New to Casual Dating - Help!

[Elmoman]

I've been out of the dating scene for a while and started up with a friend of about a year last weekend.  We went out for drinks, had sex, then spent most of the next day together.  We had a good time, and she basically told me that we should "just let it be what it is," and that maybe we'd do it again. But there were some mixed messages too.  She said she wasn't seeing anyone else, that it had been a while for her since she had had sex.  She seemed to really like me - we talked about relationships and sex - she's very comfortable with her sexuality.  She wanted to hold my hand while we were walking around (which she didn't need to do if this was just a hookup).  She also told me that she has a hard time being vulnerable, but that she's working on it.

Anyway, I waited a few days to call her and I left her a message saying basically Hi, I was just wondering how you're doing, and call me sometime.  She didn't return my call, and I've been going a little crazy trying to understand why she would choose not to.  I know she's not thinking of me as her boyfriend, but with the good time we had, I really thought I would get more from her than radio silence.  I only called her yesterday, but you know, the way everybody always carries their cell with them - it seems pretty intentional that she didn't call back.

I really like this chick, and even if things didn't get serious, I'd love to see her again - she had a great attitude about sex, and I can really use that. But I've never really had a casual sex relationship with anybody - when I date someone I usually think of them as my girlfriend.  I'm sensitive (as you may guess by reading this), and affectionate.  So my question is about how to handle it.  The last thing I want is to get all heavy on her - something I can tell she probably wouldn't like.  But I also feel a little peeved that she wouldn't even call me back and say "Hey, it was a casual thing - we can't have a relationship," you know?  I really understand how women feel when they don't get a call back - not knowing one way or the other about how someone feels about you is harder than hearing that they aren't that into you, and it makes you do a lot of second guessing.

So I'd love some feedback, particularly if you have experience with casual dating.  How does casual dating work?  

[shakes his head a little confused].

[Elmoman]

You're right -- I do need to be me.  And I also need to take this for what it is.  So far, it's low committment, and I do have a tendency to plunge in.  When i was growing up, a kiss meant you were dating.  Now that I'm a bit older, sex doesn't necessarily mean that.  

I like her, and I'd like to get to know her, but I think I need to be patient.  That's hard, because we attend the same school, and we'll be graduating in a year, so I figure we may go separate ways soon.  This means we have year left, and I'd like to enjoy it by having fun and being with her.  She's expressed that she's interested, but she has no expectations.  That's a little hard for me; when you really like someone, it's tough not to think about all that it could be, and to try to make it look like you want it to.

But I guess if it ever will be anything more than casual, it will only come with time.  So for now, I'm going to enjoy myself (with her or without her), and be with her when we feel like it.    

[Creampuffy]

The phrase "casual dating" brings up the image of window shopping to me, something you do because you are not ready to make a purchase . Maybe you actually go in and sit on that sofa or try on those clothes, but you know you will leave empty handed.......because you were just window shopping.

When I was young.........a million years ago, that phrase didn't even exist. A date was just that, you went out with someone to a movie or whatever and then went home to bed.........alone. You went on dates with the hope to meet the person you would  marry.

Yet in all honesty,  when all was said and done, I still ended up marrying the wrong person for me. But.......there was nothing casual about it. :)

Just a thought for you Elmo, you may call this casual dating but if you contract a sexual disease in the process by dating other casual daters you will not feel so casual about that I think.

You sound like a man who has lots to offer a woman, don't sell yourself short Elmo.

[specialmom]

Hm.  I have two things I need to ask you.  First, do you often jump in ---------WAY in-----  when you start dating someone?  Sometimes people have a tendancy to take relationships from 0 to 10 right away and these often burn right out after a bit of time.  Relationships are suppose to build.  I ask that because I don't know how much you want to have contact with her right off the bat.  

This is important to think about and will require a tiny bit of soul searching on your part.  When someone really really wants a relationship-----------  they often quickly turn whatever situation they are in to be like a relationship.  Problem is, the emotional groundwork isn't there so it fizzles out.  So if you have a history of this-----------  then you'll want to address that.

My second question is-----------  okay, it isn't a question.  Games don't work.  Don't play hard to get.  Clearly you want to date her.  I think you need to be realistic that she has told you she doesn't want a relationship and is seeing you on her terms-------- it is what it is.  Don't pretend though that you are unavailable to her.  Be yourself.  She'll like you or not--------  but present who you are if you want this to have any chance.

And, if there is someone else that you are interested in having a date with such as coffee or something like that, ask them out.  I'm sure she has not decided that she will date no one else at this point if someone she is attracted to asks.  Doesn't mean she'll have sex with him or that she doesn't like you-----------  but she is being casual.  Casual means she is open to whatever.  I guess you should be as well.  

But be yourself and give this time to develop.  Good luck

[Elmoman]

Quick update:  so I'm learning that just because we don't talk on the phone doesn't mean that she isn't interested.  We text each other, which isn't as nice as talking,but she's sent me a few messages indicating that she misses me, is thinking of me, etc.  This makes a huge difference.  I don't need to be showered with attention, but it helps to know that when we're apart, she doesn't just forget that i exist.  That would be too casual for me!

My one concern is that her distance has kept me from contacting her as often, or as personally as I otherwise would.  Sometimes I think about calling/texting her, and I have to think through whether or not to actually hit the send button (and sometimes I end up deleting the whole thing without sending it.  Will she think I'm obsessing over her? (I'm not)  Will she be more interested in me if I'm not quite so available?  It's like that scene in "Swingers" where all the guys compare how many days they wait before calling a girl so that they won't seem too eager.  Sounds silly as I write it, but it doesn't feel to me like casual dating is for sensitive, thin-skinned people.  

[Elmoman]

Thanks for your thoughts.  Here's a little follow up:

About the time I was pretty frustrated with it all (two days later), she texted me, saying essentially, "Geez I hope you didn't think that i was avoiding you.  I worked a lot the last two days and I'm pretty exhausted."  It felt good, but I tempered my enthusiasm, because how much energy does it take to text a quick reply, even when you're pretty busy?

Since then we talked via text (not as good as a phone call, but still nice), and she's been sweet and indicated that she's been thinking about me, wanting to cuddle,etc.  So I guess I feel like I need to relax a little.  It's taken all my self-control to not ask/text her "Hey, you'd tell me if you didn't want me to call anymore, wouldn't you?"  I just decided that it would sound needy and invite her to feel pressured. I'm guessing I'll ask her about it next time we're together, but I think for now it'll have to wait.  If it sounds like I really like this woman, then you're hearing me right.

Anyway, since you brought it up, I don't think she's out there with other men.  Cant be sure, of course, but as casual about it as she is, she made it clear that she doesn't jump from bed to bed and that she isn't seeing anyone else.

I really do feel for women who never get a call from someone that they like.  It's worse than being told, "hey, it was a one-time thing - I can't see you."  Because at least then you know.  So for now, I'm trying to focus a little more on myself while we're apart - because you can't put your life on hold for others.  In some ways, casual dating may be a good way to work on my confidence and keep me from getting too wrapped up in another person.  But yes, I think you guys are right - there is always the potential to get hurt.  I'll try to keep that in mind.  

[specialmom]

I think rockrose gave you great advice here.  

I think if you are a 'relationship' kind of guy, you should seek a 'relationship' kind of girl.  It may not turn into one but---------  neither person is saying that they don't want it to be as she is indicating to you.  And remember her 'cool' casual sex attitude does not go for just you . . .  that is her attitude in general about it.  That would go for any other guy she is casually seeing right now too.  Makes it a lot less sexy when you think about that, doesn't it?  

I don't think we should try to move relationships along too fast-----------  but I think this has the potential to lead to your getting hurt.  

Try to find someone that is interested in actually dating.  Ask them out and have a real date.  Hold off on sex immediately if you can.  I personally think sex too early can mess up some other key aspects to getting to know someone.  It moves a relationship to an intimate level that emotionally the people involved aren't ready for.  But yes, I know, that takes self control.  So, do your best with that.  

She very well could like you but not enough to call you immedately back.  She's either busy with other things (but when I was into someone and wanted a weekend date with them, I'd have picked up the phone or returned that call) or playing a game (and who needs that?  It is immature.).  

Okay, good luck.  You sound like a nice guy and I hope you meet someone to be with to appreciate that.

[RockRose]

The problem Elmo - is that there aren't rules for casual dating and unconnected sex.  You're kind of out there forced to make up all your own rules when you go that route.

You're stuck in a ruleless relationship.  : (    

In my experience,  in couples who have casual sex,  both of the people in the couple don't feel the same casual way about the whole thing - and that describes the two of you.  She's terribly casual,  you're not so much,  so you're stuck in a position of total powerlessness.  You're in a position where you can't even express frustration for fear of breaking the commitment not to commit.

I wouldn't do it.  Sex is the most intimate act you can have,  and people who want it to be casual and meaningless - in my opinion - are emotionally crippled.

You're not emotionally crippled - you sound very connected,  very caring,  very social.  I don't think a woman who thinks nothing of having sex will work out for you.  

There's always the chance that she's pretending to be casual because she thinks that's cool.  I guess you could ask that.  "Are you ignoring me because you think that makes you look very cosmopolitan and confident,  or do you not want to be bothered returning my call".  

Best wishes.