How do I get over my man looking at porn when I'm in the other room?

[2frustrated]

I have been with my man for a long time now and we talk about spending the rest of our lives together and starting a family, we both want it and are extremely happy. But like any couple we have our arguments but we work through them, except for one. I am painfully aware that he looks at porn on his iphone most mornings while in the bathroom. This first became an issue when I was woken up during the night about a year ago when he got up to look at porn and take care of business. It hurt my feelings and we got in a huge fight about it. Since then it has been an on going issue. Every once in a while I will come home while he's has been in the middle of it or i will see some porn on his computer. I get it, he's a guy and he looks at porn to get off. When Im outta town, sure, when we haven't had sex in a while, sure, but on a weekend when im awake in the next room just waiting for him so we can spend our day together..??? WTF!! Its not like he just leaves to the bathroom to do that, its while he is already in there doing his morning routine. But it seems like a lot that he does it 3 to 6 mornings a week, i mean we have sex most nights, why does he need to get off that much? This I just wont understand and I except that, what i wont except is why, when he knows it makes me feel so bad, he still chooses to do it when i am awake in in the other room waiting for him? Jerk off sure, if thats how you need to get through your day, whatever. but while looking at another girl while im in the other room??!! OUCH!! He always lets me know how attracted to me he is but still when I know he is getting off looking at another naked girl... It breaks my heart. I understand this is a self insecure issue but how can I over come it?
I have tried looking at porn with him and thats ok, but he tries to make fun of the girls but that just pisses me off more, "don't make fun of something you really like just because I'm there!!!" and I still feel hurt when i know he's getting off looking at other girls.

I need good advice on how to over come this insecurity!! Please help!!

[Kate84980]

Hi Alexa,

I completely sympathize with what happened to you last night. I found this forum just now on Google while I was seeking for answers about a particular issue; my partner watching porn while I was asleep. Later today I checked his computer and there were quite few pages of porn that he has seen around 12-1 am in the morning which means I was asleep right next to him!!! I'm in shock, angry and I know that I'm good enough for him! We used to watch it together and it was fun and I know that he watches porn while I'm traveling as well which is completely understandable.

Nevertheless, I believe he's not satisfied with our sexual life. We haven't been having sex for the last 2weeks due to visitors, period plus other factors. However, we did it last morning, it was great, fulfilling for us both.

We know each other for 6 years and living together for 2 under the same house. Don't really know what's going to be the next chapter of our lives, but it's not looking good. He's not giving the same attention to me as he used to, kissing much, much less even when I ask him for a 2 min kiss, and when we go to bed, he hugs me and sleep. Our life used to be completely different from what it is now.

Anyhow, I don't know if you'll be able to read this or if anyone else is going through it at this moment, but it feels great to share my issues with people that won't judge my relationship such as closer friends and family.

Thank you for reading.
Sincerely,
K.

[Alexa1989]

Completely sympathizing with you all. Woke up last night to get some water and my boyfriend was on the couch, looking at hot naked women on his phone. He jumped up and tilted his phone away from me in shock. It made me feel very uncomfortable unsexy and embarrassed. Like a little stab to the heart. Porn is okay just do it when I'm not in the other room. He feels bad and said he was sorry last night, but I can't accept it just yet. Going to give him a day or so to let him think about it.

[yellow12345]

im having same problem too im a good hider when i watch it but not for them reasons to learn how to get better.when i go to bed early than what he does he goes on it i can tell because the room is quiet then i sneak up on him and hes on it but he looks at girls stripping and that hurts because im only in the other room he could say oh can you give me a hand i know im crap at it but the thought it there when i catch him he tells me to **** off hes not watching anything but i know he is because i know that site he thinks its cheating on my behalf but hes doing it too still hurts tho makes you feel like your not satisfing your partner even if you do he wants more. or just give him what he wants then he wont look at it or if hes tired from work they ussaly look at it then. im a girl i used to be obsessed with it i dunno why.

[Trish467]

Im having he exact same issue wit my bf of 5 years. He will watch porn while I'm waiting for him in the other room or he will leave to the bathroom for hours. Or do it while I'm asleep. We have talked about or turn ons and things we would like to try. And try to keep sex interesting. But then he will go and lie to me about porn or re pictures on his phone. Its gotten to the point he has hacked Into our tv to watch the hustler videos. He knows how much it hurts me but he just tries to hide it better. I'm afraid to ask him to completely stop because I don't kno if he can nor do I want him to lie about it. Or if he decides porn is more important then our relationship. I don't kno wat to do anymore. Is there a way to fix my insecurities about this quickly, He says he loves me then the next day he goes and looks at other naked women. I just don't kno wat to do...

[peggy64]

This will only cause further problems. It is not just about porn. It is a trust issue, a communication issue, and it just can't be helped but most would think "what is wrong with ME?"

This PROBLEM is not about you. It is his problem. Like any other issue, you can't make him change.

You will have to ask yourself if this is something you can live with, because he seems to have no problem with it. Therefore, in his mind, no need to change. It is a sick habit that leads to further problems.

You have to decide if you want to live with this or not.   For their sake, I hope you can get out before there are children involved.

[Palaima]

it seems that you do have problem in communication about intimacy. Have you talked about your sexual fantasies, openly? Maybe he is looking for something that you are not giving him and for him he is already compromising ( I am speculating here). And If it bothers you now so much, and he is not satisfied with just you then you two need to sit down and talk, find a  compromise or go separate ways.

[teko]

Unfortunately if it bothers you now, as well it should in my opinion, it will only continue to grate on your nerves as time goes on. I would talk to him, tell him exactly how you feel, and let him choose which is more important to him. Then you have your answer as to which means more if ya know what I mean. Otherwise you will try to force yourself and as I said as time goes by you will really really resent it to the point that it will stop one way or the other.

These people give really really good advice dont they? Wow! I agree on point with all.

[specialmom]

Well, how is your life in terms of intimacy (not that I'm asking you to answer that here)?  Does this get in the way of your own sex life?  Do you think that it could down the road?  What about when you've had his children and are chasing them around and a little tired?  Do you think this problem will get worse and could you live with that?  

I am not anti porn----- it is a free world.  But I do wonder when it is part of some one's daily routine.  That sounds extreme to me.  If a couple is alright with it, no problem.  But I think that I would address it with him if you are uncomfortable with it.  I'd talk about it and see if he'd compromise with it.

I know that I wouldn't probably take the relationship to the next level if it were me.  I'm about safety and wanted a guy that I was on the same page with.  If I had a big red flag, I'd take it seriously because the big red flags tend to become big problems down the road.  But this is your decision.  At least talk to him about it.  good luck

[Judy246]

I agree with Teko, although you can't change him, you can change yourself by not accepting what you don't like. I think it's time to find the right time to sit down with him and "discuss" your concerns, issues, dislikes and how it's effecting you. Also, put it on him on what is he going to do to fix this situation or the relationship will have to be re-evaluated.

[2frustrated]

Thank you for your response, I know I can't change him, so how do I change my self so it doesn't bother me??

[teko]

I don't think you have an insecurity. I think he has a problem. Maybe I am alone on this but a guy doing this is a total 100% turn off to me. Ew! I just could not handle a guy that was hung up on that stuff to that degree. I think it is disrespectful to you, self centered on his part and that is just for openers. He doesn't need you to participate evidently,  so whats the point. You must decide if this is something that you can live with long term and handle it accordingly. You are not going to change him.