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5696127 tn?1381089797

Need help with my relationship. Should I break up?

Hi everyone. I know a girl since 8 years ago, she is one our relatives somehow. 4 years ago she got married and divorced after a short while
at that time I broke up with my ex-girlfriend because of some problems we had. The girl that I mentioned earlier came to me and
asked me to be with her and I accept it. I fell in love with her but after 2 months she left me because of another man, she
told me over and over that she wasn't seeing another man but finally it came out that she was. After about one year she came back to
me again and I accepted her again and again she left after 2 weeks and I found out she is dating another guy. And it happened again last year, I
am not sure that she was dating another man last year or not but her behavior was too bad and she didn't respect me at all.
So we broke up after one her bad behaviors and I didn't call her or texted her for 11 months.
1 month ago she came to me and told me nice words like you are the best man I ever known, I can't think about anyone else except you
and so on. We made out that night I really missed her even I worked hard on myself that I won't accept her but I did.
Now after 4 weeks she started to say bad things, like you call me too many times everyday(I did know she will say that because
we had problems over this in our previous relationships with each other, so I just called her 3 times a day), or you are treating me so well and she told me
to not call her as my love or darling or any other romantic words, she did tell me yesterday that I try to make fun of her in family meetings (it's not true I always
support her and I always try to help her in her challeges), I realized she is making a scene to broke up with me somehow that I won't leave her and be her friend
not boy friend. She told me she doesn't want to broke up but she likes a relationship without romantic parts, with no calling or texting and with her stupid rules.

We both are 30 years old now, do you think it's a healthy and good relationship? I'm thinking to break up with her tonight because I know she told me those words
just because she doesn't love me, she barely text me or call me to check if I'm okay or not, she doesn't get worried about me even she didn't have any news about me.

I really looking forward to your comments to help me with this situation.
Best wishes and thanks.
7 Responses
973741 tn?1342346373
COMMUNITY LEADER
Good question and I can see why you are asking it. You two have had quite a history.  In all sincerity, I think it is time to end this.  It's been ongoing and is perhaps stopping you from finding a stable relationship in your life.  She has all the power and you take her back time and time again when she really shows you through her actions that she is not reliable, interested in the same things you are in life (IE: a normal relationship), and that she can and WiLL cheat.  I don't think you'll ever find long term happiness with her.  The fantasy part wears off very quickly, doesn't it, once you get back together.  The reality is that this is not a good relationship.  

You can have chemistry and feelings for someone and not have it be a good relationship to stay in.  You have to be smart about this and recognize that. You can even love her and know you  need to walk away.  You deserve a woman that wants to consistently be with you, wants to talk to you, etc.  If you are too clingy by nature, work on it.  You, obviously, have to have a life outside of your romantic one and can't be overly dependent.  Or controlling of the other person. BUT, this is different.  This is a woman who says she wants to have a relationship without the romantic part. What is that?  What does that mean?  You sound like you want a normal relationship and this will never be one.  So, don't waste any more time with this.  
1 Comments
Thanks a lot, I did it last night and now she is trying to bond again, It's very hard.
3060903 tn?1398568723
There are Relationships (those that your girl has with many different men) or Commited Relationships.
com·mit·ted
/kəˈmidəd/
Learn to pronounce
adjective
feeling dedication and loyalty to a cause, activity, or job; wholeheartedly dedicated.

Your girl wants the first of the two, and you want the latter. This means that you are incompatible for a Satisfactory Relationship in your eyes. You want two different things, currently which are Directly Opposed meaning, "Opposed to someone or something:opposed, opposing, hostile... things that are opposed are as different from each other as it is possible to be. two directly opposed concepts."

This is why the hostility that your girl shows you during the relationship and upon ending it.

Yes, she can "love" you - to the extent that she personally is capable. It might look something like a 2/10 to you sometimes, because it is 80% lacking of what you need.

You MUST let this go before you can find another girl that you can begin to work on a relationship with.

You MUST let it go FOREVER, if you WISH to find a girl that you ARE compatible with. The reason is this....

A women will find out that you always go back to the ex.  Your new interest will always worry if you would go back to your ex... and perhaps believe that you might be cheating with your ex. Your ex sounds like she Might Be fast and easy, so it's not beyond the realm of possibilty that you are UNABLE to say NO to her, that you might just CHEAT whenver she decides (your ex that is) want to "check you out" "hang for a bit". Your ex is good at casual relationships it seems, and WOULD be a THREAT to a new love prospect.

Long Story Short? If you continue to have this women in your life, if you are not able to sever ties with her, you will never be truly trusted in a long term, meaningful, committed relationship. In my honest opiniong, that is.

Please talk about this as much as you feel the need. Don't lose touch with people that understand what's going on (you've been so clear here, so thank you for that) and want to help.

Perhaps meditating on the subject will help. I always think more clearly when i look down at myself and my situation from somewhere above the emotions that play out in our daily human existence.  Bless you every day friend.




3060903 tn?1398568723
"A watershed moment is a turning point, the exact moment that changes the direction of an activity or situation. A watershed moment is a dividing point, from which things will never be the same. It is considered momentous, though a watershed moment is often recognized in hindsight."

Please consider that your precise ability to see the reality of your situaiton based on past history are your "watershed moments" and that now this EVENT that you have chosen to take, to put it out there for everyone to see and help you CHANGE what has become for you, a very unsatisfactory STATUS QUO - IS your watershed event.

This IS the BEST time for you to deal with the hard part of being an adult. Saying Goodbye to those you love that are not good for you. I've done it with my whole family of origin so have many others, if it helps you to understand you are not the only one that is dealing with having to say A FINAL AND FOREVER NO TO THE CODEPENDENCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP OF WHICH YOU SPEAK.

co·de·pend·en·cy
/ˌkōdəˈpendənsē/
Learn to pronounce
noun
EXCESSIVE EMOTIONAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL RELIANCE ON A PARTNER WHO IS NOT GOOD FOR US
typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.
"the tie that binds most of us together in this trap called codependency"

Maybe if you were to be able to label your ex as having an illness that disallows her to be committed in a relationship to one person, would help you immensely rise above and see that you must take the action to stop this roller coaster; shake it off and look for a woman that is better suited to you.

If you are no longer ruled by your emotions, you'll be able to plan to get out there and meet a nice girl that you can spend your life with, happily.


1 Comments
Life is about learning from our experiences., so please, don't fall for any woman that shows interest, make sure that you've learned the hard lesson that this break up SHOULD teach you - If you continue on the wrong road, you must walk all the way back to the right one , in other words, remember the hurt that you will have to manage from the break up and be SUPER CAREFUL NOT TO GIVE YOUR HEART TO SOMEONE UNWORTHY.  You might think that this is a great girl cuz she get's your heart racing, but she's not a great girlfriend by any means. I think for you , it might be wise for you to talk to start to see a therapist for awhile, because you threw away 8 YEARS on something that was obviously the wrong choice., and you may need help to reset your expectations, so that you are not used again, Be careful going back to this women, she'll use you up and break any confidence you may have.  Please consider a therapist to help you heal and stay focussed on the long term.
3060903 tn?1398568723
We're here to support you. Don't be a stranger.
9 Comments
You already know you need to break up because you have broken through the denial stage of a bad relationship.
Thanks a lot for your comprehensive answer, I'm passing too bad days right now, thanks for being here for people like me.
I will talk to you later. again thanks
One thing though, upon further reflection... I wouldn't like being called "sweetheart" or "darling" daily for sure, it would be uncomfortable for me to have to say that to my significant other ... sometimes less is more - my late husband called me sweetheart occassionally and i think it meant more to me that he did , maybe a clue as to your own part in your relationship not being totally viable.  I think you probably need to slow down and take more time creating emotional bonds by doing stuff with your partner , rather than possibly? saying these words to convince yourself and her that you have what most couples have to build over continuous time by living with a person.  Are you relying too much on trite sayings that elude to a relationship that doesn't need more work by both parties?
OOPS INSTEAD OF "to build over continuous time by living with a person.  Are you relying too much on trite sayings that elude to a relationship that doesn't need more work by both parties?"

WHAT  I MEANT WAS....... Most couples have to live together continuously in peace for a long time before these names feel appropriate - in my opinion.. Your using those pet names when your relationship obviously needs work is inappropriate. Once you've satten down with her and you both agree to work on the relationship does it become a more viable option (that is to refer to each other by pet names).

I think your gfriend may not be at that stage in her own development possibly... could be working out stuff in her own life - which to her takes precedence over , maybe, any relationship ,

So, don't take it personally that you and her are not compatible at this time...
Go out and make some friends, including women friends that you are not, could not and would not attach to in a romantic way....

are you one of these guys that can have female friends because you attach emotionally to every women you meet?

We are programmed to get with a partner - it's our survival instinct kicking in, but in these day of enlightenment (within the online communy), it allows for us to work on things within ourselves, because people have been where you are and feel they can help you maybe see things that you too are doing that are not in your favour.

Liz
OOPS AGAIN >>> a guy who can't have female friends cuz horniness takes over, every time lol
I guess what i'm saying is this, because you and this girl were not platonic, you can't rely upon her friendship when times get hard. In other words, having good friends in your life will provide you with emotional stability because it is not based on a sexual romantic relationship. Maybe it would be best for you to work on that angle?
Please get out there and make some more associations , be the leader in planning fun things to do, be the "good idea guy" - see the city in which you live as a tourist and go and do stuff regularly including others, that you might meet along the way. Don't let this undermine your confidence in yourself. Compartmentalize your romantic life and work on enjoying your time peacefully , your heart ache will catch up and all will be well for the first time in 8 years for you it seems. START OVER AND LET GO OF FANTASIES, the real thing awaits you but you gotta be cool (don't be too eager, write a list of what you want in a women / stick to it / realize that women have their own expectations.

You have to look at the woman's situation, and read the cues... For instance with your ex = someone that knows this girl more than you - is aware that she is not ready to make a commitment perhaps because she has not the best version of herself to put forward and she's looking for a GREAT PARTNERSHIP, that might be the reality

Are you ready to build a romantic relationship in all of it's aspects - you  can google it and get some good insight.

Be like a Iceberg and have a strong foundation beneath you and you will not be easily rattled.
You will learn to be more pragmatic in all areas of your life so as to not waste your energy and years to something that has no hope of becoming union of the  THE BEST OF BOTH INDIVIDUALS

Now, you're energy is not being drained in a bad relationship now and that is a good thing, please get into meditation. I'll message you with the link to one i really like.

Feel better, and remember, nows the time for a few extra sweets. Be good to yourself.

Please get out there and make some more associations , be the leader in planning fun things to do, be the "good idea guy" - see the city in which you live as a tourist and go and do stuff regularly including others, that you might meet along the way. Don't let this undermine your confidence in yourself. Compartmentalize your romantic life and work on enjoying your time peacefully , your heart ache will catch up and all will be well for the first time in 8 years for you it seems. START OVER AND LET GO OF FANTASIES, the real thing awaits you but you gotta be cool (don't be too eager, write a list of what you want in a women / stick to it / realize that women have their own expectations.

You have to look at the woman's situation, and read the cues... For instance with your ex = someone that knows this girl more than you - is aware that she is not ready to make a commitment perhaps because she has not the best version of herself to put forward and she's looking for a GREAT PARTNERSHIP, that might be the reality

Are you ready to build a romantic relationship in all of it's aspects - you  can google it and get some good insight.

Be like a Iceberg and have a strong foundation beneath you and you will not be easily rattled.
You will learn to be more pragmatic in all areas of your life so as to not waste your energy and years to something that has no hope of becoming union of the  THE BEST OF BOTH INDIVIDUALS

Now, you're energy is not being drained in a bad relationship now and that is a good thing, please get into meditation. I'll message you with the link to one i really like.

Feel better, and remember, nows the time for a few extra sweets. Be good to yourself.

In answer to the above question, YES< you're going to have to break up and say "NO to her coming back for even a booty call -

or risk being used physically once in a while and keeping you totally unbalanced in your life and unable to make it it the safe ground of a good relationship.  Your Choice.
Dear Nighthawk61 thanks a lot for your profound answer, I'm planing to have a talk with her and tell her how she tortured me all these years. I love her so much but I can't live like it anymore, I'm wasting my energy and my time over nothing. But it is not fair to just leave her she must know what she did.
134578 tn?1546634665
I agree with the others. She is not in love with you, she just uses you when she is feeling down. And she is manipulative of your feelings, which at the very least, is unkind of her. You don't need this in your life. Don't let her accusations of lack of support manipulate you or hook you either. Walk away, no more involvement with her at all.
8 Comments
Thanks my friend.
Please understand, I feel for your desire to find love. But this person will not give you anything but pain in the end. Please stay away from the woman who is only using you, in order to clear your life for someone much nicer.
I know but I don't know why I can't stop thinking about her.
I'm too depressed, I don't do anything useful these days, just wasting my time.
Probably you can't stop thinking about her because it was exciting back when you believed her act. But she is trying to keep you hooked now while not really meaning it. Try taking a weekend trip, or changing your routine in some other way, or getting more exercise, or asking someone new to have coffee. You can get past this manipulation.
Thanks again and again. We spoke yesterdays, mostly she did.
She fell 2 days ago and her parents took her to hospital and her mom called me with a strange cause (I think she just wanted me with her and that's why told her mother to call me).
After doctors told us she is okay and she went back home, I visited her that night with a big flower basket, but she texted me yesterday that she has too many problems and she does not want to be intimate with any boy and because she likes me she wants me to hang out sometimes.
I told her when she got better we will have a talk.
I don't know what to do. she is relative and I will see her eventually.
Seeing her eventually is not the same as being compelled to hang out, and what is the deal with the flower basket? Do you take flowers to every girl who strings you along? If so, learn to stand up for your own self emotionally. You need a more sane girlfriend.
Wow, I agree with all of this.

No matter what she wants, it can't feel good to go back and forth like this.

I get it - you want someone, and you feel love for her. You want what you think you can have with her if only she stops doing what she is doing. You have hope.

But she hasn't shown any signs that she wants those things, that she will stop going back and forth. You sound like you have fallen in love with who you think she can be, not who she is.

I know it's hard, but every day you spend wishing she will change is a day you miss finding the person who is right for you. If you see her at family events, that's okay - you need to heal from this and become stronger and someone who won't accept this.

There are people who will love you in healthy, wonderful ways. It's okay that she isn't one of them. You WILL find someone who will.
I'm completely lost and desperate, I can't sleep well, I wake up with something like anxiety every day, I can't focus on anything, pray for me.
Avatar universal
I know how you feel hun. You are in love with her. I know that gut wrenching feeling. It feels as if you'd rather die than live without her. And in your head you are probably justifying every reason just to call her and be with her whenever necessary.
But as a woman let me explain to you what she is doing. She is stringing you along, just so she is not single. But when another opportunity arises she will dump you as fast as possible for another guy. Knowing that she has someone to be her puppet makes her feel powerful, desired, pretty.
And the only way to get over this is time. Time and patience. Be alone for a while and find a hobby. After awhile you will start resenting her, getting annoyed by her till the point you won't want anything to do with her! And when you start seeing another girl trust me, this one will only fade to background.
However I agree with other commenters, girls will be scared of getting too involved with you if they knew how clingy you were to this girl. There is nothing that threatens a girl more than an ex girlfriend who has (or had) so much sway over your man. You don't want that. You don't want to lose potential love interest and life partner over lying, cheating, manipulative person such as this girl. Cut her lose. Avoid her if you have to. You will know the things are better when the time comes and you notice you weren't thinking about her for an hour, then 3 hours, then half a day. After a while she will be just a fading memory, and a bad one and let her be that.
3 Comments
well said ...TL
Thanks dear TruthLady
Your words are true, unfortunately I see her 2 or 3 times a week as she is one of my relatives. I know she doesn't love me back, but I have to find a way to not thinking about her.
I'm thinking about talking with her and tell her all sufferings she gave me these years.
She already knows and she doesn't care. If you tell her everything that's on your mind it won't change a thing, she still won't care. She will make up some lie to make you feel comfortable and unable to cut her off. Women are good with those words.
Also i know this is a cultural thing, but the fact you two are related doesn't encourage you even more to not pursue her in romantic way? There are thousands of women who you can clique with who do not share your genetic material, and this results in more healthy offspring. Even though she is your cousin you can still avoid her. Find some friends that are just yours and start going out with them. Confide in them, tell them everything that's on your mind and they will tell you the same thing.
Also the minute you start ignoring her and avoiding her she will get more clingy trying to win yoi back cause young women are weird that way. They like to pine for guys who treat them like ****. (ofc I'm talking out of my own experiences and musings, not talking for entire female gender here. Also guys also tend to do the same, just look at your case)
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