Relationship from bad to worse (getting it all off my chest)

[dawnofthedays]

I (35 years) have been with my boyfriend (31 years) for about 3 years. He has always been loving and kind, but we are somewhat opposite in the way we were raised. I am responsible, take care of my possessions, save money, etc. He struggles with all of these things.

The issues in our relationship are starting to pile up, and I don't know think it's really worth saving. (sorry if this is too long)

#1 He is a momma's boy. BF is an only child, his father is dead, and only believes his mother is his only family left (he has other family but is not as close with them). His mother is also in bad health (overweight, smokes), and BF is constantly worried about her.

About a year ago, BF "moved in" with me to my condo. I use quotes because about 2-3 times a week he will stay over his mother's house after he gets out of work (he works 2pm-10pm). He would mostly stay there because his job is in the same town his Mom lives in, and our condo is 45 minutes away from his work. He would stay over her place and then do chores for his Mom the next morning before he has to go back to work. This became a huge issue with me, because often I could never tell if he was really helping his Mom, or just being too lazy to drive back to our place. I have no problems with him helping her, but he would often give me other excuses like he didn't want to put wear and tear on his car, or he had to get up really early for an appointment. (BTW, he lived in an apartment with roommates before moving in with me, so it's not as if he's going "back home" to stay with her.) This has probably been our biggest issue (up to now) dealing with his staying at his mother's.

I was reading other people's issues on this board and tried to use helpful phrases in my explanation to him about why he should be independent from his mother. It's not really even his mother I have the problem with, like other people experience on this board. I think my boyfriend chooses his mother over me. He feels he owes his mother everything.

I know we are not married, but he talks about marriage all the time and having kids with me. I have a feeling that he was planning on proposing soon.

We had a big discussion, and he definitely seemed like he would never want to be that far away from his Mom. He even insinuated that if we got a bigger place that she would need to eventually live with us if she couldn't take care of herself. He said that he would never ever put her in a nursing home. I have a big problem with that because he is making decisions without my input.

#2 He lies. He is horrible at it too. I've told him not to lie to me because I know when he does. Mostly it started out as little things, but then it escalated to his lying about smoking or using dip. Then he lied to me about having to go to work, but he ended up going to his Mom's to play video games. I was livid when I found this out. I have not been able to fully trust him at all lately. He seems to only just do whatever he wants to do because he thinks I am judging him (and in a sense I am because he has a laundry list of life things he needs to get done).

#3 This is probably the worst one. I recently found out that he had videos on his camera phone of the two of us together in bed. He secretly taped me without me knowing it. This is probably the worst thing I have experienced in a relationship (and I was cheated on 3 months away from getting married with a past relationship). BF has violated my privacy and trust (and this is actually a crime in my state). The worst thing that happened was that when I confronted him about it, he said, "why were you going through my phone?"

I know that this relationship has to end. Things have gone from bad to worse. Nothing has gotten better. I just needed to write all this down for people to hear (and maybe respond to). It's hard going from relationship to relationship and feeling like a failure. I am still in shock and embarrassed about all this. I never thought he would do something as creepy as that. He tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am, and how much he cares about me, but why would he do that to me?

Thanks for listening.

[teko]

Honestly, You cannot control him and you need to stop trying. Give him space. He is a man and not a child. He probably lies to avoid the drama. Sorry! that is the way your post comes off to me.  However! BIG, BIG no no, filming you in bed without your consent! Not only is that a betrayal of your privacy but a betrayal of your trust and everything you two are to each other. That one would be a deal breaker for me. I could deal with mom, even her living at my home, the lies because like i said, too much drama. But not the filming thing.  I be gone, I would! Sorry, is your home.  He would be gone! period.

[jo929]

If a person has one doubt, they should not get married. and it sounds to me like you really do not care for him, so let him go, and get on with your life.  luck  jo

[mami1323]

Hmmmm, at first when you mentioned his mother I thought it wasn't so bad.  But #'s 2 & 3 seem like it could lead to some serious contemplation on your part.  As far as not wanting to drive 45 minutes home and to stay with his mom, that is understandable.  His mom seems like his only close relationship with his family and I don't know why that is such an issue for you.  It seems like you and her get along.  If she were ill and needed him to take care of her than that is something he wants to do and you need to be supportive of that.  One day when you have children you would hope that they would help you, given that you gave your very soul to them.  But that's just how I think.  Some may not agree.  Now the other issues.  Why do you think he feels the need to lie?  Do you get on his case about every thing and any thing?  Maybe he doesn't feel like he can come to you and doesn't feel comfortable telling you the truth about things.  You can not force him to take responsibility for his life.  You may have a list of things that he needs to do but it is his life and he can basically do whatever he wants.  You are not his parent, you can advise him on what you feel is best for him but you can't tell him what to do.  He's a grown man and doesn't need to be made to feel like a child.  If he doesn't want to go to work but wants to stay at his mom's and play video games then that's what he wants to do.  If my fiance told me he didn't feel like going to work and wants to relax, I would say ok.  The same goes for me if I don't feel like going to work.  He would just say that's fine.  It sounds like you do get upset if he does things that aren't to your liking.  Perhaps he wouldn't lie so much if he feels like he can be honest with you without getting a lecture or without hearing the nagging.  Men hate to be nagged.  Now as far as #3 is concerned, I agree with you.  Filming you without your consent is unacceptable.  It is your body and it should be your decision on whether you want your sex life recorded.  That is a breach of trust and would make me feel extremely betrayed.  He probably did it because he likes to watch you and him having sex.  Nothing is wrong with that but he should've told you that first.  I don't think anyone can tell you what to do in your situation.  That is up to you.  Can you explain to him how it made you feel and then move on from it, as long as he promises you he wouldn't do it again?  Can you accept his relationship with his mom and not come between them?  Can you deal with his lack of motivation and accept him for who he is?  These are all questions you have to ask yourself.  If you feel like you don't want to then it's time for you to move on.