Avatar universal

Need Help Understanding Whats going on...

Hello all. First off I'd like to start out by explaining my situation from start to finish. It's a long story but the details may help me find a solution to the problems and how I can help my girlfriend put her life back together. I believe the details may help better understand the situation and find the problem.

My girlfriend and I met 9 months ago, she is 33 years old and I am 25. I had just gotten out of the navy months prior to us meeting and was also separated from my ex wife at the time. At the time we had met she was going through a bit of depression and anxiety and was also pregnant with another man's child. Her parents had been pressuring her about getting married to the guy who had gotten her knocked up that it is the religious road to take even though he had abandoned her and the growing baby in her womb. They had no respect and a constant dislike and hate for me for no real reason since they had first found out her and I had started dating. It caused her depression to be even worse. They humiliated her and made her feel like an awful person for having a baby with someone and not keeping him around to marry him and give her baby a father completely ignoring the fact I was there doing my best for her. She even on multiple occasions wanted to hurt her parents for not being supportive and always being disappointed and said that she didn't want them to be at the birth. I, of course, trying to be the best guy I can be, insisted she repair her damaged relationship with her parents, if not only for her sanity and take pressure off all of her depression but also for her child's sake to have more than one set of grandparents.

As time went on, she eventually asked me to move in. At first I was hesitant to move in because I was in the process of getting a divorce still that my ex wife was fighting me on, and I hadn't found a job yet since I moved back into my home town area. She insisted that it would make it easier being winter so she and I wouldn't have to drive for 45 minutes through snow and increase risk of accidents while she was pregnant. I agreed but asked her what she felt about me not finding a job yet and she had told me as long as I tried it wouldn't be a problem. So I chose to move in. Her parents were doubly as hateful towards me after they found out I moved in with her, arguing that I had no job, that I was a loser and that I couldn't properly support her. It was true I had no job and had been trying but I don't believe it made me a bad person or incapable of supporting her in so many other ways. I spent the whole pregnancy supporting her emotionally, mentally, helping give her spiritual guidance in her moments of weakness and always loving and cherishing her. We had planned out names together and had one decided on. Then weeks before the birth she started acting strange, and a little distant at time. One day while visiting her parents, which she had finally started to repair her relationship with them, she mentioned that she was planning on naming the baby boy, Joseph. Which was not the name we decided on. I wasn't even asked what I thought. This whole time she had been asking me to be the father, telling me she wanted me to feel like I was part of the time of her life and made a difference. I didn't say anything though, it was her child, and I technically had no right to the baby as it wasn't biologically mine. I was there for the birth which was by far the most stressful time of my life, not just the pain and anxiety my girlfriend was going through but the tension her parents created between me and my own parents. My parents tried to extend their hands in friendship and support and these two literally ignored my parents as if they weren't even in the room. The whole time in the hospital, my girlfriend became disrespectful towards me and my parents. After the birth was over and the next few days got a little better, although I was last to hold Joey after her whole family had first dibs on holding him, she didn't put me on the birth certificate and her father wouldn't give him to me when I would come back up to the hospital after work until Sarah told him to. He fought me holding my own son. Weeks after the birth was stressful but we did ok. At first, Sarah wouldn't wake me up when Joey would cry, for weeks she would get up all through the night and let me sleep. Eventually I seen how it was affecting her and after a couple more weeks of persuading her she finally started waking me up. I fell in love with the baby, and seeing how depressed and sad Sarah looked all the time, I did my best to care for Joey so she could relax, everyday, I spent caring for our son, and doing the chores and more around the house so that all the basic stuff was taken care. After our son was three months old, I incidentally discovered messages between her and her abusive ex that was prior to her ex that had gotten her pregnant. She was "attempting" to be civil with even though she said she had no respect for him anymore since this guy had hit her, but wanted to be civil for work. Yet the messages I had read were personal and they were being emotional support for each other and at times, he bad mouthed me calling me names as well and she never defended me. I was upset and what was worse is she defended him and her rather than being up front that they had been talking so long without letting me know she even talked to him. It had turned out for three months they spoke since right before Joey was born and I had no clue. She eventually went back to work which put her in a worse state of depression than she already was. I ended up having an episode with PTSD and depression from everything feeling like it was going worse and the use of a xanax she gave me. I went into the PTSD psych ward for evaluation on my own accord and they cleared me after a couple days fit for society and told me to seek consoling and medication prescribed to help me deal with my hyper-vigilance and depression. The day before I was released she was there visiting and telling me how she'll be there and support me no matter what.

"I will continue my discussion in the thread as a post to it."
2 Responses
Avatar universal
The day I was released it was a different story. She didn't come and she didn't want me to come home anymore. I went to her house to wait for her to get back from an appointment she had made with a doctor. Her parents were pissed I was there and told me it's best I left for everyone's safety. Sarah got home and we talked for about an hour and she eventually agreed to let me stay saying I needed to change my **** that I had been doing something wrong in our relationship and it was hurting her. But she couldn't really tell me what, just that I needed to change and help out around the house more. I felt like I did everything all day and all week every day and week. I even went out of my way to prepare special nights for her when she would come home from work like bubble baths and massages all while taking care of our son and the house. At this point I lost the one job I found because it was a seasonal flower job and still couldn't find anything else. I had a large list of skills from my time in service yet no one was calling me back for work. Eventually weeks later, things had gotten worse, no matter how hard I tried... I went above more than anyone I've really seen do anymore now days to make her comfortable and happy. but she was even further away from me and her son. She didn't feel like a mother and kept telling me she wasn't in love anymore. She had been diagnosed with PPD from her previous visit to the doctor yet I feel they may not really know how extensive it was. Her entire mentality was far different than who I knew months ago. She broke up with me and I stayed in for a week and we kept getting into fights when I tried to pressure her to seek help or get her son back from her parents, and so on. She even went as far as revealing and admitting that she believed things her parents convinced her of that I was the devil and an evil plague on her life, and the very reason she felt so depressed and lonely and hateful towards her parents in  the beginning of our relationship. I was heart broken, she then wanted to give custody to her parents because they said it would be best convincing her she isnt fit to be a mother.

It has been two weeks now since we had broken up and I had to move my things out over night because her parents threaten to call the cops if I wasn't out that night. I moved enough **** in one night to fill up half a home, furniture, two whole rooms full of things I've gained and gathered over the years. Forced out on my ***, moved back into my parents house and to restart my job hunt from the start. I lost my chance at school because I failed out trying to focus on helping her through all of this and to support her and not focusing on school. she told me things that were wrong like that I didn't have a stable job, or my divorce isn't over yet and her hormones are funky and she thinks its the best reason we break up. I have a job lined up working for State Farm near her house starting in October. My divorce is weeks away from being over, now that my soon to be ex wife has finally signed the papers. So I dont understand why she says she feels like its still best. It feels like a lot of the time it's her making excuses to keep me away, but at the same time, she'll tell me she still loves me and misses me and wishes I was there with her. She leaves her son at her parents house all week except for on the weekends she picks him up and brings him home for two days. She still doesn't feel like she is his mother. She hates that I now can speak up and defend myself against her parent's accusations and tells her that her parents are half her reason for the state she is in, and she can't tell me why she hated them so much before I got with her, and in fact actually blamed me for her hate towards them, that I brought evil into her life(her parents manipulation, obviously). Her parents during the break up yelled at me and told me they don't have to explain themselves to me, that I was controlling and manipulating her since the beginning and it makes me wonder if that was also something they tried to put in her head. They asked her to give up custody to them to be safe. Now when we talk, she wants to be friends with benefits. and just last night she and I decided to casually start dating and see how things go and if we can both get our things in life in order we can see about making things happen again. But even with that, she seemed hesitant and doesn't want anyone to know we are dating. It feels like I'm being put into the deck as a Just in case scenario, but I also am afraid she is going through some severe form of Postpartum Depression that has only been made worse by her parents and their downgrading and unforgiving remarks all of the time. I am madly in Love with her, and I'm willing to make sacrifices for the time being to make things work and to make her happy, but in the end I'm terrified that maybe this isn't PPD and maybe it's something else, and she is trying to play me like a fool. I'm afraid I dont know and can't see the facts in front of me because I'm blinded for how I care for her. I hope someone has some helpful insight that may shed some light and give me an outside opinion on what I can do to help her, but myself as well.
Avatar universal
Sorry for the long story... I just felt that the best answer I can get is after someone knows most of the facts.
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
For people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), the COVID-19 pandemic can be particularly challenging.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Here’s how your baby’s growing in your body each week.
These common ADD/ADHD myths could already be hurting your child