Avatar universal

Sudden Breakup

Together 5 months and fell in love very quickly - got very serious.  She is younger (23), has some serious family issues, and a wilder lifestyle than me. She's tells me how much she loves me, that I'm perfect for her, how happy she finally is, and I treat her better than any other man she's been with.  Everything was peachy until a few days later...

Literally less than a week later she has a blowout with her mom and decides that she needs to be by herself right now and breaks up with me.  In later conversations she stresses that she wishes she were raised differently so she could me with some "as amazing" as me at this point in her life.  She "knows that if we stay together, she will hurt me".  I'm not sure what that means? Says she needs time to sort things out on her own and she doesnt want my help.  Also says that she loves me very much but at this poinst doesnt see us having a future.

This was a total shock to me and now I'm reeling.  We went back and forth a couple of weeks and I mistakenly tried to reason with her.  That didnt work.  Now i'm trying to back off and respect her decision though it's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

Any guidance would be helpful here.  Age thing?  Family issues I don't understand? Lying to me and doesnt want to hurt my feelings?  Should I try and move on?

Thank you in advance for the replies.
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Avatar universal
Lying to you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings.  Maybe holding onto you to use you for some type of gain, even if it is her own emotional satisfaction.  Sounds like there is another guy but I'm only telling you from what I have experienced and I could be 100% wrong.  Or drugs and you are a goody boy...  Just my opinion.
Helpful - 0
684030 tn?1415612323
Family problems; the need to be alone and sort things out; knowing that she'll hurt you (which, she has probably already done by suddenly dumping you)... and, all of this surfaces within a week?
These all sound like excuses not explanations. Maybe, age (as in immaturity) is a factor. But, at this point, it probably doesn't matter what the real reason is. She says that she doesn't see having a future with you. Take her word for it... and move on.
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Avatar universal
After carefully reading your post,....run for the hills.  It's obvious that she is not ready for an exclusive, committed relationship with you or anyone and she and her family are dysfunctional. It sounds as if her family issues and the chances that she is the cause is great. He family is not accepting her wild ways and it's causing problems at home.

You don't state your age. Why? how old are you? The red warning flags are all over the place here and  here are just a few that I am able to catch immediate:

* Family problems & wilder personality and behavior - Maybe it is her wild ways
  that are causing problems at home and issue with  her family. She might
  be the problem. They are trying to keep her controlled to avoid destructive behavior
  on her part.(red flag).
* I see that she is self destructive, inmature and not ready for a serious committed
* She warned you that she will hurt you!!! (RED FLAG). She means that she can be
   self destructive, too much drama, high risk for infidelity, needs a counselor to be
* Doesn't see you in her future (SUPER RED FLAG HERE!!!)
* Tried to unsuccessfully reason with her (Red flag)

I think you know the answer, but it hurt for you to realize that you made a huge mistake
unintentionally being involved with this girl, but that is not your fault, but her's because she and family are dysfunctional and you don't want to go there!

Accept what you can't change and she has made it clear that she does not want to be in a relationship, because she will hurt you. So, with that said, stop all contact and communications with her. As much as you like her, this is not going to work out and as soon as you can absorb and accept it, it will be much easier for you to move forward and not look back.

It's still early enough for you to step back and out and don't look back.

Good luck...Judy
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Avatar universal
I went through almost EXACTLY this a month and a half ago ...with a 23 year old!!!  some of the same statements..I was with her 4 1/2 months ..i feel for you..I walked this path not too far in front of you....It still ***** a bit but is getting much easier..take your time and let the dust settle..things will start to make more sense as time passes a bit..private message me any time if you wanna talk more about it

i just re read it ..scary similarity...  here if you need anything... take care
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Avatar universal

Thank you for the advice and response.  It makes a lot of sense.  I knew these things going into it but I did see a ton of potential.  She is a wonderful person most of the time.  Unfortunately the demons take control sometimes.  She has a chance to break out of it but she needs stability and support.  I thought I could provide that forher and did for a while but now she doesnt want my help.  Very frustrating.  I'm 30, by the way, and feel that i'm in a in a place in my life where I can handle stuff like this within a relationship.  But you're right, maybe that's a very bad idea and right now I'm just love sick....

It's nearly impossible not to contac her.  I want to be involved in her life somehow.  I'm trying....

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Avatar universal
It si evident from your post that she is useing you to come back to when she wants to, and you are her safe harbor, she does not love you, so move on and find someon that cares for your love and will treat you right luck  jo
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Avatar universal
You are a mature man with life experiences by now. At this point in time, she neither has the ability or maturity to offer you a potentially stable relationship. It' noble of you to want to be their and want to support her, BUT at what risk! You puting your emotions on the line for someone who is not stable and dysfunctional. Proceed with Caution (I've been using these words quite a bit lately).  Remeber that you you can't change her, the only one can change is yourself.  Relationship are not base don good looks only, it's character, intelligence, stability, commonality, but you know all that.  

You state that it's nearly impossible not to contact her, let me tell you what I did to someone who I thought was the one and one day out of the blue "text" me and said, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to be in a committed relationship" and so on. I was so hurt. I responded by, "Refrain from any contact, you will be easy to forget", and immediately changed my cell phone number. I suffered greatly and the pain I will always remember, BUT it IS possible to refrain from contact, you just don't want to.

I do wish you good luck in this situation. You sound like a great guy and I'm sure there is there terrific woman right around the corner dying to meet you, but you have to accept that this pretty girl is unhealty for you and anyone at this point.  Good Luck...Judy
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Avatar universal
Thank you Judy.  I feel like I just got free therapy! :)  Read thru your posts again and if she would have articulated it the way you have, this would have been much easier...

You seem very wise and good natured.  Wish I could repay you somehow.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yeap...free "good" advice...repay me by not letting her or anyone hurt you. You deserve better..you can also send the check at xxxxx (just kidding!)..:) Judy
Helpful - 0
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