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Avatar universal

Should I get divorced? If so, how do I do it?


I am married to a very nice guy, I just turned 30 last week, he is turning 38 in two weeks. We have been together for 11 years and I feel I am not in love with him anymore. Our wedding was unusual (he wasnt there) and I suggested for the longest time to have a wedding and he wouldn't do it, I am not sexually happy since  our moments of "making love" take around 2.5 minutes, I suggested the sex shop but he wouldn't come with me. He has not interest in socializing, meeting people, and his life and attention is all on me, he has no friends at all. When I was younger I would believe everything he said (society is evil, groups of people only affect your self esteem, friends only use one another so they can put others down, etc etc but now I discovered that is not true) now I have my own opinion and I like going out, meeting people, having fun. I dont feel I can bring him with me since he is ESL and after years and years in North America his English is not good (I hate to say it but I am embarrassed by his English), also he is not independent and if I bring him to a party I cant enjoy because I have to make sure at all times he is feeling ok since he wont talk to people. He feels I am slipping away and controls me as much as he can, I cant have dinner late because he wonders why I am doing that, I can go out with friends because he stays awake all night and waits for me with the lights on (like a dad), he checks my cellphone bill, he justifies his lack of pro activeness saying things like "It is your fault because I thought you didnt like that" and similar answers.
He is an extremely good man, doesn't drink, cooks, very smart, but his stress at work, his family issues and his lack of interest in improving this relationship killed any feelings I could have for him except love. I love him and I dont want to hurt him, I dont know what to do without him but dont want to be without him. I feel he is in my way tp start enjoying my life. He wants me to be sitting on the couch watching TV while he studies or do things he likes to do (inside the house). I just want to be out, away from him, with new people. I have considered killing myself the only way out of this but I cant because I have my mother and grandmother.

I suggested couples therapy but he won't come (I went alone for a few years), he wouldn't shave/trim his private parts although I suggested that to improve our sex life. I can honestly say I have lost any interest in making this better but he won't accept it and won't talk about it.

Is this normal after 11yrs of marriage? Please please advise. I feel I am a horrible person because I dont want to b with him although he is a good man.

Please try not to judge me and give me your honest opinion.
7 Responses
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773801 tn?1244520679
Hello and I have to say the first thing that comes across is that you are not happy at all. It is horrible how we marry these men and then realize they are totally not right for us. You have to realize that no one is perfect and that you married him for a reason but must have grown apart. One thing I am going through that is similiar with you is compromise, as you stated that he won't even trim his privates for you to compromise how you feel when you are with him sexually. I can relate because my husband won't do certain things sexually with me as well and it eats me up. I don't advice anyone to get a divorce but when you actually think of death as a way out than it should not even be a second thought that yes you should seperate and divorce because you life is on the line. When I left my first husband I thought I need to leave because either me or him is going to die and we were in an unstable relationship. I wish you the best in your decision.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I agree with SpecialMom - if you don't have kids,  feel free to re-start your life.

It's a little curious that you married your polar opposite.    Usually during the dating process all of this is made very clear.

On the other hand,  I do know couples where one is very gregarious and one is  a homebody and they make it work by the gregarious one having outside friends and being free to host parties in their home,  but with the understanding that the less social one may drift to the back of the scene or be upstairs watching TV.  You have to be willing to flex,  though.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
@athenah
I'm with specialmom. The sooner you get over the fact that you two don't fit together anymore, the better.

@sweet_monti
I don't really get how you get to her killing herself. But I do agree with you on your last sentence. I like to put it the following way; When you're born, you cry and everyone around you laughs. Make sure that when you die, you laugh and everyone around you cries.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I agree with everyone above  but I think the smart thing to do is get out of the house before you let him know your plans of divorce.Killing yourself will not help the situation because you still will not die happy. That's 1 thing I have always said when I die I want to die happy. You deserve that. I wish you the best of luck.
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Avatar universal
I'm with the above. It really sounds like you just don't like being married or who you married. Once you marry it's not just you, you, you. You don't spend countless days out with only your friends, having late dinners or what not. It's more about couples. Sure you have nights out alone but not constantly. I haven't had a night away from my hubby since we got married. We do everything together. Go to dinner, drinks, hang out with friends or without. He's not big into socializing either so I do things that HE likes. Yes, he'll do things I like but we do things TOGETHER. As a couple.

If you're miserable, contact a lawyer and they'll get you started on a divorce.
Helpful - 0
1035252 tn?1427227833
I kind of interpreted things the same way as specialmom did....to me, you're just complaining about the person he is and talking about all these things you want him to change (this is my interpretation, sorry if you don't feel it's accurate)...and it's just not fair to expect him to become an entirely different person just because you grew apart.

That seems to be the crux of the issue here...you want a different life than you've had for the past 11 years, and you're unhappy that your husband is the same person he's always been.

If you don't have children, I agree with specialmom...it's time to move on, not for you or for him solely, but for both of you. you deserve this fun adult life if that's truly what you want, and he deserves to be allowed to remain who he is without feeling judged or pushed around....so I would say it's time to hire an attorney, as well. I do also believe that this is a *you* issue...sometimes I come on here and read posts and think "man that spouse is really unreasonable" but in this case I'm thinking "she wants out, NOW, and she's turning her bitterness at being committed against her husband."

Good luck whatever you decide to do...but as long as you don't have children (assuming you don't) I'd say you can just move on, and let your husband move on as well.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, lets call this what it is.  You got married young and didn't get much of an adult social life because of it.  I say this because . . . frankly, I'm not inclined to go out late and come in after my husband has gone to bed, be out and about mixing and mingling, having dinner with others besides my husband.  I mean, we do socialize . . . but you describe a life without him.  I understand that he doesn't have the same interest in socializing that you do . . . but he never has.  And your comment about his embarressing you and having to check up on him to make sure he is surviving the event . . . well, that tells me that you really don't feel like being married and dealing with it.  Just being honest that this is how it read to me.  

You don't mention kids so I'll assume you don't have any.  It is okay to end a marriage when you have nothing in common and don't want the same things and one half of the group isn't wanting therapy to help resolve it.  BUT . . . be honest.  This has a LOT more to do with you than him.  He's the same as he's always been.  You've changed.  Leave him if you want but don't blame him for it.  He's the same man you married.  He deserves to be loved as he is.  If you've changed your expectations of him ------- he is not to blame for that.  So end your committment of marriage if you feel you must but own it.  It's okay.  We have one life to live and we should be happy.  But don't delude yourself that this is about him.  It's all about you.  Again, this is okay but important for the transition to admit it.

I don't judge you for this.  As I said, we all should be happy in life.  If you have kids------- my advice is different.  Then I'd say you need to work it out.  But if not, be free.  But don't place blame on him.  That's all I'm saying.  

You get divorced by hiring an attorney and starting the proceedings.  good luck
Helpful - 0
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