Thank goodness I wasn't desperate for a response to relieve deep anxiety and pressue lol. Oh well...
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you urgently need to talk to someone because you are experiencing severe anxiety and pressure, please reach out to a mental health professional rather than relying on online forums for that level of support. As you know, the vast majority of questions posted in our forums receive responses, but we cannot guarantee that members will have words of advice for every situation. Here in our relationships forum, members often call on personal experience when offering advice, and if no one has had a similar experience, they may be unable to address your specific situation.
I'm sorry! It's summer in the states and things get hectic. This must have dropped lower before I saw it. Apologies in the delay of response. I think a bad relationship with the wrong person can be had by anyone so your reasons for entering it and the HOCD don't really make any difference. When we have a hard time getting over a relationship, therapy is often beneficial. Examining things like why we can't let it go. Why got into it in the first place. How we'll make sure not to repeat are all important. You probably should not date again until you are in a better place emotionally and more clear. Not fair to anyone you'd try and date to bring them into your confusion and distress now as you may not be fully yourself to give to the relationship. Something that anxiety does, by the way, is make things that others can deal with a little better or keep into perspective and makes them HUGE. Catastrophes. You certainly haven't ruined your life over this. Work romance can always go bad and that is why it's often a good rule of thumb not to mix personal romance with the work environment. But live in learn. I've had many relationships that really felt terrible when over and I did a lot of beating up of self . . . but I've realized years later that every person and experience you encounter teachers you things. Life experience. You'll know better next time, right?
But consider therapy and talking to your doctor. I think it would help you.
First, even though you did it with snark (understandably), I'm glad you bumped your question up. I'm sorry you dated a narc. It's a lousy experience, but it's definitely a learning one, and you can be better for it after. Stronger, for sure.
I would caution you to be careful with the words you choose. Everything is an extreme - you feel like you "ruined" your life, you feel "ashamed, disgusted and enraged". You think you put your "health and job in jeopardy and I cannot understand for the life of me why I did all of that. I feel stupid, disgusted, damaged and humiliated".
I say that because those are all really extreme reactions - specialmom uses the word "catastrophes", and if you haven't talked with a therapist about thinking distortions, definitely do that. Catastrophic thinking is one of them. Your life isn't ruined, your health is fine. You had some experiences that have been traumatizing, but you came out on the other side, stronger and smarter.
Why can't it be that you were in a bad place, made a questionable decision and ignored some red flags (and haven't we all at times), but realized how lousy this guy was and got out of it? Now you know not to do that, and know that boundaries are important.
You're good now. Revenge porn is illegal. If he releases anything, it might be hurtful for you for awhile, but you're stronger than you know - you've come this far, right? - but he can go to prison. He may be cruel, but I bet he isn't stupid.