Aa
My girlfriend is being abused
hello everyone, i need your help! my girlfriend was and might still be sexually abused by her father, she confronted me a few days ago i tried to help her and ask her questions but it only seems to make things worse i told her to tell her mom or even her step dad who she loves more then anyone in the world... but then she tell me that she will never get to see her dad again so i asked her why she still loves her dad even after what he has done to her... btw i don't know exactly what he did she didn't go into detail. and she keeps talking to him and visits her but now he is coming down this weekend and he is staying in a hotel and she says hes going to ask her to stay with him and i told her no cause im afraid he might try to rape her... i want to tell her mom but im scared she might end a relation ship or worse hurt her self im lost i care for her vary much and i just want to help her... she thinks im looking down on her for it. i told her im not and im trying to understand why she dosnt move on and forget about her horrible excuse as a father, but she dose not want to even though she told me that he will never grow up and love her as a daughter she keeps on trying to make that happen... also im scared she is allowing things to happened just so he will lover her in some kind of way... all she wants is her biological father to lover as a daughter and nothing else. and wont stop at nothing to achieve that even though she know it will never happen. she also cut her wrist once at a young age... im lost sacred and have a hard time sleeping at night cause of it i need help fast before something bad happens...
specialmom, as always, you make really good points. I guess I also think it's important to keep the conversation going, for those who happen to be reading and experiencing similar situations.
You're very right that a lot of women can recover - FULLY - from childhood molestation. As with everything in life, there are individual ways of coping, and some people are hardly affected by things that cause other people to nearly give up. Someone who is molested as a child is CERTAINLY not doomed to an unhappy life with broken relationships.
There are predictors with who tends to recover well. A child who is molested and then goes on to immediately tell an authority figure, and the molester is removed from the child's life are likely to recover fully and suffer hardly any ill effects from the incident.
A child who suffers in silence, does what he/she can to avoid the molester and incidents of molestation, has disgust and disdain for the molester, and at first possible opportunity moves out and distances herself from the abuser, also has a good chance of leading a healthy life with healthy loving intimate relationships. It's hard, there are obstacles, but it can be done.
The last case, where the victim actively protects the reputation of the molester and makes no effort to avoid further molestation, but continues to desperately seek a normal relationship with the molester is in the category where few recover. Within this grouping are women who grow up and have children that they offer up to their own abuser for sex, and who never are able to form a loving sexual relationship that doesn't involve abuse.
This is long, sorry. I wanted to put this out there, because so often on this forum there are people who choose partners and create children with them, and that partner is completely incapable of a good relationship. There are so many good guys (and women!) who think well I can just love them enough to "fix" them. You can't fix everyone, and there are clear signs and predictors for those who are not equipped for have a loving intimate relationship.
Just my opinion -
You're very right that a lot of women can recover - FULLY - from childhood molestation. As with everything in life, there are individual ways of coping, and some people are hardly affected by things that cause other people to nearly give up. Someone who is molested as a child is CERTAINLY not doomed to an unhappy life with broken relationships.
There are predictors with who tends to recover well. A child who is molested and then goes on to immediately tell an authority figure, and the molester is removed from the child's life are likely to recover fully and suffer hardly any ill effects from the incident.
A child who suffers in silence, does what he/she can to avoid the molester and incidents of molestation, has disgust and disdain for the molester, and at first possible opportunity moves out and distances herself from the abuser, also has a good chance of leading a healthy life with healthy loving intimate relationships. It's hard, there are obstacles, but it can be done.
The last case, where the victim actively protects the reputation of the molester and makes no effort to avoid further molestation, but continues to desperately seek a normal relationship with the molester is in the category where few recover. Within this grouping are women who grow up and have children that they offer up to their own abuser for sex, and who never are able to form a loving sexual relationship that doesn't involve abuse.
This is long, sorry. I wanted to put this out there, because so often on this forum there are people who choose partners and create children with them, and that partner is completely incapable of a good relationship. There are so many good guys (and women!) who think well I can just love them enough to "fix" them. You can't fix everyone, and there are clear signs and predictors for those who are not equipped for have a loving intimate relationship.
Just my opinion -
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, as my friend was 'equipped' to recover from the events that occured in her teenage years, so are a lot of women. I think what I am reacting to is the basic assumption that any person will be stuck in their mentality of their teens. That this is the death null for this girl basically in terms of ever having a normal life. I just can't generalize like that as I've seen people turn their lives around time and time again. Sure, some don't, I admit.
I just encourage anyone who reads this in the future to know that women can overcome this. That they shouldn't write off the idea of a normal life if they've suffered abuse in their youth and even if they continue to struggle for a period of time as an adult as they work through that they can eventually find peace and have meaningful, healthy romantic relationships. The mind IS an amazing thing and people do overcome horrible situations. My hope is anyone who has a situation likes this is able to eventually find peace and move on because they can if they want to.
peace to all!
I just encourage anyone who reads this in the future to know that women can overcome this. That they shouldn't write off the idea of a normal life if they've suffered abuse in their youth and even if they continue to struggle for a period of time as an adult as they work through that they can eventually find peace and have meaningful, healthy romantic relationships. The mind IS an amazing thing and people do overcome horrible situations. My hope is anyone who has a situation likes this is able to eventually find peace and move on because they can if they want to.
peace to all!
SM - I certainly believe many adults who were abused - physically and sexually as children can overcome - and your friend sounds like one of those who was equipped to overcome. Having the maturity to tell, and follow through with a court case, out of compassion for her younger sister, sounds like one of the girls who can heal.
This girl here, I just think is in a situation she can never heal from. Here she is, absolutely desperate to please a father who sexually molested her, even being willing to go spend nights with him in a hotel and certainly risking molestation or even rape, just on the hope that she will be able to please him and make him love her in a healthy way. And now, she's furious at a boy who loves her deeply and he has acted to protect her.
This is just sad, sad. In my opinion (I could be wrong) this is a girl who will be STILL spending most of her emotional energy when she's 50 years old, trying to get her dad to love her.
Awful.
This girl here, I just think is in a situation she can never heal from. Here she is, absolutely desperate to please a father who sexually molested her, even being willing to go spend nights with him in a hotel and certainly risking molestation or even rape, just on the hope that she will be able to please him and make him love her in a healthy way. And now, she's furious at a boy who loves her deeply and he has acted to protect her.
This is just sad, sad. In my opinion (I could be wrong) this is a girl who will be STILL spending most of her emotional energy when she's 50 years old, trying to get her dad to love her.
Awful.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree you did the right thing. And deep down, I think she told you in order to help her. Otherwise, she'd bury this secret further.
Now, I will say that you can try to be there for you but she will likely reject you. Remember, you still did the right thing. She will grow through a lot and has been through a lot.
I would consider if she asks for space that you give it to her. peace to you
Now, I will say that you can try to be there for you but she will likely reject you. Remember, you still did the right thing. She will grow through a lot and has been through a lot.
I would consider if she asks for space that you give it to her. peace to you
COMMUNITY LEADER
I actually know a woman that had a situation in which her father molested her, actually . . . he had sex with her on a regular basis for two years between the age of 14 and 16. She told on him as she was leaving for college because she had a younger sister she worried about. He spent time in jail for it. She has gone through therapy and is married to a great man, has a loving home, two children, etc. Some do move past abuse. Thankfully.
Anon, you shouldn't feel horrible at all for what you did - you did absolutely the right thing. It takes guts to do that, and you did it.
But I guess I have a different view of things than many here, and I don't think there's any real hope for a relationship with this girl, ever.
Best wishes. Don't doubt that you did the right thing.
But I guess I have a different view of things than many here, and I don't think there's any real hope for a relationship with this girl, ever.
Best wishes. Don't doubt that you did the right thing.
Since she mentioned the abuse to you, I think you did the right thing. It may be tough for a while, but you have to know that you used the best judgement to put an end to this girls abuse.
If I were you and had the opportunity, I'd approach this girl, give her a hug (if she'd allow that) tell her how much she means to you and let her know that it was her health and welfare that you are looking out for. Tell her that you will give her space or support, which ever she needs.
It may or may not mean anything to her at this point in time. Later, somewhere down the road, I believe it will have meaning to her. Let the cards fall where they may. You need to realize that you cannot control this and its out of your hands....
Wish you the best...
If I were you and had the opportunity, I'd approach this girl, give her a hug (if she'd allow that) tell her how much she means to you and let her know that it was her health and welfare that you are looking out for. Tell her that you will give her space or support, which ever she needs.
It may or may not mean anything to her at this point in time. Later, somewhere down the road, I believe it will have meaning to her. Let the cards fall where they may. You need to realize that you cannot control this and its out of your hands....
Wish you the best...
you were a big help... you were right after i told the guidance counselor and they called child and family services... she found out it was me... no surprise there. now she wants to leave me but is unsure i don't know if i should give her space or not... she hates me for what i did she couldn't even look at me. i felt so horrible after what i did... im lost and confused...
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. I think this is so very hard because she has spoken to you which shows how much she trusts you. It is hard then to turn and tell others what is going on. I still think you have to do it but it will most likely cause her to be angry with you if she isn't ready to tell. The thought is that it would eventually end up in her being thankful that it is all over.
When a girl is sexually abused by her parent, there are very very complex emotions involved. A girl could be quite conflicted. Sad to say, some even enjoy some of the attention. But they are not to blame. They are victems to terrible, manipulative monsters.
The repercussions of what her father is allegedly doing are significant including jail time. Yes, this will be very ugly and messy. And sadly, if she doesn't come forth with the facts, she can deny it and then he is free.
I do think that it is unfair to say this young woman is so damanged that she'll never have a healthy romantic relationship her entire life. Many do move past abuse to become loving partners in normal, healthy relationships with significant others. Therapy is essential to undo what has been done.
You could tell the guidance counselor and her mother. But prepare yourself for the firestorm after. But if you want to protect her, then that is the way to get it started. good luck
When a girl is sexually abused by her parent, there are very very complex emotions involved. A girl could be quite conflicted. Sad to say, some even enjoy some of the attention. But they are not to blame. They are victems to terrible, manipulative monsters.
The repercussions of what her father is allegedly doing are significant including jail time. Yes, this will be very ugly and messy. And sadly, if she doesn't come forth with the facts, she can deny it and then he is free.
I do think that it is unfair to say this young woman is so damanged that she'll never have a healthy romantic relationship her entire life. Many do move past abuse to become loving partners in normal, healthy relationships with significant others. Therapy is essential to undo what has been done.
You could tell the guidance counselor and her mother. But prepare yourself for the firestorm after. But if you want to protect her, then that is the way to get it started. good luck
Stick by her side ..all she needs is that someone to love and care..if you just left that kinda shows you dont give a #@!? ..if it doesnt help then move on knowing you actually did your best..or tell her to take up councling..go with her if she or you want to..stand behid her..she may never forget what happened but she could be in pease with her life..who knows years from now you may be married with kids and the both of you are just as happy and she tells your kids that you are the reason she moved on.. And got back on her feet..(or something)
anon, you need to go in to your high school counselor's office, and tell everything you know about this girl's abuse, and then move on.
That's all you can do. This girl, when she reaches the age of 50, will STILL not be capable of a healthy relationship.
She will never be capable of an adult relationship. I know in your youth you want to rescue her, it's not going to happen.
Best wishes. You sound like a really, really great guy and soon, if you move on past this, you will have a loving, healthy relationship with a girl who can respond to you.
That's all you can do. This girl, when she reaches the age of 50, will STILL not be capable of a healthy relationship.
She will never be capable of an adult relationship. I know in your youth you want to rescue her, it's not going to happen.
Best wishes. You sound like a really, really great guy and soon, if you move on past this, you will have a loving, healthy relationship with a girl who can respond to you.
Anonymous, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so lost and so scared for your gf right now! She's a lucky girl to have you in her corner, and I think that she knows that. Whatever happened it sounds like she is ashamed "she thinks I'm looking down on her for it". You said that she "was" abused. What exactly did she say that has you believing that she was sexually abused? It is concerning that she "cut her wrist once at a young age". That suggests that she was indeed dealing with something heavy that was bothering her at such a young age, and this could be a very long course of abuse. Do you mind me asking how old you both are? Are you going to school? Are her grades suffering? Does she isolate herself from people? Did she get therapy when she cut her wrists? Does she suffer from anxiety and/or depression? What kind of relationship do you have with her mother. Is her mother the best person for you to talk to, do you think, should you decide to do so? I feel for you son, this is a big problem that neither of you deserve.
Hugs LIz
Hugs LIz
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