Relationship Problems

[Opticallusion]

Complicated situation, but I'll simplify as well as I can.

My bf and I have been together for just over two years, and we talked for only a couple of months before hooking up. He was just coming out of a seven year marriage that had alot of problems, I'd never had a relationship (despite my age, at the time 24 going on 25). Between when we started talking and right before he first came to see me (we just talked online and via text the first couple months) his mother lost her battle with cancer. So right there his marriage ended, he lost his mother and we started talking, all in a few short months.

In the beginning, things were awesome. We'd talk for hours about random things, and then after we "hooked up" the sex was amazing.  We had only been together about two months when him and his two daughters spent a week camping with me and my mother. At the end of the camping trip he came home to find that his younger sister (they were all living with his dad, and he now had summer custody of his girls) had run off and left him with no one to help him with his kids, so I started staying over, and ended up never leaving. We hadn't planned on moving in together until I'd found a job and we were on our feet, but at the time it seemed the best thing to do, to help him, as I'd nothing else going on really.

In November of that year, he proposed, though we never made plans for an actual wedding, him being leery of taking that plunge again, and I not wanting to push him (never been fussed about being married anyway). But he got me a simple ring, and I've worn it every day since.

Over the time from then to now, we've been given his parent's place, his dad couldn't stand being here anymore. The house was in a state of really gross unkemptness, and his mom was a major packrat, so we had alot of cleaning up/out to do. His sister came back, got a job, but as she doesn't drive (refuses to even try) and I still didn't have a job, I started driving her to work and whatnot.

In the beginning, I KNEW that part of his and his ex's problems were her lack of being much of a housekeeper, and I also told him I'm **** about housekeeping too, but told him I'd try to keep up with it since he works and I don't.

Right now, I drive him and her both around, take care of his children when we have them, cook and do a bit of cleaning. I feel like my life revolves around everyone else's schedules, and many days I don't even want to get out of bed, but I do because I love him and want to do what I can. Unfortunately this mood or whatever has caused me to let the housework slip, badly. It's not beyond catching up with, just take a few days to do it without killing myself trying.

Over the past month or so, he's gotten to where he doesn't touch me (i'm not talking just sex, I'm talking hugs, kisses, or any of the ways he used to touch me, he doesn't say I love you first most of the time, etc). I finally asked him what was wrong a week or so ago, and he started out with something about he thought I was mad at him, then something about he thought I was hiding something from him because I minimized a YIM chat window just as he sat down next to me (btw, his wife "cheated" with someone online is what the final straw there was) and then he blew up into how he felt that I was taking advantage of him like she did, cause he worked all the time and the house was a mess, etc.

I, being the emotional wreck I have been for some time, cried. Alot. Actually i've been crying alot for the last couple of weeks.

I told him I was sorry, I tried explaining how I feel, and I told him I'd get it cleaned back up, but that I needed him to stop just throwing things down when he comes in etc.  And I have been working on it, I don't have much space to put things (it's a small place and currently we do have my sister, her husband and hteir three young children living with us) but I'm working on it.

But he still acts like he doesn't care for me anymore. I have to ask for kisses or hugs, and he gives them, but it feels half hearted at best to me. he's talking to me more, though not about anything important (we both play WoW, and it's mostly that). I ask him if everything's ok, and he says yeah, but it doesn't feel that way to me.

Also, I was on the Pill, but am off it due to blood pressure issues, and he's been "running" with this older lady in the game lately, and not me, but he says he doesn't have a thing for her, but it doesn't feel that way to me.

I'm sorry for the long ramble, I just don't know what to do, whether I'm being overly paranoid about his relationship with her, if things really are ok and I'm just such an emotional wreck that I'm reading things into his words/actions that aren't there, if maybe he's upset about something else and that's why he's so distant right how (it would have been his mom's birthday this month...and his job may be in jeapardy by the end of the year) and he's just not talking to me (we have had short periods similar to this, but that accusation of me hiding something from him really hurt, and has never happened before).

Does anyone (if anyone has read all this, heh) have any words of wisdom, comfort or anything? I'm about at my wits end, and have no idea what to do. It's been suggested that I go to a clinic about the depression, (though some have suggested I'm bi-polar), or try to go back to school, or just give up my old-fashoned idea of being home in the evenings and weekends to spend with my family and just get a job, any job (money is a bit of a problem) but I don't know if we'd survive never seeing eachother either.

I just really don't know what to do or say anymore. I'm sliding off the last two inches of my rope, and it looks like a long drop to a bottom filled with broken glass.

[Opticallusion]

well, on July 3 he told me he doesn't love me anymore. Though he called me "babe" for the first time in ages, and he looked so upset. and he told me he still had feelings for me, and that i could take as long as i needed to pack and move out, and he looked so hurt when I wouldn't let him hug me and told him to not pretend that he cares.

I grabbed soem things and left after crying for hours. I went back a week later when he and his kids weren't home and packed up my life and left my home. It doesn't make sense. None of it does. He hadn't even slept in the bed in the week between when I left and when I got my stuff, it was exactly as it had been when I left that first night.

I'm just so hurt. and I miss him and the girls so much. and I can't seem to stop thinking about them, worrying about them. I want my family back.

[specialmom]

You sound very happy.  Honestly, your boyfriend sounds unhappy.  I'm wondering other than a place to stay, what is in this for you?  That sounds blunt, I don't mean to upset you.  But this relationship seems to be based on a lot of things other than being in love.  Right from the start, you took on the role of a house wife without doing all of the bonding, etc. that a couple needs prior to that.  Do you feel like the family maid?  I think I would at this point.

My suggestion is that you first address your depression.  Nothing will change or get better until you do that.  A mental health issue will cloud everything else and every decision that you make.  So, please address the depression first.

Second, if he were not in your life, how would you support yourself?  I'd start exploring that and think about getting a part time job at the very least.  I think it would be healthier for you.

If you intend on staying with this man, eventually attempting some couple's counseling may help.  There is a communication break down and I think you just kind of got stuck in a role in this family rather than joining the family and being a part of it.  That needs to change.  Your guilt over caring for this man's home . . . the lack of intimacy . . . your feeling taken advantage of . . . this is all going to fester.  Better to address these things head on.  Good luck

[sweetpea03]

I agree with carojay, you should really write down what you want out of a relationship. I think you're moving awfully quick with this relationship and it hasn't been all that well thought out. I really don't think he is over everything that has happened in his past. Communication is key in any relationship and you both really need to talk about things and not play games, ie the silent treatment your bf is giving you. I also think you should talk with him about the house. If he's so strict about having a clean house, then maybe he should pitch in a little to get it that way. I don't really get why people stress so much about a clean house. I feel like there are better priorities than cleaning. Depending on which state you live in, there are gov health insurances you can apply for. Having bad hormonal mood swings definitely isn't helping you any, though many women have them, including myself. Start really thinking about yourself and what you really want. good luck.

[Opticallusion]

heh, wasn't done with that, kitten walked across my keyboard and it posted. crazy cat.


Anyway.  I know he still has issues to work through, I just wish he would talk to me. Sometimes I guess it isn't easy to talk to those closest to you (hence the popularity of being anonymous online).

I think, in the end, the doctor is going to be the route I need to take. I don't recall if I mentioned it before, but this entire time (last two weeks or so) I had been on my monthly (sorta), and today, it went away...as did the weepyness, the paranoia, the anxiety and pretty much all the rest of it.

The last four years I had been on the Pill, but about three months ago I went off it because my blood pressure was getting high and they refused to give it to me anymore. I'm thinking that I have a hormone problem around and during that time of the month, and the Pill was helping to control it (not completely controling it, because i still had less severe versions of those problems anyway).

Next step is to find a free/very cheap doctor, since I don't have a job and money is tight...

[Opticallusion]

Thank you for your response.

I do tend to give to everyone else, that's the way I've always been, and yes, sometimes I do neglect myself. I do need to do more for myself, it just seems I get stuck sometimes.

His divorce was partially (I think) that they married and had kids too young, they grew apart and then she had an "online affair" that was the straw that broke the camels back. I know there were other issues as well.

[carojay]

I would be thinking about what you actually want. sometimes it helps to write it down in point form. What you want, how you want to be treated. It sounds like you have been giving to everyone and not been thinking of yourself. Sometimes people rush into relationships before getting to know one another. What were his reasons for divorcing and do you know much about the history of what he had with his ex?? It sounds like to me he is not sure what he really wants also and is still getting over his divorce and the loss of his mother. He still has some issues there. You mentioned an older lady around at the moment. If you are having thoughts about him being untrustworthy I wouldnt dismiss those feelings. If he is distant he maybe trying to deal with his own problems and may not be sure as how to handle them himself. I believe you need to think of yourself and think of number one. If you are feeling sad and crying a lot maybe a visit to the doctor would put any worries you have put at ease either way. If any thing needs to be addressed they will be able to point you in the right direction.  I think you can often get too much advice from other people then end up totally confused. Think about what you want and everything will fall into place.