After being raped....

[BBsGirl]

"I was just raped this past Saturday night/Sunday morning. I have a very colorful past. Former Marine and Police Officer, so I have the knowledge and I've had the training, but you still never think it will happen to you. I feel that I was drugged, because I don't remember hardly anything, and after looking up the aftermath's of the different date rape drugs; I feel pretty confident that is what happened. I have a coupe issues.  I want to stay mad! I haven't cried, I don't want pity, I don't want the puppy dog eyes.  I want to get these guys and make sure they never do it again!  I have been with my boyfriend just a short amount of time (3mo.)and he lives 5 hours away.  I've always been a (matter of fact) type of person; maybe due to my "colorful past", and the same seems to be going for this situation as well.  My boyfriend is supporting me 100% and is the most wonderful man.  But I am very worried that when this all hits him he won't look at me the same or want to be with me physically.  All I want is my normalcy.  Is there anything I can do on my end of this to help him cope with his end."

[SR2834]

This is long, sorry but i read your post and i got upset. I am a strong person like you i think, but at the moment, when i get down, i feel like a nobody. I am still not ok after what happened to me. I am finding it close to impossible. Maybe we can help each other.

I got raped by a pig who i worked with. I actually worked for his parents. It happened my first year out of school (2 years ago). I didn't know anyone so was associating myself with the people who i worked with. Luckily i made a few good friends there, but other than that, i feel like a complete idiot for hanging around the wrong people. I was with this guy and his mate after work one night, and they suggested threesoms etc.. I told them to f*ck off so many times, and i guess i laughed it off because i honestly didn't think anything would happen. Next thing i remember them just taking my cloths off and doing what they did. Once they started touching me, I just couldn't move, i was frozen, and i tried to get away by removing myself from what was happening in my head. I wanted to be anywhere but there.  This happened 2 yrs ago. I didn't tell anyone, my friends from school had gone their own ways and my brothers would have killed the guys if i told them. I went back to work and from then on, got bullied by this guy. He acted all funny toward me, and i never reacted to the things he used to say. I didnt want him to see that what he said was affecting me. Other people at work started saying things to me though, and mentioning things, "hear you had fun the other night?"... stuff like that. I never let anyone see me get upset, but subconciously, It just completely destroyed me. I knew what had happened and i tried to deal with it on my own. But I ended up completely blaming myself, and believing what everyone else was saying.

About 8 months ago, my boyfriend randomly asked me if i something had happened between the three of us. We met through my work, maybe a few months after what had happened. He knows both the guys. Theres so much to say, i cant even begin to explain it. We spent about 6 months having the most chronic arguments. The guy who raped me had told his story to my boyfriend aswell. Because I blamed myself for what had happened, i saw myself as a **** And so, no matter what i said, it never came out right. I tried, but i never came out. My boyfriend actually rang one day and said I had been raped. I was shocked and said that it wasnt like that. I thought, i didnt have any blood on me after, and they hadn't held me down, so how could it be rape. So after all the bullying, i had completely lost sight of what had happened. I saw myself as a ****, saw it as my fault.

Anyway, i guess my bf knew something wasn't right because he stuck around. And i will never be so greatfull for someone. Slowly everything came out, not easily or smoothly, but its come out. I have told my family, and im seeing a psychologist now, she helps me so much. I reported it to the police, but apparently it has been to long, and there is not enough evidence to support me. The guy who did this is getting away with it isn't he? Im struggling with my job and studying, but im trying really hard to not let this control me. I hate that its effecting me so much. Some days i am angry, or highly emotional or just feel like a ghost walking around. When i stand back though, i'm a mess.

Because of how it came out to me boyfriend, he has so many misunderstandings. It has just ruined his life for the past 8 months, and has been so back and forth. He doesn't want our relationship anymore because he will not be able to control himself when he sees the guy who did this to me, and he says theres always going to be questions that he asks. He is only asking questions about it, because of how i acted after, and because of how this all came out. I feel so weak for blaming myself. It this had come out clearly, maybe he wouldnt leave. We love each other and until this, we would have spent the rest of our lives together. I can't stand the fact that this has effected our relationship so much. Do you think that once we get a bit of normality back with our lives that he will just look at me and see me. Not all this other ********?

I want to help him, because i hate that this is effecting him so much, but i dont know how to if he is not around. We still talk, because he is so worried about me. I don't know what to do and neither does he. I am struggling everyday, and i don't know how to help myself.

I hate that this kind of thing happens to so many people. I hope you and your boyfriend can punish the guys who hurt you. From the bottom of my heart, i hope that. And i hope you and your new family are happy soon!

It helps me, and maybe it'll help you to remember when you get down and feel ****, that you're really not alone.

[hottbubbles421]

Hi.. i know what your going through. I was in 7th grade. i was raped by my BOYFRIEND! which is even worse. like i trusted him & he completly ruined it. So i deffinately know what you went through. Its really hard to cope with. i am now im 9th grade && i still cant get over the fact that he did it to me. I havent told anyone but my boyfriend that i have now. He's helped me out so much & i love him for that!. Just hang in there && your not alone :)

[rebbecca]

my heart and prayers go out to you!!!!!
i was also raped. i was 18 and i was also at a party and the guy that done it i knew. to make matters worse i got pregnant by the person that raped me. i tried everything that i could think of to get him charged but nothing worked. he was sent to prison less then a year after my son was born for molesting his 2 sisters. if the decetives would have done there job those poor little girls wouldnt have been molested.
so please keep up the great work and get those son of a guns put in jail!!!!

[BBsGirl]

Thank you so much mayflowers!  He's a wonderful man and is raising a wonderful little boy and I feel so lucky to have them in my life.  

So I guess I get a little off track when I think of my boyfriend.....  Anyone who has taken the steps to file a report and do what you're "supposed" to do, have any up comming advice on what I should expect?  I know these guys are gonna try and turn this on me, but really it comes down to one thing.  It was no way, shape or form consentual!

[mayflowers]

You're post made me tear up!!  You're are a lucky person with all the support you are getting...especially from your boyfriend.  He sounds so wonderful!!!!  Go  after these men and don't let them get away with what they did.  I think that will really help you and you will know that they can never do this to anyone else.  That's your strength right there.  You have the ability to stop them.  My best to you!!!

[BBsGirl]

I think I should first say Thank You to you all for being so supportive, concerned and informational!  It helps beyond words!  And to reply to the last two entries, I'll start with, YES, I know who one of the guys is, the other I had never met.  The sucky part of this is, we were at a Halloween Costume party, so you can imagine what it's like to try to remember someone who wasn't as they appear-normally.  But I have a great group of friends who have been doing some detective work for me and have been very successful!  In a way, I think it's working to my advantage that I don't remember very much, because it's like my sub conscious is protecting me.  If that makes any sense?!  Like I said above (I think) I'm a pretty matter-o-fact type of person.  I hate that this happened and I'd really like to do inhumane things to them for what they did, but in time they will get thier's (twice-civilly and through the military) and then they won't be able to do this to anyone else.  

And to you all, as far as my boyfriend is concerned, through all this, he's been my rock!  I was so affraid he would look at me different, or see me as "used goods", but he still has a shimmer in his eyes when he looks at me, I think even more so now-- I know I'm getting a little sappy here but that's how I feel about him.  Although he live's 5 hours away, which suck's!,  I drove to see him over the weekend and he is exactally what I needed.  We didn't talk about much at all of what has happened and that was perfect because at this point I don't think it would be good for either of us, being so far away from eachother.  But as soon as I saw him and he took me in his arms that is everything I needed right at that moment.  He wonderful and I thank God he's in my life.

[Abigale]

When I was raped, at first I didn't remember or react.  Then I was depressed, then deeply angry, then deeply hopeless that I would feel happy again and then finally I had the nerve to decide that I wouldn't let my rapist own my still.

Since then I have decided to make a point of taking very good care of myself, if only physically, then I started therapy, and finally I have made dates with myself on a weekly basis to deal with my emotions and treat myself.  

It's hard, and it hurts like hell, but believe me there is life afterward, even happiness, and give yourself to the right to feel and react how you need to.  Obviously you are an incredibly strong woman, you can do get through this, please do not do it alone.  A large part of the reason that it took me so long to deal with my issues of the rape were because I kept it to myself for so long.  Gather good people around you.  

I will remember you in my prayers.  

[koukla29]

Do you know who these men are?  Can you make a report?  I don't think it's as easy as go back to normal.  You were violated and there needs to be consequence for these men.  In addition, I think you should get into counseling.  I cannot imagine what you are going through, however, I was once drugged like that.  I didn't get raped, but I think it was because I got so sick and I was vomiting - everywhere.  Actually, I think it might have been the only reason it stopped there.  That was a good 7 years ago, and to this day, I can't explain what happened - except that I was out with bad friends, young, and I must have put my drink down at some point.  

Take the time you need to heal.  This is about you.  If your relationship is meant to last, it will endure this.  My heart goes out to you BB.

[BBsGirl]

Thank you for your support.  I really appreciate it and hope you have come to a point where you have come to terms with your past.  Our past helps makes us who we are in life, but it doesn't make us who we've become.  Good luck to you and again thank you!

[BBsGirl]

Yes, I have been to the hosp. and had the full exam with pic's done.  I know for a fact that I was raped.  I became halfway cohearent twice, with two different people inside me (at different times) and one was choking me.  There are things that I remember very vividly and other things like how my clothes came off, or how I got into a bedroom in the first place, I fell asleep on the couch.  There are a lot of things that I just cannot remember.  When I did wake up not only did I feel like my body weighed 500lbs, but it was almost as if I was on the outside watching what happened and couldn't form any words to speak.  From the research I've been able to do so far, there are many different date rape drugs out there and some even are being home made.  So the effects are different, let alone effecting different people different.  But all that I read about seem to mess you up quickly, allow whoever to do whatever and leave fairly quickly as well.  I gotta go for now, but thanks for the quick response and hope to hear more ideas and questions tomorrow.  I wasn't sure if a site like this would help, but it feels comfortable so far.  Thanks!!!

[RockRose]

BBsGirl,  I think first you need to determine what happened.

Have you been to a rape clinic or emergency room to determine if you were in fact raped?  I don't know how long date rape drugs stay in the system and can be traced,  but maybe there's an answer for you there too.

Where did you wake up?  Were you in your own home,  or at a party,  or is there anyone else who could help you remember the specifics?

[bdoon]

I would let the anger fuel your retribution....your past will likely be to your advantage...you will get more than the typical response from law enforcement.

I wouldn't worry about your boyfriend...if he understands this is a crime of violence he will be your supporting cast. I had something simlar happen to me when I was 10 years old and never resolved it...couldn't... the perp died....it affected me my whole life and still does. Don't let this thing go unresolved. If it happened to my wife I would be with her all the way. What happened to you (and to me) is outside the normal population's range of experience so you will have to make the effort...no one will do it for you. I lived with my secret and still do and it is too late now. Don't let that happen to you.