Stay-At-Home Moms... Your Wisdom Is Needed

[BearHitch]

Normally I would post such a question on the other forum I frequent, but I thought I would try here first since there are so many women who post on there who are TTC... I need all of the wisdom I can get right now from stay-at-home moms of all age groups.  First let me say that I love my son to death and want the best of things for him, and I am also very much against putting him in daycare.  I know there must be a better solution than that for my situation.  

I am absolutely bored to death staying at home.  I feel myself becoming more depressed as time goes on.  This year has had a lot of ups and downs for my family and I.  Recently I have undergone a huge transition where my husband is now working full-time.  All of those years in school and being out of class and off work at 2 pm, and now that is switching to 5 pm.  With an 8 month old, I am exhausted by 9 - 10 pm, and our son goes to bed at 8:30 pm leaving minimal time for us at all.  What I have are 2 concerns that I need advice for...

1.  My first and foremost concern is what to do with myself all of this time DH is gone during the day.  There is only so much cleaning to take up your time, and I do not have any friends really with children.  Well, heck I'll just be honest - I really do not have any friends that I socialize with.  I know that is bad, but DH and I do not really belong anywhere that gives the opportunity if that makes sense.  I find it very hard to make new friends who are somewhat mature and married and have kids.  I have thought about volunteering, but I will have my son with me.  I was involved in a bible study but now find myself the oddball in that group because I have started on birth control at a doctor's recommendation, and now that I have moved I live now 45 minutes away from where it is held.  There are mom groups which I would like to get involved in, but they only meet 1 time a week and for only 1 hour.  To sum all of this up, I would like to know how other moms spend their days.  I feel as if my life is passing me by because I do nothing of importance besides watch my son.  I know that is an important job, I just feel like I have gifts that are being wasted.  Is this normal?  Perhaps I am not mom material  :S

2.  DH and I have a limited pool of babysitters, so planning date nights is an issue.  I do not want to leave DS with a stranger, and my parents live 45 minutes away from us.  His mom lives close but works in the evenings.  I am wondering how other couples have time to connect?  We used to spend so much time together and I miss that so much.  We both love our son, but sometimes I daydream about times when were able to devote our evenings to relaxing and enjoying each other's company.  

Over all, this is a long post.  I am posting this in a state of conflicting emotions: both shame because good moms don't feel this way, and sadness because I feel like my life is being wasted away.  I know when he is in school things will change, but a few years seems like such a long time.  I don't want to just "get by" until then, I want to be living these years of my life and I don't feel like I am.  

- A Sad Bearhitch

[kathy1029]

I had to laugh when I read your post about being jealous because your husband gets to go to work.  I feel the same way at times.  At least he gets to have comnversations with adults!!

[kathy1029]

Hi I'm a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids and it's not easy.  Just this morning I was wishing I had an hour to myself. I dropped out of nursing school to spend more time with my kids but there are times I regret doing that. I quit my job after my third child was born because I only worked part time--so by the time I paid for daycare & gas I'd be losing money.  I think all moms go through the feelings you are having. When the baby takes his nap & the other two are playing together (rare) I have started selling items on e-bay.  It helps clean out the clutter & I make a little bit of money.
As far as spending time with your husband --I can really relate to this.  He's out the door at 5 am and back home at 5pm.  By the time dinner, playing & baths are done we are both ready to go to sleep.  On the weekends we really make a point after the kids go to bed to sit on our deck, maybe have a couple drinks and just talk about the week, the kids , everything.  Hang in there you'll be fine---you sound like a great mom.

[BearHitch]

This is true.  I am glad that I had a child because I have been able to experience pregnancy and childbirth and raising a child.  So, I am glad that I have had the opportunity to experience this, but having had the troubles that we have had and that, it only makes me more confident in our decision to only have one!!!  :)  I think I would agree that having a child matures you in a way, well some parents anyway.  I feel being a parent has made me make sacrifices and that has made me more willing to go with the flow and not demand my way or the highway, if that makes sense.  

[mayflowers]

I don't think any parent is ever prepared for how much a child depends on them in the beginning.  Teachers never tell you about it in health class do they?  Even if they did, no one would listen b/c for most people having children seems to be instinctual.   It's normal to be selfish and want to do what you want, when you want.   I would be worried about the parent who wasn't a little selfish and never wanted their own space.  But, your day will come when your son is in college and never calls you and you'll be wishing he was your little baby boy again.  One of my sisters is going through this now.  She wants to talk to her son but he's out having fun!!!!!!   Enjoy this time while you can b/c it won't last forever.  Nothing last forever.

It may sound strange but I am never jealous of people who are pregnant or have children however there are times when I wonder if I missed something b/c parents seem a little more evolved emotionally than me.  It's like having a child somehow makes a person a little more human and understanding of the human condition.  Single people seem stunted in their growth, like we all have the emotionally maturity of a 12th grader.   I think that maybe I should adopt a child just so I can grow up a bit but what if I can't and mess up some poor kids life for nothing????!!!!  

So, at least you've got this going for ya.  You're going to be wiser whether you like it or not.

[BearHitch]

Well I wouldn't say I feel that way exactly, no.  I feel sometimes like I am incredibly selfish though sometimes because I just want to do my own thing and just hang out with my husband.  I watch HGTV alot and am envious when I see the empty-nesters being able to vacation and that.  I don't think either of us were totally prepared with how much attention a child would require.  We both say we are anxious for when he gets older and is a little more independent... its just getting to that point and I don't want to spend my days wishing for tomorrow when I might very well die in a year.  You know?  Thanks for your support, mayflowers  :)

[mayflowers]

I don't think you're a bad mom or not mother material because you feel this way. It's normal to feel kind of isolated in the beginning of your childs life.  The kid depends 100% on you and your DH.  What my girlfriends who do have children do is read a lot (one is always recommending me good books to read), some take courses on-line, garden and go to the gym.  With the older children, they have play dates and then meet with other mothers in similar situations.  It won't be like this forever, you will get out of the house soon.

I am not mother material b/c I NEVER  want to care for anyone but myself and I couldn't be there emotionally for another human being such as a child.  I knew this a long time ago so basically avoided pregnancy successfully with all my might.   I have a hard enough time caring about my current boyfriend, but he knows I'm stunted emotionally and somehow deals with it.  I've learned to let go with adults but children deserve more and somehow I always knew I could never provide what they needed.  So, unless you feel like me, which I really don't think you do, then you ARE in fact mother material.