Overweight 30 year old daughter

[Barnstable]

I'm struggling.  I love my daughter, but am so frustrated and angry with her, and am embarrassed to admit it.  Why can't I just accept that she's 50 pounds over weight?  I've always been fit and healthy.  Why is she doing this?  She's so lovely, but her weight  just makes others judge her, including me!  And I hate that I do iit.  What can I do?

[Chima7]

Your daughter knows what she looks like. She sees herself in the mirror every day. It's not necessary for you to point it out to her. In fact, the more you harp on her about it, the more she will resent you for it. She is an adult and is capable of making her own decisions with regard to her appearance and health. I suggest you let her be and not alienate her unless you're one of those moms who doesn't care whether or not they have a relationship with their kids as adults.

[calmshell]

Hi There B. While it is not 'wonderful' if a family member has gained weight, it is not 'terrible'. One's weight has NADA, Zilch, Nothing to do with 'them' as a person. As a soul, and as a being. Yes she may be a bit unhealthier than you or others right 'now', but that might not always be the case. She is lovely and wonderful despite anything or appearance. That is ego and only ego; looking at someone thinking their eyes or their hair or height or weight is 'them.' I'm not saying you mean to be egoic at all, it might just be you want your daughter healthier and not sure how to express it to her. but she MUST be dealing with inner turmoil as she might be turning to food to help cope/ease her feelings. I have always done that in my life.. I've gained and lost weight so many times.

When I got to be a bit heavier last year, (gained 20 lbs. due to a birth control), I really did not enjoy looking at me. But I haven't enjoyed 'me' my whole life... so I thought, I need to like ME to start really focusing on myself. Just remind her of that- that she is great or lovely, and maybe get healthy smoothies together, or walk :) Whenever I see or hear someone talking about weight, I think of one of my fave actresses, Melissa McCarthy- she has not cared what others thought of her - she wanted to be herself, and damn is she FUNNY (and quite successful)_She has since lost some weight, and while it is awesome, she just rocks it at anytime. Another interesting thing I just heard a month ago on radio.. a scientific study found over  years' time, overweight people lived LONGER than those of average or under average weight. wow.. They are unsure why- I don't think they mean obese or anything, but it was something to hear that. anyway, don't beat  yourself up though; just focus on HER and her health ONLY and it'll all work out :)

[RockRose]

Calmshell,  do you see how you completely contradict yourself in your post?  You begin with comparing weight to height and hair type - something that doesn't reflect at all on the person.  Then you go on to say you yourself have dealt with weight issues all your life,  Then you go on to say,  actually,  that due to her weight gain she "MUST" be dealing with inner turmoil and you have done that all your life.

I completely agree.  Someone who puts on 50 pounds either has a health related issue (maybe thyroid) or is dealing with distress that's causing them to overeat.  

I would be upset,  too,  if a son or daughter of mine who had always been a healthy weight put on 50 pounds,  and I'd want to learn why.  

[specialmom]

I think what is concerning though is it is not the health related concerns the poster speaks of but the appearance of it.  The embarrassment of having a chubby daughter.  

[specialmom]

Well, I wish you were concerned about her health and not her appearance.  :>)  She's an adult now and badgering from mom about how she looks or a weight issue should be LONG over (not that it is great when they are children . . .  we guide them to health lifestyles and eating as kids, but hating that they are chubby and showing that is damaging).  This is like so many things in life that are really our problem and not the other persons.  You have a bit of a problem with superficial things.  That is for you to work on.  Not her.  And you will indeed drive a wedge between the two of you if you act like her weight makes you angry because she looks fat to you.  If you had written this about concern about her health for the weight, I'd have understood.  By the way, it is occasionally a sign of trauma for a woman (or man) to put on a large amount of weight.  Say, for example, someone was molested as a child--  when they are an adult, they often put on this weight to keep people away. Or if they are in a bad relationship, they may put on the weight (not on purpose, the subconscious does it) to be a true physical barrier. Or maybe if your daughter had years of feeling she had to live up to an appearance, she is as angry back and put on the weight subconsciously to thwart you.  I don't know.  But you should, in my opinion, back entirely off on this subject and make yourself aware and stop it in its tracks with some self talk.  Go do things with her and just focus on the positives and enjoying her.  

I do appreciate your honesty here as I'm sure this is hard to write about.  You dearly love her but this bothers you.  But don't let it make her feel criticized by one person in her life that is supposed to not just be looking at the surface.  good luck

[Barnstable]

Thank you for your straightforwardness.  I actually do know this all intellectually....but good to be reminded.

[Paxiled]

Well, she is your daughter -- you know her a whole lot better than we do.  I'd ask if other members of your or her father's family tend to be overweight even though you are not -- she may be fighting against genetics, which makes it not impossible to change but harder.  But when you're overweight, especially for young females, you hear about it so much you have to learn to close your ears to survive.  The question you have to figure out is if it's a medical problem or she eats too much and exercises too little.  People only change when they decide to change, not when someone else decides they should change.  If she's happy, leave it alone.  If she's depressed or anxious, a big reason people overeat to obesity, then that's what needs to be worked on.  Your love for her leads you to fear diabetes and all the other possible problems of obesity, but many studies show that overweight people might have more problems than others but don't die any younger.  So again, if she's unhappy, lonely, judging herself, insecure, she needs help.  If she just prefers to eat more than other things or she has a genetics problem she doesn't have the persistence to overcome, let it come to her.  It probably will.  But your "love" is just judgment, then that is your problem, not hers.

[Paxiled]

That should say, If your love is just judgement...