My partner wanted to change his mind 2 days before our embryo transfer

[nowuz]

My partner wanted to change his mind 2 days before our embryo transfer, am I wrong to go have gone through with it? He said he felt pressured the whole time, even though he attended the fertility clinic to do all the samples and obvs the final sample when they collected my eggs.  Also as you know we had a load of paper work (consents etc) to go through and we had a consultation for 2 hours with the fertility nurses discussing all the regular details of the whole process.  I am 39 and he is 29 so I understood he wasn't as ready as I was but he knew all along I wanted children and never once implied he didn't, quite the opposite in fact.  I was working abroad when we met and eventually moved to the UK to be with him so I have given up a lot and came on the basis that we were on the same page in regards to wanting a family.  We have had unprotected sex for the last 3 years and so in doing that I too assumed he knew what the ramifications of that could lead too!  In the end after testing he had lower than average sperm morphology and motility and all of my results for my age were above average.  I wonder if he's dealing with this as well...??  I'm so confused, but in the end just a day before he said to go for it.  So I had his approval but I still know his heart isn't in it and now I'm afraid if we don't get a positive our relationship will be lost.  And if we do get a positive is he going to come around and be involved the way I want him to be in the bringing up of our child...
I'm now 6dpt 5dt Fresh ET
Thanks so much.  Good luck to you all!! x

[nowuz]

Hi AnnieBrooke
THanks for reply, he made it quite clear he wasn't ready but was doing it for me.  I made a sacrifice to leave the best salary I ever had, leave my family further away, and move countries to be with him, so I had made my sacrifice.  So in relation to that I was well aware but just didn't think he'd get quite so angry about it, he's chilled a lot now though, since all of this... However when we have the scan next week and hopefully see a heartbeat etc well then I'm afraid it's all going to get on top of him again.  He's not good facing things head on.  I agree he wasn't ready at this stage of his life for a child but I don't really have a choice it's now or never.  We could keep trying and see how we go but the chances are very small indeed.  Then what if he is ready in a couple of years?  We would prob have to use a donor egg and spend 1000s (which i know he wouldn't b keen on spending this sort of money on "chances").  This just seemed like the best opportunity for the best odds to make it happen.  
I want him to be part of my life and hopefully if this pregnancy succeeds then the baby's life too.  However if not then I know i have a very supportive family in my home country and am financially comfortable to raise a child.  I'll try my hardest not to let that happen but he needs to I think finally take responsibility for his actions in this.  I've empathised with him all I can and now I'm the one pregnant not able to tell any of his family here and be happy to share the news so far with them or himself (as he's not obvs happy).
Anyway thanks for ur thoughts on this appreciate ur input. :)

[AnnieBrooke]

Hm, well, he either suddenly woke up to the reality of what was happening, and spoke up honestly instead of just resenting the situation in his heart, which is admirable if a little bit late.  Or, he really was never on board in the first place and just thought it wouldn't happen or hoped it wouldn't, and all your chatter about babies was just that thing you talk about and we would cross that bridge when we come to it if it ever happens.  I don't think you were wrong to go ahead, you want a baby.  But it's clear that as of now, he doesn't have a baby as a primary item in his life agenda.  

If you do wind up pregs, he might step up as a dad, since he is responsible for making this one.  But I don't see him stepping up as a life partner, even if you gave up this and spent that and froze this and moved to wherever and the nurse said whatever when he was there.  Just because he knew all this didn't mean he asked you to do it.  The situation has now thrown a spotlight on the difference between hanging out, playing house and having lots of fun sex, and seriously wanting to be a responsible adult.  You might want to think that you telling him what you want and him not actively protesting meant he agreed, but if he had been equally fervent for a settled life and a child, he would have long ago pressed you to marry him, and he didn't.

I'm sorry.  I hope you do get your baby.  

[AnnieBrooke]

In other words, even if he never spoke up to the contrary, it does not mean he was saying he was eager to have a child. It probably means he didn't want to fight, or to rain on your parade, or for you to leave. Did you ever sit down and say to him, "In all seriousness, do you really, really want a child?" with you ready to face the answer whatever it was?  Probably not, because you wanted a child. A lot of women would push forward whether or not they were getting ambivalent vibes from their boyfriend, I'm not blaming you if you did.  Just saying perhaps this should not be that big of a surprise.

[specialmom]

I'm sorry he reacted this way right before transfer.  He sounds confused.  You very well may want a baby more than him but it was a little late to say he didn't want to do it 2 days before.  You'd already been through the process!!  I hope he works it out within himself.  That's a hard one.  Are you married or how long have you been a couple?

[nowuz]

We've been together since Jan 2014, no we aren't married, we have been living together for the last year since I moved countries to be with him.  I felt I needed to get a move on before I turned 40 this year and we were able to get funding from the health system here for the IVF so yes was all a bit rushed but I was completely transparent with him the whole way and explained that things would move quickly once it all started.  I had my eggs frozen last year in my home country as I was worried about my age and thought it would be good to have something in reserve.  He knew this and I spent a lot of money on the process so again would suggest I really wanted kids!
Thanks for listening... :)

[specialmom]

Okay, it sounds like you were always really honest with him about what you want and he went along with it.  Kind of unfair to change his mind last second.  I totally get where you are at.  At this point, I'd probably be selfish and make a baby happen.  I don't think I've ever recommended that before because I think a child needs a mom and dad to both want them . . .  however, this situation is a bit different.  I doubt you'd ever forgive him for wasting your chance to be a mother.  Had he said up front that he didn't want to be a dad, you'd have moved on as that was a top goal of yours.  You'd have found someone who wanted a child with you.  So, here you at an age in which having a child requires fertility treatment and ready to go and if you miss your chance, that might be IT and not happen for you at all . . .  how would you ever stay with him and be with him after that?  So, if you have your child . . .  he could become a fantastic father or not . . . but you get to be the mother you've always wanted to be.  Whew, that's advice, as I said, I never thought I'd give.  But many women have babies at your age with or without a man for the chance of motherhood.  And I could see you going for it now that you've gone this far.  hugs and do come back and let us know how it all unfolds!