ROCD/lack of relationships

[lving4today]

Hi 23 year old male, I seem to have a problem with making connections with people romantically. The problem isn't getting someone to love me but feeling that for someone else. I had few relationships growing up, but a serious one when I was 17. I was madly in love with this girl and It felt like she was too. Then after 6 months broke it off with me for her ex but strung me along up until I was about 21 and I finally wised up. Started dating this girl I sorta knew and it was amazing, up until she said I love you and things felt pressured. And then I found she lied to me about having herpes. We were off and on for over a year because I kept doubting myself and asking "do I love her?" "No I don't" "but I do" back and forth. In hindsight I'm sure I loved her. After that me and a close friend hooked up and things were just run for like 6 months until she wanted more and I didn't. She ended up talking to a friend of mine and it made
Me jealous. I thought it was because I had feelings so we dated but I ruined it because 3 days in I doubted my feelings for her to the point I was getting nervous, sweating, not eating etc.


I've never been good about relationships or meeting people. My parents are divorced, my brother has a drug fueled horrible marriage and my other brother got left 10 years later with no warning. It's always been a joke that I'm incapable of love or never getting married, but I'm getting to think its actually true or that I've convinced myself. Everyone makes it seem so easy, and I just can't fathom it. 2 weeks ago a random thought am
I gay? Popped in my head and my anxiety went through the roof and has been
Ever since, I've always found women attractive so I've been trying to reassure myself and checking everyone out. I feel like my heads going to explode. I'm seeing a therapist on Thursday, but j was wondering if anyone had any insight? Are these all obsessive thoughts that I'm letting take control? I've done the same with hypochondria before. I feel so lost.

[lving4today]

Thank you for your reply. I'm seeing a therapist on Thursday, which I'm nervous about as is. I've never been good at discussing my feelings.

I don't think I'm gay either, but after exhausting all explanations my mind came to that.

It wasn't a serious problem until I look back at these women who are more than perfect, love me madly, are hot, and I can't reciprocate the same level of feelings. It's like my mind won't allow me to be happy and I self sabotage everything over nothing.

I have it so made because every woman usually just ends up in my life/bed without any effort on my part and then I can never emotionally become invested

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to med help.  Well, what you describe is something that others feel too.  Don't feel so unusual in this.  It's good to know that you aren't alone.  Have you considered talking to a therapist to sort out where you are at with this whole thing?  Fear of commitment, being hurt, etc. can really wreak havoc on a relationship.  Exploring it with a professional is a great way to try to overcome it.

I doubt you are gay if you've been in relationships with women and they are working, you're generally attracted to women and aren't attracted to men, etc.  I think you are alright there.  :>)

If you desire a true relationship, I really think you need to talk to someone about where you are stuck.  good luck