Stay-At-Home Moms... Your Wisdom Is Needed

[BearHitch]

Normally I would post such a question on the other forum I frequent, but I thought I would try here first since there are so many women who post on there who are TTC... I need all of the wisdom I can get right now from stay-at-home moms of all age groups.  First let me say that I love my son to death and want the best of things for him, and I am also very much against putting him in daycare.  I know there must be a better solution than that for my situation.  

I am absolutely bored to death staying at home.  I feel myself becoming more depressed as time goes on.  This year has had a lot of ups and downs for my family and I.  Recently I have undergone a huge transition where my husband is now working full-time.  All of those years in school and being out of class and off work at 2 pm, and now that is switching to 5 pm.  With an 8 month old, I am exhausted by 9 - 10 pm, and our son goes to bed at 8:30 pm leaving minimal time for us at all.  What I have are 2 concerns that I need advice for...

1.  My first and foremost concern is what to do with myself all of this time DH is gone during the day.  There is only so much cleaning to take up your time, and I do not have any friends really with children.  Well, heck I'll just be honest - I really do not have any friends that I socialize with.  I know that is bad, but DH and I do not really belong anywhere that gives the opportunity if that makes sense.  I find it very hard to make new friends who are somewhat mature and married and have kids.  I have thought about volunteering, but I will have my son with me.  I was involved in a bible study but now find myself the oddball in that group because I have started on birth control at a doctor's recommendation, and now that I have moved I live now 45 minutes away from where it is held.  There are mom groups which I would like to get involved in, but they only meet 1 time a week and for only 1 hour.  To sum all of this up, I would like to know how other moms spend their days.  I feel as if my life is passing me by because I do nothing of importance besides watch my son.  I know that is an important job, I just feel like I have gifts that are being wasted.  Is this normal?  Perhaps I am not mom material  :S

2.  DH and I have a limited pool of babysitters, so planning date nights is an issue.  I do not want to leave DS with a stranger, and my parents live 45 minutes away from us.  His mom lives close but works in the evenings.  I am wondering how other couples have time to connect?  We used to spend so much time together and I miss that so much.  We both love our son, but sometimes I daydream about times when were able to devote our evenings to relaxing and enjoying each other's company.  

Over all, this is a long post.  I am posting this in a state of conflicting emotions: both shame because good moms don't feel this way, and sadness because I feel like my life is being wasted away.  I know when he is in school things will change, but a few years seems like such a long time.  I don't want to just "get by" until then, I want to be living these years of my life and I don't feel like I am.  

- A Sad Bearhitch

[katarina777]

I don't know if you would like to work, and had a job before you became pregnant, and just don't believe in daycare and that is the reason you are staying home. But there are some really good daycares, too, if you want to work, and I had myy kids in daycare, although not that much when they were really young. I started slowly.  I never worked full time, but I would have found it hard to be with my kids all day long.

[BearHitch]

I was home alone with no kids during my pregnancy and yes I was bored - but trust me, it is not worse than being home alone with a child.  You'll see if you decide to have kids... it is different.  I know.

Kat - I looked at my local YMCA and their babysitting is only $3, but to actually work out or do anything there I believe was $15 a day.  A membership for a month is $150, which I just cannot afford at this time.  Thanks for the tip though - I think I may ask about their lower income memberships and see how much they are.

[katarina777]

PS: it's extremely lonely to be alone with a young child. I mean, it's not as if they are company. And it's different from being alone and which also does not make you bored like with a kid. you have to find mothers who also have a kid your boys age, and then become friends for however it lasts. you need the adult companionship. now a daycare, that would not have been for me. i just don't love kids that much and I don't like playing with them. My favorite were the very first months when they were infants. also, you cannot do a daycare by yourself. you will die. and don't ever send your boy to any place where there is only one caregiver except if they are your babysitters. It's too hard for the adult. (I don't mean to say don't do this and that. i am just expressing my opinion.)

[katarina777]

Hi, I did not read all the comments as I usually do. I wanted to say somethijng about the health club, or YMCA. it's not only the free, or very inexpensive daycare that is great, but there you find the best of the best babysitters. the young men and women in their early twenties. many of them go to college and work part time. I had the greatest babysitters from those places and I sometimes left for even several days. Sometimes, their whole families get involved and when they worked at the Y they would take my boy with them, and they are flexible and very responsible. usually, then they go on with their lives and meet a guy, and/or marry, and start their own families but during those college years, they are the best.

[gokuangel]

Wow you guys i never thought it would be the same once u have kids! I stay at home all the time and i do NOT have kids so if youre bored imagine what its like for me!! I figure once i have a baby (i'm TTC) i will have tons to do caring for the baby and such (though thats not the reason i want one). My Dh doesnt want me to go bk to work and even he did i could nt we dont have a car so needless to say i cant even go to the store or anything like that during the day hrs!!

[Trialanderror]

BearHitch, glad you took matters in your own hands and feel happier already! Socializing helps. Of course the day may come that you grow tired of talking about the latest in baby wear and diaper technology or much later you may find that your son prefers to be around his peers, no matter how lovingly you were present for him. So make sure to keep some of your interests or activities alive or at least in mind that you enjoyed before you had your baby. When you know what you like and remember who you are, things tend to fall into place to everyone`s liking.

Mayflowers, I know what you are saying about workplace situations. There are a lot of sluffers out there who get away with it because "parenthood unites". I doubt you will be relieved of the problem by turning moms into stay-at-homers though :) On the other hand, some mothers are especially good in time management and are super-efficient while some of the childless and unattached ones spend an enormous amount of time idling or planning their busy social lives while looking really good for staying late. I see it every day.

[Agiesmom]

Good for you!  I'm glad it was a success!

I was going to suggest Craigslist--I saw a "Stroller Strides" meet-up on there recently where moms of babies get together to walk with their strollers.

You might also look for groups here: http://www.meetup.com/topics/
There are Stay-at-Home Mom's groups and Playgroups listed under "Parenting" and you can search for key words like "babies" or "toddlers" and find groups, too.

[BearHitch]

*UPDATE*

Again, I just really appreciate everyone's wisdom, advice and stories.  I finally found a solution to my problem in the most bizarre way and I wanted to post it just in case someone else was in the situation, maybe it would work for them.  I actually placed an ad on Craigs List looking for other moms to walk with, playdates, etc.  I had an overwhelming number of responses of women who were in the same situation and didn't know where to connect with new moms.  We had our first playdate today and it was just wonderful!

Thanks for the encouragement to get out there and meet people!  =D

~A Pleased Bearhitch

[nyychic]

I have 4 chidlren I stay at home but am going to go to work in 2 weeks.  I'm kind of nervous leaving my children for 50 hours a week.  their care will be my husband and mother depending on their schedule, mostly my mom but my hubby will beat me home most of the time.  I'm happy to be in the land of "adults" again.  I'm terribly sad that I'm going to miss out on things.  But I've been there for all of my childrens first except 1.  I've had the wonder of finding their first tooth.  Their first words and 3 of their first steps!  (Missed my second sons) I've also been here for all of their first cuss words, first tantrums, first fights, first heart breaking boo boo.  First stitches and first near concussions!!! OMG  I've got 3 boys mind you that are 2 1/2 years apart (exactly) they are now 9 1/2, 7, and 4 1/2 I've been through bordom but I now have so many kids that I dont' have to worry about bordom (Sometimes I wish I could be bored!!)  Not true I've been bored and busy at the same time.  Money is what is forcing me to work and I am so sad sometimes and sometimes I'm excited.  I can imagine your feelings.  One thing that helped was finding a group of us that we could "trade days"  One day of the week we all took turns taking the kids.  We all got a break to be with friends and we all had our day of "hell"!!  But it was worth it.  Then Another day a week we all got together and had a play date.  We are all responsible for our own kid and we all get to hang out at the park with the kids at someones house or a "play place"  It was a sanity saver for a long time.  Good luck!

[jackrabbit12]

The gym  idea is great!  Your baby can play with other babies and you can get some exercise.
I also take bubble baths ( with the baby monitor) after my baby is snug in bed.
My best friend and I are going to start and girls night out once a month.
I love the weekend drinks on the deck with your husband idea and the making dinner at lunch time.  Thanks for the tips.
Prayer and bible study help me most!

[nhmomx5]

I can relate to a lot of what you are all saying! I looked for a forum like this because of the very same reason bearhitch did. I have had 5 children total, 4 left at home ranging from 5-16. I never liked leaving my children in daycare. I worked here and there throughout the years but I had my parents around to watch the kids. They moved to Florida about 4 years ago. I went back to work in April of 07 only because my oldest was home doing a home school high school program and i paid her a little money to watch my youngest. she soon got the im almost 18 attitude and ended up moving out, left me with no sitter. I reluctantly looked for a place for my son and for the first time left one of my kids with a stranger so i could keep my job. Well in feb of this year i lost my job and had to pull my son out of daycare (that he grew to hate, hated going to bed at night knowing where he was going when he woke up, became very whiny and unhappy and he was alway a kid that was happy 99% of the time and would tell me when he was ready for bed.) I decided I would not do that to him again and that i would stay home until he went to school. I am divorced and been in a relationship for about a year. I am going absolutely nuts being home with no adult conversation! Like bearhitch I dont have a lot of friends I hang out with. my one good friend ive had for 16 years works during the day. I have also had a few other things go on recently that have added to my depressed feelings. If ive ever felt depressed in the past i usually come out of it fairly quickly but im not so sure this time. I feel lonely and bored to death. I am usually a really good housekeeper but recently i know ive let things go i wouldnt normally do. Ive got to the point where i cant stand the thought of doing the same ole thing another day!
My boyfriend has no children of his own and has always had a lot of friends he hangs out with. we occasionally get together with them but lately he seems like he is starting to miss doing his own thing and wants to be with them more. I know there is nothing wrong with that but because of how i feel  i just want him with me because im sick of being alone all day with no adult conversation and i want to get out of the house. Sometimes i feel like he's being selfish by not wanting to take me with him to get me out of the house and have a chance to socialize. Im afraid im going to ruin our relationship and i dont want that. Its not his fault but im going stir crazy and i know sometimes i take it out on him.
Depression is something ive never been treated for, and i hate the thought of it not to mention when i lost my job i also lost my health ins.
I guess its good to know im not the only mom at home in this situation. I think we all need to vent to someone now and again.

[BearHitch]

I appreciate everyone's advice so much!  

-Treazzure: I am trying to get up early to do - so hard though!  I have taken to letting my son fuss in his crib while I take a few minutes to wash my face and put on some makeup.  That alone has made such a difference.  

-Rose: Thank you for your wisdom.  I am going to find some groups, hopefully, here and join them.  In the mean time, I have decided to suck it up feeling like the odd one out and continue going to my mother's bible study.  I think once I get there I will enjoy it, its just getting there  :)  

[treazzure007]

bearhitch, i have to sacrifice my mornings by getting up very early w/ my baby (like 6 or 7am) and keep her busy all day.  

i monitor the timing of her naps and i nap when she naps too or else i will be completely burned out by the evening.  

if there's any shopping, errands, exercising, or visiting that i must do, i do it in the day and span it out over the entire week so it doesnt interfere w/ naptime.  

i make both lunch and dinner in the afternoon so that all i do is heat up the meal for dinner time.  

i shower in the afternoon too.  

it's like doing everything in day to make the evenings more free and nimble.  this allows me free time to sit around and lounge w/ my husband alone b/c my son will be busy watching t.v. or playing his video game by then and baby is dead tired by 7:30, 8:00 every night like clockwork.  the rest of the night is ours.  
p.s. i cant wait to go back to work when she's 1!  kinda of tired of this myself

[RockRose]

You really need to join some playgroups,  Bear.  Even if they only meet once a week for an hour,  other social stuff comes out of that.  Soon your son will be walking and you'll want to take him to petting zoos,  gymboree,  and stuff like that,  and if you have a connected group of other moms to call and set up stuff nearly every day you'll feel MUCH better.

I am kind of lonely right now - my boys are teens.  There has never been a time in my life,  nor will there be again, where there were such intimate/bonded relationships with my friends.  It was terrific.  

Please don't spend your days in your house.    Take a couple days to find groups,  set up  activities,  and you will have the best friends you'll ever have in other young mothers.

[mayflowers]

Personally I don't understand why anyone would work if they didn't have too.  If I could get my BF to support me completely, I would quit in a heartbeat.  I've been working my whole adult life and I'm plain tired.   I hate office politics, don't care about the baby showers or birthday lunches.   Some of the "working moms"' at our office are the laziest workers I've ever seen.  They use their kids as excuses for why they can't work late, or need a day off.  There's doctor appt, or teacher conferences.  The best are those  school fund raisers where they sell cheap cr@p for 10X's the value.  Then they complain when they don't get promoted or get raises like the rest of the folks.  

The "childless" folks do work harder in my opinion b/c they CAN, they got time and energy and deserve more money and bigger bonuses b/c they work harder.    Luckily the position I have now is pretty independent and I don't have to work with any moms or have limited interaction with them.  

I do understand the need for communication with adults but can't you find it at gym or library book club?  Or maybe just work part-time when the kids are at daycare.  

I also wonder if the mom's are looking around at the people going to work and thinking that it looks like fun.  Let me tell you, it's not.  The grass is not greener on the other side.  Working for most people is drudgery and if we didn't have to do, we wouldn't.  

I am tired of keeping this in so thanks for letting me express my feelings.  It felt good.

[jenstam]

BearHitch, I stayed at home with my girls when they were little and became quite depressed. It was like the world was revolving around me and I wasn't a part of it. I did everything I wanted as a SAHM. I cooked, I cleaned, I took my girls to the park, read them stories and did fun activities with them. But I felt like I lost most of who I was as a person and I didn't like it. Once I started working, those feelings went away. I will tell you though, once your baby gets to be more talkative and walking and being able to carry on a conversation it does get a little better. For me it did. I just know myself though, and I know I could never be a full time stay at home mommy. I need my social time and my me time. That is my time at work! I'm glad to come home and appreciate my kids so much more when I'm not with them 24/7. Have you considered a part time job and daycare for just a few hours with a trusted friend or family member? Or maybe just part time child care, and you would be able to socialize with the daycare moms. Women need socialization and girlfriends. They need a social outlet. For me, staying at home just wasn't enough. I felt guilty, but I was much more appreciative of my time with them once I joined the workforce again. Good luck...I know how it feels.

[BearHitch]

Wow - I had no idea other moms felt this way at times too!  I would never mention it to someone because I would be afraid they would think I was a bad mom, but maybe that is the problem... its not talked about!  :)  Thanks for the encouragement, gals, very appreciated!  I found a moms group here locally and am trying to get in contact with the leader to find out when they meet.

[mami1323]

I was only a stay at home mom for the first 2 months of my son's life and let me say, I was bored to tears.  Occasionally, I would meet up with my fiance's sister who had her daughter 3 weeks before I had my son.  But all in all, I was just so depressed because my fiance worked all the time.  What I could recommend is possibly joining a baby gymboree or something along those lines.  You could meet other mothers and make play dates.  Maybe they can recommend sitters to you as well so you can get some alone time with your hubby.  The Y is also a great idea.  

[kathy1029]

I had to laugh when I read your post about being jealous because your husband gets to go to work.  I feel the same way at times.  At least he gets to have comnversations with adults!!

[kathy1029]

Hi I'm a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids and it's not easy.  Just this morning I was wishing I had an hour to myself. I dropped out of nursing school to spend more time with my kids but there are times I regret doing that. I quit my job after my third child was born because I only worked part time--so by the time I paid for daycare & gas I'd be losing money.  I think all moms go through the feelings you are having. When the baby takes his nap & the other two are playing together (rare) I have started selling items on e-bay.  It helps clean out the clutter & I make a little bit of money.
As far as spending time with your husband --I can really relate to this.  He's out the door at 5 am and back home at 5pm.  By the time dinner, playing & baths are done we are both ready to go to sleep.  On the weekends we really make a point after the kids go to bed to sit on our deck, maybe have a couple drinks and just talk about the week, the kids , everything.  Hang in there you'll be fine---you sound like a great mom.

[BearHitch]

This is true.  I am glad that I had a child because I have been able to experience pregnancy and childbirth and raising a child.  So, I am glad that I have had the opportunity to experience this, but having had the troubles that we have had and that, it only makes me more confident in our decision to only have one!!!  :)  I think I would agree that having a child matures you in a way, well some parents anyway.  I feel being a parent has made me make sacrifices and that has made me more willing to go with the flow and not demand my way or the highway, if that makes sense.  

[mayflowers]

I don't think any parent is ever prepared for how much a child depends on them in the beginning.  Teachers never tell you about it in health class do they?  Even if they did, no one would listen b/c for most people having children seems to be instinctual.   It's normal to be selfish and want to do what you want, when you want.   I would be worried about the parent who wasn't a little selfish and never wanted their own space.  But, your day will come when your son is in college and never calls you and you'll be wishing he was your little baby boy again.  One of my sisters is going through this now.  She wants to talk to her son but he's out having fun!!!!!!   Enjoy this time while you can b/c it won't last forever.  Nothing last forever.

It may sound strange but I am never jealous of people who are pregnant or have children however there are times when I wonder if I missed something b/c parents seem a little more evolved emotionally than me.  It's like having a child somehow makes a person a little more human and understanding of the human condition.  Single people seem stunted in their growth, like we all have the emotionally maturity of a 12th grader.   I think that maybe I should adopt a child just so I can grow up a bit but what if I can't and mess up some poor kids life for nothing????!!!!  

So, at least you've got this going for ya.  You're going to be wiser whether you like it or not.

[BearHitch]

Well I wouldn't say I feel that way exactly, no.  I feel sometimes like I am incredibly selfish though sometimes because I just want to do my own thing and just hang out with my husband.  I watch HGTV alot and am envious when I see the empty-nesters being able to vacation and that.  I don't think either of us were totally prepared with how much attention a child would require.  We both say we are anxious for when he gets older and is a little more independent... its just getting to that point and I don't want to spend my days wishing for tomorrow when I might very well die in a year.  You know?  Thanks for your support, mayflowers  :)

[mayflowers]

I don't think you're a bad mom or not mother material because you feel this way. It's normal to feel kind of isolated in the beginning of your childs life.  The kid depends 100% on you and your DH.  What my girlfriends who do have children do is read a lot (one is always recommending me good books to read), some take courses on-line, garden and go to the gym.  With the older children, they have play dates and then meet with other mothers in similar situations.  It won't be like this forever, you will get out of the house soon.

I am not mother material b/c I NEVER  want to care for anyone but myself and I couldn't be there emotionally for another human being such as a child.  I knew this a long time ago so basically avoided pregnancy successfully with all my might.   I have a hard enough time caring about my current boyfriend, but he knows I'm stunted emotionally and somehow deals with it.  I've learned to let go with adults but children deserve more and somehow I always knew I could never provide what they needed.  So, unless you feel like me, which I really don't think you do, then you ARE in fact mother material.