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Narcissitic Husband

I need suggestions.  My husband and I have been married now for 15 years.  Over the last 5 years or so he has changed.  He has turned into a complete ass hole.  We have two kids, two cats and a dog.  He treats me like crap.  I honestly can't remember the last time he complimented me or even said something nice to me.  The kids see it, they know he is a jerk to me.  But I feel STUCK.  I can't afford to leave him.  There's no way I can afford to move myself, two kids and 3 animals out and pay all the bills.  I literally have NO WHERE to go.  I mean he is such a narcissist.  He literally talks down to me as well as the kids.  I'm no perfect angel by any means, I have attempted to buy myself happiness so to speak.  We have some financial debt that he does not know about.  And don't tell me to tell him, because i won't.....especially not while I'm still living in the same house as he is.  But it is to the point where the resentment is too far gone.  I can't stand to even be around him anymore.  I can't be myself.  I walk on egg shells.  When I have tried to talk to him about it and tell him how I am feeling, he just turns it all around and makes it my fault -- I am the one that is depressed, I am the one that isn't happy, etc..  When things are good with him and he's not in a mood, our relationship is great.  But I can honestly say 95% of the time he is pissed off about something.  He has a very stressful job, as do I, but do you think he ever considers how my day went?  No.  It's always about how he makes the most money and everything we have is his....as if I don't contribute to the income.  Sure, he makes 100k+/year and I only make 30k/year, but why does that make my worth any less than his?  And why does that make it ok for him to treat me like a piece of ****?  He doesn't think he does and he says it's all in my head.  It's obviously not or I wouldn't be feeling this way.  Ugh...  I just feel completely helpless right now because I am stuck living there.  I still have sex with him just to keep him happy....and i pretend to like it.  I don't.  He disgusts me.  I don't know if counseling is the answer.  He's been there done that with his ex-wife.  And that didn't workout so well.  I have no money to fall back on and no one to help financially.  I drive an older car that may not last many more years.  He's mentioned buying a new vehicle, but I refuse because of the debt we already have.  And because I don't want my name on anything else with him.  I really don't think this is fixable, but at the same time I have no back up plan....  Can anyone out there give me some suggestions?  Has anyone been in this situation and came out on the better side?  Anyone?
2 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there sweetie.  Lots of women living the same kind of life you are.  You aren't alone.  And I understand.  Wonder what happened with your husband? The first 10 years he was good to you and then it went downhill?  Is he angry about something in particular?  Did he take up drinking or substance abuse?  That can sometimes change a person's personality.  Truthfully, my husband sure has his A hole moments.  It's hard.  And we hope and pray we can (both us and our spouse) be good role models for our kids.  It's a shame he isn't thinking that way.  I'm so sorry about that.  Is he at ALL open to talking right now?  As in will he listen to anything you have to say?  He sounds to be hurting you and I am sending you a big cyber hug.  It stings.  And is infuriating.  But mostly just sad.  

The shopping.  I read that this is also common.  Don't beat yourself up but we'll problem solve to try to help you curb the habit.  And it is a habit.  I read that shopping when used as a band aid for our hurt, sadness, resentment and anger that it is like a dopamine hit.  We feel compelled to do it, get a brief high and then a low.  Just like a drug. And dang it if they didn't make it WAY too easy with online shopping.  What about trying no shop days?  And know the triggers and avoid?  Start there.  And put some toward the debt weekly.  That's hard but any amount to pay the bill saved on a weekly basis will help.  

So, what about a counselor JUST for you?  Not couples counseling at this time.  I'm not sure he is open to it.  Would be nice but he has to want to improve things for it to work.  Does he mention why he's turned into this angry spouse?

Also, start saving.  Have an envelope and take 10 dollars of your grocery money (or more if you can) and put it in the envelope.  Save ever single week.  Then you are getting spare cash in case you need it.  

Do you have any family?
3605625 tn?1385017548
OMG I could of written this myself!! I too am in the same situation, except we are not married, been together 9’years though. We have a 7 year old son together. He never married me, told me about a 1000 excuses on why he wouldn’t; he didn’t believe in it, I didn’t deserve it, I would take all his assests, I’ve been divorced before, etc etc the excuses list went on. He also tells me I’m crazy, pathetic, immature, he lies to me on his whereabouts and I have to live in the same house as him because of financial reasons and our son. He will make it so hard for me if I move out and said hes not letting me take our son with him. I’m stuck. I’m also so depressed I see no way out. I work, but if I move out I’ll be in financial hardship cause at the moment we have no mortgage.  All I can say is save every dollar you can, I am, and am working 6 days a week to save. I don’t have sex with him, I cut that out when we had out last fight 5 months ago when he told our son he’d never marry his mummy when our son questioned him on why we weren’t married. I couldn’t take it anymore.  We are separated but live in the same home. Get support from family and friends, tell them what’s going on, it really helps. Try and have your own life, see your friends and have fun. If you have a husband that talks to you, maybe you could tell him how you feel and sort things out? It’s so sad when a family falls apart, and even sadder when these men don’t see a good thing when they have it. Xx
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