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Regaining trust.
I saw this website once while I was searching for relationship advices and thought that maybe I should post my own story here. My fiancee and I have been together for a while and are expecting a baby. I'm already now 5 month pregnant. We were young and happy when we first met, I was 18 and he was already 27, he has been in a serious relationship which lasted for about 6 years before and already had his heart broken. I was young, never dated any guy seriously, never really knew what love was like or what was important in a relationship. He told me in the beginning before we even started dating that he had trust issues. But I never really knew what that means. I thought It was simple, I thought if he loved me he would just forgive me and that's it. That's why I wasn't open about my past. Everything that I was embarrassed of , I lied to him about it. I just thought as long as I didn't do anything to him in the future, as long as I didn't cheat on him, didn't lie to him when we're together , I would be fine, and that solves the case. But I was completely wrong. Everything blew out. He found out, and I was too scared to admit. It was too late. I was already pregnant at the time. He eventually forgave me, many times and I eventually realised what was going on. I tried to find out how to regain his trust but it's almost impossible. I tried to tell him I was sorry and would be responsible for what I had done. I tried to be open with emails, facebook, phone...I always tried to admit things, even when it sounds terrible It wouldn't mind him knowing that piece of my life. It just doesn't work. He can't trust me anymore and I know he's upset. He stays with me, he doesn't leave, because he doesn't want to abandon me with our baby, and I know he loves me too. But it makes me feel even worse. It makes me feel like I have locked himself up, like I make him miserable because now everything I say he won't believe it even when it's just a small thing. I feel terrible. I don't want him to be like this. I want him to be happy with me, I tell him to just leave me if it makes him feel happy but he denied. I love him so much and he's the nicest guy I have ever met during my whole life. Any girl would feel so lucky to have him around and I was that lucky to have met him but I just have to be stupid enough to screw things up. I would do anything to make him trust me again, or to make him happy again. I just want him to know that I care about his feelings and am willing to do whatever it takes to save our relationship. I can't live without him, I love him too much, even when I tell him to go, a part of me just hope he would somehow say no and just forget things because he shouldn't be worried anymore. But it just can't be that simple. I wish I could just go back in time and fix things. I'm so desperate. I know he should never be worried anymore and I know once we work things out, our relationship would be even better than before. And I want him to enjoy that moment. What should I do to make our relationship better?
I agree with the others - he's got EXACTLY what he wants. He's got a woman who's very good to him, and he has the privilege of torturing her which is exactly what he wants. A sweet woman to torture.
I'd get out of there, even though you're pregnant. My guess is, if he couldn't find something about you to hang over your head and make you miserable, he'd have been out of this relationship on and on to one where he could make someone as miserable as you are.
He looks unhappy - he isn't. He's happy as a clam.
I'd get out of there, even though you're pregnant. My guess is, if he couldn't find something about you to hang over your head and make you miserable, he'd have been out of this relationship on and on to one where he could make someone as miserable as you are.
He looks unhappy - he isn't. He's happy as a clam.
Did you read Specialmom's post? Because I have a very strong suspicion that that is exactly what's going on here. I'm specifically talking about this part where she said,:
"If HE is damaged goods because of past cheating on him, HE needs to address that. he can't make every situation into something comparable to what happened to him before and make you suffer for it."
As far as I can tell, that is what happened here. He is punishing you for what people in his past did to him, which is completely unfair to you, and you should be furious about him find that to you instead of twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to please him like a little dog.
The fact of the matter is, if all you lied about was the people you dated before him, then big deal? Who cares? Why would people you dated before you ever met him and before he even knew you existed make any difference to him? It has absolutely nothing to do with him! If he gets mad about it then there is something seriously mentally wrong with him. He has no control over anything that happened in the past, neither do you, neither does anyone else. You need to make him understand that you are who you are now and that is who he is dating and if he has a problem with that, he can take a flying leap!
If he continues to punish you for his own issues within himself related to trusting others then you need to leave him. I know you're very young and very inexperienced but I'm telling you that guys who punish their current girlfriends for the sins and mistakes of their ex girlfriends are not worth the time. They will never stop judging everything you do,they will make you bend over backwards for them and it still won't ever be right. The relationship will end eventually because the guy's trust issues make him completely unbearable to deal with on any long term basis. Also, those types turn into controlling manipulators so you need to keep your eyes open for that too. Control and manipulation can turn into abuse and if you keep living in this fantasy world you've created in your mind that he's such a perfect guy then you'll turn a blind eye to the control and abuse until it is too late and you wind up in the hospital. I've seen it a hundred times with naive and inexperienced girls just like you who walk around with blinders on and refuse to see the guy for what he truly is.
"If HE is damaged goods because of past cheating on him, HE needs to address that. he can't make every situation into something comparable to what happened to him before and make you suffer for it."
As far as I can tell, that is what happened here. He is punishing you for what people in his past did to him, which is completely unfair to you, and you should be furious about him find that to you instead of twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to please him like a little dog.
The fact of the matter is, if all you lied about was the people you dated before him, then big deal? Who cares? Why would people you dated before you ever met him and before he even knew you existed make any difference to him? It has absolutely nothing to do with him! If he gets mad about it then there is something seriously mentally wrong with him. He has no control over anything that happened in the past, neither do you, neither does anyone else. You need to make him understand that you are who you are now and that is who he is dating and if he has a problem with that, he can take a flying leap!
If he continues to punish you for his own issues within himself related to trusting others then you need to leave him. I know you're very young and very inexperienced but I'm telling you that guys who punish their current girlfriends for the sins and mistakes of their ex girlfriends are not worth the time. They will never stop judging everything you do,they will make you bend over backwards for them and it still won't ever be right. The relationship will end eventually because the guy's trust issues make him completely unbearable to deal with on any long term basis. Also, those types turn into controlling manipulators so you need to keep your eyes open for that too. Control and manipulation can turn into abuse and if you keep living in this fantasy world you've created in your mind that he's such a perfect guy then you'll turn a blind eye to the control and abuse until it is too late and you wind up in the hospital. I've seen it a hundred times with naive and inexperienced girls just like you who walk around with blinders on and refuse to see the guy for what he truly is.
I basically lied about my relationships in the past, about who I went out with and what I did. I was afraid of being judged and was ashamed. But now I don't feel like that anymore, I feel like he's my best friend and we could even share our darkest secrets. It's probably too late now. Thanks for your reply.
Hi, Thanks for you reply. I was insecure. I was afraid of losing him, of being judged. He is the love of my life I was too scared to admit cause I think it might hurt him, disappoint him or it might push him away from me.
I apologized to him and tried to tell him the reason why I lied and I'm willing to change. He eventually forgave me but then if anything happens, even when it's really simple he will just be worried, doubtful that I was doing something else and not being straightforward about what happens and it eventually pisses me off. He makes himself miserable. And he makes me miserable. I'm so regretful that I started this but he changed me to be a better person, I would never lie to him about anything even when it doesn't sound nice at all about my life which I do try to come clean with him. We still love each other very much, we both know it but he reminds me about what I did to him every week. If he makes me extremely happy this week he will make me miserable, regretful, shameful, on the week after and I can't say anything about that because it was my fault in the first place.
I want to be with him, to love him, to have a family with him and even to grow old with him, I would do anything to have that. We are even having a baby now, at first we were so happy about it, but later then when the miserable time comes, he makes me feel like the only reason he's here because I'm pregnant, that I'm making him miserable for not giving him his perfect relationship, that I'm keeping him here because I'm selfish. Even when sometimes, we feel loved, we smile to each other but deep down inside I'm not happy, because I know he's gonna do that to me again eventually, now or later.
I'm afraid there would be a time i realise I can't do this anymore, I can't suffer anymore and then I will push him away myself which would be really painful and sad but he's giving me no choice. And I don't want it to happen.
I apologized to him and tried to tell him the reason why I lied and I'm willing to change. He eventually forgave me but then if anything happens, even when it's really simple he will just be worried, doubtful that I was doing something else and not being straightforward about what happens and it eventually pisses me off. He makes himself miserable. And he makes me miserable. I'm so regretful that I started this but he changed me to be a better person, I would never lie to him about anything even when it doesn't sound nice at all about my life which I do try to come clean with him. We still love each other very much, we both know it but he reminds me about what I did to him every week. If he makes me extremely happy this week he will make me miserable, regretful, shameful, on the week after and I can't say anything about that because it was my fault in the first place.
I want to be with him, to love him, to have a family with him and even to grow old with him, I would do anything to have that. We are even having a baby now, at first we were so happy about it, but later then when the miserable time comes, he makes me feel like the only reason he's here because I'm pregnant, that I'm making him miserable for not giving him his perfect relationship, that I'm keeping him here because I'm selfish. Even when sometimes, we feel loved, we smile to each other but deep down inside I'm not happy, because I know he's gonna do that to me again eventually, now or later.
I'm afraid there would be a time i realise I can't do this anymore, I can't suffer anymore and then I will push him away myself which would be really painful and sad but he's giving me no choice. And I don't want it to happen.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I feel really strongly that if he, a 27 year old man, put you, an 18 year old girl on the spot about your past years ago and you felt so judged that you lied, it was wrong of him to put you on the spot.
If you lied about something like how many people you were intimate with, shame on him for asking and years later being mad at you for being uncomfortable with that subject and giving a false answer.
I don't condone lying but what would be the root cause for your lying? Afraid he'd judge you? Or insecurity and trying to make yourself look better.
Certainly, this man can understand that and not make it completely about him and his 'trust' issues.
So, again, it isn't a good thing to lie at all and if you have a pattern of that, you need to address it. But if early on, you fibbed out of fear of his reaction or trying t boost yourself up------- I would think he could forgive you. he's almost a decade older than you.
So, apologize for lying. Tell him why in plain language (I was insecure. I was afraid you'd judge me. I wanted to be with you and wanted to make myself seem cooler or I wanted to be with you and didn't want you to not be with me because of X." And then apologize. And he either moves on or the relationship will probably not work.
If HE is damaged goods because of past cheating on him, HE needs to address that. he can't make every situation into something comparable to what happened to him before and make you suffer for it.
So, hopefully it will work out now that you are having a child together. peace
If you lied about something like how many people you were intimate with, shame on him for asking and years later being mad at you for being uncomfortable with that subject and giving a false answer.
I don't condone lying but what would be the root cause for your lying? Afraid he'd judge you? Or insecurity and trying to make yourself look better.
Certainly, this man can understand that and not make it completely about him and his 'trust' issues.
So, again, it isn't a good thing to lie at all and if you have a pattern of that, you need to address it. But if early on, you fibbed out of fear of his reaction or trying t boost yourself up------- I would think he could forgive you. he's almost a decade older than you.
So, apologize for lying. Tell him why in plain language (I was insecure. I was afraid you'd judge me. I wanted to be with you and wanted to make myself seem cooler or I wanted to be with you and didn't want you to not be with me because of X." And then apologize. And he either moves on or the relationship will probably not work.
If HE is damaged goods because of past cheating on him, HE needs to address that. he can't make every situation into something comparable to what happened to him before and make you suffer for it.
So, hopefully it will work out now that you are having a child together. peace
I think that all you can do now is ALWAYS be completely honest about everything.. SHOW him that he can trust you...
Your past is just that.. The past! You messed up by lying but you were scared..
Your past is just that.. The past! You messed up by lying but you were scared..
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. I'm trying to understand exactly what happened. You lied to him about your experience prior to dating him? And he's found out you told some untruths about that? Is that what you are saying happened?
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