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1390847 tn?1344657468

Relationship Falling Apart While Abroad

My boyfriend and best friend of 2 years and I seem to be going in a downward spiral and I'm really lost, confused, and hurt.

I decided to study abroad for 5 months in New Zealand while he stayed in the US.  We started fighting a lot, and 2 months into me being here he one night after fighting got really drunk, cheated on me, did some hardcore drugs, and then dropped out of college 2 days later.  

He told me after all this that he has been really depressed since I left.  It all built up and exploded that one horrible night.  I was incredibly homesick to begin with, and now this added on top has made being here unbearable.  

He absolutely regrets the cheating.  He cut himself and did drugs because he felt so bad.  He cries when he looks at me, and genuinely is disgusted with himself and regrets it more than anything.  But i can't get over it.  He initiated it-- she asked him where I was, he said in New Zealand.  a few hours later he told her to meet him in the woods and they hooked up.  I can't get over the fact he initiated it, and that they had talked about me a few hours before.  He also texted me about her earlier in the night saying that she said she knew me.  He told me he had NO sexual thoughts about her at that time.  And that he did it to make me mad because he drunkenly thought that was the answer to make me really mad (since we were fighting at the time).

Now, there is currently a 17 hour time difference between us (soon to be 18 with daylights savings).  We communicate mainly via iMessage a couple hours of the day.  Those hours have been filled with brutal fights, tears, and just complete torture.  I need to talk about this with him because its how I feel better.  However, he hates talking about it and gets really really unfairly nasty to me when I bring it up.  

On top of it, he is extremely depressed.  He says he loves me, but that he "can't feel anything".  I dont even know if that makes sense.  I told him the only way I think I can get over the cheating is if he shows me a lot of love (something he always had trouble with before because he is bad at expressing emotions).  However, he says he can't because he doesnt feel "lovey" and "sweet".  He says he feels nothing but numb.  But he knows he loves me?

I'm still abroad for a little over a month.  When I return home, it will still be a long distance relationship (but we are only 2 hours away).  WIth jobs though, it makes it difficult to see each other.  The only time we are consistently together is during school, but since he dropped out he is not sure if he wants to go back to the same school.  Which he knows would mean we cannot be together.  

Because our fights were brutal and complete torture...we have decided to just talk lightly and NOT talk about the relationship or him cheating or returning to school until I return home.  The problem is, that is not for over a month and I am left here feeling so horrible I cannot even put it into words.

And when we try and talk "normal" like before he cheated, I feel nauseous.  I feel sooo weird and it makes me incredibly sad and helpless.  Is it normal to feel weird like this after he cheated? Is there a chance I will feel normal again when we are together? It seems like the more we talk how we used to, the more weird it feels and I dont like it.  I feel like it means this relationship is hopeless.

I am also so back and forth on if I even want this relationship.  Is that normal after he cheats? It's literally like one second I think it will work and the next I want NOTHING to do with him.  I had no idea I could even shift to complete opposite sides of the spectrum that fast. I also don't know if I only want to be with him out of habit and because it is comfortable and I had never imagined life without him. Every time we skype all i picture is that girl all over him, and him all over that girl.  Not a minute goes by that I dont play in my mind everything he told me that happened.  

How do I get over this? How do I forgive? He knew how much this trip meant to me and he made it hell.  He was my absolute best friend.  We were soo close.  Weirdly close.  Nothing the other said or did was ever considered weird.  And now I feel so weird even saying "I miss you".  

I am just having such a hard time and I am so confused.  Any input would be really greatly appreciated.  Thank you
9 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome.  Well, here is how I honestly feel.  His reaction to being upset?  Hardcore drugs, cheating and dropping out of school.  Wow, I could not tie my life to anyone that acted that way.  

Yes, he acted  childishly when you were gone.  Actually, he acted in an unstable manner.

Dating is for a very important reason.  We are supposed to look at the person with a critical eye for things that make them a good or bad choice for a long term partner.  He's a really BAD choice.  

I have no tolerance for a person that acts like this.  You ask how you forgive?  Well, I don't know that you do.  You can feel sorry for him as he is a troubled person but then move onto a more healthy person.

Who wants a guy who drops out of school by the way?  You are going places and he's just . . .   not.  he's going to hold you down and back your whole life.  

Love is simply an emotion.  Don't let he fact that you have felt love for him before cloud your vision here.  You will love another again and hopefully a partner that is more stable and healthy.  You can't even properly talk to him about this because he gets all wacky about it.  I mean, really?  No way.  Move on and be done with this guy.  he's not worthy of you.  good luck
Avatar universal
I can think of nothing (underline nothing) You might add that could make this sound more (underline more) disastrous!! :

"He got really D R U N K"
"C H E A T E D on You"("He inititiated it" and "did it to make You mad")
"Did H A R D  C O R E drugs"
"D R O P P E D  O U T of college"
"He  C U T HimSelf"

He gets "really nasty with You" when You talk about it,  He "can't feel
anything", He doesn't feel "lovey" and "sweet", Your fights are "brutal" and "complete torture",  You feel "nauseous" and "sooo weird", You feel "incredibly sad and helpless"

These are Your words, not mine.

How many red flags do You need to spell D I S A S T E R??

I so agree with SpecialMom.  He's not worthy of You.  You do have choice.   I am so sorry for Your pain but You need to realize this is not love.  Real Love doesn't hurt; Love is Caring and Gentle and Kind.

and P.S.
"Absolute Best Friends" A B S O L U T E L Y do not treat "Absolute Best Friends" this way.
Avatar universal
I'm not sure I agree with the comments above.

You are relatively young, and I'm guessing he is too.  At that age, your emotional responses may not be fully developed, and who can honestly say they have never gone and done something stupid when wound up, drunk and/or upset?

In the early aftermath of this, your emotions are bound to be all over the place.  If he loves you, his will be just as bad, and from what you say of his reaction, they are.  He's probably hating himself for what he did, wishes he could just get rid of it like it never happened, but it's always there haunting him just as much as it is you.

It could well be that this relationship can be saved and get back to where it was.  Trying to move past what happened is difficult, and for a while it may feel a bit false, like you are trying to do everyday stuff and are just ignoring the huge issue that's standing over you.  But the longer you do that, the more the normal stuff will feel normal, and the big issue will fade into the distance.

The difficulty is the distance between you, since you don't have the opportunity to spend time together and try and move on with a normal relationship.  On the other hand, you do have time to think on what happened, and fester about it.

Whatever the causes and whoever initiated the argument, what he did was wrong.  He knows that as much as you, and I'm sure he's punishing himself plenty.  Try and remember this, so you don't feel the need to punish him more.  If you let this eat you up, you'll be consumed by destructive anger and that will turn to hate.  As wrong as what he did was, you will not be able to move on until you forgive him in your heart, and decide that what matters is not giving him a hard time for what he did, but moving on to build something better together.

Good luck, and I hope you make it through the next month OK until you get the chance to be together again and see if what you had can come back again.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm just not sure I'd want it to go back to where it was before when before, he had an issue with her following her dream and career path.  We should want the best for our partners and not try to hold them down.  and when we don't get our way, throw a tantrum and do incredibly self destructive things.

As someone that is not in my 20's---  that often those we are with in relationships when we are young would be horrible life time partners and being able to recognize that will save a lot of misery down the road.  

Don't think about this guy for the next month and let him ruin this wonderful experience you are having.  good luck
1390847 tn?1344657468
Thank you all for your responses and input, I really appreciate it.

I find myself getting a little defensive of him, maybe wrongly or rightfully so but before I left, and still now, he has been very supportive of me studying abroad.  He never once said "dont go" or "what will i do when your gone" he always was right there with me supporting the whole way....now his actions say completely different...but I do know he was struggling with severe depression and I believe that night he just snapped. He is not a very open person, and confided in me more than he should have and when I was gone, he felt alone and did not want to push his problems on me (so he says).

He is getting help.  He's going to a therapist weekly to work on himself.  I guess the main thing keeping me going is that this is a complete 360 of his personality.  The guy I knew for 2 years and left would NEVER do anything like this.  It is very clear to me that he is depressed and has a lot of issues and that has completely changed him.  I'm hoping with the help he sought out he can fight this depression become to the loving, awesome guy I used to know.  I don't want to be too hopeful though.
Avatar universal
You're in a unique situation right now to have the opportunity to study abroad. You didn't say where you're studying but I'm guessing it may be somewhere in Europe or someplace interesting and cultural. Do you have ANY idea how many people would KILL for that opportunity but couldn't go? Whether because of finances or timing or whatever other reasons, there are many people who never got the chance and here you are living within the opportunity of a lifetime and you're more worried about some guy who you probably won't even be dating in 5 years time. I don't want to be harsh but geez girl, get your priorities in order.

This is what I suggest you do. Tell him that you want to take full advantage of everything this place you're in has to offer for the remainder of your time there and therefore you're not going to be talking to him again until the day before you're coming home. Right now you need to focus on what is directly in front of you and all around you because you may not ever have that kind of opportunity again. If you're still in school, that means your parents are paying for this whole thing and you have zero responsibilities except to take in all of the scenery and culture that you can while you're there and that's it. I can't believe you're sitting there crying about a stupid boy back home who is a big boy and can take care of himself! Stop living for him and start living for you. Open your damn eyes and look where you are. This is the last part of your life when you'll have this kind of opportunity to live in another country not having to pay a dime of your own money. When you become an adult and decide you want to travel to another country, it's gonna be very expensive and you'll never have it this good again.

Whoever said that youth is wasted on the young was right. I can't even believe what I'm reading here. If I was lucky enough to go study in another country, I would be out every single day of my time there, taking pictures and learning everything I possibly could about the place. The LAST thing I would do is sit and cry about a stupid boy back home who is a bigger drama queen than Miley Cyrus. I would contact him one more time and tell him to put on his big boy pants and quit being such an idiot and then I would get back to enjoying my time studying abroad. .
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. Well, then I'm not sure what your question is.  
Avatar universal
It seems now You are finding ways to "justify" His behavior

The guy You "knew" for 2 years DID do "anything like this".  I strongly suspect that possibly the only thing that has "changed"  is Your "awareness" that something is very amiss here.  We often don't want to see "the writing on the wall".  I think that is what You are doing.

Often, the reason(s) for why a relationship does not work is apparent to all of us from the "get go" - but we don't want to "see" what's right in front of us, so we make (accept) excuses.  We want the "fairy tale", the "happily ever after", when in reality, We need to be more cynical, more realistic and LOOK when the "writing is on the wall".  We need to realize that WE have a responsibility in making good choices that will result in "happily ever after".

What makes You think He won't "snap" in the future??,  when it's something BIG??. Really Big??   Life is full of problems and issues.  You need SomeOne who isn't going to "snap" when the going gets a little rough!!

just saying.......
Avatar universal
Seeing that he initiated it and did what he did. It seems he's desperate to cling on to you and that is not healthy for you or him. He cheated on you and now he can't stand the thought of losing you. He should have considered it before hand. However, your feelings of nausea and distrust won't go away easily at all. My boyfriend lied to me and even then I struggle with trust but with cheating and actual hooking up I doubt I could deal with that. You have to be able to trust a partner and be happy with him, not nauseated with the thought of what he did. Then his poor decisions were made to hold you back and do not allow him to do that to you, you deserve better. It's up to you but know if you stay there will be baggage, distrust and working towards happiness will be that much harder. And yes the drugs and drama will only make it worse.
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