I can see how much like a mental case Ive been. I do want to thank you for your opinions and input throughout this whole thread, just so you know it is appreciated and valued. I have never obsessed about anything in my life. This cut me right through the core. The one thing I was so sure I could never betray was my fidelility and her trust. The biggest pride in my life is how secure and happy I am with her. How happy I make her, and her love is everything to me. The motivation to my life. I love her so much. I would die for her without thinking twice. Ive always said Im a billionare, bc I wouldnt trade her for anything. And then I do this. It really shook me. Its really sad how crazy Im going, but Im so ashamed of everything and pretty traumatized by everything thats happened and feel that my whole world is on the line.
Can you give me an honest answer please on the following, it would be appreciated and trust me when I say I want to put this whole thing to bed ASAP. Its gone on far too long. Do you think I conveyed the general nature of the wrong to her? Did I convey that a sexual misconduct occured --> Furthermore one in proportion to what transpired? Did I let her make an informed decision (I told her I got tested for STDs too - which is why I fear further confession could get me doubted for something worse then I let happen - I swore that it was only hand contact which is the truth)? These are things I would appreciate your honest opinion on. I know she knows that this was a complete one-time mistake, that nothing has happened other then this and that she trusts me that it never will. She knows how genuinely hurt and sorry I am for having done this and that I will never do it again. That I put myself in a bad situation and let it get away from me. She loves me so much and I promise to not take her for granted ever. She is everything.
I agree this is something You deserve to feel guilty about BUT his is more than "guilt".
This has become an OBSESSION!!
You want to convince all of us how "bad" You are for what You did and how "good" You are cuz You want to confess - over and over and over and over again!!
I've come to feel this Girl needs to know how You obsess, as Your obsession is likely to take control again "someday" over "something" - so I still think You should go ahead and tell Her, just get it over with for Pete's sake!!
Your obsession about this is probably interfering with Your Relationship with Her anyway and She might as well know why.
This incident occured SEVERAL months ago. It's been hashed over 53 times here for more than a MONTH and You remain in the same place You started with.......
I've Grown Weary And I'm Done.
Good Luck With Whatever It Is You Ultimately Decide To Do
Thanks for your reply. I know I am not some monster and thanks for that. I know that I am genuinely sorry and that I could never be stupid enough to do this again or anything in that department. But Ive acted so far from who I am and for what? It just makes no sense that I could do something like that. I can be honest and say I was truly naiive. I didnt know what I was in for. But I made a choice. A very thoughtless decision to stay put. I would have bet my life a million times over that I would never do something like this. What i did is so out there. Its so shocking to me because of how opposite it is from everything I am and have always been. Its such a freak situation. Its so appalling to me. Its like it was meant to happen bc in no way in the right mind could i do this. As you can see this has really rattled me, and ive made poor judgment calls ever since. Swearing on my word killed me. and I stuck to it. Your right in that the breakdown is that I feel like ive told her nothing. I may be letting my emotions get the better of me and maybe Im not giving her enough credit. But lying hurts and I dont know what she thinks happened but she hasnt pried at it once since. This is a nightmare really. Im not well equipped to deal with this. It really is beyond me. Im one of the soft lovey dovey emotional kind of guys, not some cheating *******. Its like this evil person took control of my body for 3 minutes and im left with the chaos from what happened. Im learning to accept it. But i cant shake this sickening feeling i have all the time. Its truly crippling. And your right it is selfish to unburden myself. Its such a shame this happened. I was so happy with my life. I obviously took my life for granted. This has shaken the **** out of me.
However, they really downplay the magnitude of what happened, it downplays my involvement and the lack of restraint I showed.
I understand that...that makes perfect sense, and I agree you did that.
She said after everything that the only thing that bothered her was that i was dishonest.
I'm sure that's the part that hurts the most, the betrayal, sure. But, it's detrayal whether or not she thinks things went down like you told her...or whether it was a little bit worse.
It hurts to look into her eye and accept all her amazing love knowing that im hiding something so sick.
That's where the breadown is I think (IMO). I don't think you're really hiding anything so big. You minimized the story and left out a few small details, which you have to understand, is COMPLETEY human nature! Anyone would struggle with being completely honest in that kind of situation. I just think YOU are making way more out of the parts you left out than is necessary. You talk as though your murdered your wife or something. I just think the reaction is SO extreme considering the facts.
I am just so mentally screwed up from this. Ive lost my self, my soul, my mojo so to speak
Which is why you need to continue with a therapist. Hey, you MAY need to tell her so that you're able to move on and start healing, I just think that with some time, and some work on your part, you can do that without having to tell her anymore details. You need to find a place of forgiveness and acceptance for yourself...and that's where the therapist can help you.
Let us know how it's going...I wish you peace. I sincerely hope you can forgive yourself, and move on...your wife deserves you to be at your best. YOU deserve that as well. While of course I don't in any way condone what you did...I don't think it's the end of the world...people do things like this every day...people make mistakes. You COULD be the guy who does it all the time without caring a bit. You messed up, you're very remorseful and genuine. I honestly have no doubt you'd never do something like this again. So...be a little kinder to yourself..you're not some monster. Honestly.
Thank you. I havent done anything yet. Trust, I am trying really hard to justify what i said is enough. But I am so hurt that i did this and that ive lied to her. How can I let myself accept her love. Thats where im hurting most. I feel so unworthy and undeserving. I feel so sick that i swore on everything and that i had to lie and hide the ugliness of the truth. I am traumatized by what ive done, its against everything I am and stand for. This whole thing has made me so depressed. Its like i betrayed everything that matters for something so insignificant, useless, unnecessary and unenjoyable. I feel so broken. Weak. Like the biggest fool in the world. Im so angry at myself. Its like someone saying go kill your family and ill give you ten cents and you go do it. I wanted to be forthcoming about this. I wanted to tell her everything. But as I was confessing, i saw the loss of my reputation, the one I earned through genuine love, but out of complete shame I swore thats all that happened 10 seconds of touching and that i was a big man and got up. It makes it seem so insignificant. I feel that the truth is so much worse. I want to write it off as a white lie. But, the incidental details are not so incidental, but i am trying to convince myself that they are insignificant. However, they really downplay the magnitude of what happened, it downplays my involvement and the lack of restraint I showed. She said after everything that the only thing that bothered her was that i was dishonest. Thats what hurts. It hurts to look into her eye and accept all her amazing love knowing that im hiding something so sick. I dont know but ive become this dramatic emotional wreck. And after all that, I turned to smoking when id feel a storm of guilt, that is something so deliberate and repeated that was a huge breach of trust as well, that she may find more betraying than all the rest, but i stopped for months now as i know how unneeded they are and that they were only compounding my issues, so thats a step forward. But that added and still is adding to my depressed state. Im so guilty, your right. I feel so far from myself. From the person I always was. I feel so distanced from her and have not been acting like myself, like i dont deserve to hold her, be intimate. Shes noticing that. Thats why i feel that i need to set the truth free. But its sad and your nailed it that my biggest fear is that she will not believe me, and could be questioned for doing something worse and that there could be more things and what not. I am just so mentally screwed up from this. Ive lost my self, my soul, my mojo so to speak. I broke my biggest commitment of my life. FML. I cant believe how broken i feel. I need to climb out of this hole, but the therapist feels that i need to figure out what i need to say to get back some integrity. And that if i dont say anything i wont be able to be intimate with her and it will cause problems. She feels that i want to be more honest. That the only way out for me is the truth. But that the consequences could be devastating and your gambling, and got accept how the chips fall.
Thanks for the messages nursegirl
One last thing....go back and reread ALL of your posts, a few times. I just did that, and there's one and one thing ONLY that is the same theme, over and over and over. GUILT. 99% of what you say talks about how YOU feel, how you've ruined YOURSELF...look at it....it's ALL about YOU. That's guilt and regret.
Just like I initially said, you are MUCH less concerned about what SHE feels, and MUCH more concerned about how YOU Feel...that's all you're focused on. That has nothing to do with a need to be honest in any way, shape or form...that's wanting to unburden yourself because of the guilt...end of story. It's as clear as day in your words, but you've convinced yourself that this is about the need to be honest. You already WERE honest.
You said yourself she has moved on, and has been happy and normal. I would STRONGLY suggest you dig DEEP and find a way to do the same thing...or else you're going to ruin this marriage...because you can't find a way to move on. SHE was the one that was hurt...and she found a way...you need to do the same.
You really do need to keep up with therapy. Guilt is a normal thing in a situation like this..but you've taken it to an extreme. I hope you can see the situation as I (and others) can see it...and find a way to move on WITHOUT breaking her heart all over again. The really sad part of this is (if you tell her more info)...YOU will feel better, but she will feel worse, and even if she does forgive you again, you're stomping on any chance you have to regain her trust, because most likely, she's going to assume there is still more to the story...because your emotions don't make sense in the context of what you've withheld.
I went back and read YOUR OWN words about what exactly you didn't come clean about. Here is a quote from you:
"I would NEVER do something like this again (i would honestly rather die...a thousand times over) ...and i know she knows that. She has in essence an idea of what I let happen. I honestly wanted to be forthcoming. She knows i let her touch me inappropriately under my pants. Just not for how long"
THAT is the most logical, sensible thing you said in this entire thread. HERE are the facts....you ARE indeed splitting hairs over VERY insignificant details. TRUST me when I say that your wife is NOT interested in hearing "how long" you were touched. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
"She has in essence an idea of what I let happen." EXACTLY. You know this. Giver her more credit. She's not dumb..I'm SURE she realizes you didn't share every gruesome detail, which is actually a KIND thing to do, as a husband who has hurt his wife.
Here's what I don't understand. I could SEE if you hadn't told her a thing...THEN I could see that you would feel that way, but you told her pretty much almost everything. And like I said initially, I think you're selling her short by thinking she doesn't have an idea that probably a little more happened anyway. You "came clean" to her a few times after the initial reveal, adding more details. I'm sure she is smart enough to realize that you may be holding a few details back to spare her.
So, to clarify...what EXACTLY is it that you didn't tell her, because I can't recall anymore? You told her most everything..what did you leave out? And, here's how I see it...you already told her you did something inappropriate...I just cannot see how telling her the gory details is going to help, except for like I originally said..to undburden YOURSELF, which is very selfish IMO. She's dealt with it, forgave you and moved on...you telling her more is going to rip those wounds wide open...and probably make her question you even more than you DO deserve to be questioned. I think that's cruel, personally.
I'm sure you ARE a man who values honesty, but from reading your posts, I don't think this is at ALL about that...it's more about guilt and regret that's eating you up more than anything. I say that because you say the same things over, how the girl was fat and ugly, blah blah....that's regret over what you did. You DO talk about not being fully honest, but the VAST majority of your posts involve revisiting the encounter, and how you can't believe you did that....THAT is guilt, my friend..not turmoil over leaving a couple of pornographic details out. You know?
It's up to you, dear. After all this turmoil and thinking, and worrying...if you feel you have to tell her, then tell her, but be prepared for the consequences. She was forgiving initially...the way you're acting, she just may think that you did more than you did....due to how devastated you're acting. I think "coming clean" for the RIGHT reasons is always the best policy...but I don't think your reasons are the right ones, in my opinion. I think you want to tell her to unburden yourself, not because the truth is so important. If anything, causing yourself some stress and anxiety by withholding sharing intimate details actually would be you taking one for the team, to spare your wife anymore unnecessary hurt. If you were talking about how you told her you kissed a girl, when you really had sex with her..I would probably feel differently, but you're splitting hairs over incidental details.
Decision is yours, and you have to do what you think is right. I still say that working with a therapist for a while (more than two sessions) would be wise...to help you work through this and get some perspective on the whole situation...rather than making a decision based on these heavy emotions. Making big decisions based on emotions versus facts and reality is NEVER good, in any aspect of life.
Best of luck, whatever you decide.
I am honestly so incredibly torn. I feel like such a fool. I have been weighing the pros and cons of full disclosure for a while....and really this can have much worse of an outcome than i can possibly ever expect. I think im being so obsessive over this is bc its the worst thing ive ever done. Ive never cheated, never planned to, never wanted to. If i truly wanted to i would have approached a stripper and said how much for a handjob or *******. I didnt actively pursue this. Thats where im scared she might take it the wrong way, and even though i ended up letting this happen and ejaculating, this was not an enjoyable experience. and i really truly mean that, it was awful. Thats another thing that may make this whole thing sound so much worse and my intent Theres no logical explanation to this. It was a moment of pure insanity. Its insane. I put myself in a compromised state in a position where i was taken advantage of and did something i would never have done in my right mind. The stripper knew how to get me to fall down that slope. I fell. I failed. But I know this was a freak of nature event never to be repeated in anyway shape or form ever again. Ive been trying to justify that I said enough but really it was so bad. I had so many opportunities to stop what happened. I can admit that there are self serving reasons to tell the truth, but there were also self serving reasons to lie. In both cases the lie one can argue, spared her the pain, but on the other hand deprived her of the truth. The confession will unload this burden on my chest, will completely devastate her but there will be no lies and only truth. This is the biggest decision of my life. oh my god. im so scared of the potential fallout.
The simple answer to Your question is - Yes, I would want to know if I had been cheated on and deceived - I think most people would say that.
I also think most people would agree that the truth is going to bring Her HUGE pain - and that Your reasons for telling Her the truth have been all about setting YOU free, so to speak.
That being said, personally, I have become MORE concerned with how You obsess. You probably won't cheat again - but I think there could be problems ahead dealing with obsessiveness....... over.....who knows what??
anyway....Good Luck. I hope You Will Let Us Know How This Turns Out. I Would Be Most Happy To Know That WE Have All Been Wrong and That YOU Were Right All Along. I Mean That Sincerely.
she told me when i was confessing that i dont care if you had sex with her, i deserve to know what happened, and i still couldnt bring myself to say what i did. She was more concerned with the dishonesty which is where that stems from and why i think so badly of the lie. Wouldnt you want to know tink? you honestly wouldnt? I agree maybe this is the price i should pay. I agree that this is my burden, but this burden will affect us negatively whether i say it or not is my point
I think You should just tell Her and get this over with!!
I simply do NOT understand Your philosophy here. It's seems You think the WORST thing You've done is to not tell Her what You have done!!
You're making Your "lie" the worst part of what You did. I DISAGREE!! Personally, I think what You did is MUCH worse than keeping it to YourSelf - You are MUCH more concerned about what this is doing to You than what it will do to Her. You are obsessing over the "lie".
That being said, I've changed my mind completely. I think You should go ahead and tell Her - and I hope She makes the best choice for Her future!!
I won't tell You what I think She should do (I don't want to be accused of being rude) - BUT I would wish that She could read everything written here!! There are HUGE clues about how You perceive YourSelf that She needs to be aware of.
I saw a new therapist today. A woman who was very helpful. She said from what I know of you, you sound like a person who values honesty. And whats killing me and eating me is that im not living with integrity. Im not the person I want to be. Im not acting according to my beliefs and values, and that im in a position that im damned if i do tell and damned if i dont tell her. Im not a dishonest person. If i dont tell her, i will always be hiding and never let myself be loved for all that i am. I will not be able to be 100% intimate and the partner i need to be and that will cause its own problems. I will also not be respecting her and be building this relationship moving forward on a broken foundation. I think i need to be held accountable here. I need to show my failure. I recognize the travesty that it is and have learned so much that this is the last place i ever want to be in my life. Ive failed on 3 deal breakers, faithfulness, dishonesty and smoking. I cant be one with her if im not 100% transparent. I cant live with a secret or enter into a marriage with a secret of this kind. I dont think this is something i can personally hide for the next 70 years even though its dealt with and in the past never to be done again and meant absolutely nothing. I am a very emotional person, and I cant hide the pain i have in my heart. I know that shes dealt with this enough, but this is eating me up, and i know the consequences may work out horribly and what I fear most is that im being too overly dramatic and fear the unknown aftermath of this and that she may never look at me the same way. But its been 8 months and the option of concealment may not be the best for me afterall. I agree with nursegirl that she does know alot and probably already knows theres more to it. But she deserves to hear it from me. I am so angry at myself for this and am so incredibly ashamed. Im going to take a few days to decide what i need to tell her and how to do it but i think im out of options. I am so saddened by the damage and pain i have caused and may still cause by this. I wish I was one of those people who were able to not let their conscience tear them apart, but im a sensitive fool who doesnt want to live with a lie between himself and partner forever
Have you taken ANY of the suggestions that were offered? Have you sought any help? You're just spinning in circles. I wouldn't tell her a thing until you get yourself into some therapy and get into a different mindset. You can weigh the options with a therapist.
That's really the best option right now...because you continue to stay in crisis mode, and that's not good.
I dont know what to do. I cant believe my actions. I dont think I can live with this secret my whole life. I feel like I can not accept her love, and want to be truly forgiven (and I recognize that that may not be possible and the consequences of which could be life shattering for both of us), but I think what Ive done is incredibly disrespectful and the ongoing dishonesty is a slap in the face, like I dont respect her. Every time I get told how much she loves me and how perfect I am I feel like thats now based on a LIE (that I showed resistance and got up during this whole event that I let transpire). Which it is. Shes told me that you are perfect and made one stupid mistake and youve learned to never do it again (but she doesnt know the full extent and lack of restraint bc I lied and said it was 10 seconds, i know she has her doubts that more happened bc I also told her I got tested for STDs from this event (negative results) when I confessed). I love her to death, I cant picture my life for a second without her. Im completely broken, and traumatized. But Ive treated her so unfairly and like a fool. Im so disgusted with myself. I cant believe how far Ive fallen and how much of an sleazbag I can be.
I realize that I did not actively pursue this kind of contact. I thought I was going to go for a normal lapdance (which Ive never done until now in my relationship) I put myself in a position where I should have never been. I was initially offered extras and rejected. I got lowballed and agreed to get "touched" under my boxers. I was naive to think that it would be a gentle pet or 2 (i didnt think I was consenting to a full out handjob, I agree that this is wrong in itself, and cheating but I didnt realize what I was getting myself into) I was tested and failed to stop it. Ive been miserable ever since and have grown to hate myself for these actions. I dont think I can enter a marriage with a secret like this but I the only thing I want to do in this life is marry her and grow old together but Im so afraid of the fact that I could have ruined a perfect marriage for some sickening hand stimulation which was completely useless. I think I have to tell her. She knows me and knows when something is bothering me, Its been 8 months and I am completely guilt ridden in my every action. What would you do in my situation?
Very thoughtful offer, and I hope the OP takes you up on it. This whole situation makes me sad, and I hope "bigmistake" can find a way to deal with the feelings of guilt.
Hey man. Perhaps you should send me a PM. I've been in similar shoes and maybe I can offer some help.
Thanks for your comment. I am just so completely disgusted with myself. I acted like an animal, like a completely different person that night. I didnt even know I had that in me. Its just that Ive never cheated in my life... and then I go and cheat on the complete love of my life who I love with every part of me for this unattractive strippers cheap hand stimulation. She is my whole world. I am so ashamed and this whole thing makes no sense. Its completely out of left field. Im just so disgusted that I 1 I did this and 2 I lied to her twice. The whole thing was so unnecessary and I just cant believe what Ive done to my once perfect life. Therapy is expensive and I cant afford the number of sessions you are recommending. In the sessions I did have he did mention catastrophizing, I am just having a hard time explaining why or how I could do this. I am so hurt by what Ive done and I know I dont deserve any sympathy because I did this to myself, and FOR NOTHING, I just feel like a different person, and feel like Im lying to her everytime I look her in the eye, and that I dont deserve her anymore. This is so far from the person I am. I know that all I want to do is be the best person I can be to her everyday and love her and always be respectful, but I have been in such a dark place mentally for so long. Im just worried Im going to self destruct and spill everything and ruin my life.
I agree with the advice you have received.
You need to work with the therapist to learn how to stop the drama. You are catastrophizing this, and while it is definitely not a thing to be proud of, you've blown it WAY out of proportion. She DOES know, and give her more credit, she probably already knows there is more to the story.
You using such big dramatic words, and talking about this like it's the end of the world is only fueling your anxiety over this. Stay in therapy and figure out how to move past this. If at some point, after a lot of therapy, you and the therapist agree that you should tell her, that's fine. Right now, you're in no shape to make that decision, as you're basing it completely on guilt abnd regret, that's NOT a good reason to tell your GF. That's actually very selfish.
Please get yourself some help.
Thanks Tink. I do see where you are coming from. And I think your right in that her knowing that about me will only do harm. Its a personal issue now, These feelings I have are just so prominent so strong, they are persistent throughout everyday 24/7. I am so incredibly ashamed of myself on so many levels. I am so much better then this. It would be such a shame to ruin this amazing relationship off this one stupid unnecessary event that would have felt better had I done it myself or had my gf done it. I cant believe that the first time I was ever unfaithful was for this disgusting (honestly gross, not attractive - why im also at a loss) strippers cheap offer for hand stimulation (for HAND! HANDDD!! oh my god). I just am having a hard time still accepting what Ive done. Its literally the complete opposite of the spectrum of the person I am and have always been. I just feel like I reached the point of no return in what I have said, and I am uncomfortable with what I had said compared to what I let happen. This was the definition of an isolated event, I just cant believe how weak I was at that moment. I cant believe I did that. I just wish I had never lied. I should have said it all or nothing at all, and now I have a constant feeling shame guilt and disgust all the time that I lied to her face and did this behind her back. I love her to death and I need her more then anything. This whole thing makes no sense to me. How could I be so stupid. It was the most unsatisfying unnecessary experience of my life, and a minute long and its managed to ruin me and if I was single and saw that girl at a bar I wouldnt approach her. She was honestly gross, Im dumfounded. I think I am clinically depressed. I never lie, I understand tht my lies are just a result of the level of shame i feel for what I have done, and i wasnt trying to intentionally deceive her, I lied before I even thought about lying in my confession. I wish I ripped the bandaid off in one swoop.
I get what You are saying - and I appreciate Your articulation in saying it.
I didn't say "it was as 'simple' as a 'lapse of judgement,'" just to clarify, lol.
And what I meant with the "completely human" statement was just that...it is a typical and expected thing of human behavior in everyone to face times of judgement lapses and making mistakes. The severity of the mistake carries its own severity of consequences.
However, the best way to handle any mistake is accept the consequences for what they are, learn from it, repent and seek forgiveness where it is due (including one's own self), and move forward as a more mature, experienced, learned person from it. This is where bigmistake2222 has let himself fall short.
I really felt the need to clarify that, because in no way am I saying that infidelity, promiscuity, and dishonesty (or any other sin) is excused because mistakes are expected in human behavior. Everyone is capable of acting on the worst behaviors and having judgemental lapses. No one is immune from that. But when sin happens, pain and suffering results on some level, and in order to move forward with life, that pain and suffering needs a way to recover and hopefully heal.
I agree with AHP84 in Her last advice to You (except, I disagree that what You did is a "completely human" thing to do, and that it was as "simple" as a "lapse of judgement"). BUT, I DO AGREE that You need more therapy. I would point out (again!!) that if You have been unable to "forgive" YourSelf, then You must realize She may not be able to "forgive" You either - so - work through this and spare Her!! If You cannot live with what You have done, then leave Her, BUT DON'T TELL HER WHAT YOU DID. She really, really does not need to know that about You!!
You've had good advice here but You still seem BENT on telling Her and I simply don't know how many ways You need to keep being told this is not a good idea!!
WE ARE ALL REPEATING OURSELVES!!
That being said, I'm done!!
Here is my best and final advice to you:
Please get into regular, consistent therapy sessions to begin working through this problem for your own sake of beginning the healing process. Once you've had X number of sessions with the therapist by yourself discussing all of this, let the therapist determine whether or not it will benefit you, your quality of life, your girlfriend, and your relationship together if you were to tell her all the details.
Do not proceed with telling your girlfriend anything until you do this for yourself first. You are falling apart and it's over something completely human of anyone to do. You made a mistake, a lapse in judgement, you felt guilt and shame and tried to hide it. This is HUMAN of you--every person capable of thought and action does these things throughout their lifetime, again and again. Sometimes what happens is more serious and has worse consequences than other occurances, but in the end, a mistake is a mistake, and you owe it to yourself to be able to learn from it and move forward. You are not moving forward, and you are suffering greatly and in that, you are further increasing your risks of bad judgement calls and mistakes as you become physically sickly, sleep deprived, smoking, losing your appetite, and whatever else. This will ultimately affect your relationship in the end anyway if you don't get help now.
You NEED to get past this, and since you are having so much trouble doing it on your own, get help, seek the guidance of someone who is professionally trained in working with relationship counseling AND individual counseling. Spend a few sessions in individual counseling, and go from there according to the guidance of the therapist.
At this point, I really think you owe this to yourself moreso than your relationship.