Should I tell him how I feel?!

[BlackRipley]

This time a year ago, I met a guy (I’ll call him Thor) from an online dating website.
We hit if off immediately, and i really like him.
It ended after I told him I don’t feel like he was being forthcoming enough, that I want things to start progressing more. He said he was happy with the pace that we were going, although he thought a lot of me and definitely liked me. I was gutted he didn’t want things to progress.
In the end, he said he had a great time with me, but thought there would be friction between us if we tried to be together. (He also told me in the mix of it all ending, that he is border like autistic, and doesn’t always pick up on any ‘signs’ I give or feeling’s I try to put across)
Fast forward a year - I’ve met other guys, only one I liked really: and he ended up hurting me and being a douche. No one has ever really compared to Thor, or made me feel like he did. I looked at his social media once a few months back and saw he had met someone, and wasn’t really surprised.
3 weeks ago I was on my online dating account, and he pops up as a message. I won’t deny my excitement. He simply said he had seen me pop up and wanted to say hello and hopes I am well. I responded surprised to see you here. He told me he had met someone but she’d broken his heart.
I said it would be lovely to see him again for a casual coffee, he said it would be great to catch up and we can swap dating horror stories....
(I don’t want a casual coffee, I only said that because I’d love to see him again. Because I’d like him to look at me and be all dddaaaammnn why did I let her go she’s great)
We’ve enchanted texts since. He asked me 2 weeks ago if I’m free for coffee and I wasn’t.
Suggested one date since and he wasn’t free. Texted him a couple of days ago just casual - said to let me know when he’s ‘free for that coffee’ he said ‘yeah cool’
Even typing this I feel ridiculous, but I’ve never been able to get him of of head... I never expected to hear from him again. His messages to me have been nothing but platonic. As much as I am hoping he will arrange a coffee with me soon, I want him to want me, and deep down I know he won’t. So do I stop worrying, and see him for a drink, who knows he might feel how I want him to?! Should I tell him I’d love to see you again but there’s a chance for me the feeling’s could come back?! Or is that just ridiculous?! I don’t know what to do really. I wish he hadn’t of contacted me again really.... do guys just message to say hey hope you’re ok without wanting anything more?! An I being ridiculous... why do I want him when he doesn’t want me?! Should I tell him how I feel?!  

[AnnieBrooke]

If you do really "know deep down he doesn't want me" (I mean, if you're not just saying that to be hyperbolic) and if before, when you were seeing each other, he clearly said he didn't want a complete relationship that would progress to something serious, you might consider the opposite approach to asking him to get together now. You might instead try to face that probably more than half of your attraction to him is made up in your own head by filling in your favorite fantasy details from inadequate cues, and it's not in fact who he is. He has said he is borderline autistic. Does that attribute feature strongly in your love fantasies? What would it be like to "pour your heart out" to him and have him not understand you, or respond inappropriately like tell friends because he didn't figure it was private? Has he ever done anything in real life when you were together that indicated deep understanding of you, the ability to love and protect you, and interest in putting you before himself? Sometimes when we want to love someone, we take a guy who is about 20% of what we want and project the other 80% onto his hapless image, just so we can love someone. I wonder if you are doing this.

[BlackRipley]

Quite possibly yes that is what I am doing. I don’t really know. I’m very confused. All I know is I’ve been dating for a year now, and no one has come close to the connection I had with this guy. I am certainly ‘out there’ and dating other guys. It’s jus my this one got under my skin, and I don’t know why.

[AnnieBrooke]

Frankly, I'd let the whole matter drop. You run the risk of sounding like a bit of a stalker or obsessed. Let him pick up the ball if he wants to play.

[BlackRipley]

Whilst I fully respect your opinion and your taking the time to write this is appreciated, I feel those comments are somewhat harsh.
I’m certainly not obsessed with him, having not contacted him for a year, and would never have done so.
I don’t think he will ever ‘want’ me but I feel I need some closure, and think that’s the reason I’ve heard from him again. I hold the belief everything happens for a reason.
Thank you again for your time.

[AnnieBrooke]

I was responding to you saying "I kind of want to pour my heart out to him" about a guy you haven't seen for a year and who has not made it simple to get together. I wasn't saying you sound like a stalker, I was saying that to him you might, or that you run that risk. Good luck with your meeting this weekend. I hope it was light, warm and fun.

[auntiejessi]

So a few things...

First, I have no idea what "borderline autistic" actually means. Is he on the autism spectrum disorder? Has he been actually diagnosed?

In any case, like specialmom said, people on the spectrum often have a harder time picking up on social cues that you or I might get right away. Dropping hints doesn't work well. (Obviously, people on the spectrum are all different, and these are all generalities, and I haven't ever met your friend.)

I absolutely agree with specialmom. Just be direct. What do you have to lose at this point? "Hey, wanna do coffee on Sunday around 11?" Or say, "Listen, I'd like to try our relationship again. I love being your friend, but think we could be great as more. What do you think?"

Why do you care about seeming needy at this point? You have a need, and want to know if he can meet it. Your hints aren't working, and lots of men who aren't on the spectrum don't get hints, either. Just say it. Be direct, not tongue in cheek.

The worst he can say is no, right? Being the cool, non-needy girl isn't working for you here (and it's a waste of time and feeds into a whole stigma of women, anyway, but I won't get into that, and you should be thankful for that lol), so be direct.

If he thinks you're needy and whatnot, this isn't the guy for you.

You can totally do this. Let us know. :)

[BlackRipley]

Thanks for your reply  and advice.

I am sorry for my poor wording. He told me he’s been diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum.

I definitely think I should be more direct but am probably too scared to hear what I know I will.

Thank you again.

[BlackRipley]

Hello there:
I just wanted to let you know that I messaged him this morning, and am seeing him this weekend.
My views have changed though. Nothing romantic will come of this, but there is unfinished business, at least for me.
I believe everything happens for a reason. And he contacted me again, so I believe the reason is for me to see him again, and realise it’s never going to be.
I was really scared posting on here about what people will say. It’s why I’ve not talked to anyone. I know I may seem stupid but am grateful for your time and advice, thank you.

[auntiejessi]

You don't seem stupid at all, and I'm sorry if I said anything that made you feel that way.

I'm sorry you feel nothing romantic will come from this, or if anything we've said changed your mind, but you're a capable woman who knows her own feelings. I hope the meeting goes well this weekend, and let us know what happens. If nothing else, I hope you have fun and it's good to see him again.

:)

[specialmom]

It does help to talk.  Talk away any time.  So, really though, if he is a person who doesn't get nuances, things like hints aren't likely to work.  You have to be direct.  Are you free Friday, Saturday or Sunday This week for coffee?  I'm open and flexible and will make any time work.     It's certainly not playing hard to get, lol.  But if your end result is meeting up with him, this leaves no room for misunderstanding that he didn't get the hint or not.  You are giving three days to pick a time.  If he chooses not, then you know.

I don't think it is dumb to want closure.  And he DID contact you and mention the get together himself.  On the other hand, we tend to ruminate over someone until we have it built up to they are the person we should marry when it is mostly based on our mind obsessing over them.  That's is probably part of this.  Should you start to date him, I think you have to remain objective to getting to know him again and understanding that you two did have some issues that would need to be dealt with as a couple.  

But if it were me, I'd just make a direct overture to get together this weekend or next that you can't wonder if he got the hint or not.  :>)

[BlackRipley]

Damn your good!

Ok so how should I even word it?! I know it’s going to sound a bit needy! Or should I say something like ‘can I catch you for a coffee on Sunday before you sod off to Dubai’ something a bit tongue in cheek?!  

[specialmom]

I would just be very direct.  But wait, he's leaving for Dubai?  How long will he be gone?  Did I miss that?  He's about to leave?  

[BlackRipley]

Thank you again For your reply.

Yes he told me on Sunday he’s ‘going to Dubai in a week and a half’ to visit his friend. I don’t know how long for but hate the idea of this dragging on for weeks. I am doing my head in lol.

[specialmom]

Oh, okay.  Well I'm not sure where you are located. For me, going to Dubai would be a whew, huge trip!  Being gone is always going to cause chaos before I leave getting ready to be gone, packing, etc.  

So, with that said, wait until he returns. Give him a few days and shoot for the following weekend to give a direct question about 'hey, are you free Friday, Saturday or Sunday for that coffee.  I'm flexible and will make whatever work!  And I want to hear about your trip!"  Something along those lines.

[BlackRipley]

Hello there.
So we’re in the UK so yes big trip to Dubai.
However I’m done with worrying, so I messaged him this morning, and am seeing him this weekend.
My views have changed though. I know nothing romantic will come of it. But he messaged me, and I believe everything happens for a reason.
As you know I went through a very traumatic break up (nearly 2 years ago now) and I am ?very lonely, but I do have standards, I won’t beg anyone to be in my life.
I therefore have concluded I need to see him again, to get some closure, for me to close the book. He can then go off to a Dubai, and I can keep dreaming I’ll meet someone.
It took a lot for me to post this and I felt very scared about the comments I would receive, so thank you for being to kind to me. I really do appreciate you giving me your time, thank you.

[specialmom]

Hi!  Glad you are here.  I swear, I've had this same experience (well, similar with different details).  Right?  The not knowing is hard.  Two theories . . .  first, the old cliché "nothing risked, nothing gained".  Taking a risk makes you vulnerable.  But it 'could' net you an outcome you think would be fantastic.  You, yourself, have to keep reality in check. We tend to romanticize people where we don't have closure and we long for them.  Borderline autistic can mean a lot of things these days and shouldn't be a deal breaker.  But it means you'd have to accept that he may have trouble connecting emotionally at times, not understand signs, social cues, clues to how you feel even when you think you are being really obvious.  You can't assume anything with him in terms of trying to read his emotions or thinking he is reading yours.  But you seem to have unfinished business here.  So, you could be direct and clear.  Tell him you really want to set up this coffee date to talk to him.  You were happy to see his text and idea to get together made you happy so you'd like to make it happen.  I know you just did and he said ya, cool.  So, maybe said in a few days, send him two or three days  you are free and if he is not, ask him when he is.  Try to close the deal. lol  I think you'll have to read the situation when you are with him for how to proceed from there.  

You don't want to scare him off.   I do think I wouldn't waste 'much' time though in determining if it is 100 percent friends on his part.  And if you feel it is, don't waste your time.  You have feelings for him and it doesn't work, in my opinion, to be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for.  The relationship is then always out of balance.  

You could also invite him to do something other than coffee to have something fresh to approach him with.  tell him there is a place you want to try, does he want to meet there for lunch.  just something different to offer.  But you know him and what would be more natural.

The alternative is to just do nothing.  If he is really interested in meeting up with you, he'll give you some dates to do it.  If he never does, he is not truly interested.  (although, maybe he is afraid of the same things you are).  

I do think you risk getting hurt.  But in life, those are the best risks to take in my opinion.  And you always think of him, it would be good to put an end cap on it if it is never ever going to happen.  By the way, my sister went out on two dates with a man that she liked.  He never called her again.  A year later they bumped into each other.  A year after that, they were married. Not putting false hope in there but . . . it happens.  :>)))))

[BlackRipley]

Thank you for your reply!

[BlackRipley]

All of your advice is so good, and so appreciated!

I definitely do not want to scare him off. Which is difficult when I kind of want to pour my heart out to him. Even though I know it’s ridiculous.

I don’t want to message him again about our ‘catch up’ mainly because I told him I have some time off work this week, hoping that could be a big hint to ask me if I’m free... but he didn’t.

I feel like deep down I know he doesn’t want me, but I cannot get my head around why I’ve never really gotten over him. Why he’s got under my skin so much.

Sorry if I’m repeating myself it helps to talk!