Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

Step daughter and father relationship

My second husband of 10 years will take his adult 29 year old daughter out for dinner, however, when he does they do the same things we do together.  Last night, for example he took her to our favorite fine dining restaurant, sat at the bar and shared food and bottle of wine, exactly the way we like to spend time together, when he told me of his evening it sounded like my favorite thing to do with him.  When I am not in town he will take her out and spend evenings out exactly like we do.  My husband and I always think of this as our special place together as a sortof date night out.  When I am not in town he will call his daughter and take her out in my place doing exactly the same things that we enjoy doing together.  This Christmas he bought her very expensive earrings from my favorite jewelery store where his also got me a christmas present and has for many years. He thinks i am jealous, I think there is something very strange about the situation and he is taking the special times we have together and making them special with his adult daughter.  I don't know how to handle this, i am confused, what should I do?
Best Answer
Avatar universal
Well......dictating how you want this to go isn't going to work.  How are you going to tell a GROWN man how and where he should spend time with his daughter?

This is NO "woman friend"........this is HIS daughter.  

I am sensing this as a bit controlling or is it that you enjoy drama?  

It is apparent he isn't seeing this as you are.  You have two choices: live with this (husband) or don't live with this (no husband).  

Do you have any other issues with your marriage?

"He thinks i am jealous...."   I am not sure this is 100% jealousy, but you sure need to get over this.  If you don't, you are jeopardizing your marriage.
42 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
Hi Aspengold.  I've read this string of comments and I'm shocked at the response.  Seems the people who have responded haven't felt the STING!   I'm here to stay, "You are NOT alone."  My boyfriend, widower, has an adult daughter and it's amazing at how close they are.  I NEVER felt jealous about it, but now it has gotten to the point where I REALLY am seeing and feeling what you are feeling, Aspengold.    If my BF and I do something new or find a new restaurant, movie house, museum....a special time between us, I find out later, usually within the week, he takes his daughter - I'm never invited.    BTW...the daughter (32) only met me once, briefly, and wants daddy to herself!   She has repeatedly made excuses why she doesn't want me around.  Ok, it's been years since her mom's passing.  My BF also enables her excuses!  Just recently, we were invited to a family wedding and his daughter's behavior was atrocious.   Ignored, nasty looks, just plain RUDE!  She treated daddy badly that day too because I was there. I was VERY upset over this and was SO tired of being disrespected and been the third wheel in the relationship.  I've spoken to him about it, told him of my feelings, read blogs on what to do....it became an issue with me and my BF and I threatened to end the relationship.   He has said he would take care of it.  NOT.  He stated to me he will demand she respects both of us.   As most the blogs read...Daddy Jellyfish.   SO, just last night, his enabling and sneaking contact - chatting - texting - I saw a text that his daughter texted him...."What type of pizza should I order?"    So much for the firm hand.    This has been going on for quite some time...I'm the bad guy.   I took a stand for myself respect.   As what I was advised to do, I said, "You have both disrespected me long enough - we all sit down as adults and discuss this or I'm GONE!"  He woke this morning and said he spoke with his daughter and she's NOT up to it right now.  I told him, "OK,  she has come between us...she wins...I'm leaving."  I'm packing and he's driving over to his daughters house upset.   I feel..NO MORE!!!   I'll never be her mom, but I'm not going to be the chick in the back seat while daddy and daughter are in the front.  Seems from all the blogs and advise, this stuff goes on for years with some people.  The best advise I saw - "Get off the Merry-Go-Round and go live your life WITHOUT the drama.  
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
They do exactly what we do together, almost as if she is a replacement for me when I am not available.
Helpful - 1
1 Comments
"When I am not available" makes me wonder if he is needy and has to do things with somebody with him, as far as going to a movie or eating out , or for some hokey other reason.  Can it be he misses his first wife and wants to go out with the daughter because is "part of the family I used to have?" When I got married, my dad said to
me, 'Honey, you will never be first with him."  How true.  This is  just me, but I don't think you should be the "replacement"  but have activities to do with your husband that are special fun for you two.  Daughter does not have to duplicate them with dad, she is old enough to understand that concept of husband and wife should come first with other and have some specials for themselves outside the home.  She is pushing 30, for heaven sake!
Avatar universal
Wow! I can't believe how many people here just don't seem to get it and have been so judgemental and condescending!

Aspengold, if you still check out this "community" (I wouldn't if people treated me the way they treated you), you are absolutely right to be upset by this. The people here trying to tell you that it's your problem, don't seem to get that *everything* you and your husband do together, he then does *the exact same thing* with his daughter, and then makes sure you know about it. It sounds like he is trying to mess with your mind to make you doubt yourself and your sanity, so he can feel like he can control you. This is a very common tactic abusers use, and it is generally referred to as "gaslighting" or "crazy-making." I haven't heard of this particular tactic before, but it seems like it is designed to do the same thing, and seems like it has been effective (usually it's things like saying something or doing something, and then the next day or the next week claiming that they never said it, or never did it, and then try to convince you that you just imagined that they said or did it, and if you still don't fall for it, they'll get angry and accuse you of not trusting them - even though they are actually not trustworthy).

The fact that you have defended your point of view so adamantly against so many others, so many times, tells me that you are not confused at all - you know that you are being disrespected and manipulated, but because of the gaslighting, you are desperately seeking validation of what you fear, and know deep down, is true. Well, here is your validation: You Are Right! You are not crazy. You are not making a mountain out of a mole hill. You are not the controlling one. He wants you to think that you are "just jealous", but if you say that you are not, then you are not. You are not the one creating the problem, and you do not have to get therapy to learn how to accept it. You are not being unfair, you are being abused! I can't believe how many people, here, cannot see this!


specialmom - you did not "ask if he was supporting her", and aspengold did not "say no". You assumed that he was not supporting his daughter, and  Aspengold did not answer the question you did not ask. You are right that "this situation seems contrived", because it is - but it is not aspengold that's doing it! It's her husband. If he had been taking his daughter and this was their "thing" since before he met and married aspengold, then that would be a different story (although, I would still hope that he would find a different "thing" to have with his wife, so that it would be special), but that's not the case, and it sounds like this was a relatively new pattern when aspengold first wrote about it, here. He was estranged from his daughter - probably for good reason, if he abused her, too. If he took his daughter to the same restaurant sometimes, and different restaurants other times, that also would be ok. If he only ever went to that one restaurant with anyone, and never went to a different restaurant ever, that too would be a bit weird, but more understandable - but that's not what was happening here. From what aspengold described, this one restaurant was their favourite restaurant, but they did sometimes go to different restaurants - and then right after that, he'd take his daughter to the same restaurant Every Single Time! That is not normal! That is contrived! In other words, if he took his wife to a different restaurant each week, for example, if the following order: restaurant A, then D, then C, then B; then he would take his daughter to the same restaurants, in the same order, right after he took his wife there: so , A, then D, then C, then B; whereas if it were just that they all liked the same restaurants, he might take his daughter to restaurant B, then A, then C, then D; or he might even go take his wife to one of the restaurants twice, in those same 4 weeks, but take his daughter to a different restaurant each week. Or maybe he might sometimes try a new restaurant with his daughter, like it a lot, and then take his wife there because it was so nice he wanted to share it with him. That is not what happens, though. What happens is that every time he takes his wife to a restaurant, he always takes his daughter there within a week. That is not normal. That is manipulative. He wants her and everybody else to think that she is the one with the problem, and it worked - you all do/did think that she was the one with the problem, and attacked her for it until she probably felt like a hunted animal (which is what her last few posts sounded like). You guys played right into his manipulative abuse of her, and helped him abuse her (by trying to get her to think that she was the one at fault). I also find it strange that, when a few people started supporting Aspengold's views, you then suggested that they go and start their own thread (and presumably stop adding to this thread), yet on other threads you have welcomed and affirmed comments with significantly different opinions, to "help others who might read the thread in the future".

MamaB185 - thank you for having the courage to stick up for aspengold and stand beside her in affirming truth. Perhaps the man you were dating was actually the same man (hopefully, she was not still married to him by the time you started dating him, if it is the same guy - they sound incredibly similar). The age of the daughter would be about right, since you posted a couple of years after this thread started. Congratulations for seeing the unhealthy relationship, and getting out before getting married. I hop you're doing well, and I hope aspengold is, too.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I think it's important to remember that his daughter is nearly 30. You can't reasonably expect their outings to resemble the "child and daddy" routine of parks and pizza. I don't think a grown man going to dinner with his daughter is weird. I go out to dinner with my dad. Sometimes my mum or brothers come, sometimes it's just us.

You seem upset that he takes her to "your" restaurant, and buys her gifts from "your" store. You may need to accept that, to him, these are nice places but not exclusively "yours". Perhaps he thinks you have good taste, so buys his daughter's presents from the same shop. You'll have to accept that these aren't reserved just for you in his mind. If it's very important to you that there's someplace just for the two of you, which is off-limits to his daughter, business clients or friends, you'll have to sit down and discuss that with him. Understand he may not tolerate that, and it might seem silly or petty to him.

Ultimately, to most people his behaviour is normal and reasonable. He goes out with her but doesn't snub you when you're available. They aren't sexually intimate or inappropriate. You may want to confer with a therapist to find out why these things still bother you. Likely, the root is low self-esteem. In the end, you'll have to either work to change how you feel, or leave the relationship. If you can't tolerate sharing his affections with his children, you'll need to find a childless man. Keep in mind many men have active social lives and will want time with their buddies and co-workers. It's hard to find someone for whom you're the only important person in life.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I get it! I deal with the same thing only that my husband treats me like the child and her like the adult. Their relationship has trust, honesty, support, acceptance and my husband and I have none of that. Anything she wants she gets anything I want (even though I work) I have to wait and guess what? I am still waiting. I do feel like ther other women and no one simply no one can understand unless they go through this!!!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I would much rather it be his daughter , someone he made , than for it to be another woman .
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I think you are creating a problem where none exists.  So what if the evening they spend together is IDENTICAL to the one you spend with him!  Lots of people enjoy the same types of restaurants, menu items, and wine!  Are they inappropriately touching one another?  If not, then where is the problem?  I have been a stepmother for 30 years. Is your stepdaughter courteous to you? Is she respectful of the relationship between yourself and your husband?  If so, the problem is not her.  Does your husband treat you lovingly and with respect?  If so, the problem is not in your marriage, or him.  Perhaps your insecurity is within yourself.  You may benefit from deep introspection and/or counseling.  The situation you describe is not problematic.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I dated a man for a short time but he could not make me part of his stepdaughter life, 5 years after his wife died. This was a brief relationship with him but I did care for him. When he told his daughter that after 5 yrs he was wanting to date she told him "Ï am your date". When he had to go out of town for work, she had to go with him. I asked him if I could go, he started back paddling. I saw that I had no place as long as the 19 years old stepdaughter was living with him.
Words was said and he is not speaking to me and may never will again. Words hurt and I feel as if there was no room for me in his life. I told him what I thought and it was pretty salty. He has been told about the strange relationship from others but he is committed to taking care of her.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Please ask your own questions on your own threads.  This particular question has an hourglass by it which is med helps way of suggesting it is an older thread.  Often people miss those and find themselves writing to someone that is no longer here.  

So, please ask your own questions.  thank you.  You can do that by going to the top of this page and hitting 'ask a question"
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I understand you.

It is no longer special. It has stopped being the "our thing" and has started being the "his thing."
It's nice having that one thing --that special thing.

I think your feeling a little bit of a loss and a hint of jealously,  which is understandable.  

He doesnt think of *special the way you think of special. You should find your own thing and find your own special :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
What you are needing from your husband is for him to make you feel unique and special. That's not unreasonable or jealous.  It's normal.  He needs to separate his romantic relationship with you from his platonic daughter one.  To achieve this, wording is everything.  Don't accuse him of a strange relationship with his daughter.  Instead express your desire for a more intimate, unique one with you.  Ignore these other meanies.  Every woman wants to feel special.  Good luck!
Helpful - 0
1415482 tn?1459702714
I think I see your point and the truth of the matter is that you are insecure in your marriage and insecure in yourself to a great extent. Think about how you view yourself, think about how you believe your husband views you (physically, emotionally, sexually) is it good? I don't really believe so. I wonder if it is because of the negative view you have of yourself, you believe that your husband would much rather be with anyone who is not you? Be honest. His daughter is 29 years, she is a grown woman which means she enjoys "grown folks" activities such as nice restaurants, alcohol etc. There is no way that your husband could take his 29 year old to chucky cheese. And he certainly could not have bought her a Justin Beiber CD for Christmas. My uncle buys jewellery for his daughter at the same store he buys for my aunt. Its called killing two birds with one stone.

You are reading terribly and unneccesarily wrong into the situation and kind of just taking the frustrations you feel within on the father/daughter relationship you see presented. You are threading on dangerous grounds. You are jealous of the relationship your husband has with his daughter. I suggest you speak to someone professionally who can assist you in this.

All the best

xoxoxo Anna  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm not getting this either.

I picture Him telling You what He eats, drinks, etc., because You ask (grill?) Him what He eats, drinks, etc.  You are making this an issue as He sees Nothing Wrong in taking His Daughter out - and neither do I.  

It sounds silly, whiney, immature (even teenage?) to think He shouldn't take His Daughter to the Same Place He takes You.   I'm quite sure You wouldn't mind Him doing this if She were His and Your Daughter Together.  You most likely would be Happy that He's a Good Father if She were Your Daughter also.

It comes across as sounding as if You think He is putting His affection for His Daughter ahead of You.  He may feed You both at the same restaurant but the Intimacy and the Sweet Nothings are for You!  That makes it a whole different scene than what He has with His Daughter.  

I, like all the Others,  feel You should find Your way to realize this is Your shortcoming.   Otherwise, Your Husband and His Daughter are going to feel You are jealous of Their Relationship and they will be resentful of that.
Because There Is Nothing Wrong Here.

I too, Wish You Good Luck
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm.  Well, I think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill but if he knows it bothers you and he tells you with glee . . .   again, sounds like a marital issue.  

I personally pick my battles and again, this situation seems contrived in some way.  Either you are getting upset over nothing or YOUR HUSBAND likes to irk you.  

In no way do I think it is odd that a man takes his daughter to the same resturant as his wife.  OR that he orders the same thing (that he likes) and gets the same wine (that he likes) or sits at the same table (as he goes there often enough, he knows where he wants to sit), etc. I just don't see that as anything but really nice that he is close to his daughter.

good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
he tells me
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I've kind of been puzzling over this for a little while - how do you come to find out what he ate,  drank and where they sat?  My husband goes out to happy hours with friends and I have no idea - except who went and where they went - what he ate or drank or where he sat.  

How does this information keep getting to you that he repeated the exact same patterns,  same walk,  same table?  Sorry to sound so clueless but this sounds complicated.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Agree 100% with SM.  

Yes, I guess no one is really understanding your obssession about him taking his daughter to this restaurant that's supposed to be for you and him and he is eating and drinking the same thing in this restaurant with his daughter like you and him.  I can't see this as a problem.  

Sorry, but I can't see this any other way.  It is almost as if you are acting like a child who is upset and is not getting his/her way.  

I think the next step for you should be to get a professional's opinion on this.  I think the problem is deeper than a restaurant.  

All the best.  
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am just trying to imagine someone that is secure with their husband and their relationship ever having a problem like this.  I really think you are going to have to look inward to figure out what is going on inside of you that you are threatened by their relationship or why you resent it.  good luck
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I asked you earlier if he supported her and you said no,.  In your initial complaint, you did not mention this.  She may not be able to enjoy the fine things and maybe her dad would like her to enjoy them once in a while.

I think you are indeed jealous of her.  the more you write, the more convinced I am.  

I think your marriage is in trouble if you keep down this road of thinking.

good luck.  

And I'd make it clear, by the way, that my partner would be insulting me to suggest it was inappropriate to spend time or money on my kids and try to tell me some places are off limits as if I were doing something wrong by going there with them.

This is about you and not them.  good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ok, you are correct, I used the example of one restaurant, because it was so glaring, if my husband and I go out we share things,  and a glass or two of wine so then he will take his daughter to the restaurant (not always the same restaurant) we were  just at and do the SAME exact thing, sitting and sharing at the bar just like we do.   This was usually our time to go out and catch up and it always brought us closer as we discussed life stuff, now he does it almost weekly with his daughter, who is a grown woman.  Still takes care of all her financial stuff and when he gave her a very expensive piece of jewelry at Christmas, which her boyfriend could not afford,we were all uncomfortable.  Maybe he could go out with her and take her to a movie or for beer and pizza or whatever, I would not care, what is bothering me is that he will take her to the same place we were just at and order and do the same thing.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
aspen,  I think maybe you haven't been clear here on the whole situation.  No one does see it your way here in this thread,  but I think maybe you haven't described what the problem actually is.

When you say he takes care of her financially,  do you mean money gifts here and there and maybe paying her transportation to family events,  or do you mean she doesn't support herself at 29 - he's the one still primarily supporting her?

I just don't think anyone can understand your possessiveness of a restaurant.  But if you're talking in general that he's inappropriately supporting her when she's approaching middle age,  that's a different thing.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
not the best answer, oops clicked the wrong button, actually no one understands, I don't care that he goes out with his daughter what I care about is that they do exactly the same thing we do together and that husband/wife father/daughter relationships should remain special with seperate events. He takes care of his daughter financially, emotionally and she is 29 years old, and by taking her to fancy reataurants consistently is not appropriate.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am not intiminated by his relationship with his daughter, it is not just a restaurant per se, what the relationship has become when they go out is identical to ours, not something special with his daughter, but right down to the entire evening, the walk to the place, where they sit, the type of sharing of the food, Exactly the same because he tells me and even this morning says, well yea it was just like what we do.  He took the one thing that we had that meant something and made it into something to share, with his daughter who is a mature woman, if I said he was doing this with a woman friend, would you view it differntly? and it is just not one time, it has become a weekly event and they both get drunk together, whiich I don't like.  Her boyfriend is refusing to go out with them because he is finidng it uncombortable.
Helpful - 0
2
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.