Struggling with trust

[scarlett666]

So my bf who I have been living with over a year is currently deployed. Last year I noticed his behavior had changed and he was hiding something from me. Sure enough he was, he had text messages to several girls, asked them for their pictures complimented them and told them how much he liked them. I did not find anything that indicated he had met up with them as several of them were out of state. Anyways I was very upset and was leaving. He told me it all meant nothing to them and sent several messages out to these girls telling them to back off. He said he was sorry but he could not say why he did what he did. He said he was being stupid. He did mention that he had never dated with someone to the point of moving them in and that he didn't realize our relationship would be what it is. Anyways I gave him one chance. Ever since then it has been extremely hard to trust him, little things upset me, now he downloads loads of porn and I told him how that makes me feel and yet I don't think he sees it. He says it's just porn. And then he lied to me about talking to one of those girls I saw messages between the two of them where he does tell her he's with me and that he doesn't want to upset so that's why he doesn't want to be her friend anymore, but then she replies sorry no worries but please check in once in a while I would hate to lose you as a friend. I am upset that he hid it from me. Granted there was nothing wrong in the messages I saw them but I do not feel comfortable with that friendship especially knowing that she was one of the girls that sent her picture in. We have had our fights and he has done things to show he cares. He hasn't sent anything out or asked for anything from those girls, he tries to make me happy and smile. He has talked about taking the next step with me and getting married. I met his family he met mine. I met his daughter from his previous marriage. He has shown that he trusts me, before he left he put me in charge of everything and left me with a power of attorney. However, I am having trouble trusting in him still. I feel worried now that he deployed he'll go back to old ways because he knows I'm not around to find out anymore. I am really worried and am on the verge of calling the relationship off. Am I being preemptive? I feel he doesn't care to call anymore and doesn't really feel my absence anymore. Can someone really change or are they dirt bags for good?

[JennieSoSlim]

i believe people can change if they want to, no one can make anyone else change. I have lots of trust issues in my relationship too. He used to have his ex girls calling him and i had arguments with him and them before, he flirted with girls on Facebook telling them the same line he used to get my attention in the beginning, he stood out 5 days without coming home, saying that he was in his boy's house doing business, but he would come home with money but i don't know what he did between those hours, we argued a lot for none sense, he looks at other girls while we are together. I mean i understand that that's what men do but don't break your neck like if i don't exist and they have something i don't because that makes me feel less than a person. But anyway now its really hard to trust him and every time he doesn't pick up or text back or call/text me i think he with someone else. He lives with his bro and i am in a shelter with our sons. We see each other from time to time but its too much to go from Harlem to BK all the time. He says he wants to make me his wife but we need to be stabled first with our own place and job in order for us to be married and happy and i agree but i don't trust him far away from me. He don't trust me either and always accusing me of cheating but honestly i am not. So i feel like he has a guilty conscious that is bothering him to the point where he thinks that. But never stress over a man. men come and go. No matter how much you love him, girls are smart enough to know when to let go they just catch too many feelings and get attached and that's okay but you need to be strong for yourself. I wish you luck and i hope you guys the best of your relationship.

[RockRose]

scarlett,  you don't say where he is deployed but I think he needs a lot of slack during this time.

The message he sent was perfect - I think you can trust that the other messages he sends to other women are about the same.

Being deployed is extremely stressful.  He will need you to be his "rock".  If he's in a combat zone right now,  you'll need to support him in ways you didn't even realize when he comes back.  This really isn't the time to nitpick his behavior - he needs someone backing him up.

Best wishes.