Please Help Me... I need advice ASAP

[bigmistake22]

I am in a seriously committed relationship with the complete love of my life. Weve shared over 4 amazing years together. She is the best thing in the whole world and Ive always been the most perfect amazing person I could ever be for her and have always made her the happiest girl in the world. She is my soulmate and I want nothing more then to treat her like a queen until the day I die and grow old together with a beautiful family. I have always been a sweet loving person until i screwed up big time and Ive hated myself ever since. I have always been loyal and never cheated on anyone nor thought I even could. Awhile ago, i went with a few of my friends on a guys weekend and we ended up at a strip club. I never go to these places and went with the same group of guys to vegas for a fiends bachelor party a couple of years ago. In vegas we went to the strip club 2 nights in a row and I never let a stripper come near me. My friends all have long-term girlfriends but are the type of guys who routinely get lapdances from strippers and some even more, while i always looked down upon this and never partook in these kind of activities. However this time around, i was at the strip club and got solicited by one of the dancers to go for a lap dance in the private area of the club as all my friends were doing. I was drunk, felt a bit pressured by the girl but I made a stupid but conscious decision to, I have no one to blame but myself. This girl was gross and I honestly dont remember what she looks like. Right away when we got to the couches the girl grabbed my privates over my pants and asked what we were going to do. I said Im not interested in anything like that! She said will you at least stay for 2 dances. I said I couldnt as we were about to leave the club soon to go to the casino. So she said if you pay me for 2 dances Ill make this one alot better..implying that she would let me touch her and also touch me down there.

[bigmistake2222]

I saw a new therapist today. A woman who was very helpful. She said from what I know of you, you sound like a person who values honesty. And whats killing me and eating me is that im not living with integrity. Im not the person I want to be. Im not acting according to my beliefs and values, and that im in a position that im damned if i do tell and damned if i dont tell her. Im not a dishonest person. If i dont tell her, i will always be hiding and never let myself be loved for all that i am. I will not be able to be 100% intimate and the partner i need to be and that will cause its own problems. I will also not be respecting her and be building this relationship moving forward on a broken foundation. I think i need to be held accountable here. I need to show my failure. I recognize the travesty that it is and have learned so much that this is the last place i ever want to be in my life. Ive failed on 3 deal breakers, faithfulness, dishonesty and smoking. I cant be one with her if im not 100% transparent. I cant live with a secret or enter into a marriage with a secret of this kind.  I dont think this is something i can personally hide for the next 70 years even though its dealt with and in the past never to be done again and meant absolutely nothing. I am a very emotional person, and I cant hide the pain i have in my heart. I know that shes dealt with this enough, but this is eating me up, and i know the consequences may work out horribly and what I fear most is that im being too overly dramatic and fear the unknown aftermath of this and that she may never look at me the same way. But its been 8 months and the option of concealment may not be the best for me afterall. I agree with nursegirl that she does know alot and probably already knows theres more to it. But she deserves to hear it from me. I am so angry at myself for this and am so incredibly ashamed. Im going to take a few days to decide what i need to tell her and how to do it but i think im out of options. I am so saddened by the damage and pain i have caused and may still cause by this. I wish I was one of those people who were able to not let their conscience tear them apart, but im a sensitive fool who doesnt want to live with a lie between himself and partner forever

[nursegirl6572]

Have you taken ANY of the suggestions that were offered?  Have you sought any help?  You're just spinning in circles.  I wouldn't tell her a thing until you get yourself into some therapy and get into a different mindset.  You can weigh the options with a therapist.

That's really the best option right now...because you continue to stay in crisis mode, and that's not good.

[bigmistake2222]

I dont know what to do. I cant believe my actions. I dont think I can live with this secret my whole life. I feel like I can not accept her love, and want to be truly forgiven (and I recognize that that may not be possible and the consequences of which could be life shattering for both of us), but I think what Ive done is incredibly disrespectful and the ongoing dishonesty is a slap in the face, like I dont respect her. Every time I get told how much she loves me and how perfect I am I feel like thats now based on a LIE (that I showed resistance and got up during this whole event that I let transpire). Which it is. Shes told me that you are perfect and made one stupid mistake and youve learned to never do it again (but she doesnt know the full extent and lack of restraint bc I lied and said it was 10 seconds, i know she has her doubts that more happened bc I also told her I got tested for STDs from this event (negative results) when I confessed). I love her to death, I cant picture my life for a second without her. Im completely broken, and traumatized. But Ive treated her so unfairly and like a fool. Im so disgusted with myself. I cant believe how far Ive fallen and how much of an sleazbag I can be.

I realize that I did not actively pursue this kind of contact. I thought I was going to go for a normal lapdance (which Ive never done until now in my relationship) I put myself in a position where I should have never been. I was initially offered extras and rejected. I got lowballed and agreed to get "touched" under my boxers. I was naive to think that it would be a gentle pet or 2 (i didnt think I was consenting to a full out handjob, I agree that this is wrong in itself, and cheating but I didnt realize what I was getting myself into)  I was tested and failed to stop it. Ive been miserable ever since and have grown to hate myself for these actions.  I dont think I can enter a marriage with a secret like this but I the only thing I want to do in this life is marry her and grow old together but Im so afraid of the fact that I could have ruined a perfect marriage for some sickening hand stimulation which was completely useless. I think I have to tell her. She knows me and knows when something is bothering me, Its been 8 months and I am completely guilt ridden in my every action. What would you do in my situation?

[Kirstie_MHModerator]

Very thoughtful offer, and I hope the OP takes you up on it.  This whole situation makes me sad, and I hope "bigmistake" can find a way to deal with the feelings of guilt.

[brice1967]

Hey man.  Perhaps you should send me a PM.  I've been in similar shoes and maybe I can offer some help.

[bigmistake2222]

Thanks for your comment. I am just so completely disgusted with myself. I acted like an animal, like a completely different person that night. I didnt even know I had that in me. Its just that Ive never cheated in my life... and then I go and cheat on the complete love of my life who I love with every part of me for this unattractive strippers cheap hand stimulation. She is my whole world. I am so ashamed and this whole thing makes no sense. Its completely out of left field. Im just so disgusted that I 1 I did this and 2 I lied to her twice. The whole thing was so unnecessary and I just cant believe what Ive done to my once perfect life. Therapy is expensive and I cant afford the number of sessions you are recommending. In the sessions I did have he did mention catastrophizing, I am just having a hard time explaining why or how I could do this. I am so hurt by what Ive done and I know I dont deserve any sympathy because I did this to myself, and FOR NOTHING, I just feel like a different person, and feel like Im lying to her everytime I look her in the eye, and that I dont deserve her anymore. This is so far from the person I am. I know that all I want to do is be the best person I can be to her everyday and love her and always be respectful, but I have been in such a dark place mentally for so long. Im just worried Im going to self destruct and spill everything and ruin my life.