I am not sure if this actually is such a great idea that you all do this WITHOUT the consultation of a THERAPIST. Plus, you aren't able to remember the details of the affair.
How many years ago was this anyways? Why would he want details after it happened years ago? Did you all seek therapy after the affair was done?
It is possible you really can't remember being that it was traumatizing for you.
I don't think the details of the affair is more important than the reason or reasons you had the affair. I do think you all should address this with a THERAPIST.
You not being able to recall all of the details of the affair is a very real thing. You too may have been traumatized by the affair (not anywhere near the trauma your spouse has gone through) and your ego won't allow you to recall all of the details.
All I can tell you is, not being able to recall is totally real and I feel for you. It is a difficult road that you are on.
Hi. Ugh. I want to comment on a couple of things. You say the affair was years ago and it concerns me that your husband is still talking about this to the point of demanding details. Is this an affair you had while with him or something from your past? I ask that because I think it is odd he is still bringing it up if it happened years ago as if the story of what happened is new information. Or did he just learn of this?
If he's known for a while and is still grilling you about it, it is time for him to stop. It is a common reaction to hurt to want to go over it and go over it but at some point ---- this does have to stop in order to move on.
You may be blocking out parts of the affair due to being traumatized about it or he may be asking you for details that were unimportant to you and you didn't etch them into your memory forever. But his asking and asking is a problem. If he has had the opportunity to process this betrayal----- it is time to move PAST it. That means that having it as a topic of conversation regularly would hold you back.
I agree with above that reliving the affair is not really helpful to the process of healing. More to the point------ a solid discussion as to where the relationship with your husband was at the time the affair happened. How it happened. What you are doing now to make sure it wouldn't happen again. How you are working to be closer as a couple. These are the most important things to be talking about.
I am sorry that you and yr husband are having such a critical time, the aftermath of an affair is really difficult for any relationship. However, I agree with specialmom, constantly bringing up the matter will not help the situation at all. You two need to get counseling if you haven't already started. This is a healthy method to get everything out and both feelings and emotions can be dealt with. Its scary that yr husband still wants details after YEARS, it signifies that it is still hard for him to accept and you both cannot move until you both have reached a point where u say "yes it has happened but that was in the past, this is the present and we are looking towards the future."
You have blocked out the details of your affair, maybe you just couldn't deal with the thoughts. Tell your husband honestly that you simply do not remember but I do believe that you need to face it, just like all other traumatic happenings you need to understand where u are coming from and where u wish to end up and that involves back tracking.
I wish you all the best, you and ur husband needs a professional mediator to help and make unbiased observations, so get on that. Take care.
I think that even if you did know the details... it would worsen your marriage. I had a cheating boyfriend, and I was so mad I picked apart the truth until there was no truth left to be told. Knowing all the details hurt me so much. I wish I would have just left him and not have asked what happened. But in your case it's different since you are married. I can't put myself in your shoes, but I can put myself in his... and I don't think he is going to let this one down. I think you guys need to somehow figure out a way that he is going to stop asking you and get over it. Couples therapy may be a very good idea. Good luck!
Apparently you people have never been cheated on in your life . Years ago or recently , the details matter for the cheated on spouse because they are trying to piece together a puzzle that they have never seen before . Just because some of you think it should never be spoken of again ,doesn't mean the cheated on spouse can ever forget . Your asking this person to just forget a part of their life as well . A part they have no clue of . No they were not in the affair but it was a part of there life that was going on without them. For one thing it helps to bring it out in the open , breaks the deception , the hiding , the lying . For it can't really be an affair if both spouses know about it .
Hi there. I'm sorry you have been hurt in the past. I would say that there is no right or wrong way to get over an affair. It hurts no matter what.
Sometimes though, ruminating on the details perpetuates the pain. No, you can't forget but you keep it fresh by asking and asking and asking. There comes a point in which one needs to understand that the details only make us angry and no matter how many times we hear them, we won't be satisfied for how this happened. I think if one is going to try to move on, that some point they have to decide to live in the here and now.
Frankly, some people are unable to stay together and have a healthy relationship after an affair. Everyone is different.
But one thing that is universal, infidelity hurts beyond belief. I've been cheated on as well at one point in my life. luck to all who suffer in overcoming.
Not against the spouse knowing the "details" of the matter, but this should be done with a therapist involved.
I think my above advice that I've just read again as related to the person posting the question is still the exact same advice I'd give. An affair from years past can not be ruminated over for eternity. It is a sign that someone is not able to move past it and perhaps being together at that point is not a good idea.
I certainly can't fault someone for wanting to piece it together, however, after years of trying to do so . . . I feel the offending spouse does have the ability to say, I already told you that.
luck to all and wishing no one had to suffer in their relationships
Nobody is asking anyone to forget anything. What people are commenting on originally is the fact that this woman cannot remember all of the details of the affair that devastated her marriage. I can attest that that is entirely possible.
I can also attest to the fact that bringing up the affair for years on end can in and of itself put an end to the marriage. If a decision has been made to work on repairing the relationship, forgiveness must be given on some level in order for this to take place. One cannot forgive and then retract that forgiveness at will and expect the marriage to move forward.
I know full well the trials and tribulations of trying to repair a marriage that was devastated by infidelity. It takes a tremendous amount of work on both parties behalf. The affected rightfully demands and deserves some things and it is the cheaters position to follow through, to the best of their ability.
If that isn't good enough and those demands cannot be met, if the cheater is not sincere in his or her efforts and the affected continues to demand accountability years down the road, the marriage is doomed.
People can move forward and do move forward, and all of the facts given above were given by people who either have lived this situation or are in some kind of a role regarding therapy.... it is good, sound advice. The fact of the matter is, some marriages cannot survive infidelity...
I can speak directly to this so-called, unimaginable request by your husband. As many people here know, my wife had an affair with a friend that I considered my brother in every way. I read many emails that stated that they just felt they were better as a couple than she and I were. The aftermath of their decision has left me, even after a lot of therapy, rather empty. It is hard to trust people after the two closest people in your life do and say horrible things about you as a person in every aspect. I lost my BF, but decided to stay with my wife because before that, she was a wonderful mate. We had a great life with the ability to be great friends at the core of the relationship. We are working toward that again, but it has been a slooooow climb.
Now, I have gone up and down, seen many therapists, and have even ceremoniously tried releasing the pain with therapists and even a pastor. (Unfortunately, I did lose a lot of my faith through this, but that's a whole different story.) So...I do the same as your husband. Not all the time, but it's regular enough. What he is asking for is reassurance that what you told him was the truth...he doesn't know what to believe, or not believe. His mind searches for missing pieces to allow him to feel normal again. He is also insecure now about what you do with him, versus what you did with the other man. It is a tough reality to know that your wife's wild side came out with another person, and the lengths she went through to do it.
My wife also has difficulties remembering things about the affair, and will not recall details that I read in emails from her. I have come to realize that not everything was as impactful to her as it was for me reading about it. Perhaps, sit down with him AND A THERAPIST, and go through what you do remember. Help him truly see that you are being honest, and that you just can't recall details he is asking for. Everyone's details are different, but much of the devastation is the same. With all that I've lost as a result of this, I often wonder how it can't be illegal...but....I digress.
I just wish there was a "like" button
Im going through the same thing with my babys dad and I'm ready scared to answer because most things I can't remember. Although I didn't have a sexual encounter he seems to fought sometimes even when I swore. I guess it counts because I thought about it. :( I do hate myself for this. Does couple therapy really help. Because I'm willing to do everything, anything for him and our relationship! He might not want to though.
Make up a story and tell him............. If that doesn't help, tell him you swore on your child and he will believe it