Recovering from husbands affair

[laughinglaura]

My husband had affair for 1 year with coworker who is 17-18 years younger than him. We had been married for 15 years with 2 kids when affair happened 2 1/2 years ago. I am still having a difficult time even though he has recommitted to our marriage, ended the relationship, and shows he loves me. Maybe it was because he lied when I initially asked and went to extreme measures to hide it, or because he can't remember anything about affair, or because now that it's over states he never truly loved her, but said it because it was something she needed to hear. I haev been through mega counseling and just can't seem to heal. Before we were married I told him that the worst thing he could do to me was cheat, as I had been cheated on in a long term relationship before him, and that it was a definite boundary for me and would end the marriage. I just don't view him as a man I can ever trust again. We are able to laugh and have fun together but I cannot recommitt my life to him. Is there any advice?

[Judy246]

My heart goes out to you and we are all here to support you!  The foundation of a relationship is love, respect, communication and trust. Once they have been broken, it's extremely difficult to regain and you are never the same person again. Infidelity is poison to the very foundation of the marriag and family unit and many find it necessary to seek a professional marriage counselor or priest to attempt to salvage what once was dedication and devotion now destroyed. If you love him are willing to forgive him and work out your issues that caused him to stray or if your marriage is valued and worth saving, then it will be necessary for you to learn with time to forgive him. Not everyone can forgive. Forgiveness is "divine" a gift that not everyone has or can do and it takes a very special person to take the first step to address all the issues and have all the questions answered about the affair, then make a conscious effort to put the past behind and mover forward with your life. The affair was not your fault and you do not have to live the rest of your life tormented by this affair. If you do, you are giving the other woman power over your life, relationship and marriage and no one should ever have that much power over you. It's time to take your life back and be in control of you and lay the law on what is exceptable, not exceptable, tolerated and not tolerated from him. You have the right to ask any question you want and have it answered and what will be expected from him to make the relationship work. Take back control of you and what you will and will not accept. Never permit him to ever hurt you this way again. If you forgive him and if he dares do it again, divorce him immediately, but if you are willing to make your marriage work, then seek the proper counseling and you must forgive him and move forward with your life and marriage. Good Luck, Judy

[Janedope]

I just found out my husband had an affair. I want to make it work, and move forward but it's hard. He says we can seek a marriage counselor, but for now I cant even look at him or touch him without getting angry or emotional. How did you all deal with this? Did you keep your distance? Withhold affection or even sex. What's your advice?

[teko]

As hard as it may be, you have to decide if it is worth all this suffering. Affairs tend to deplete the trust and respect from a relationship. If you decide to stay, it is simply a choice. Does not mean it is gonna work out, but simply that you will try to make it work. You thought you knew this person before he cheated. So, you c your mind told you all was well and it was not and that is where the feelings of betrayal came from. It makes us feel stupid and vulnerable for a long time. Maybe you can never trust this person or be happy with him again. Is it really worth what you are going thru. If it is, then you must forgive, otherwise he will just feel like you will never let him live it down and go do it again. Life is short. The goal is to be as happy as you can while you are here. No do overs.

[jo929]

It stands to reason that if you divorce that you will live with out him, you know this without anyone making it clear to you, but you appear to be still thinking about  the affair, i know it is not easy i have been there, but one must make a choice to forget and forgive or divorce, and if you cant get over it you will both be miserable if it is brought up, also i think you already know just what you want to do , but again i wish you luck 17 years is a long time,, and i did not say it was easy to forget, but when one just keeps on thinking about it that is not good   jo

[specialmom]

I, like the others, hate to hear of a relationship in which someone was betrayed as you were.  Once that trust is broken,  it is a long road to get it back.  I also think that once an affair is over------  it is not only getting over the deceitfulness but also the idea of what you thought you were as a couple.  That is a bitter pill to swallow.  It sounds like you are considering leaving and who could blame you at this point.  But your doubts are keeping you from doing so.  It is complicated, I'm sure.  No one can tell you how to feel or what to do.  Does time heal all things?  I don't know.  Somethings are painful forever.  This may sound dumb but two ideas . . .  the dreaded letter.  The letter in which you tell your husband exactly what you think of his affair and what happened.  Read it to yourself after writing it and burn it.  Second, write out a story of what life would be like withOUT him.  What a typical weekend would be like.  What Christmas would be like.  What your old age years would be like.  Take some time with it.  You can add in meeting someone else-----  leaving him wouldn't make you single forever.  But picture life without him.  This could either be sobering and make you realize that it is worth continueing on with him or it could sound like paradise.  Again, this is the kind of thing I get rid of immediately after as it is too personal for anyone to ever stumble upon.  Anyway, I do wish you lots of luck.  You sound like you are a strong woman that will be okay no matter what.  I hope so!!  Best regards.

[iam1butterfly]

... that's the devastating effect of an affair; it's a destructive force that drains the soul.

Recovery can be a long and difficult road; so, you do right by attending counseling
sessions. Are you going to counseling, together? Your husband's participation could make big a difference in the healing process.

[mami1323]

I understand how you feel, I'm recovering from my fiance's long term affair.  I found out about it a little over a year ago and still I struggle with my feelings.  We've been through the counseling and it did help because I used to waver every day about whether I could stay with him.  It was so hard to let go and trust him.  He was no longer the man he used to be to me.  I also had confronted him and was told that he was not doing anything.  My fiance's lover was 6 years older than him though and she knew of me and our son.  It really hurt because she loved him and wanted to be with him.  He has changed for the better and really would love for me to trust him again.  I try to but I still have my moments.  I think it takes time.  I think it's easier to forgive a one night stand than a long term affair because they basically were living second lives.  They were emotionally connecting with another woman.  We wonder if they think of them still, we wonder if they had thoughts of being with them over us.  It's very difficult to overcome.  However, I know it sounds like jo was being harsh but what she meant is we have to try to move forward.  If we chose to stay, we have to try to put the past in the past and enjoy the future together.  What helped me was gaining my control back.  Meaning, I can't control him and what he chooses to do.  If he's going to cheat on me again, he will do it no matter how obsessive I get.  But I can control how my mind works.  I don't go through his phone or call his job to make sure he's there or check through emails or anything because if he wants to cheat he will be much more sneaky about it the second time around, so I just try to trust him.  What he does in the dark will eventually come to light is the saying.  So no need to do all these things because if they got caught the first time, they would again.  If you can't let it go, then you will live miserably and so best to move on and divorce him.  Just know that you are not alone and the feelings you have are completely normal.  Time heals all wounds and although my fiance is no longer who he used to be to me, he has grown into a much better man and we really learned to appreciate each other much more.  He no longer takes me for granted and knows that if he were to mess up again, he would lose the family he loves.  The balls in his court.  My friend told me, when I was struggling to get past the anger and hurt, I had the power to not allow myself to be a victim any longer.  I have the power to make myself happy.  If I'm not happy with him, than I have to change that but I have to try to allow myself that happiness.  He has no control over that, nor did that other woman.  Don't let them make me a victim.  After she told me that, I seemed to let go of the anger.  If you want, I created an infidelity group you can come and join.  Go to my profile and click on my communities and than click on the infidelity group.  You will see a lot of people have been where you are at.  Good luck and if you want to speak to me in privately, you can PM me.

[laughinglaura]

You make it sound so easy. I can also live in the future without him, you don't say that, instead you so I can live in the past and get a divorce? Hmmmm...think I'm better off with my own thoughts. Thanks anyway for taking the time.

[jo929]

the way i see it you have 2 choices, either forget it, and do not remind him, and get on with your life, and do not look back, or you can continue to worry talk and wonder if it will happen again counseling is no good anymore you have been there either you get over it or you do not and you can divorce the choice is yours to make but you need to decide whether to live for the future and make a happy one or live in the past, but if your going to live in the past get a divorce  luck on whatever you decide  jo