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Avatar universal

Stay-At-Home Moms... Your Wisdom Is Needed

Normally I would post such a question on the other forum I frequent, but I thought I would try here first since there are so many women who post on there who are TTC... I need all of the wisdom I can get right now from stay-at-home moms of all age groups.  First let me say that I love my son to death and want the best of things for him, and I am also very much against putting him in daycare.  I know there must be a better solution than that for my situation.  

I am absolutely bored to death staying at home.  I feel myself becoming more depressed as time goes on.  This year has had a lot of ups and downs for my family and I.  Recently I have undergone a huge transition where my husband is now working full-time.  All of those years in school and being out of class and off work at 2 pm, and now that is switching to 5 pm.  With an 8 month old, I am exhausted by 9 - 10 pm, and our son goes to bed at 8:30 pm leaving minimal time for us at all.  What I have are 2 concerns that I need advice for...

1.  My first and foremost concern is what to do with myself all of this time DH is gone during the day.  There is only so much cleaning to take up your time, and I do not have any friends really with children.  Well, heck I'll just be honest - I really do not have any friends that I socialize with.  I know that is bad, but DH and I do not really belong anywhere that gives the opportunity if that makes sense.  I find it very hard to make new friends who are somewhat mature and married and have kids.  I have thought about volunteering, but I will have my son with me.  I was involved in a bible study but now find myself the oddball in that group because I have started on birth control at a doctor's recommendation, and now that I have moved I live now 45 minutes away from where it is held.  There are mom groups which I would like to get involved in, but they only meet 1 time a week and for only 1 hour.  To sum all of this up, I would like to know how other moms spend their days.  I feel as if my life is passing me by because I do nothing of importance besides watch my son.  I know that is an important job, I just feel like I have gifts that are being wasted.  Is this normal?  Perhaps I am not mom material  :S

2.  DH and I have a limited pool of babysitters, so planning date nights is an issue.  I do not want to leave DS with a stranger, and my parents live 45 minutes away from us.  His mom lives close but works in the evenings.  I am wondering how other couples have time to connect?  We used to spend so much time together and I miss that so much.  We both love our son, but sometimes I daydream about times when were able to devote our evenings to relaxing and enjoying each other's company.  

Over all, this is a long post.  I am posting this in a state of conflicting emotions: both shame because good moms don't feel this way, and sadness because I feel like my life is being wasted away.  I know when he is in school things will change, but a few years seems like such a long time.  I don't want to just "get by" until then, I want to be living these years of my life and I don't feel like I am.  

- A Sad Bearhitch
27 Responses
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484465 tn?1532214032
bearhitch, i have to sacrifice my mornings by getting up very early w/ my baby (like 6 or 7am) and keep her busy all day.  

i monitor the timing of her naps and i nap when she naps too or else i will be completely burned out by the evening.  

if there's any shopping, errands, exercising, or visiting that i must do, i do it in the day and span it out over the entire week so it doesnt interfere w/ naptime.  

i make both lunch and dinner in the afternoon so that all i do is heat up the meal for dinner time.  

i shower in the afternoon too.  

it's like doing everything in day to make the evenings more free and nimble.  this allows me free time to sit around and lounge w/ my husband alone b/c my son will be busy watching t.v. or playing his video game by then and baby is dead tired by 7:30, 8:00 every night like clockwork.  the rest of the night is ours.  
p.s. i cant wait to go back to work when she's 1!  kinda of tired of this myself
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
You really need to join some playgroups,  Bear.  Even if they only meet once a week for an hour,  other social stuff comes out of that.  Soon your son will be walking and you'll want to take him to petting zoos,  gymboree,  and stuff like that,  and if you have a connected group of other moms to call and set up stuff nearly every day you'll feel MUCH better.

I am kind of lonely right now - my boys are teens.  There has never been a time in my life,  nor will there be again, where there were such intimate/bonded relationships with my friends.  It was terrific.  

Please don't spend your days in your house.    Take a couple days to find groups,  set up  activities,  and you will have the best friends you'll ever have in other young mothers.
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Avatar universal
Personally I don't understand why anyone would work if they didn't have too.  If I could get my BF to support me completely, I would quit in a heartbeat.  I've been working my whole adult life and I'm plain tired.   I hate office politics, don't care about the baby showers or birthday lunches.   Some of the "working moms"' at our office are the laziest workers I've ever seen.  They use their kids as excuses for why they can't work late, or need a day off.  There's doctor appt, or teacher conferences.  The best are those  school fund raisers where they sell cheap cr@p for 10X's the value.  Then they complain when they don't get promoted or get raises like the rest of the folks.  

The "childless" folks do work harder in my opinion b/c they CAN, they got time and energy and deserve more money and bigger bonuses b/c they work harder.    Luckily the position I have now is pretty independent and I don't have to work with any moms or have limited interaction with them.  

I do understand the need for communication with adults but can't you find it at gym or library book club?  Or maybe just work part-time when the kids are at daycare.  

I also wonder if the mom's are looking around at the people going to work and thinking that it looks like fun.  Let me tell you, it's not.  The grass is not greener on the other side.  Working for most people is drudgery and if we didn't have to do, we wouldn't.  

I am tired of keeping this in so thanks for letting me express my feelings.  It felt good.


Helpful - 0
167 tn?1374173817
BearHitch, I stayed at home with my girls when they were little and became quite depressed. It was like the world was revolving around me and I wasn't a part of it. I did everything I wanted as a SAHM. I cooked, I cleaned, I took my girls to the park, read them stories and did fun activities with them. But I felt like I lost most of who I was as a person and I didn't like it. Once I started working, those feelings went away. I will tell you though, once your baby gets to be more talkative and walking and being able to carry on a conversation it does get a little better. For me it did. I just know myself though, and I know I could never be a full time stay at home mommy. I need my social time and my me time. That is my time at work! I'm glad to come home and appreciate my kids so much more when I'm not with them 24/7. Have you considered a part time job and daycare for just a few hours with a trusted friend or family member? Or maybe just part time child care, and you would be able to socialize with the daycare moms. Women need socialization and girlfriends. They need a social outlet. For me, staying at home just wasn't enough. I felt guilty, but I was much more appreciative of my time with them once I joined the workforce again. Good luck...I know how it feels.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow - I had no idea other moms felt this way at times too!  I would never mention it to someone because I would be afraid they would think I was a bad mom, but maybe that is the problem... its not talked about!  :)  Thanks for the encouragement, gals, very appreciated!  I found a moms group here locally and am trying to get in contact with the leader to find out when they meet.
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
I was only a stay at home mom for the first 2 months of my son's life and let me say, I was bored to tears.  Occasionally, I would meet up with my fiance's sister who had her daughter 3 weeks before I had my son.  But all in all, I was just so depressed because my fiance worked all the time.  What I could recommend is possibly joining a baby gymboree or something along those lines.  You could meet other mothers and make play dates.  Maybe they can recommend sitters to you as well so you can get some alone time with your hubby.  The Y is also a great idea.  
Helpful - 0
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