Should I stay or go?

[Gr8wmn]

I am a woman and I've been in a relationship with my wife for almost 18 years. Almost 2 years ago she had a brief affair with a guy, which really rocked me. In trying to understand why or how, I've asked her many questions about details of the affair. For the first 5 months after the affair she lied about it - diminished the number of times they slept together, lied about details, etc. This had me feeling like I was going crazy because nothing made sense. She finally "came clean" but by this time she had conveniently forgotten most of the details. I have been obsessed and have asked her questions many times. The problem now is that the details change over time. She will tell me with all certainty that this or that happened and then the next time we talk about the same thing the story will change. I'm at the point where I literally don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth. I don't trust that she loves me. She tells me that she wasn't attracted to the guy and didn't like him, even though they slept together upwards of 10 times in 3 weeks and texted constantly during the affair. I don't know what to do. Can someone have an affair with someone they don't like or aren't attracted to? Can someone really forget what happened during an affair? Will I ever be able to trust her again? Should I stay or should I go?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  This is so hard.  I think some couples CAN work through it but it requires a good deal of effort to 'get over' what has happened.  And yes, it does help to sort out issues the relationship had that both people contributed to in the relationship.   That, of course, is no excuse and 'sometimes' people just get caught up in the moment and make foolish choices and 'sometimes' they are hyper needy people that no matter how much love and attention they have at home, it's never enough and they must continue to feed it.  Those people often have a bit of internal damage in my opinion.  Hard to be with someone like that.

So, this is really up to you.  Is it worth the work it will take, eating crow, working on things in the relationship, trying to forgive her sincerely from your heart rather than holding onto the hurt . . .  or not.  It's okay to be done.  Because it does tell you a bit about the woman you've shared your life with that she would make this choice.  And that can be a deal breaker.  but if you want to be with her---  then you have to be willing to let this go.  Not today--  too fresh, but working toward it day by day.  A therapist is really essential too in working through this.  

hugs

[AnnieBrooke]

Women have affairs because someone makes them feel special.  Maybe she wasn't that physically attracted, but some part of the situation obviously filled a spot emotionally.  Emotional attraction is real, and often comes from loneliness in a key area of life that isn't being filled by one's main relationship.  I'd go to counseling together, not ask a bunch of stuff about how many times they had sex, it's actually immaterial.  What I would ask is what was missing from your relationship together such that this was even remotely attractive or fulfilling.

[seanlANG]

Same thing happened to me with my wife. No that's not true she would'nt of had a affair unless there was some attraction. As far as details, I mean you know she cheated why do you want or need to know all the details. Trust me that will make you feel worse. I am dealing with the same trust issues as well . I feel like no matter what happens in my marriage things will never quite be the same and there will always be some kind of black cloud hanging over our marriage. All I can suggest is maybe marriage counciling. Im going to try that, no clue if it's going to help or not. At the end of the day only you can make the decision to stay or leave the relationship!