Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

Should I forgive my boyfriend?

I’ve been with my boyfriend almost 3 years. Our relationship have had ups and downs but we were currently greater than ever. We went to a club one day with my roommates and some friends and we all got really drunk. He stayed with me in the apartment and all I can remember is that we were about to have sex but he had to go to the bathroom. I told him I would wait for him but I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is waking up but he wasn’t by my side. I looked for him in my roommates room and the door was locked. I knocked and he came out and told me he didn’t remember a thing. I didn’t think of anything suspicious because the 3 of us get along really well. But later that day, he told me was really sorry because when he was coming out of the bathroom he went into my roommates room and tried to rape her. He told me he didn’t remember if anything had happened but I learned from my roommate that they didn’t have sex but he did finger her. She’s obviously hurt, so am I, but he looks really hurt too. He regrets everything he did and claims he doesn’t remember almost anything and that the small things he remembers he wasn’t in control of his body. He knows what he did was wrong and he is willing to do anything to make it up for both of us but I don’t know if I can forgive him. How could he go into her room looking to have sex with her, when I was waiting to have sex with him? He says he’s never drinking again but will I have to be checking up on him all the time making sure he doesn’t?
5 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
What I think happened here is all three of you got drunk, you had a bit of foreplay he got horny and when he came back you were asleep. He, drunk as he is went to your roommate's room. (also note that being drunk doesn't exuse it) What happened between them was in my opinion concensual. Why didn't she call for help when she saw what his intentions are? How did he even get to finger her without her trying to resist or escape or trying to hurt him in anyway to get him to stop? Was there any sign of struggle like scratches on him or bruises on her? Why, when you knocked on the door, you BF came out, but not her why didnt she use this opportunity to confront you both and say what happened and how she was hurt and raped? Why did she speak up about this only the day after, when asked? I know I would! I'm getting sick and tired of girls who have sex with someone, then regret it so it is always up to the male to take responsibility and be called rapist, which in turn can ruin his entire life! If he becomes registered sex offender, he can kiss his opportunities goodbye. And the fact you can't even say this cause someone will allways cry "Don't blame the victim!!!" is mind boggling.
And this of course doesn't exuse him! If you can't handle your drinking - don't do it!!! He can stop drinking now, and your roommate can "forgive" or get over it, cause all the signs point that she partook in what happened, but in my personal opinion the three of you should go your separate ways. He will never be able to look at you without thinking of that night, he can never walk in that appartment without remembering what happened to her, and you and her will never be able to talk normally. So you move on, he can take this time alone and focus on himself and your roommate doesn't have to live with you anymore cause your relationship is now effectively ruined.
if you decide to stay with him, be responsible adult and dont get drunk to points of passing out, don't drink in front of him, and don't hold this over his head like I see some girls tend to do. If you decide to forgive it, don't mention it ever again. If you dont think you can do this - end this relationship and move on. That's my two cents.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
TY TruthLady.  I thought I was the only one that saw this and was not sure if I was the only one to see it or if it was just me being a man that made me see it that way.
Avatar universal
Did anyone think that the roommate never said NO?  To me it sounds like she wanted it too.  Maybe not so drunk as maybe just wanted some strange?
Helpful - 0
5 Comments
Dallasmale, the roommate would not be acting the way she is (as though frightened of the guy) if she wanted it too. Don't blame the victim for someone's drunken aggression. He sounds like he was totally out of control due to the alcohol, and I wouldn't trust someone who gets like that either.
I agree.  And that is why I do not trust the 2 women either.  They were just as drunk, if not more drunk than the guy, from what was said.  So why believe the woman?
I can not lie, that occurred to me as well.  I didn't vocalize it but stranger things have happened. In FACT, I think this was a situation on a reality tv show that I have watched in the past.  The 'friend' was attracted to the guy secretly or wondered about him, etc. and they slept together and the guy was the bad guy after when the roommate wanted to as well. Shame of late night, drunken actions could cause her to keep silent and act this way of wanting the guy to go away.  Because REALLY . . . if that happened to me-----------  I'd be so ticked off you'd hear me screaming when it happened and I'd be throwing chairs the next day making a massive deal out of it.  She's pretty calm for a guy forcing herself on her.  she sounds like she has shame and not a victim of anything in a way.  Just being honest with what I thought and hadn't written until it was brought up by someone else.  
Thanks for your honest opinion.  It is not always the guys fault when things happen between 2 people.  Many, tho, never see or understand that.  Thanks again specialmom
That is exactly what I thought first. It seems to me that what happened between them was consensual drunken encounter. However, she regretted it the next day so it was the male who took the blame for it. Because there is alot of details that don't line up. Why did the friend tell about it only when asked, a person who has suffered trough trauma like this would confront them both first, she would say "do you know what your boyfriend did to me?!". Also when you found the locked door and your boyfriend opened your roommate would use this opportunity to scream for help. But I will write in the comment below what I actually mean about the whole situation.
Avatar universal
Personally, it sounds like he's making excuses and making up stories. I don't believe him. I think your roommate has the right idea to stay away. I think you should also stay away from this guy. This, to me, seems like an insurmountable problem with no solution except to part ways with this guy. I can't see getting over it.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I too think  " that level of drunk is dangerous and ugly " !!  If You do 'forgive' Him You should give Him the ultimatum that He MUST quit drinking - ENTIRELY :  not just a little, not just occasionally, but Totally !! He may never do such a thing again but it should be HIS consequence and not Your RoomMate's.   She should be able to stay comfortably and safely in Her own apartment - and You should not have Him over, not ever as long as She lives there.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, that's a biggie.  I personally would no longer be with him unless he gave up partying 100 percent from now on.  That level of drunk is dangerous and ugly.  How is your roommate?  How does she feel about this?
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
He is willing to give up drinking 100%, and he’s even talking about going to the psychologist because what he did was obviously really wrong and want to get professional advice to never do anything like it again.
My roommate’s been sad these past days and feels really uncomfortable being in the apartment so she is currently staying at a friend’s house. We spoke and she understands his point of view but is obviously not going to forgive him from one day to the other. She told me she hopes one day she could because all got along so well and that she had nothing against me getting back with him if that’s what I wanted
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.