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Should I let go or keep fighting for our relationship?

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a little over a year now, and we just got back together after a 2-3 week breakup. We broke up because I still don't know how to drive (I'm almost 21 so this is kind of ridiculous) and he was feeling like he was doing all the work by having to come see me and pick me up. During this break up he saw his ex at a party and started talking to her. The next morning he messaged her on instagram for her number and they started texting, so one thing led to another and they started to go back down memory lane. They talked about why they broke up (he thought she cheated on him but she didn't), then they start talking about memories like how he took her virginity (they dated in high school and a little bit of college for 5 years about 3-4 years ago), and then he told me that he wanted to have sex with her and he told her that, but she said she just needed a friends so they never met up for sex. We got back together about a week after that because he said he realized that I'm who he wants to be with for the rest of his life. He told me that he would of never told me about having feelings for his ex if I didn't find a screenshot of a message from his ex on his phone. Since we been back together he's been acting really shady with his phone and every time I would get close to his phone you could see him physically get nervous. Turns out on New Years, about a week within getting back together, they were texting. She invited him to a party, but he said no but he never told her no because I'm spending time with my girlfriend or anything. Even when she asked him why he couldn't come he made up a different excuse then just saying the truth that he was hanging out with me. Today we had a long talk and he admitted that talking to his ex during our breakup brought back old feelings from 3-4 years ago when they used to date, and that he still thinks about her, and wants to have sex with her. He said he doesn't want to break up with me and that he doesn't desire to ever have a relationship with her though. He said that she was a hoe and that I'm perfect. But how could he think that I'm  but still have feelings for her, but still want to be with me? Should I just end it? My love for him runs so deep. We've made wedding plans and lived together for 6 months. I just don't understand and I'm so confused, and this post probably makes no sense, but if anybody has any thoughts it would be greatly appreciated. I don't really have any friends I can talk to
4 Responses
20691887 tn?1504691993
So sorry about what has happened.  

I think he isn't over his ex and he needs to work through these feelings he is having in regards to her regardless whether they are getting back together or not.  If she is such a ***** and such why is he still talking with her or thinking about her?

If I were you I would extend the break between you two.  Your relationship hasn't been a long one.  Little over a year isn't long enough to be considering marriage.  Plus, there are signs here that he isn't trustworthy.  

Back off this relationship and just be apart longer (another 2-3 months) and then determine if you still want this relationship.  Maybe even date others during this time if the opportunity presents itself.  

Are you still living together?  If so, you should separate.

I know you love him, but it takes more than love to make something last and work, e.g. trust, honesty, etc.  Being shady and getting caught in omissions (lies) isn't a great start.
1 Comments
If he has trouble with the truth now, he always will. You won't be happy always wondering what he is thinking.
3060903 tn?1398565123
I'm confused too, You've said you're dating for a year when you broke up for 2-3 weeks, but then said that you've lived together for 6 months....
that you broke up cuz it's ridiculous you don't have your license at 21 and he does all the driving...

it's hard to comment not knowing more particulars, which is why the best way for you to answer your own question is to attend marriage counseling.

if attending marriage counseling is above the nature of your current relationship on either of your parts, i suggest that moving in together was a mistake

his ex "wants a friendship" which is a problem
he wants "sex from his ex" which is a problem
he's continuing a friendship with his ex behind your back to fulfill her needs of him, is a problem
his continuing friendship behind your back so that he can fulfill his wanting to have sex with her possibly in the future is a problem
you are accepting him back without having worked through the reasons why you broke up... ie. have you gotten your license? does he now not mind driving to see you or is committing to your needs a  bother for him still? is a problem

it sounds like the realistic current status of your relationship is an open dating relationship considering he wants sex from a "hoe" and/or friendship

You're 21. What have you got going on for yourself girl ? other than this need to define your current status?

Who do you live with ? are you living with your folks usually? do you work or go to school? you said you have no friends to talk to? Honestly, from my perspective this after work and / or school, making good social contacts and close friends would serve you better than make believe playing house with a guy because he can't be bothered to work to pay for the gas that will allow him to choose to visit you with his car.

This sounds to me like a couple of young people that both need to follow through outside of their relationship status because currently may be too young and inexperienced to fully commit to a committed monogamous relationship status prior to choosing to marry.

You're moving too fast for your own good. In my opinion you'd be far better working on getting a good job (school) and providing for your own needs (driving lessons and a car) living away from home, traveling, making a group of friends. Honestly i think you're putting the cart before the horse. His admitting that he wants another girl for sex, and would now be having sex with her likely if she had of said yes, (especially since continuing to contact her behind your back) should be red flag enough for you to put the kibosh on any future wedding with him. Lay that fantasy to bed and work only with the proven results that you need to commit to a lifetime relationship, cuz anything else is just a waste and drain of your energy.

I found another example of my first thought when i read your post... "Taking a break does not mean going your separate ways and seeing other people. No, let’s not confuse the two, OK? Taking a break is one thing — breaking up, however, is a different matter altogether." if you copy what's in the italics it will bring you to the article.

My thoughts on this subject remain. What's gone on here is that you found yourselves to be incompatible on some level and his answer immediately went to finding another girl to have sex with.

You're young, and "deeply in love" so i take it that you feel there's nothing missing intimately in your relationship. So,, why the need for him to have sex elsewhere.? You teach a man how to treat you. As is, had his plan to have sex with his ex worked out, he may be doing it as we speak. Is it that this guy is young that he's made this choice, or is this the early scenario of a douche bag that admittedly will have sex with a "hoe" without a relationship with them while in or out of having a wife at home?

Read what you've written... "Today we had a long talk and he admitted that talking to his ex during our breakup brought back old feelings from 3-4 years ago when they used to date, and that he still thinks about her, and wants to have sex with her. He said he doesn't want to break up with me and that he doesn't desire to ever have a relationship with her though. He said that she was a hoe and that I'm perfect. But how could he think that I'm  but still have feelings for her, but still want to be with me? Should I just end it?"

This guy has straight up said that he wants you and want to have sex with a hoe. Maybe this is the "perfect" scenario for him (as it really is for many men - remember 50% of relationships end in divorce) I think he's saying you're "perfect" because he has tested you to see if he can walk out of his responsibility in the relationship (in your case only the driving to come see you , intimately? and otherwise), take off for a few weeks, contact and solicit sex from an old girlfriend (could just as well have been a cute new single girl in bar he wanted to have sex with) and come back to you additionally.

This "red flag" is a warning to you. He didn't warn you you found this on his phone, You can bet if he doesn't want you to find out stuff in the future, he'll buy a burner phone, or alternate email address. It's a  happy coincidence that you know what he's been up to, for in my experience, a guy like this does not have what it takes to be a all around stand up guy. And i think this is only the beginning. Sounds like for celebration of keeping you regardless of what he does, might be a trip to the stip club, or online dalliances or picking up girls in the mall or bar.  I don't think this guy is old enough to be in a monogamous relationship, and i'm not being disrespectful, but by your considering to marry him currently, i don't think you're old enough of wise enough yet to serve your own needs in making the right decision for yourself (which is why you're asking your question), So i'm going to answer your question, not with a question as i did earlier. Yes, you should just end it. You should concentrate on getting yourself financially independent of any man, focus on career and friends. so that you'll be in the best position to have kids. You have NO TIME TO WASTE> a woman is at her peak age to have children (if you even know if you want them) in your mid to late 20's. Sounds like you're wasting your time "dating" this guy at all, frankly.



2 Comments
think about it, he want to see you less (less driving to see you) still have you on the hook, have sex with hoes without a relationship. He's betting on you hearing that you're perfect, you'll take it in an angelic etheral sense, instead of a figurative sense, like "you'll be perfect for my needs".

BEWARE KAYKAY This guy's to young to consider for marriage at least at this time and as i've said, you've got a big bill to foot, getting yourself in the position of the real thing baby. A GOOD WIFE IN A GOOD EQUITABLE MARRIAGE WITH A FAIR CONSIDERATE THOUGHTFUL FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT MAN THAT CAN OFFER YOU A GOOD LIFE FOR YOU AND MAYBE SOME KIDS.

You don't have time to waste by giving away your precious energy with head and heart games little sistah.

If it were me, i might date, i might even date him,about 1% of my time and put the rest towards a better pay off. Like myself, my friends and my career. Travel wide KK.
One question you can ask yourself is this. When you say, It' s ridiculous that you don't have your drivers license, does that mean you think it's anyone else's problem or should be, than yours?

And as for him, he deosn't want to spend the gas to see as much, or take the time? would he be happier with nice girl that has her license,? if he met  a nice girl that was better off logistically than you, say had a job, her own apartment, maybe a few years older and set up, and she said "yes" to sex, would he trade you in , in a heartbeat?

Sorry darlin' this reality above and beyond your deep love. Remember, love is subjective. Would you not love more deeply a man that never complained about spending the time and gas to visit his girlfriend, and yes, maybe give as a gift,the  help to facilitate your being able to drive?

This is sent with love and best wishes for your best life and many blessings to You and Yours. by the way.
In a relationship YOU and YOURS means both partners together.It takes a bit of work to get the real thing, but it's well worth the effort and the time. BE PATIENT. PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE.

GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN . AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

Your mom can be your best friend in many cases.if you open up to her (if she's  not having issues in her own relationships that is)

Hope you come back , and hope to hear from you. Liz
13167 tn?1327194124
The fact that you've "made wedding plans" and have lived together for 6 months means nothing at all when you consider the fact that you broke up for weeks and just now got back together.  

You don't really just count that time off and keep counting the wedding plans and half a year of living together,  and just subtract those weeks broken up.

He still wants her.  Call the wedding off and start from square one,  if you still want him.  

I wouldn't want a man who tells me frankly he wants to sleep with an ex but not have a relationship with her.  Take that very,  very seriously.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm going to give different advice that isn't so much about the boyfriend.  I think that we have to not put all our eggs in one basket. The I'm a girlfriend basket.  You should be driving, exploring your life as an individual and not a girlfriend, etc.  I don't really understand the comments about living together etc, when you say that he broke up with you because he felt he was doing all the work by driving to come and see you and pick you up.  At 21, I like girls to be developing their independent selves.  Working or in school so that they have the means to take care of themselves in life and developing who they are as women.  

So, I'll get off my soap box.  I don't mean to imply you aren't doing these things either.  It's just a bit unclear with your post.  but in general, doing that . . . developing a strong sense of self as a grown woman makes you in a position to have a great man in your life.

One you don't have to worry about going to parties and reconnecting with ex's.  If he is being shady after telling you he had feelings for his ex . . .  take that as a sign that he is not fully committed to you and go ahead and move on.  That's my best advice.  good luck
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