful time when you were together.  That says it all.  Peace.
Helpful - 1
She just wasn’t that sick yet. She was afraid of becoming sick, she was afraid of getting old. She also felt that if she couldn’t have me she couldn’t have anyone else because of a STI that we were dealing with together. I cut off the intimacy for a little bit for medical reasons and she thought she was going to lose me. She always said her biggest fear was that I would leave her. We had so much planned to do over the next couple months because I just came home from an overseas job. I was supposed to be her rock. I always wanted her to step back and give me space but now I’d do anything just to hold her one more time.
I started some grief counseling with a licensed counselor but should I be seeing a Dr like a psychologist?
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