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This is a mother/ adult children question what should I do?


I am a 68 yo single mom of 2 children. 1 married daughter  -48 and -1 single son 37!
My daughter has been a close child for many years and a perfect daughter! Although I have been divorced 20 years- We have remained very close to each other. She and her (half)- brother had a good relationship until now.  His father is the man I divorced 20 years ago. My ex was a man who couldn't understand boundaries and would rule the roost.  Consequently- after many trials and tribulations we divorced. This was devastating to my son who was an excellent student in high school when it occurred. My daughter who is much older was teaching at the time. Through the past years, we included my ex in family events at the time open minded and my daughter's husbands family had double parents and step,parents. We were a blended "modern" family. Or so we thought. My son lives with me, due to some mental health issues ( severe OCD) and financial issues. and has recently joined my business! My son & I have a pretty good relationship but tends to rely on the life I provide for us. This all blew up recently, as it has been an underground issue for the past several years! My son gets more benefits from me than my Daughter! She has decided to turn on me because of it and recently wrote me a very hurtful and hateful letter just after Thanksgiving ! She lists years where she felt mistreated and that she was taken advantage of by her kind nature and generosity. We always thought that she was just so sweet. Doing almost all the Holidays etc. she has two teen girls which is why all the years we were at my daughters house for Christmas etc.  It isn't that I just free loaded for those years we all brought things and I drove many 3 hr trips to her house through these years. Many times alone just to see them etc. I also provide a nice annual gift to the grand girls. I have been the mom and "dad" to my adult kids for years. I never realized how that affected them/ and me until now! I don't know where to turn and there are so many loose ends and identified hurts from her that I am crushed.  Apparently she has been saving all this up for years. Much of what said seems so petty and blown out of proportion! Indicating that she is really overloaded. I don't know what to do. We have been so close like BEST friends. She is very controlling and people notice but it all stems from her "upbringing" she said. She is highly successful and bright and has returned to full time work the past two years. She is definitely a top over producer! She also has had many years of a difficult marriage which seems to be coming to a head for her. I also have been able to work to take care of myself but I have kept out of her business! She always buries her feelings to me until now. I have had enough trouble keeping my business going. We all live busy lives. The bottom line is she is jealous of her brother and feels cheated from me to her regarding time and money. I have to admit I enjoy my son's company better as he is more laid back. (Most of the time.) I still don't know the next step as the Christmas holidays arrive....feeling very sad. Not sure what to do as my family crumbles ! (My daughter told me to seek counseling because of my relationship with my son!)
2 Responses
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay, I must be honest.  I think you've done a bit of a disservice to your son.  As a divorced woman, you live with him as a partner at this point.  He feels dependent on you. OCD is treatable and many, MANY people have OCD and function just fine in life.  He's living under your roof as a person somewhere between being a man/child or being your surrogate partner.  And your daughter has always been the responsible, hard working one who acts like an adult.  Ya, she's resentful of it.  I kind of get where she is coming from.  

I have a friend whose brother also lived like this.  My friend's mother died.  Her brother then was completely lost.  He'd never lived as a true adult.  This is what is going on with your son.  It's hard to see that when we feel comfortable with the situation.  

For his best interest, you need to help him separate from you.  This will be very hard for you as you are probably on some level as dependent on this as he is.

Your daughter is right.  You've parented your son to the point of keeping him in this place while she's had to be a functioning adult and she's tired of that discrepancy.  She's really giving you a wake up call.  She didn't handle it very well, but that's what this is.

Good luck
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1 Comments
It sounds as if this needed to happen a long time ago. Children of any age will always need their mommy. So be there for both of them when they need you, but not before time. I'm sure you know by now that OCD is tameable if not treatable with proper medication and/or  therapy. Also your sons finances are not your problem. Unless having him work at your business is benefiting you he should only be working there till he can find another job. You probably should keep your work relationship strictly business and home relationship strictly pleasure. Your son needs to know how to stand on his own two feet.

Now your daughter's feelings. It's a shame she feels the way she does. Somehow and for some reason  she couldn't  keep her feelings to herself. I believe it's her way of saying she needs or wants you. Just show her an act of kindness that is directed towards her. Let her know it's ok to have a meltdown from  time to time. It seems that your daughter has worked very hard to get to where she's at today. Believe me I know how important it is to be close to your siblings. They are your first friends and normally first enemy. One will always feel as if Mom love's me more than you, see what I have and you . Do you get the picture? When your daughter has  had enough time to cool down try talking to her. Keep in mind that she may just want you there to listen but be ready to answer her questions if you feel it will help to move on from this recent event. Try buying her a special gift that only she can use or the two of you would benefit from. Just be prepared.

Your a great mother of two adult children. Start acting like a mother and but a friend and watch them change
134578 tn?1693250592
Sorry that your daughter "told you" to seek counseling, since it's irritating to be told to do something instead of having it just be a suggestion, since really, counseling is the thing to do in this circumstance, especially with the Christmas holiday imminent.   You've got a lot to look at the relationship with your daughter and the relationship with your son, possibly even your ex.  Your son is pretty old to be taken care of like a teenager, gotta say.  And your daughter feels like all she got for not demanding your attention and making a mess of her life was less attention and less resources.  It also sounds like the difficulties in her life are making his apparently easy ride on your money really irritating.  Not that you're Bill Gates, but it can seem very unfair to the not-screwing-up child that the screwing-up child gets all the time and attention and that he's had more of your financial resources can seem like the last straw.  Find yourself a counselor and don't wait.  The calendar says, move on this or the holidays will be miserable. A counselor or therapist will help a lot.
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