Good question and I can see why you are asking it. You two have had quite a history. In all sincerity, I think it is time to end this. It's been ongoing and is perhaps stopping you from finding a stable relationship in your life. She has all the power and you take her back time and time again when she really shows you through her actions that she is not reliable, interested in the same things you are in life (IE: a normal relationship), and that she can and WiLL cheat. I don't think you'll ever find long term happiness with her. The fantasy part wears off very quickly, doesn't it, once you get back together. The reality is that this is not a good relationship.
You can have chemistry and feelings for someone and not have it be a good relationship to stay in. You have to be smart about this and recognize that. You can even love her and know you need to walk away. You deserve a woman that wants to consistently be with you, wants to talk to you, etc. If you are too clingy by nature, work on it. You, obviously, have to have a life outside of your romantic one and can't be overly dependent. Or controlling of the other person. BUT, this is different. This is a woman who says she wants to have a relationship without the romantic part. What is that? What does that mean? You sound like you want a normal relationship and this will never be one. So, don't waste any more time with this.
There are Relationships (those that your girl has with many different men) or Commited Relationships.
Learn to pronounce
feeling dedication and loyalty to a cause, activity, or job; wholeheartedly dedicated.
Your girl wants the first of the two, and you want the latter. This means that you are incompatible for a Satisfactory Relationship in your eyes. You want two different things, currently which are Directly Opposed meaning, "Opposed to someone or something:opposed, opposing, hostile... things that are opposed are as different from each other as it is possible to be. two directly opposed concepts."
This is why the hostility that your girl shows you during the relationship and upon ending it.
Yes, she can "love" you - to the extent that she personally is capable. It might look something like a 2/10 to you sometimes, because it is 80% lacking of what you need.
You MUST let this go before you can find another girl that you can begin to work on a relationship with.
You MUST let it go FOREVER, if you WISH to find a girl that you ARE compatible with. The reason is this....
A women will find out that you always go back to the ex. Your new interest will always worry if you would go back to your ex... and perhaps believe that you might be cheating with your ex. Your ex sounds like she Might Be fast and easy, so it's not beyond the realm of possibilty that you are UNABLE to say NO to her, that you might just CHEAT whenver she decides (your ex that is) want to "check you out" "hang for a bit". Your ex is good at casual relationships it seems, and WOULD be a THREAT to a new love prospect.
Long Story Short? If you continue to have this women in your life, if you are not able to sever ties with her, you will never be truly trusted in a long term, meaningful, committed relationship. In my honest opiniong, that is.
Please talk about this as much as you feel the need. Don't lose touch with people that understand what's going on (you've been so clear here, so thank you for that) and want to help.
Perhaps meditating on the subject will help. I always think more clearly when i look down at myself and my situation from somewhere above the emotions that play out in our daily human existence. Bless you every day friend.
"A watershed moment is a turning point, the exact moment that changes the direction of an activity or situation. A watershed moment is a dividing point, from which things will never be the same. It is considered momentous, though a watershed moment is often recognized in hindsight."
Please consider that your precise ability to see the reality of your situaiton based on past history are your "watershed moments" and that now this EVENT that you have chosen to take, to put it out there for everyone to see and help you CHANGE what has become for you, a very unsatisfactory STATUS QUO - IS your watershed event.
This IS the BEST time for you to deal with the hard part of being an adult. Saying Goodbye to those you love that are not good for you. I've done it with my whole family of origin so have many others, if it helps you to understand you are not the only one that is dealing with having to say A FINAL AND FOREVER NO TO THE CODEPENDENCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP OF WHICH YOU SPEAK.
Learn to pronounce
EXCESSIVE EMOTIONAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL RELIANCE ON A PARTNER WHO IS NOT GOOD FOR US
typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.
"the tie that binds most of us together in this trap called codependency"
Maybe if you were to be able to label your ex as having an illness that disallows her to be committed in a relationship to one person, would help you immensely rise above and see that you must take the action to stop this roller coaster; shake it off and look for a woman that is better suited to you.
If you are no longer ruled by your emotions, you'll be able to plan to get out there and meet a nice girl that you can spend your life with, happily.
We're here to support you. Don't be a stranger.
I agree with the others. She is not in love with you, she just uses you when she is feeling down. And she is manipulative of your feelings, which at the very least, is unkind of her. You don't need this in your life. Don't let her accusations of lack of support manipulate you or hook you either. Walk away, no more involvement with her at all.
I know how you feel hun. You are in love with her. I know that gut wrenching feeling. It feels as if you'd rather die than live without her. And in your head you are probably justifying every reason just to call her and be with her whenever necessary.
But as a woman let me explain to you what she is doing. She is stringing you along, just so she is not single. But when another opportunity arises she will dump you as fast as possible for another guy. Knowing that she has someone to be her puppet makes her feel powerful, desired, pretty.
And the only way to get over this is time. Time and patience. Be alone for a while and find a hobby. After awhile you will start resenting her, getting annoyed by her till the point you won't want anything to do with her! And when you start seeing another girl trust me, this one will only fade to background.
However I agree with other commenters, girls will be scared of getting too involved with you if they knew how clingy you were to this girl. There is nothing that threatens a girl more than an ex girlfriend who has (or had) so much sway over your man. You don't want that. You don't want to lose potential love interest and life partner over lying, cheating, manipulative person such as this girl. Cut her lose. Avoid her if you have to. You will know the things are better when the time comes and you notice you weren't thinking about her for an hour, then 3 hours, then half a day. After a while she will be just a fading memory, and a bad one and let her be that.